Gothic Charm School (22 page)

The Lady of the Manners can hear the question now, “But what about the people who are gothy on the inside, but don't look Goth?” Unfortunately, this is another source of the belief that Goths are
snobs who assume that anyone who doesn't look like a Goth won't be sympathetic to the Goth mindset. Again, this defense mechanism stems from Goths' uncertainty about how strangers will treat them. But the Lady of the Manners is sad to say that she has heard that some Goths just can't be bothered to speak to anyone who they don't like. Which is ridiculous, in the Lady of the Manners's opinion, because Goths are quite willing to complain about how people unfairly judge
them
because they don't look like everyone else.

The Lady of the Manners would like to point out to her fellow Goths that limiting contact to other black-clad eccentric types seems like a clever way to surround oneself with like-minded individuals, but it's no guarantee. Though “variety is the spice of life” is indeed an oft-repeated cliché, it's also true. There's a big interesting world out there; excluding parts of it just because they don't fit your personal aesthetic preferences seems rather silly and limiting.

Subcultural crossovers and the blurring of boundaries

Subcultural crossovers? Whatever could the Lady of the Manners mean by that? Snarklings, haven't you noticed the cross-pollination between the Goth and Fetish subcultures? This is fine and dandy because the two subcultures share mutual points of interest: interesting or exotic clothes, some types of music, being regarded by outsiders as a trifle odd if and when you talk about your hobbies, and so on. But even with those things in common, there are still some issues that require sensitivity and tact from both camps. Luckily for all of you, the Lady of the Manners has come up with some guidelines for just those sorts of situations:

•   Don't automatically assume a person belongs to the same subculture as you do. Just because someone wears PVC, leather, or a corset does not mean he or she is kinky. A person who attends an event billed as a “fetish night” might be there merely for the music (or because it is a nonsmoking venue, or because a friend brought her along). If you want to involve someone in…extracurricular activities,
  ask first
  . If the person says, “No, thank you,” smile and let it go. Gothy types also need to remember that black clothes are not exclusive to their own dark 'n' gloomy lifestyle. Not all people wearing black PVC trousers are Goths, but they're not all poseurs either.
  
•   Pay attention to the theme of events you attend. If you frequent the weekly “fetish night” at the local Goth club, don't complain about the half-naked people wandering around or the floggings. That's what “fetish night” means, you sillies. If you don't want to see that sort of thing, then you what sort of events you should avoid, don't you?
  
•   Contrariwise, the kinky folk in the Goth scene must also pay attention to what is going on at local clubs. If an event isn't a designated “play” night, then keep your private entertainment just that—private. If the mood strikes you and you feel the need for your particular type of release, leave the club and go somewhere more accommodating (and that doesn't mean the club restrooms). Yes, Goths are (supposedly) open-minded, but you shouldn't push your luck. Besides, you never can tell who might be at the club that night, and it would be a horrible thing if your personal activities led to some sort of legal unpleasantness. Appropriate behavior in appropriate places—that's the thing to remember.
  
•   It is the height of rudeness to take up part of the dance floor
  with a spanking or other fetish/kink scene. The dance floor is for just that—dancing. If you are at the sort of place that welcomes the fetish community, then it's likely there are specific places for fetish/kink play to take place. Goths tend to take up a lot of room dancing as it is, what with the flailing and the spinning and the outstretched arms and whatnot; don't encroach on their space any more than they already do with each other.
  
•   It is also rude to hang around gawking at people who are in the middle of a fetish scene. They aren't doing those things for your entertainment. (Usually. Some clubs do have special “fetish performances,” but it will be fairly obvious when a scene calls for spectators.) A discreet glance now and then is fine, but don't stare. And especially don't offer commentary or advice—if the people involved want outside participation, they will ask for it.
  
•   Tolerance, tolerance, tolerance. Don't ask prying questions in a snotty tone of voice, don't say things like, “You're at a fetish club—why are you wearing so much clothing?” and certainly don't point at what you see and make scandalized exclamations. (Who would attend a fetish event and do something like that? People who are okay with the idea of the fetish scene in general but may not be ready for the real-life sight of a middle-aged man wearing nothing but clear plastic.) No matter how shocked you are by what you see, you must keep your composure. If you're really freaked out, leave. The Lady of the Manners does not mean that in a chastising manner either. Sometimes you can't tell if you're really, truly going to be okay with these sorts of things until you see them, and there is no shame in deciding you don't want to be around them. Shame comes in if you decide to start haranguing everyone around you to get them to stop what they're doing. Remember that old saying,
  “
  If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all”? It holds true here. Just go home and do your scandalized exclaiming in private—that way you won't upset anyone and you can entertain your nearest and dearest with extended rants.
  

The flip side of this is that no one should feel pressured to “join in.” Just because someone is a Goth doesn't mean he or she is part of the fetish scene or has to join it. This holds true for a lot of behaviors sometimes associated with the Goth scene that are not universal. “Goth” does not always mean “polyamorous,” “bisexual,” “into blood-drinking,” “promiscuous,” “plays role-playing games,” or “really thinks he's/she's a vampire.” Assuming that any of those things are true about people (even if they are black-clad weirdoes) is a bad move and will probably start an argument. When meeting someone for the first time, a pleasant way to start a conversation is to ask what they're interested in, so you have no call for making assumptions in the first place.

The Internet is not Real Life (with an aside about the Great Flounce-Off)