Gravity (Free Falling) (9 page)

He turned around and glared at the driver
angrily as if they should’ve known they were interrupting such an intimate moment.  While he accelerated, I retrieved the bottle like I’d originally set out to do.  I separated the metal cap from the glass bottle, causing it to pop when the seal was broken.  I hadn’t even thought to ask if AJ minded before opening it, but figured I should before drinking.  “Do you mind if I get some?”  I asked.

He gave me a weird look.  “Why would I mind?” 

I shrugged and took one dainty swig, being careful not to put my mouth on it just in case he had a pet peeve about that.  As I was screwing the top back on, I could see him shaking his head from side to side.  “Such a girl,” he accused.

“You say that like it’s a bad thing.”

“It is when it keeps you from being yourself.  We’re not in Kindergarten.  I know you don’t have cooties,” he replied.

I smiled and removed the cap again, drinking from it like I owned it this time.  “Better?”  I asked.

“Much.”  He grabbed the bottle from me before I could reseal it and took a drink too. 

“One of the main things I like about you is that you seem so real.  You don’t have to change when you’re around me,” he explained.

“What else do you like about me?”  I asked boldly. 

AJ
smiled and rambled off a list as though he’d been hoping that the opportunity would present itself eventually.  “Your eyes were the first thing I noticed.  Then your lips; I like how they move when you talk.  I like the way you dress.  I like that you’re artistic; most artists are more expressive whick makes them so much more interesting to talk to,” he said.  I was trying not to blush as he complimented me so readily that he came across as a fan.  “I like that you’re open minded,” he continued.  “I could see us talking for hours and I imagine I’d never get tired of hearing you explain how you see the world.  Even the way you
think
is beautiful.” 

My heart felt like it stopped cold in my chest as I stared at him. 
I don’t think he knew it, but that last part was possibly the most perfectly flattering thing anyone had ever said to me. 

“W
ow…” was all I could say back. This was getting much heavier than I’d intended for it to get…..and that made me nervous.  The fact still remained that I was supposed to be with Antonio.  The more I talked and interacted with AJ, the hazier my mind got.  He’d, in a matter of days, gotten under my skin in a way that it took Antonio six months to do.  How could the two nearly be equal to me and AJ was basically still a stranger? 

At almost seven on the dot, we pulled into my driveway and I was dreading having to suffer through dreams
of him like the night before.  It was inevitable.

“Well, I guess I should get inside.  My dad’s gonna start blowing up my phone in a minute.  I can feel it,” I stated. 
AJ nodded and I could tell that his feelings had gotten stronger just as mine had. 

“Yeah, I guess.”

I was uncomfortable again, similarly to the way I felt when it was time to say goodbye the day before. Whatever happened, I was more than ready for it. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,”
AJ stated just before pressing his lips to my cheek gently.  They were soft and hot and I couldn’t stop myself form imagining what it would’ve been like to have them touch mine.

“Ok…..goodnight,” I said, trying to hide the fact that I really didn’t want to leave him.  I opened the door to the car and hesitated for a fraction of a second when I placed my foot on the ground. 
Would it be so bad if I made the first move and kissed him? 
As if a
real
kiss just wasn’t meant to happen that night, my phone rang and I knew it was my father without looking at it.  I sighed and rolled my eyes as I turned to tell AJ goodbye one last time and then hurried up to the door.  Normally, I would’ve been frustrated with my father’s impatience, but for some reason I had a strong feeling that this wasn’t going to be my only chance to steal some of AJ’s time; he’d be around for a while if I had anything to do with it.

Chapter Four

The next morning I awoke at 5:28, two minutes before my alarm was scheduled to sound – a telltale sign of the sleepless night I’d suffered through.  It felt like I flew through my morning routine at light speed, and before I knew it, I had my backpack on my shoulder and was heading out to my car.  The thought of seeing AJ again was my motivation.

Once at school, I parked my car and waited there for a while.  I still had about 15 minutes before the bell would ring, so I opened the door to let in the fresh autumn air, leaning back in my seat to relax.  Flashbacks of the night before with AJ wove in and out of memories of me and Antonio.  I didn’t expect to feel so bad after sneaking off with AJ, but I did.  I had the bags under my eyes to prove it.  At around three in the morning I concluded that the reason I was so guilt-ridden was because of how quickly I was developing feelings for him.  The possibility of falling for someone so fast had my mind reeling, but I couldn’t deny what was happening.  It made me question myself on so many things – things that I either didn’t have the answers to or simply wasn’t ready to accept just yet.

In the midst of my murky thoughts, I looked up to find Antonio pulling
into the parking spot next to me.  He’d definitely be making his way over to talk, so I prepared myself.  Very few things got past him so I also expected him to address the fact that I’d been a little distant the past couple days.  I worked to push AJ out of my brain, surprising myself with how difficult a task that was.  Since yesterday, he alone occupied my thoughts.  This realization brought another pang of guilt.

