Good Enough to Share (Good Enough, Book 1 - Christmas) (13 page)

“It was a girl.”
He pulls me tighter against him and murmurs into my hair. “It was you.
Sometimes I just had to get away from you because I knew if I didn’t I’d fuck
you and I didn’t want to wreck things.”

“Oh.” I can feel the silly smile on my face. “Night, Charlie.” His
breathing is already deeper as we lay spooned together, his arm wrapped round
me protectively. The big brother I never had. And I let myself breathe in time
with him, and I dream about horses, and Dane, and dogs, and babies.

***

Life went a bit
more back to normal after all the fun of Boxing Day, which was a bit of a
relief. Dane had done a disappearing act, and although I grabbed my mobile
phone every time it sprung into life (and sometimes when I’d just imagined it)
it was probably good that it wasn’t him. After all I’d promised myself, and
Sophie, that I wasn’t about to jump into another relationship and I had a
horrible feeling that I was getting too involved with the hunk of man who was
my farrier.

I wasn’t even
having the same dreams about him anymore. The passionate sex scenes that had
filled my sleeping head in the past had been replaced by images of him staring
into my head and it felt a bit like he was staring into my heart as well. He’d
be begging me to let him close, asking why I wouldn’t let him touch me and I’d
be telling him he didn’t understand, that if he touched me he’d ruin it all.
And every dream seemed to end with him ignoring what I said, touching me and
then he’d shatter into a million little pieces and I’d wake up in a sweat
screaming that I’d told him so.

Charlie just
pottered around in his normal way, and I knew he had Anna on his mind from the
way he stared out of the window, and forgot to put the coffee in his cup before
the water. And we didn’t share a bed, just silent thoughts.

A couple of days
later Sophie kicked us out of our musings.

“We’re all invited
to Dane’s tonight.” She’d arrived unannounced, grabbed herself a coffee and
settled herself on her favorite chair.

“Are you sure? All
of us?” What I really meant was, does he want to see me?

“Yes, we’re all
going, we always do.” Well she might have, but I hadn’t. It looked like I was
always going to feel like the new girl on the block.

“You have told
him?”

She gave me a
look. “I didn’t have to tell him, he brought it up to check we were all going.
So what have you two been up to?” We hadn’t seen Sophie for a few days, she had
been at her sister’s rescuing hamsters and the like. She was always a reluctant
visitor there, but I think secretly she quite liked being the big capable
Auntie. She also seemed to have forgiven Charlie, or at least decided to ignore
the situation.

“Not a lot.” I try
to keep my voice casual. “Have you seen Dane then?” I hadn’t meant to ask, show
an interest, but it just tumbled out. Words have a habit of doing that with me.

“Not really, I
just had a quick word. What happened between you two?” She’d taken the opening
and jumped in feet first. I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.

“Nothing.”

“Holly! You’ve
done something, I know something has happened.”

“No, you don’t.
You just think something has happened, you just have a brilliant imagination.”
She was good at filling in the gaps, but she was normally pretty close to the
truth. Thing is, I don’t know what had happened between me and Dane, and I
wasn’t brave enough to try and work it out. I still didn’t know why he left so
abruptly.

“He does like you,
a lot.”

“So you said.”

“But he does.”

“It’s a bit of fun
Soph, like you said it should be.”

“I think he’s
jealous.”

“Dane isn’t the
type to get jealous.” She was being daft now. The man didn’t have a green
streak in him..

“No, I didn’t
think so either.” Her voice was soft, for Sophie, as though she was thinking.
“But he is.” She was warming to the subject.

“Don’t be daft,
what’s he got to be jealous of?”

“You. You and
Charlie. You’re always so frigging cosy you pair, as though you know a secret
and you’re not sharing.”

“No, we’re not.”
This was getting more than stupid now. Out of hand. “We’re just close because
we live together.” If Dane was jealous why the hell would he have engineered
Charlie’s diversion the other night, and then left the two of us alone? I
nearly said it, but I stopped myself just in time. Some things are better left
unsaid.

