Gothic Charm School (5 page)

“You can't be a
Real Goth
if…” Oh, please—what rubbish. There is no activity, interest, or item of clothing that will get one summarily thrown out of the world of Goth. Really. No, not even liking country music. Because, please, if Johnny Cash wasn't a forefather of Goth, then no one was, and we should all just give up any notion of this subculture right now. The Lady of the Manners knows of DJs at Goth clubs who delight in playing non-Goth music in the middle of their sets and watching the dance floor fill up. (Those same DJs will cackle delightedly at the Gother-than-thou types who promptly throw temper tantrums when non-Goth music starts blaring out, because it seems to be a law of nature that the person thrown into a tizzy by hearing “SexyBack” is likeliest to request a song by a band the DJ played not fifteen minutes before.)

“You can't be a
Real Goth
if…” what? If you spend your weekends hiking and camping? If you are a devout (and obviously open-minded) Christian? If you're in the military? If you don't spend every waking moment in velvet and frills? If you love going to Disneyland? If you don't like the movies of Tim Burton, if horror novels scare you, if you don't feel the need to paint your bedroom black or blood red? You see, there is no way to complete the “You can't be a
Real Goth
if…” statement without it sounding ridiculous. Yes, for many people Goth is a core part of who they are, but it isn't the
only
thing they are. While their dark and spooky mindset and tastes probably add a shadowy tinge to just about everything they do, they don't only do things that are on some sort of pre-approved Goth activity list. (Another thing that doesn't really exist, much like the
Secret Goth Cabal
.)

The people who tend to spout off the
Real Goth
nonsense, or who believe you must be spooktactular all the time, are gener
ally very insecure. They're worried that someone, somewhere, is judging them, finding them lacking, and that it's only a matter of time before a member of the nonexistent
Secret Goth Cabal
swoops down and exposes them for the gothy fraud they are. It seems that the only way these sorts of people can make themselves feel better is to pose as all-knowing members of that nonexistent
Secret Goth Cabal
and pass disapproving judgment on others.

Why you shouldn't believe everything you read on the Internet, including those silly quizzes

Speaking of passing disapproving judgment on others, it's time to talk about the Internet! Oh, all right, the Internet isn't entirely about passing disapproving judgment on others; sometimes it's about trying to make yourself seem cooler than you really are.

Wait, wait, come back here. The Lady of the Manners is joking, of course. The Internet has been a huge boon to Goth culture, allowing people of a dark and eccentric nature to reach out across geographical boundaries and communicate with like-minded souls. So what if you're the only Goth in your small town, or if no one around you understands your interests? Thanks to the Internet, with its blogs, message boards, LiveJournal, MySpace, Facebook, and every other social networking site, isolated Goths can find others like themselves and have a sense of community and belonging. There are countless Goth-themed social groups online, with more springing up all the time. These forums and message boards can be centered on events, musicians, brands of makeup, TV shows, specific aspects of Gothdom—just about anything, really. Not only has the Internet made it easier for Goths around the
world to truly become a global community, it has also helped the subculture grow as independent artists are able to reach a wider audience, isolated Goths are able to find clothing and merchandise that appeals to their non-mainstream tastes, and people can plan and organize large events to bring members of the black-clad tribe together for an always all-too-short time of socializing and fun.

But (and you knew there was a cautionary “but” coming because you're very clever) there is a dark and not-good side of the Internet Goth community (as opposed to the dark and good side, because that
is
what Goth is all about). People seem to forget that there is no elite board of fact-checkers that oversees the Internet and that just because something is posted online doesn't make it true. People can go online, make up whatever outlandish story they want, and post it somewhere to be read. And you can guarantee that there will be someone, somewhere, who will believe that outlandish story and repeat it to others. Of course, the same thing has been going on for ages and ages, long before the Internet existed. But the Internet sped things up, so to speak. Now, instead of “I heard this from my cousin's best friend's ex-boyfriend, who heard it from one of his bandmate's girlfriends,” stories that should probably be greeted with a skeptically raised eyebrow are introduced with, “I read this online…” (That sentence frequently ends, the Lady of the Manners adds wryly, with the words “on MySpace.”)

Yes, as the old saying goes, on the Internet, no one knows you're a dog. You can be anyone and say anything on the Internet. The Lady of the Manners has read journals and forum posts from people's pets and imaginary friends. Why, even the Lady of the Manners's very own beloved fanged toy bunny has a blog (that the Lady of the Manners's parents apparently read faithfully). What the Lady of the Manners is trying to get across here is that just because an online post makes someone come across as the gothiest thing since the
creation of black velvet, that doesn't make it true. There are role-playing forums and message boards, and even huge games such as
World of Warcraft
,
City of Heroes
, or
Second Life
, where the whole point is that everyone posts in character. These online environments are based on the idea that people like to be someone or something they're not in everyday life, which is fantastic. But there are people who don't want to limit their pretending to venues where everyone is in on the fantasy. Instead, those people create whole selves, entire separate personas complete with pictures (found and “borrowed” from all over), and claim these identities are real. It isn't difficult at all to create an idealized version of who you want to be and live a fictional life on the Internet. No, what seems to be the hard part is seamlessly maintaining that fictional life and not being found out. From what the Lady of the Manners has seen, people who claim to be someone other than who they are always eventually lose the thread; they have to juggle too many different stories and eventually get tangled up in their own make-believe life. The Lady of the Manners isn't sure why those sorts of people feel the need to represent themselves as someone entirely different. Is it because they feel no one would be interested in who they really are? Is it because they feel their own lives aren't exciting or dramatic enough, and want to make things more interesting? Who knows? But ultimately, the Lady of the Manners has never seen that sort of thing end well. People pretending to be something other than who and what they are risk betraying the people who believed in them when the truth comes out. Perhaps this is not a huge and life-shattering level of betrayal, and the people with the fictional life will frequently try to defend their actions with claims of “It wasn't hurting anyone!” but no one likes being lied to, even in minor ways.

Does the Lady of the Manners mean you should constantly be suspicious of everyone you meet and everything you read online?
No, of course not. But a healthy dose of skepticism is probably a good idea. Don't take everything at face value. Ask questions, and try to trace stories or comments back to their sources. But! Even if someone's life seems to be preposterous or outlandish, remember there is a chance that you are reading the unvarnished, unadulterated truth. There are people who have had improbable things happen to them; of course, those people are usually well aware that not everyone will believe them. Sometimes they themselves have problems believing the things that have happened to them. The Lady of the Manners has seen her fair share of unbelieving e-mails insinuating that she isn't real or is a forty-something man dwelling in his parents' basement. (For the record, the Lady of the Manners is quite real and is an eccentric lady in her early forties living in her very own house with her husband and cats. Whether you believe her is entirely up to you.)

There is a very fuzzy line between giving people the benefit of the doubt and thinking the best of them, and not trusting anything you read online ever again. The best advice the Lady of the Manners can give about the whole thing is to double and triple-check anything having to do with money, and to try and keep a sense of humor about it all.

Oh, and about a sense of humor…you don't really think that any quiz or survey found online has any bearing on how Goth you are, do you? Or any bearing on anything but how much amusement someone found in creating a multiple-choice test and putting it up somewhere? Quizzes and surveys and memes (or at least, what an awful lot of people call memes, because that term is shockingly misused) should be treated as nothing more than light entertainment, not as pronouncements graven in stone about what sort of person you are. Do not work yourself into a tizzy if some online
quiz doesn't validate your gothness or doesn't give you the answer or picture you want to associate with yourself. And for heaven's sake, do not start worrying about whether you're a
Real Goth
because of an online quiz. For that matter, try to banish the phrase “
Real Goth
” from your mind and instead concentrate on being your own person. If being your own person happens to involve wearing black-hued finery and wishing you were a member of the Addams Family or other things that make you want to claim the label of Goth, then so be it.

Common misconceptions about Goths

You've seen them, those rather pale people wearing flamboyant, exotic black clothing. Perhaps you've noticed that your child prefers a more…monochromatic wardrobe than you expected or is starting to show a marked fondness for black eyeliner and dark lipstick. Or maybe a coworker apparently owns nothing but somber velvet and jewel tones, accessories with an equally dark sense of humor, and decorates his workspace with toy bats and coffins.

Because you're clever, it dawns on you that those people just might be Goths. But you're not quite sure what that means; don't those sorts all think they're vampires? Or feel depressed and contemplate suicide all the time? Or maybe they're in a cult?

No.

Goths don't all think they're vampires (although vampires are a key fashion influence); they're not all depressed and suicidal (but a lot of art from the various Gothic movements involves strong emotions of all types); and if Goths are in a cult, then so is every single fan of an organized sport, knitting, or Oprah Winfrey.

Goth is not a cult but a movement and a subculture that has been around in one form or another for centuries. So don't automatically assume that, just because someone is wearing black clothes, she's some sort of cultist. She almost certainly isn't, and if she is, the Lady of the Manners is willing to bet her collection of parasols that her being in a cult has nothing to do with being a Goth. The Goth subculture is just that, a subculture, with no reli
gious requirements. Sure, some aspects of the Goth subculture are laden with occult trappings (candles, incense, strange images, odd and old books, ghost stories, tarot cards), but that doesn't mean that to be a
Real Goth
, one must check the “Other” box for religion and list “Spooooooky.”

As a matter of fact, one's choice of religious belief does not automatically make one Goth. The Lady of the Manners personally knows Goths who are Jewish, Christian, Protestant, Catholic, Wiccan, Mormon, Buddhist, and yes indeed, even one or two Satanists. The Lady of the Manners also knows many, many Goths who are agnostics or atheists, or who are just keeping an open mind about the whole topic of religion but still willing to enter into spirited (no pun intended) discussions of belief, faith, and religion. Of course, “spirited” should not mean belligerent or antagonistic, but the Lady of the Manners is all too aware that discussions about religion can turn heated even when there aren't strange black-clad people involved.

So where does this strange assumption that Goth equals Satanist come from? Well, the Satanists the Lady of the Manners knows tend to dress in black and be very decadent and a little extreme in personality. Just like most Goths. The Lady of the Manners doesn't have to explain to all of you that real, honest-to-darkness Church of Satan Satanism is in no way involved with raising demons, sacrificing humans or animals, and is nothing at all like TV and movies would have you think, does she? No, she thought not. “Satanist,” much like “Goth,” is frequently used by the media as shorthand for “creepy,” “freaky,” or someone who is “just not right.” The only problem is that this shorthand isn't really accurate and just adds fuel to the unnecessary and unwarranted paranoia about both Satanists and Goths. While the Lady of the Manners knows that the
complete strangers who walk up to her and offer to pray for (or with) her mean well, it's still a little disconcerting that some people believe they can discern a person's spiritual preferences with a mere glance. Just because someone is wearing extravagant black clothing or items with skulls, bats, or coffins on them doesn't mean she's in need of spiritual guidance.

You may be thinking, “But what about the vampire thing?” Yes, the Lady of the Manners can tell that was on your mind, so don't try to deny it. You're right, many people in the Goth subculture look like they've stepped off the set of a vampire movie. (Either one of the modern, action-adventure ones filled with aggressive music and fight scenes or one of the type that strives for an air of antique menace.) And yes, the subculture sprang up in the wake of Bauhaus's song “Bela Lugosi's Dead.” But do Goths really believe they're vampires? Gracious, no. Many Goths like enjoying or dressing like characters from vampire books, movies, and games, and some even like Count Chocula breakfast cereal, but they don't really think that they're
undead creatures of the night
. In fact, if confronted with a person who claims to be a vampire, most Goths would suggest that this person needs to get out more, look for a way to flee the conversation, or just start snickering. In fact, the Lady of the Manners has been asked for advice on how to deal with people who really do think they are
undead creatures of the night
. The Lady of the Manners suggested that the best way to deal with those people is to play along with the whole idea in the most exaggerated manner possible. Constantly ask them about what life as a vampire is like; ask when and how they became a vampire. Ask them for help with history homework, and if they reply that they haven't been around that long, ask if they know another vampire who has been.

Of course, there
is
a flourishing vampire (or vampyre—pick your spelling) subculture, and at first glance, it's difficult to tell
the Goths apart from the vampires. (From what the Lady of the Manners understands, while the vampires are interested in and strongly identify with the blood-sucking creatures of legend, they don't actually believe that they are immortal
undead creatures of the night
.) There is some crossover between the Goth and vampire worlds, but members of both communities become very cross if they are stamped with the wrong subcultural label. Most Goths think the vampire types need to get a life and stop playing pretend, while the vampire types tend to think that the Goths need to get over themselves.

However, with that said, walking up to a black-clad, pale, and interesting creature and asking him if he's a vampire is…not as funny as you might think. Even if he was a vampire, why in Dracula's name would he tell you?