After gathering
his things, Antonio stepped out of his truck and walked toward me.  He leaned down and kissed my cheek as I smiled up at him dimly, secretly wishing that he was someone else.  Remorse surfaced again.  Pushing that feeling aside, I locked and closed the door before following Antonio inside the building.  Before going our separate ways he turned and looked at me once more.  “You sure you’re ok?  You seem like something’s wrong.”

             
I forced a smile and cleared my throat.  “No, I’m fine, just got some things on my mind.  That’s all.” 
Yeah…..another guy. 

             
“Anything you wanna talk about?” He asked sympathetically.

             
I felt a pain in my stomach like someone twisting a knife in it.  Hearing the concern in his tone made me feel terrible.  Here he was thinking I was really going through something when the only thing wrong was that I was starting to have feelings for someone else.  It wasn’t right, and my body was starting to reject this secret I was keeping.  My head spun.  “Nope, just some family stuff,” I lied. Each untruth worsened the discomfort.  I hated every minute of it.

             
“Well, if you need to talk you know where to find me.”  He smiled and turned to go to his class. 

I stood there watching him until he disappeared in the classroom. 
This is so wrong. 
Antonio genuinely cared for me and I was proving to be less and less deserving of his affection as the seconds passed.  I dragged myself to homeroom where I took my seat at the back of the classroom and put my head down on my arms, only looking up briefly when Mr. Talbert took attendance.  He must have sensed that something wasn’t right, because the next thing I know I felt his hand on my shoulder and I looked up to find him standing over me. 

“Is everything alright Ms. Kelley?”  He asked caringly
. 

             
“Yeah, everything’s cool.” 

Mr. Talbert
smiled warmly before walking away.  If my torment was so obvious that even
he
noticed, then I’d need to do a better job of holding it together.

I wanted more than anything
to be certain of my feelings and to know if true happiness lied with Antonio or AJ.  I almost felt stupid for even comparing the two.  On the one hand, I’d been with Antonio for six months, had feelings for him for nearly two years, and we both had time invested in this relationship.  On the other hand, there was AJ, who I was almost
completely
unaware of just a few short days ago, but hadn’t stopped thinking about since. 
Was I crazy
?  A rationally thinking person would never even have to think twice about who was the sensible choice.  It’d be Antonio – hands down.  No ifs, ands, or buts about it.  But for some reason I didn’t seem to be in touch with my sensible side these days, which meant that I was seriously considering choosing AJ. 
Choosing
.  That word rang in my head.  Where did I even get the idea that I
had
a choice?  What if AJ wasn’t even a real option?  What if I was reading way more into what I felt happening between us?  What if this is just something he does – strings a new girl along every couple weeks just to keep things interesting?  What if I was risking my relationship with Antonio for nothing?  If this was the case, where would that leave me when the smoke cleared?

Antonio had already proven
to me over the course of time that his heart belonged to me and no one else.  I didn’t have that same security with AJ.  Could I really risk losing Antonio on an impulse?  Being with AJ was a gamble and I wasn’t sure if I could take that chance.  I deliberated for the remainder of the class period before finally reaching a decision…..Antonio was who I needed to be with.  It just made sense and I didn’t want to bet everything on AJ with the very real possibility of losing it all.  For my own sanity I had to leave him alone.  It didn’t make sense that after only spending a couple days with him I already felt like I was losing my mind.  That can’t be healthy.  I’d have to bridle my feelings for AJ and try to continue our relationship as nothing more than friends.  I knew that it was going to be easier said than done because, despite the fact that I denied it to myself on an hourly basis, I was really starting to fall for him……
hard.

I felt
only a mild sense of relief after finally making up my mind. There were still so many unanswered questions.  I had yet to make heads or tails of why I felt so drawn to AJ in the first place.  Yeah, he’s attractive, but it was much, much deeper than that.  For some reason we clicked and I hadn’t been able to shake him since.  That feeling in itself intrigued me.  How could two people who seemed to have so little in common seem to fit so well? Whenever he looked at me there was this absolutely insane chemistry that made me wonder on more than one occasion if us running into one another wasn’t just a coincidence.  Maybe it was supposed to happen that way.  I forced myself to swallow the bitterness that swept over my body at the thought of never exploring whatever that connection was.  One thing was for sure, if I was going to make this work with Antonio I had to beat my untamed feelings back and keep them in check. 

When the bell sounded I was on my feet and on my way
out the door.  My intentions were to walk to class without being noticed by either Antonio or AJ, but of course that wasn’t the case.  I rounded the corner to find Antonio waiting for me outside of my math class.

A smile crossed his face when he saw me approaching. 
I wished that I could match his enthusiasm, but I felt weary.  I found myself missing AJ already, knowing that I’d have to put distance between us.  That was the right thing to do.  Antonio moved forward, and before I realized it he embraced me.  There in his arms, I accepted the decision I’d made.  Over and over again I told myself that this felt right, but secretly, I couldn’t deny the fact that something was missing.   Somehow, even with that realization, I believed that this was the better option.  Me and Antonio were tried and proven.  AJ was uncharted territory.  Antonio really cared about me.  This moment of clarity made me feel like such an idiot.  I’d risked so much, and for what?  Was it really worth it?  I ignored the first answer that came to mind and forced myself to believe that the true response to that question should be
‘no’. 
With such a rush of emotion, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to control the tears that threatened to spill over, but I had to.  I held Antonio tighter to reassure myself that choosing him was right.

