Gravity (Free Falling) (11 page)

“What is it?”
He asked.

             
This was it.  I hadn’t planned to have this talk so soon, but it seemed stupid to prolong the inevitable.  “Well….”  I paused and shifted my weight to my other foot as I composed myself.  “Remember when we were talking in my room the other day and you asked me if it would make things easier for me if…”  The words got stuck in my throat and I gripped the straps of my backpack to keep him from seeing that my hands were shaking.  “…..you asked me if it would make things e-easier for me if you….backed off a little.”

AJ
’s expression was solemn when he answered.  “Yeah, I remember.”

             
I started fidgeting as I felt my resolve begin to waver, but the fact still remained that I had to do this.  I had to let AJ know that this…..this…..thing between us couldn’t go any further than it already had.  Antonio deserved my full attention and there was no way I could give him that with my thoughts constantly centered on AJ like they had been lately. 

I cleared my throat nervously. 
“W-well, I did some thinking and…..I think that maybe that would be best right now.”  He looked at the ground and shook his head like he saw this coming.  I wasn’t sure if he was getting mad or what, but I was desperate to make him understand where I was coming from.  “AJ, when I’m around you I’m confused and I can’t make sense of things and I
hate
feeling that way.  I’m doing things that just aren’t me…..lying, sneaking around.  It just makes me feel like I’m going crazy; like I have split personalities or something.”  He crossed his arms over his chest and stared off into the distance instead of at me while he thought.  We were both silent for a long time, then I continued.  “I think that I like you
wayyyy
more than I should and I can’t afford to take a chance on you, AJ.”  My chest tightened as I bared my soul, but I wasn’t finished.  “If you decide later that you don’t want this, then where will that leave me?  That makes me feel really insecure about this whole thing – about letting myself feel the way I feel about you.”  I paused and tried to gage his expression, but it hadn’t changed since I began my speech.  “I really hope you understand what I’m trying to say.”

My heart pounded violently against my ribcage.  What was he thinking?  Had I said too much?  Admitted too much?  I felt terribly exposed having told him all of this not knowing what was going on inside his head.  AJ let a few seconds pass without saying one word.  I
thought my heart might come through my chest. 

“I understand…..
” he finally replied.  “…..and I promised you that if you decided that space was what you needed, I’d do my best to give it to you.”  He paused and took a step in my direction, causing me to tilt my head back in order to look him in the eye.  When he spoke again, it was in a low, forceful tone. “But there’re some things you should know first.  I have very strong, and very
real
feelings for you, Sam.  I thought you knew that.  And had I known my sincerity was in question I would’ve told you sooner, but that’s beside the point.  I won’t force you to do something you’re uncomfortable with, but you’re making a huge mistake,” he said confidently, never blinking, never waning.

My eyes fluttered and I felt a little unsteady on my feet at his admission. 
AJ was so sure when he spoke that I believed every word of it – for a moment, even the part about this being a mistake.  I folded my arms over my chest and struggled not to falter. I clenched my jaw and stared into his eyes.  They were filled with so much raw emotion that I could hardly stand it.  We stood there for what felt like forever before he finally turned to walk away.  I stood there with my back leaned against the car trying to keep it together.  His response caught me completely off guard and I was already beginning to second guess myself.

That evening, I received a phone call from Antonio.  I’d just settled into bed and turned on the radio when I heard it ring.

              “Hello?”

             
“Hey,” he replied.  “What you up to?”

             
“Nothing, just got ready for bed.  I was about to call you,” I answered.

             
“I guess I beat you to the punch.”

             
“Yeah, I guess you did,” I said smiling.

             
“I just wanted to hear your voice again before I went to bed.”

             
“You act like you miss me or something.”

             
“Maybe just a little,” he laughed.  “I wish I could spend
all
my time with you.”  There was a long pause.  “That’s why I’ve been thinking.  What if I got an apartment near Charleston so we can still be close to each other and I could just drive the hour to school?  I keep thinking about being away from you for days at a time and I don’t think I can handle it.”

That was unexpected
.  Antonio’s plans for school were already set in place and he was supposed to be staying on campus.  It flattered me that he was willing to make such a big sacrifice for
me
.  He really
is
in love.  Tears welled up in my eyes, making the difficult conversation I’d had with AJ seem so much more necessary.

             
“I would
love
that,” I replied.

             
“That’s all I needed to hear.  I’ll probably start looking for a place after the first of the year.”  I could hear through the phone that he was smiling.

             
“Sounds good.”

“Alright, well I’m gonna let you get some sleep and I’ll talk to you tomorrow.  I love you.”

              “You too,” I replied just before disconnecting the call.  I reached over, turned my light off and pulled the covers up to my chin. My thoughts were so muddied that I was grateful for a dreamless sleep.

*****

The next morning I must have slept through my alarm because I was startled by the sound of my mother banging on my door and yelling for me to get up. 
What a great way to start the day
.  I quickly hopped to my feet, showered, literally swallowed my breakfast, and ran to my car.  When I pulled into the parking lot there were no lingering students, indicating just how late I was.  I turned the car off and raced for the door. 

I wasn’t sure what to expect from
AJ.  He didn’t try to call or text me after our conversation.  It wasn’t my intention to hurt him in any way, but I had to say what I said no matter how unpleasant it was for either of us.  In order to stand firm on my decision, I couldn’t allow myself to spend time with him or even communicate with him by phone.  My attraction to him was just that strong. 
How could someone so uncomplicated complicate a situation so much?
  I forced that thought from my mind because I’d already vowed not to
let
it be complicated any longer.  I’d made my decision and there was no wavering. 