Another cliché attributed to Goths is that they're all depressed and/or suicidal, which is absolutely silly; Goths are no more depressed and/or suicidal than anyone else. Wearing a lot of black and searching for beauty in dark or unexpected places doesn't make one depressed; it makes one, in the words of Lydia from the movie
Beetlejuice
, “strange and unusual.” The world isn't always a happy, shiny place, and Goths not only acknowledge that fact but also embrace it in order to defuse it. Over-dramatizing things that worry or frighten you is a way to lampoon them; death happens to everyone (even those who think they're vampires), so why not explore the historical and societal trappings of it by dressing like you've just come from a Victorian séance and are now on your way to a funeral? Goth is sometimes a way for people to say, “No, things aren't okay. But don't feel like you have to pretend they are; you're not alone.” And while the stereotype of locking oneself in one's room to write tortured poetry about one's broken heart will always have a special place in the collective consciousness of Goths
everywhere, very few of them actually adhere to that particular stereotype. (And even if they do, they probably don't show the poetry to anyone, anyway.)

The Lady of the Manners has always been bemused by the seemingly contradictory beliefs that Goths are full of woe and de
spair and while away the hours by indulging in illicit pharmacology and degenerate acts. You don't really think that all Goths are drug fiends, do you? That if someone wears a lot of black and has a preference for eyeliner, she must be filling her every waking hour with unspeakable depravity? The Lady of the Manners hates to shatter your illusions, but that's not really how it is. Goths are no more prone to those sorts of behaviors than anyone else. After all, doesn't every after-school special feature some “normal”-looking blonde suburban teen getting mixed up with drugs? Goths do tend to be a bit more open-minded and accepting about a lot of things, but there's no secret “You're not a
Real Goth
until you've performed these horrible and unnatural acts” checklist automatically mailed out by a
Goth Cabal
once someone purchases hair dye, black eyeliner, and some velvet clothing.

It is true that one of the core philosophies of the Goth subculture is decadence, but decadence does not automatically equal drug-filled orgies. No, Gothic decadence can, and usually does, mean candlelight, sumptuous food, luxurious fabrics, a spirited discussion of books, music, movies, and making mildly snippy
comments about other members of the local Goth community who aren't present at that particular decadent event.

Can I comment on their clothing or makeup and ask if they make their own clothes?

They look so different! Of course you want to ask them about their elaborate makeup, their wildly colored hair, their hats, their very fancy funereal attire. And so you should! But walking up to someone and asking, “So what's with the outfit?” is a tad abrupt, and you don't want to be a pest or annoy the black-clad person who is (presumably) a creature of the night. So what should you keep in mind before you start asking questions?

If you go up to a gothy-type person and compliment him on his lovely costume, you might notice a faint flash of something close to irritation cross his face. It's not that he doesn't appreciate your compliment, it's that “costume” is a loaded word to those of the Goth persuasion. Costume subtly implies that we're pretending to be something we aren't, that our carefully chosen apparel is part of a facade we're hiding behind, and that we're dressed like that to get attention. For the majority of the spooky and shadow-clad, that's simply not true. We're not dressing up as someone or something different; we're expressing our interests and dressing in the way that we prefer. Would you go up to someone wearing a uniform jersey for a sports team and compliment her on her costume? Probably not; you'd just assume she was a sports fan. The same thing holds true for people dressed in elaborate and funereal clothing: they're not in costume and they're not seeking attention. They just have a different sense of aesthetics than you do.

Costume is also problematic because Goths can be very touchy about the ever-proliferating selection of “Goth” costumes that pop up every October. Those Halloween costumes err on the wrong side of cheesy (as just about any pre-packaged Halloween costume does), and the majority of them fall into the “Hi, I'm the Queen of the Bloodsucking Bimbos!” trap. Does this mean you shouldn't dress up in gothy finery on Halloween for fear of offending or upsetting any Goths you know? Oh, don't be silly. The Lady of the Manners has not only helped assorted coworkers dress up in a manner strikingly similar to her everyday wear, but she is gleeful (and a bit touched) that her own mom borrows from the Lady of the Manners's closets every October 31. The main objection most Goths have to “Goth costumes” is that they are very obviously
costumes
: shoddily made, less-than-ideal fabrics, and almost entirely lacking in the elegant whimsy department. While Goth has firm roots in the swampy territories of kitsch and B movie horror, that doesn't mean the sight of someone in badly applied “spooooooky” makeup, ill-fitting panne velvet, and a polyester vampire cloak doesn't make Goths everywhere cringe. We Goths cringe because, at the core of it, we still faintly worry that people are going to look at those dressed in chain-store Halloween costumes and assume they're the real thing and represent the sum total of the Goth subculture, and we're all going to be dismissed as crazy people who need to go outside and get a life. Which is far from the truth, as you know, since you've read this far.