Groupie/Rock Star Bundle (22 page)

It felt insane to think in several short months
I could be a mother. I wouldn’t even know where to start taking
care of an infant. Grandma would be thrilled of course. And Iris
would have a stroke – especially when she found out who the father
was.

If I could tell anyone who the father was.
Jasper may have been willing to pawn his child off on Vanni to save
his own reputation, but how would he try to rearrange the cosmos to
keep his heartthrob rock star accessible to his female
fans?

I would have asked Vanni what I could expect
but the man looked as nauseous as I felt.

It may have only been minutes, but it felt like
we both aged ten years by the time the doctor finally re-entered
the room.

“It’s negative,” he said and I could
almost feel Vanni’s body crumble in relief. “But you are severely
dehydrated and suffering exhaustion. We’re going to administer an
IV and I’d like to keep you here overnight.”

I just nodded, too stunned to say
anything.

Vanni held onto my hand tightly. He
was even able to smile again, like a man who had just dodged a
bullet. I too felt a similar relief initially, but later, when I
was alone in the hospital room, I started to wonder what the baby
would have looked like. Would it have been a son or a daughter?
Would it have dark hair like Daddy? Or hazel eyes like
Mommy?

Those words suddenly had new meaning to me. I
had only had the promise of his child for about a half hour, but
that was enough time to acclimate myself to the idea. I knew if I
ever had any child I would want it to be Vanni’s. That was what
happened when you fell in love, wasn’t it? The next natural step…
the thing normal people did.

Just as dishearteningly I realized that it was
probably never going to happen because our relationship was
anything but normal.

This was just a little too real for the fake
world where Vanni now resided. He was no doubt hatching an escape
route. This whole experience vaulted us from casual, fun, sexy
affair to complicated real life.

I already knew how he felt about
complications.

By the next morning Vanni came to
get me after I was released from the hospital, and escorted me back
to our hotel room. The moment we were alone he pulled me into his
arms and kissed the top of my head. “I’m sorry,” he
said.

“For what?” I asked.

“This was all my fault. I was selfish asking
you to ditch the condoms. If you would have gotten pregnant it
would have been my mistake, not yours.”

“I agreed to it,” I said. “And I didn’t ever
ask again. That makes it our responsibility.”

He nodded and pulled me over to the bed. “Yeah,
that’s what I have been thinking about.”

I gulped hard and waited.

“This tour is going to take me all over the
country in like five months. After that we’re recording our next
album. They’re even talking about going overseas. Things are just
going to get crazier from here. We can’t even go to a restaurant
anymore. This is not the life I would ever bring a family
into.”

“Families do it all the time,” I
said softly.

“That’s not the point. I know what it’s like to
grow up without a father. If I can’t be there for my kid then that
would kill me. But I can’t turn my back on my career either. I put
it off long enough already.”

“So what are you saying, Vanni?”

He caressed the side of my face with his hand.
“I love you, Andy,” he said. “But I think we need to slow down for
a while.”

A tear slipped from the corner of my eye before
I could stop it. I cursed it the moment it fell.

“I want more for you,” he tried to
explain.

“You don’t get to decide that,” I told him. “I
get a say so in the relationship – no matter what kind of
relationship it is.”

“You’re still young,” he persisted, and I
jumped up off the bed.

“I’m only four years younger than you,” I
cried. “But I’ve got more maturity in my little finger than you do
in your whole entire body. When I thought there might be a baby, do
you know what I was thinking of? How my savings could provide for
it and which room in the house to use as a nursery. When you
thought there was a baby you were looking for the door!”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” he yelled as
he jumped up. “I was there every second and I would have been there
no matter what the result had been.”

“Really?” I challenged. “You’re sure looking
for the door now, aren’t you? Well there it is, Vanni. Go live your
exciting life full of concerts and fans and a whole lot of
half-relationships and fake people. But if you turn your back on
what we have just because you’re a little scared you can’t measure
up, that is your choice and your mistake.”

There were tears in his eyes as he faced me.
“I’m not turning my back on you. I’m saying we need to slow it
down. It’s not fair to either of us…”

“You mean it’s not fair to you,” I corrected.
“This whole relationship hasn’t been fair to me. You expect me to
abide by your rules and then when things get a little uncomfortable
for you, you want to bail.”

He advanced on me until his hands were on
either side of my face, cupping me in an iron grip. “I told you I’m
not leaving you. I love you,” he said, and then dissolved into
tears of his own. “I love you.” He kissed me hard, maybe to punish
me, maybe to prove something to himself, but I didn’t care. I
responded anyway.

My heart was in this. And I was
going to fight for it, even if he was too stupid to figure out what
he wanted.

When he felt himself stir against me he just
pulled me close in a tight embrace. “See what you do to me?” he
whispered. “I couldn’t let you go if I tried.” He rested his
forehead to mine. “I just want to take it slow for a
while.”

“What does that mean?”

“Back to condoms,” he said with a lopsided grin
that made me laugh despite myself. “Then, I dunno. Maybe let time
take care of itself.”

That sounded ominous, but at that moment I was
too afraid to ask for any clarification. He was in my arms when he
could have walked right out the door. That had to mean
something.

In a few months, when he had some distance and
perspective from this little scare, then we could re-evaluate where
we go from there.

In the meantime I had one more moment, one more
opportunity. And I knew that I was far too invested to walk away
now. I would find a way to make this work. No matter
what.

New York City, April 2009

~Andy~

The tour rolled on across the country, and
despite my instinct to stick close to Vanni after our tumultuous
visit in San Francisco there was really no justifiable reason to
chase after him from city to city. I could have made it work for my
job, of course, but at the same time he wanted to take it slow and
I wanted to show him that I respected that.

It was a big scare not easily
forgotten by either of us the rest of my trip in San Francisco,
which included one lackluster attempt to make love before my least
favorite aunt decided to finally show up, thereby ruining the
entire visit in not just one way but two.

I was thrown decidedly off center and unsure
how to maintain our relationship other than just give him the space
he needed to figure out it wasn’t the end of the world. We had a
scare, sure, but that helped us be smarter about our sexual
relationship so we could put off any “accidents” until we were
ready to have kids.

Thinking of Vanni in this context
was my guilty pleasure; I knew that he had not made me any promises
for the future aside from declaring his love for me. I took it the
next logical step, even when I knew it wasn’t the smartest thing to
do. But there were several indicators that he was sincere in his
love for me. He took care of me in San Francisco, especially after
we got back from the hospital. Even though he wanted to take it
slow he still stayed in my room and was particularly
attentive.

Passion took a back seat to affection, which
seemed all the more loving to me. So he couldn’t say what he
wanted, maybe he didn’t even know. But if he stayed with me it
meant that I meant more to him than just a casual fling, so I held
that in my heart even though I was terribly insecure what he had
meant when he said he wanted to slow things down.

After I came home he still sent me text
messages and emails, and I’d get the occasional call before he went
to bed. They were fewer and farther between than they had been
before the tour, but that was to be expected. He was in the fast
lane now. Even just one email a week or a random text for no other
reason than just say, “Wish you were here,” meant his heart was in
the right place even if he didn’t have the time to invest into our
relationship.

The reviews indicated the boys were
really making a splash now that they had hit the national stage. I
began to channel the energy I would have spent on him on his image
and the image of the band. The forums were exploding with new fans,
especially the ones who got to participate in the V.I.P. parties in
each city.

My original concern that people were getting a
bit too familiar grew with some of the participants on the message
boards. I had no problems with their finding Vanni sexy, or even
entertaining the idea they may one day be able to be with him. But
some seemed to take it to an unhealthy extreme, and their bragging
about the special time they got to spend with him made me wonder
what was really going on after those concerts.

I couldn’t see Vanni spending any
significant time in acquiring road trophies by anonymous one night
stands.

But then again, he certainly had time to spend
with me when I’d travel to see his gigs. The only real difference
was that I wasn’t a groupie trying to bed the big rock
star.

Was I?

And besides, he really had wanted to be with me
more than just a brief sexual conquest just because I was
convenient. Didn’t he?

By the time the band headed back to NYC for a
homecoming towards the end of the tour, I gently interjected myself
into the festivities. I volunteered my services for Iris and Alana,
as well as with Jacob, who were orchestrating the entire affair.
When I called Vanni to let him know I was going to be able to come
to town, he seemed appropriately happy about it and offered to let
me stay at his apartment, which made me feel a lot better about
things.

Yet there was still a dark hidden
piece of me that was almost looking for any crack in the veneer,
any half-hearted response, any change in his M.O., such as texting
or emailing me more frequently before I got into town.

By the time I stepped out of the cab
in front of his apartment my hands shook with such anxiety it was
hard to fit my spare key into the door.

“Hello?” I called out as I stepped into the
foyer. “Vanni?”

My voice echoed down the hallway but went
unanswered. With a sigh I drug my two suitcases to the bedroom. It
was still fairly early but I knew that he and the band rigorously
rehearsed their new stage show. Vanni was a tireless perfectionist
and wanted it to be better and more impressive each time they hit
the stage.

This was one of the reasons I
couldn’t believe he was off screwing groupies by the dozen. By the
time he finished a show he was dog tired and ready to get some
sleep so he could do it all again the next day.

I was able to run down to the
neighborhood store, grab some ingredients for dinner and prepare
him a small meal by the time he stopped back by the house at 3:00
p.m. He found me in the kitchen and greeted me with a hug and
kiss.

I could feel the wariness in his
body.

“You look tired,” I said as I brushed his hair
out of his face.

“I am,” he admitted. “I was going to try and
get a nap for about an hour.” He glanced over and spied the dinner
I had prepared. “What’d you do?”

“Just a little something,” I said. “I know you.
You probably haven’t eaten since this morning.”

He laughed and pulled me back into his arms.
“This is all I need.” He kissed my neck. “Feel like joining me for
a nap?”

He kissed me softly and allowed his hand to
roam lovingly over the curve of my hip.

“If I go you won’t get a nap,” I
reminded.

“I’ll risk it,” he said as he picked me up and
carried me off to the bedroom.

He did sneak in a nap after our
brief but intense reunion, and by 5:00 he had showered, eaten and
was back out the door. We agreed that I would arrive separately, so
I didn’t leave until an hour or so later. I called Jacob from the
cab.

Of all my friends he knew the most about my
relationship with Vanni. He wasn’t privy to what happened in San
Francisco, I still hadn’t managed to share that with anyone. But he
knew that I was staying with Vanni, though he was threatened on
pain of death telling Vanni that he knew.

This was the world I now shared with my
friends. We all spoke in code, trusting that we “understood” secret
meanings without having to say the actual words. Because of this I
sensed that there were things he wasn’t telling me either. Sadly he
wasn’t as forthcoming with me as I had been with him, but I
followed his lead in not asking any questions.