Gothic Charm School (3 page)

•    Poetry of a gloomy nature
  
•    Stormy nights, flickering candles, and photos taken in graveyards
  
•    Corsets, bustles, and cravats with darkly bejeweled stick-pins
  
•    Lace gloves, velvet chokers, silver-headed walking sticks, and poison rings
  
•    Dark velvet and torn black lace
  
•    Old horror movies in flickering black and white.
  

Are all Goths interested in every last one of those things? Good heavens, no. But those are some of the recurring markers of a gothy mindset, signs that you may be more spookily inclined than you might have realized. The sharp-eyed among you will note that “feeling depressed,” “cutting oneself,” or “hurting others” are
nowhere
on that list. All of those phrases reflect common misconceptions about what Goths are like, and all of them are wrong. Goths, by their very nature, are more willing to acknowledge feelings of sadness than other people, but that doesn't mean that you have to be sad all the time or hurt yourself to be considered a Goth.

So what if you have suddenly realized that you have gothy tendencies? Does this mean you should rush out, buy an anthology of the works of Edgar Allan Poe and the collected episodes of
The Addams Family
and start amassing an all-black wardrobe? Welllllllll, only if you really want to. If those are things that you wanted to do before reading this book, then by all means, go forth and do them. But don't feel that you have to. Having interests in common with a particular subculture doesn't mean that you have to declare yourself a part of it. There's no
Secret Goth Cabal
that monitors who purchases black eyeliner and vampire novels and sends them the secret membership application once they have accumulated enough
Goth points
. Which leads us neatly to the very next section…

The difference between being a Goth, a NotAGoth, and not being a Goth yourself but being Goth-friendly

Wait, the difference between being a Goth and a NotAGoth? You may be wondering what on earth a NotAGoth is. You see, there are people who are extremely Goth, people who are perfect exam
ples of spookiness or are legendary icons in our dark and gloomy subculture, who want nothing to do with the label of Goth. People who, if asked about it, will say they don't consider themselves Goths and don't want to be labeled as such. (Sometimes they will say this quite vehemently.) They are NotAGoths. However, NotAGoth is something of a long-standing inside joke in the Goth subculture. Time and time again it seems that the people who are very obviously Goth are the ones who proclaim they are Not Goth At All the loudest, which has led the rest of the Goth community to nod wisely and say, “Oh yes, that is the true and final stage of being a Goth. You become so Goth you are NotAGoth.” Examples of this phenomenon include some of the top icons of the Gothic music genre, such as Siouxsie Sioux, Peter Murphy (of Bauhaus), Robert Smith (of The Cure), and Andrew Eldritch (of The Sisters of Mercy). (If you haven't heard of those bands but are interested in the Goth subculture, do yourself a favor and give them a listen.) Andrew Eldritch rather infamously booted a supporting act off of a tour because he felt they were “too Goth.”

So what should you do when presented with these NotAGoth types? Should you argue with them, point out all the ways in which they are extremely
gawthick
? No. Just smile, nod, and let them be. In some cases, people proclaim they are not part of something because they feel they've moved beyond such labels. Maybe they once were Goth, and maybe they still have interests that would define them as part of the subculture, but they don't feel that those interests are the most prominent parts of who they are now. (This is sometimes also known as the “Oh yes, I used to be a Goth, but I've moved beyond it” argument and is frequently spouted by people who, for whatever reason, have bought into the notion that Goth is a phase, something to grow out of. There will be more on that notion later.)

Some NotAGoths don't feel they are Goths, no matter what anyone else thinks. In their minds, they may have a lot in common with Goths, but not enough to earn that label for themselves. The Lady of the Manners's dear husband is one of these sorts of creatures; he says that even though he has a dark and acerbic sense of humor, and even though he prefers a wardrobe of somber shades, and even though his artwork tends to feature monstrous creatures, he is not a
big enough
fan of the music, of vampire novels, of fancy clothing to be called a Goth. No matter how much of a spooky and beribboned dark cupcake his wife is. To which, again, the Lady of the Manners just smiles and lets him be. If people don't want to consider themselves Goths, there's nothing wrong with that. If we want it to be okay to embrace the Goth label, we have to extend the same kindness to those who would reject it. Trying to categorize other people is a harmless diversion that almost everyone indulges in; just make sure you treat others with the same courtesy and respect you want them to grant to you.

So what if you don't consider yourself a Goth and other people haven't tried to call you a Goth, but you do share some interests and seem to have a fair number of friends who are Goths? Why yes, you would be considered Goth-friendly, and oh goodness, does the Goth community need more people who
are
Goth-friendly. In the very best cases, people who are Goth-friendly are the ones who look “completely normal,” whatever that really means, but will speak up in defense when other, more closed-minded people make disparaging comments about one of the spooky and black-clad. Someone who will gently try to point out that no, Goths aren't a danger to themselves or others, and they aren't all depressed or creepy. People who, if pressed, will talk about the interests they share with those weird Goth types. Does this mean that Goth-friendly equals being some sort of activist for the equal treatment
for the spooky and black-clad? No. (Though the Lady of the Manners isn't going to stop you if you do want to take that up as a cause.) What it means is that the Goth-friendly are people who treat Goths just as they treat everyone else. (Yes, the Lady of the Manners does come back to that core point rather a lot. But it is a good point!)

Some people who consider themselves to be Goth-friendly are that way because they used to be more active in the Goth world but for whatever reason, they've drifted away from the subculture. They still like certain aspects of it, and a Bauhaus or Dead Can Dance reunion tour will almost certainly drag them out of wherever they've been hiding, but the Goth subculture isn't as big a part of their lives as it might have been at one point. For them, the time they spent closely identifying with Goth really was a phase. A phase they think of with affection, but nevertheless consider a phase. But just because they've moved on doesn't mean they think disdainfully of those who still identify with that world of gloom and black velvet. After all, they probably still have a lot of friends who self-identify as Goth. Sure, there will probably be some good-natured teasing back and forth between the Goths and the lapsed Goths, but hopefully it's based on the mutual understanding of each other's quirks and interests.

Something that Goths with non-Goth friends absolutely must keep in mind is that they should not try to “convert” them. Oh yes, the Lady of the Manners understands all too well the urge to do a complete makeover on a “normal on the outside” friend, to treat him as your very own dress-up doll, take him out, and flaunt your handiwork. But if your friend says he'd rather not be your before-and-after project, respect that. Friendship isn't about setting out to change a person into someone completely different just because you want him to be a better match or an accessory for you. Yes,
over time your friend will possibly come to share more interests with you (if sometimes in a tangential way), but that works both ways. Your friends' interests will also rub off on you, giving all of you even more things to stay up all night talking about. Choosing your friends solely based on how Goth you think they are (or how much time they spend playing the same video games as you, how big a sports fan, how attractive they are, and so on) is more than a touch shallow. Friends should make you laugh, make you think, and bring new ideas and experiences to your life, not be some sort of collection of clones of you. If that's what you want, it would probably be easier to just stay home and talk to your mirror. The Lady of the Manners thinks that would get rather boring very quickly, but if that's what you really want, she's not going to stop you. Shake her head rather sadly, yes, but stop you, no.