The tardy bell sounded but Antonio and I
didn’t move from where we stood.  The hallways were clear and no one was there except for the two of us.  “Do you want me to take you somewhere?” He asked in a soft voice, sensing that something was wrong.

             
I nodded.

He pulled my chin up
with one hand and wiped the one tear that managed to escape with the other.  “Come on,” he whispered. 

I’d only skipped school two other times in my life, but I
wasn’t ready to face AJ just yet – not while I still felt so unsure about everything.  This chance to escape was a blessing. Despite the fact that I believed I was doing the right thing, there was an unshakable sadness that settled in on my heart.  It weighed me down something terrible. 

Antonio and I
made our way out to the parking lot without being seen, got into his truck and drove off.  I wasn’t sure where we were going and I didn’t bother to ask.  We rode in silence without even as much as the sound of the radio.  Antonio held my hand in his as he always did when we drove together.  I liked that there were some things that I could count on with him.  He was comfortingly predictable.  He glanced over at me and raised my hand to his lips to kiss it. 

Sitting here next to him I
was beginning to feel more confident in the decision I’d made; Antonio
was
the right choice.  I leaned my head back on the seat and closed my eyes only to be startled by the sound of AJ’s voice echoing in my head –
“I’m just trying to decide whether you’re trying to convince me or yourself.”
I heard him as plain as day.  My eyes popped open quickly and I sat straight up in my seat.  I cleared my throat, trying to dismiss the words.  Antonio glanced over at me a few times to make sure I was okay, but didn’t say anything.  I did my best to dismiss the harsh reality that fueled AJ’s statement and settled back against the headrest.

We’d driven nearly 30 minutes before finally coming to a stop in the parking lot of a restaurant that I didn’t recognize.  I reached to unbuckle my seatbelt and waited as Antonio came around to open my door.  He took my hand and led me inside. 
The waitress seated us at a quiet table in the corner near a window and we were silent for a few minutes before Antonio began to speak.  “Do you wanna talk about it, or is it something personal?”  He asked.

             
“It’s not that, I just had some issues to sort out and I guess it was harder than I thought it would be.”

             
“I won’t keep bugging you about it; I just wanna be sure that you’re okay,” he said.

I nodded my head
, unable to look him in his eyes.  I could feel him staring at me intently as he tried to read my expression and uncover my secret, but all he found there was sadness.  The waitress came to our table and took our order.  I wanted nothing more than a glass of water.  My stomach was queasy and I didn’t want to make it any worse than it already was.  Antonio seemed concerned that I wouldn’t eat, but he didn’t make a fuss.  She left us and we were alone again.  “Did you have a good time at the dance?”  He asked in a low voice and then reached across the table to clasp my hands in his. 

             
“Of course I did.  I always have a good time with you.”

             
“You looked
really
good in that dress.  I had to make sure to look you in the eyes ‘cause I knew your dad was watching me.”

I smiled weakly.  “Yeah he was de
finitely waiting for you to mess up, so he’d have an excuse to keep me home.”

             
“I can’t blame him for trying to keep you under wraps.  If I had a choice in the matter you wouldn’t go
anywhere
.  I’d keep you locked up with me somewhere all day,” he said smiling.  It soon faded and his voice took on a more serious tone.  “I really care about you Sam…...I mean I
really
care about you.”  I braced myself, unsure where this conversation was going.  Then he said the words I wasn’t sure I could handle hearing.  Not on this particular day.  “I love you.”

I stared back at him for a moment
, shocked.  My brain was overloaded already and I wasn’t prepared to add this to the equation.  Feeling Antonio’s eyes on me, I knew that he needed a response.  I searched my heart before answering, being sure that I only responded in truth.  Those words are too important to ever utter them without them being absolutely true.  Did I share these feelings?  In my head, I traveled back to the beginning of our relationship.  I closed my eyes for a moment and let myself remember.  If I erased the past few days from the records and didn’t include AJ in this comparison, I couldn’t remember another person who made me feel as special as Antonio did.  Once upon a time he’d been the only guy to affect my heart in any type of way and get my attention.  I couldn’t deny that I had strong feelings for him – regardless of the fact that things had become a little cloudy lately. 

I took a deep breath and exhale
d the words, “I love you too.” 

Antonio
smiled and kissed my hand again.  He seemed to be relieved to hear me say it – almost like he wasn’t sure if I would or not.  It was clear from his expression that he was content.  I, on the other hand, had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach that I knew wasn’t supposed to be there.  I smiled back and did my best to ignore it. When you tell someone that you love them for the first time you’re supposed to be on cloud nine, right?  I should’ve been just as excited as Antonio was.  So…why did I feel dread more than I felt anything else?