Gothic Charm School (20 page)

Why being polite to people you don't like is important

A huge part of the Lady of the Manners's philosophy of life can be summed up in one simple sentence: You should strive to be polite to people, even if you don't like them.

Now the Lady of the Manners is sure there are swarms of you out there thinking, “Why? If I don't like someone, surely I'm allowed to snipe at her, make hurtful comments, and generally be cruel. Especially if she says or does things that I
disagree with or think are stupid.”

You aren't allowed to do that. Well, it isn't a case of “allowed” so much as “you shouldn't.” The idea works something like this: if you can manage to be polite to people you think are blithering idiots, then being polite and charming to people you
do
like will be even easier.

You see, there are people in the “local scene” where the Lady of the Manners lives whom she would rather not talk to. In fact, if they suddenly moved away to an entirely different planet, the Lady of the Manners would probably dance happily about her living room. But when social situations conspire to throw the Lady of the Manners into contact with those people, does she tell them how annoying she finds them? Does she insult their beliefs, clothes, dancing styles? No, she does not. Mind you, the Lady of the Manners doesn't have a long involved conversation or spend a lot of time with them, but she tries very hard to not roll her eyes at them either. Remember, the Lady of the Manners is asking you to be
polite
to people you don't like, not to change your distaste for them. There is a wide difference between the two, and the Lady of the Manners suspects that not all of you are clear on it.

Being polite to people you dislike or don't get along with means that when you interact with them (be it in real life or online), you don't immediately snipe at something they say or do just because
they
are saying or doing it. For example, the Lady of the Manners has seen far too many instances of someone flaming or mocking another person for a comment and then turning around and agreeing with the very same comment from a different person.
Sometimes people you dislike have good ideas or less-than-obnoxious behaviors or generally redeemable qualities. You're just going to have to accept that, but it doesn't mean you have to be their best friend ever.

Being polite to people you dislike also means that when you have to interact with them, you don't “lead” the conversation to a topic you know will end with both of you shrieking at each other. The other person holds opinions that you know are wrong, wrong, wrong? That's nice, dear, but you still don't get to argue with your foe. It probably won't make you feel any better to know this person most assuredly feels the same way about you, will it?

Victorian Goth

Now, the more alert of you will realize that not visiting topics of contention will lead to a whole lot of conversations about nothing, about the weather or other such boring things. Yes, you're right. The point here is that you probably shouldn't spend hours and hours talking to people you despise anyway, so make the conversations short and inoffensive, if that is at all possible.

Of course, sometimes it isn't possible. There will be times when you are forced to be with people you can't stand because you have mutual friends. This is where you
must
be polite. The Lady of the Manners can't stress this enough. What if the mutual friend has no idea that you would rather claw your own eyes out than spend time with so-and-so? A social gathering is not the time to demonstrate this by being beastly and unbearable, no matter how entertaining you personally may find it. For one thing, you don't want to make your friend uncomfortable; while you may think you're
doing your friend a favor by demonstrating that the despised person is a complete twit, your friend will probably get mad at you for not playing nice with this guest. Do not make a scene, do not make snide comments, do not roll your eyes, and do not start an argument. Look at it this way—there is always a chance that the person you dislike didn't read this chapter and will be horrible and rude to you. That means, if you've managed to behave yourself, that you will come off looking like the better person. Ahhh, the moral high ground; it's a lovely place, isn't it?

Deathrocker

However, Snarklings, at some point you will have to tell your friend that you don't share the same enthusiasm for the person you dislike. At which point your friend will probably ask for reasons why, leading into new treacherous territory. How much you confess is up to you, but do not mistake your friend's questions for a free pass to rattle off a list of everything you dislike about your foe. While the Lady of the Manners would like to think that a simple statement like, “I would just rather not spend time with———,” would be sufficient, she's pretty sure that you'll have to provide some explanation. You may discover that your friend wasn't aware of your feelings, and while he or she doesn't share them, your friend will offer to help you avoid awkward conversations.

Of course, you can always ask another mutual friend to act as a “buffer” between you and the despised person. Choose someone who will keep an eye out for run-ins and will rush over to provide silent (or not-so-silent) emotional support or give you a good excuse to politely and gracefully leave the conversation. However, having someone be your buffer can sometimes backfire if you become too
reliant on the support. What if your buffer can't attend every social event you do? What if your buffer becomes annoyed or exasperated with you and decides to deliberately start awkward or inflammatory conversations involving you and the person you don't get along with? Not to mention that needing another person to be your support system when dealing with those you don't like strikes the Lady of the Manners as a trifle immature and insecure.

Really, the Lady of the Manners is completely serious about this. Some of her dearest friends socialize and spend time with other people that the Lady of the Manners cannot stand. But, those other people are important to the Lady of the Manners's friends, so she tries to tolerate them.

Perkygoth

Oh yes, what is that you're saying? The Lady of the Manners isn't being honest about her feelings and opinions? Twaddle. Social conventions do not exist to help us be honest about our feelings. Social conventions exist to ensure civilized behavior so that people don't go trying to strangle each other over coffee. Once the person(s) you don't like has left the area, and if you
must
say something before your head explodes, hold whispered conversations with close friends about how much you don't like that so-and-so, how his views are suspect, how he has stupid shoes. Fine. Just don't give vent to those feelings publicly or start spreading gossip or other untruths about the person you don't like. And for heaven's sake, do
not
cause a scene. The Lady of the Manners doesn't have to tell you it's ridiculous to whisper behind your hand to your friends and then stop to stare at the poor creature you find objection
able, does she? Good, she was worried she might have to go into a long and drawn-out explanation.

Why being circumspect about gossip and catty commentary is even
more
important

As much as it pains her to admit it, the Lady of the Manners has long since accepted the fact that Goth communities around the world run on gossip. Well, all of human social interaction runs on gossip, but the Lady of the Manners can only speak to how it works in her chosen subculture. Gossip, in its most basic incarnation, is merely news about people: who has a new job, who needs roommates, what happened at the party or club the other weekend. With the rise of online social networking sites and blogs, it's easy to stay in touch with friends across the world and feel like you are part of their lives. Of course, those same tools make it even easier for misinformation and rumors to spread like wildfire. If you think trying to set the story straight about what
really
happened last weekend is difficult amongst a group of people living in the same city, just try to explain what happened to people who weren't there and whose only knowledge may come from cryptic blog entries and possibly altered photos. There's no way to stop gossip either. And being extremely private and circumspect about everything you do will merely reduce the whispers and speculation and might even drive people to make up wild fictional rumors about you.

Rivethead

So if there's no way to keep people from gossiping, why is the
Lady of the Manners suggesting that you try to avoid it? Because gossip can be hurtful and damaging to people, Snarklings. So when you're about to pass on the latest juicy rumor about someone, stop yourself and think about whether it's something that really needs to be repeated. The Lady of the Manners understands all too well the temptation of gossip, speculation, and catty commentary, especially when it comes to people you aren't terribly fond of and would like to see taken down a peg or two. But the Lady of the Manners also understands that finding out what…interesting…things people are saying about you is frequently an exercise in shocked mortification. Which is why she firmly believes that if you're going to gossip, you should indulge in it with as few people as possible and make it very clear which tidbits should not be repeated.