I was about ten minutes late, so Mr. Talbert was visibly displeased.  I didn’t sa
y a word as I took my seat, but after the bell rang to release us to our first hour, he pulled me aside and lectured me about the consequences of being late to his class.  It was strange when he decided to take on the role of disciplinarian because I was so used to him being such a jokester. I listened to his speech and then I was on my way. 

I found Antonio in the hall with
a couple minutes to spare before the bell would ring.  He was glad to see me as always and hugged me like I’d been away for months. 

             
“I missed you,” he stated.

             
“I missed you too,” I replied with a smile on my face.  He stared at me smiling for a moment, seemingly lost in thought.  It was obvious from the look in his eyes that his feelings for me ran deep – maybe even deeper than he would ever reveal.  “I was thinking we should go out tomorrow night.  There’s a new movie I want to take you to see.”

I smiled. 
“Sounds like fun.”

             
“Alright, cool.  I guess we’d better get to class.”

             
“K, I’ll see you in a bit,” I replied and watched him walk away.

             
So far, things seemed to be going well, but that didn’t mean much.  Seeing AJ was still going to be potentially stressful depending on how he was taking to the new boundaries on our relationship.  There could be many possibilities, but there was no sense in speculating.  Ms. Jamison’s class would be a testament of what was to come. 

The day seemed to drag on a bit longer than usual.  By the time lunch ended
, it felt more like it should be time to go home.  I walked to Government and took my seat, grateful that I’d made it to class before AJ.  When he finally arrived, only seconds before the bell sounded, I was shocked that he passed by me without even so much as a greeting.  My mouth gaped open as he took his seat and I realized that he wasn’t speaking to me anymore. I composed myself and tried to focus on Ms. Jamison’s lesson, but this proved to be a more daunting task than I’d expected.  I tried not to be aware of him at all, so I closed my eyes and was dead-set on treating him the same way he was treating me.  There was no eye contact, no attempts at casual conversation even when our group assembled.  Leslie did most of the talking and we only spoke to
her
instead of each other.  The tension was thick enough to cut through.  I knew that Leslie was oblivious as to what was going on, but she knew that something was off. 

“So, I’ll see you both at 5:30, right?”  Leslie inquired.

“Yeah,” I replied dryly.

My cold response seemed to make her uneasy too. 
“I was hoping you could come get me later.  I would’ve just ridden home with you now, but I have to watch Heather until my mom gets in.”

             
“Sure.  I’ll be there around 5.”

             
“K. Thanks.”  She replied and then took another look at AJ and I before sighing and walking away. 

When the bell rang
AJ rose from his seat without so much as a glance in my direction and then he disappeared out the door.  That whole hour, I was painfully aware of the fact that this didn’t feel right. 
Did it have to be all or nothing with him?  Was it really that we couldn’t even be cordial?
There was a strange emptiness between he and I that made me uncomfortable.  I was dissatisfied with this new arrangement, but there was no other way.  I gathered my things and went on to my next class. 

*****

Shoot!  It’s already 4:58! 
This was not my day for being on time.  I ran out the door and jumped in the car.  I’d gotten caught up in a good show on TV and lost track of time, so I raced down the street toward Leslie’s house.  I pulled up in her driveway ten minutes later and she was waiting on the porch already.  She climbed in the car and didn’t seem irritated at all by the fact that I was late.  I drove back home slower than I’d driven to her house.  I was in no hurry to be in AJ’s presence again anytime soon because I’d had about all I could take of his attitude.  I sighed aloud and tried to think of something else – a
nything
else.  That was short lived.  As I rounded the corner, I could see his car parked on the street in front of my house.  He sat there expressionless staring off into the distance at nothing.  He was determined to be as unreasonable as he’d been earlier.  Nothing had changed.

Leslie and I got out of the car and walked toward the h
ouse.  I didn’t turn to see AJ get out, but I heard his car door slam behind me.  I walked in and held the door for Leslie…..and A.J, rolling my eyes as he passed by without speaking again.  Leslie was comfortable in my house and walked right in and took a seat.  I slammed the door a little harder than was necessary and then followed them into the living room where I sat down on the floor.  I’d already taken out all the supplies we’d need before I got caught up in the TV show earlier.  Everyone was silent – even Leslie – as we each took a different section and worked individually. 

We worked for the next two and a half hou
rs in almost complete silence before Leslie finally broke in.  “Well, I think we got a lot done today.  Do you mind running me home now?  I have other homework I have to get done. “

             
“Sure.  No problem,” I replied.  I felt a rush of relief as I realized that I was about to get a break from AJ’s dismal presence.

             
“Thanks,” Leslie said as we got up to walk toward the door and slid our shoes on.  I opened the door while AJ and Leslie said goodbye to one another.  Of course he still said nothing to me, so I didn’t bother speaking to him either as he turned to walk to his car.  This silent treatment he called himself giving me was so juvenile.

I drove Leslie home and h
oped that she didn’t think my silence was on account of anything
she’d
done.  I just wasn’t up for small talk.  When she exited the car I tried to smile as I told her goodbye, but on the inside, I was
furious
with AJ. 
Who does he think he is? 
I was nothing but honest with him and considerate of his feelings and apparently this was his response.