Sophie gave a
little harrumph and stared at me. “You’re going red.”

“Only because
you’re staring at me.”

“I know I told you
to have a bit of fun with Dane and not get too serious, but that was because I
didn’t think he could get serious again.”

“Fine, so that’s
that then.”

“But he has got
serious. Don’t hurt him Holly by messing around with Charlie.”

“Sophie, stop.
First you tell me to just have fun, then you tell me not to hurt Charlie, and
now you’re telling me not to lead Dane on. You can’t run everybody’s lives you
know. Why not just concentrate on your own?” I wanted to grab the last bit back
the moment I said it. But I couldn’t.

“My life is fine.”
Her voice was all tight. “I’m not running your life, is that what you think
that I’m interfering?”

“No, Sophie. It
came out wrong, I didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine for you
isn’t it? You waltz in and they’re all running round after you and you just
have a shag here and a shag there.”

“Sophie, it’s not
like that.” It wasn’t like that. “You set up the whole me and Dane thing.”

“Yes, but I didn’t
think—” She stopped herself short.

“What didn’t you
think? That it would get serious?”

“I wanted you to
get serious, I didn’t want you to be fucking around with Charlie as well.” The
words came out in a rush and then she stopped and we both stared at each other.

“You wanted us to
get serious?” She looked down at her hands, avoiding me, started twiddling.
“But you know I don’t want to get involved—” She knew I didn’t want anyone,
knew I never wanted to go through the same thing I’d had with James. I didn’t
want to fall for anyone, I didn’t want to be left again. And she’d tried to fix
me up with Dane.

“You can’t do that,
Sophie, you can’t fix my life for me.” She couldn’t, no-one could. I had to
learn to do that for myself. “And there isn’t a me and Charlie.”

“Does he know
that?” She still wasn’t looking at me. I waited until she was.

“He knows that
Sophie. He still loves Anna and no-one can change that but him.”

“Oh.” She picked
up her bag. “I’ll see you at Dane’s at seven shall I?”

“Sure. Why are we
going?”

“To sort out the
New Year’s Eve party of course.” She wasn’t happy, at all.

“Don’t go Soph,
stay have a chat?” She just shook her head and I had a horrible feeling that my
accusation of her interfering would stick in her head for a long time. “I love
you, Soph and I know you’ve done so much for me, and for Charlie and Dane.”

She shrugged.
“Yeah, well. Maybe I do need to fix me.”

I didn’t know much
about Sophie at all, and it had never really occurred to me. She was like a
mother hen, looking after everyone, sorting problems out. She had found me a
place with Charlie, she’d found me a job, and she’d set me up with Dane. She
was bubbly, bouncy Soph and I hadn’t a clue about the problems I was sure she
was hiding from me so successfully.

And maybe she was
right, maybe I was mucking around with Dane. I’d moved closer to Charlie to
protect myself from Dane, because I knew there would never be a ‘me and
Charlie’. He was safe. And I knew that I’d been trying to do what Sophie had
told me to, have fun, prove I didn’t need James any more. But I missed Dane, he
sparked something inside me, made me want to do stuff I’d never done before,
stuff I hadn’t been brave enough to even think about. But I still wasn’t brave
enough to take another step. And who said he wanted me to?

“I don’t think you
should. Going backwards is a mistake, it never works, all those things that
were wrong come back and it’s ten times worse.” I wonder what and who the hell
Sophie is talking about, because it can’t just be Anna and Charlie. She’s
twisting her jumper between her thumb and finger so fast that she’ll have a
hole if she carries on.

“There wasn’t anything
wrong though.” It’s obvious that Charlie has made his mind up, he’s got a kind
of quite measured confidence about him, a hint of Dane.

“Well why…?”

“We only split
because of the baby, there was never anything else wrong.” He put a hand on top
of hers and stilled her fingers. “I still love her, Soph and if I don’t do this
I’ll never forgive myself.” He glanced my way then and I couldn’t stop the
small smile. Laid-back, easygoing Charlie suddenly had a purpose and I loved
him for it.

