Going Long (10 page)

I just turned and ran. I had
made it only a few blocks away from the scene of my horrible slip when I felt
my stomach churn and I bent forward to vomit in the gutter. People were walking
around me, avoiding me, somehow completely unfazed by my throwing up, which I
did four more times before I made it back to my dorm.

I had pulled my shoes from my
feet and was walking along the sidewalk barefoot. The front desk girl gave me a
disapproving look as I buzzed into the door and walked by her. I must have
smelled like a hooker. I felt like one. I caught my reflection in the elevator
on the ride up, my make-up smeared and my hair tangled in all directions.

I headed straight for the
bathroom when I got into my room, stripping my clothes into a pile and crawling
on my hands and knees to the shower floor, where I hugged my legs in close to
me and wept. I rocked back and forth, willing my nausea to subside. The hot
water turned my skin bright pink, and my hands were turning into raisins by the
time I shut the water off and pulled the towel from the bar to join me on the
floor.

By the time I awoke, the sun was
shining through the bottoms of my curtains. I had slept the entire night, naked
on the dirty tiles of my bathroom floor. My world was spinning as I
straightened myself, sitting on my knees, not quite ready to fully stand. I
grabbed the bathroom door for support and got to my feet and made my way to my
bed where I had thrown my purse last night.

Last night.

I wasn’t so drunk that I didn’t
remember. I remembered everything.
What had I done?

I reached into my purse and
pulled out my phone to find a text from Reed. I swallowed hard, almost afraid
to read it. As if somehow he already knew how I’d betrayed him.

Miss you baby. See you at 4.
XXOO

I had four hours to get my shit
together. And the secrets were just piling up.

Reed

When my pops told me that Jason
would be staying at the house through the holidays, I thought long and hard
about cancelling Thanksgiving and Christmas—just kidnapping Nolan and
taking off for Hawaii for the month.

He said that Jason was looking
for his own place down in Tucson. He was moving back to Arizona permanently,
taking on a bigger role with the dealerships and the company. But he wouldn’t
be able to move into anything until January at the earliest. I hated that he
was there. Coming home was my center, my time to let my mind stop spinning.
Everything important was in that house and town…and when Jason was there, well,
he just had a way of shitting on things.

The holidays were still more
than a month away, though, so I’d face life with Jason when I had to. I was
looking forward to my trip with Noles for my birthday. She said it was a
surprise, but I was pretty sure she was taking me camping. She wasn’t very good
at keeping secrets, and I’d seen our camping gear in her trunk the few times
we’d taken her car out.

More than getting away, I was
anxious to be alone with her. Things had been off lately. I was pretty sure the
crap with Dylan and my brother was part of the problem, but we were just plain
out of sync, too. If I didn’t know how much she loved me, I would have thought
she was trying to gain the courage to dump my ass—the way she flinched
when I touched her, and cut our kisses short, pulling her lips tight. I had
talked to Trig and his girlfriend Amy about it a few times, and they told me it
was probably just the long distance thing. