Guarded Hearts (16 page)

W
OW! Never had I experienced anything like this before. This surge of happiness, of feeling complete, this is how it feels like to live in the light. I think I have fallen in love.

F
eeling this way seems surreal. I never knew I could feel this way about someone. The way my stomach knots when I see her, the way I want to say all the right things, and the way my heart skips a beat when she smiles. I feel like its right out of a damn romance novel.

Lying in bed, I think about how special she is to me, and how I want her to know it. She has given something to me that I will cherish forever, and I don’t want her to ever regret what she’s given me. Christmas is just around the corner, and usually I don’t go near the stores in this chaos, but she’s an exception. I will cross oceans and climb mountains just to give her the perfect gift. So many things run through my mind of what I should give her. I think about giving her a puppy, a ring, perfume, but all those things just seem wrong. I only have a couple weeks left, so I better fucking hurry. I turn to look at my clock and realize I gotta get ready to meet my parents for Sunday brunch. It’s not something I look forward to, but it’s something that keeps my mother happy.

Driving up to my parent’s house, I am reminded of what that the holiday brings: food, family, and lost friendships. I sit in my car, turning off the ignition, and sit in the silence. Closing my eyes, I hear my own heart beat and I smile. Damn. I’m actually smiling. Never thought I would just smile, just be happy. I take a deep breath and prepare myself to face my mother. Okay, here I go. Stepping out of the car, I feel the cold hit me, and I jog into the house.

I quickly want to get through brunch to get back home to see Livi. I promised her I would swing by when I got back. Thinking of her brings a smile to my face.

“It’s nice to see you smiling, sweetie,” my mother greets. “It’s seems like ages since I’ve seen that smile. Who do I owe the honor to?” she says as she sets my plate in front of me.

“Why can’t I just be happy?”

“Sweetie, you can’t fool me. I know when a girl is responsible for that,” she retorts, pointing at my smile that I just can’t seem to hide.

“Yes, mother, and it’s you,” I say sarcastically.

“Fine, Phoenix. I’ll take it for now, but you won’t be able to hide her forever.”

“Hide who?” my father asks, walking into the conversation as he sits down at the table.

“The girl Phoenix has fallen for,” my mother responds.

“Really, there’s a girl?” my father asks curiously.

“No! Now can we eat?” I say, getting annoyed with them.

“Phoenix, bring her to the benefit gala. It will be great for us to meet her,” my mother says. Every year Sky’s parents host a benefit party to raise money to help send adolescents with alcohol and substance abuse to rehabilitation facilities, and it helps bring awareness of the things that can happen when you’re under the influence. My mother has begged me to be a speaker, but how can I speak to so many when I can’t even speak to the ones I love about what happened that night?

“No! First of all, if I had a girl, I would not want her to meet you guys at the benefit. Second, I wouldn’t take her there to begin with when I don’t even attend,” I say, trying to control the anger that is building within me. I don’t need a damn benefit party to remind me about Sky; my scars are a daily reminder of him. My parents know I hate talking about him, they know how painful it is to be reminded of the accident.

“Phoenix, the benefit should not be something you’re ashamed of. It’s an experience in life you overcame. It has shaped you to be who you are today,” my father says as he begins to eat his food.

“You make it sound like it’s just something I’m supposed to overcome, like a typical life milestone. I lost my best friend. He was like my brother. It was my stupidity that took a life that night, and I have to live with that, not you.”

“I know, son, but talking about it can help. We don’t mean to upset you. I don’t know why you won’t just open up to your mother and I.”

“Dad, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I will never attend. You and mom need to stop trying to get me to go. Every fucking year we go through this discussion, so now can we please enjoy this brunch before I lose what I have left of my appetite?”

“Don’t use that language in front of your mother, Phoenix. Show us some respect.”

“Then respect me when I say I don’t want to go. Now end it there or I will leave,” I threaten, my jaw clenching painfully.

My dad is right; I am ashamed, and that is part of the reason why I don’t want to go. The benefit is a constant reminder that I’m still here, still alive. Sky’s dead and it’s my fault. The other reason is that I hate being around all those rich people who think they know it all, and every time they look at me they pity me.