“What if she’s lying?”

“Then I’ll find
out.” He didn’t seem put out by Sophie’s challenges.

“What the fuck’s
wrong with going back anyway?” It was the first time Dane had spoken since I’d
arrived at his place for the fun, yeah it looked like it was going to be a
laugh a minute the way it was going. He had, I think, grunted a kind of
greeting, or had it just been a nod? Then he’d settled back into his chair and
gone back to overseeing the Charlie and Sophie debate. It looked like I’d come
at the wrong time, and I wasn’t sure I wanted to be drawn into a dispute about
the rights and wrongs in a relationship, because I was crap at them. Apparently
I’d fucked mine up because I hadn’t been loving enough, open enough or had
enough willing orifices. James was more than a one man job. And Dane didn’t
appear to be talking to me, and Charlie was, well Charlie was missing Anna from
the looks of things.

Sophie scowled at
Dane. “Making mistakes is one thing, going back and doing it again is just
stupid.”

“But maybe he
didn’t make a mistake?” Dane seemed to be stirring Soph up from what I could
see.

“Well even if it
wasn’t a mistake, you just move on don’t you? You don’t mope over it and try to
change things back.”

“Do you? Do you
just move on, Soph?”

I want them to
stop, I really do. I hate all this stirring up of emotions. Talking through
problems isn’t my way, I’d rather work stuff out on my own. “Look can’t we just
drop this? It’s up to Charlie what….” They don’t look at me, or stop, they’re
too busy locking horns. Dane all laid-back and smooth voiced, Sophie all
agitated and losing control. I just have a horrible feeling that the pair of
them are prodding at something that is better left alone, that everything is
starting to disintegrate and if they carry on nothing will ever be quite the
same again.

“Yes, you do
Dane.” The way she says Dane makes me wince.

“So that’s worked
for you, has it? Just pretending that nothing happened and you can just move
on?” Sophie is all flushed and I wonder what he’s talking about. Is this about
him and Soph? Something I know nothing about, or should I say something else I
know nothing about.

“Oh, you’re a fine
one to talk, aren’t you? What the hell did you do with Sal? I don’t remember
you manning up and trying to sort things, you just walked out and never looked
back.”

“You don’t know
what you’re talking about.” His voice was still soft, and he hadn’t moved, but
everything about him seemed to have tightened a bit. From his eyes, his jaw bone,
right down to his hands.

“And nor do you.”

“Maybe not.” He
gave a tiny shrug of his shoulders. “But I don’t think you’re in a position to
be telling Charlie what to do after what you—” He stopped short as though he’d realized
he was close to saying something he shouldn’t, and I was glad. I wished they’d
just shut up now, but Sophie couldn’t.

“I didn’t—” She
was still glaring at him but there was a telltale shimmer to her eyes that
scared me. Sophie didn’t cry, Sophie was the one who knew everything, who
solved everybody else’s problems. “She was bloody pregnant and she never told
him.”

“So what? What the
fuck is it about you women and bloody babies? Oh, for Christ’s sakes I’m going
to get another drink.” He stood up and his chair screeched against the wooden
floor as it was forced back.

I looked at
Charlie and he looked as shellshocked as I felt. He lifted his eyebrows and
gave me a ‘I haven’t got a clue’ kind of look.

“I just need to…”
Sophie’s voice had a tremble in it as she got up and headed in the opposite
direction to Dane and something told me that she needed space, time.

“Go and find out
what rattled his cage, go on.”

“What about Soph?”
It was wrong to go and talk to Dane when he’d upset Soph, but there again
they’d both been doing the upsetting. I flinched at the sound of Dane crashing
about in his tiny kitchen.

“Sophie needs some
thinking time.” Charlie grimaced. “But Dane needs someone to stop him trashing
his house.” He grinned as I stood up reluctantly.