We enjoy what we can of our brunch and talk about the holidays. Mother wants to make sure I’m coming home. As always, I promise I’ll be home for Christmas. At this moment, I’m not even sure I can keep that promise. I was going to ask Livi what her plans are for the holidays, since I would love to spend them with her.

I say goodbye to my father and kiss my mother before heading out the door. I can’t get out of there fast enough. I didn’t even stay for dessert. I send a quick text message to Livi, letting her know I’m leaving my parents’ house and that I’ll be swinging by her house soon.

I arrive at Livi’s house and ring the doorbell. Heather answers the door. “Hey, is Olivia here?”

“Livi, your man is here to see you!” Heather yells up towards Livi’s bedroom.

“I’m coming!”

I see her, and automatically a smile breaks out across my face. She crashes into my chest and her lips hit mine. I take a deep breath, taking in her sweet scent. It’s midafternoon and it’s not as warm as I would like it to be, so I need to know if she wants to stay here or go to my place.

“Hey, baby, it’s good to see you too,” I say, looking down into her eyes. “You hungry?” I ask, feeling a little guilty that I already ate without her.

“No, Mandy made me some pancakes this morning. I’m still full,” she says, putting her arms around my waist and burying her head in my chest.

“Okay. Well, do you want to stay here or go to my place?”

“Your place. I don’t think we could get any privacy here today. The sisters are having movie day, so they’re all staying in.” She looks at me, keeping her arms around my waist.

We are standing outside and I’m starting to feel the chill in the air. I kiss her forehead, her nose, and then her sweet soft lips before I take her tongue in my mouth and kiss her.

“Get a room,” Mandy says, shutting the door.

We break our kiss and run towards the car.

We arrive at my apartment, and I don’t know if it’s the cold weather that has me wanting her so bad or the fact that she turns me on, but I need her. I open my front door and throw the keys on the counter near the door. I don’t even give her a chance to walk in before I pull her in and shut the door behind her. Her back is against the wall, and I begin to kiss her, hard. I bite down on her lower lip, and it makes her moan. This only adds to my manic sex state that I’m in, and I don’t even want to move to the bedroom. I want to take her here. I quickly pull her jacket off, along with her sweater, and begin kissing her breasts. I know she knows where this is leading; I don’t need to explain. I feel her hands going under my shirt, which she soon divests me of.

My jeans are fucking tight. I’m so hard I need her now. I unbutton her jeans, putting my hand in and slipping one finger insider her. Damn, she’s so fucking wet. I rub my palm against her clit and kiss her neck. I can’t fucking take this, so I pull down her pants and I pull mine down too. I slip on a condom and she wraps her legs around my waist. I slip right into her. I thrust into her so hard a small yelp escapes her and she bites down on my shoulder. She’s so fucking tight that her sweetness wraps around my cock as I pull in and out of her. I know it won’t be long before I come, I can already feel it building. I thrust into her a few more times when I feel her pulsating release around me, which only makes her tighter. Damn, it sends me over the edge, and I feel my release as I pound two hard thrusts into her. I lean still into her while her legs hang limply against my sides.

“Can you stand, baby?” I ask, knowing her legs might be a little shaky.

“Yeah, I can manage,” she says in a low voice.

I set her down, but before I turn to leave I kiss her sweet tender lips. I remove the condom and tie a knot in it and head towards the bathroom to dispose of it. I splash water on my face and adjust my pants when I see Livi leaning against the door frame.

“Not that I’m complaining, but where did that come from? You didn’t even give me a heads up, you just went right in for the prize,” she says, motioning her hands towards her pussy.

“You turn me on,” I say to her with a wink. She walks over and wraps her arm around me from behind. The warmth of her feels so damn good. I could be like this forever.

N
ix left me a little weak in the knees. Not that I didn’t like it, but I can sense something is bothering him. He hasn’t really said much to me since he’s picked me up. Not even during our little encounter. I don’t want to pry, but I am his girlfriend. So I guess a little prying is acceptable.

Walking over fully dressed, I sit on his couch. “Nix?” I really want to be the one he is able to talk to. I mean they say you’re supposed to be best friends with your partner so I hope he trusts me enough to talk.

“Yeah, baby, what’s up? Want to watch a movie?” He sits next to me and leans in, kissing me on my lips.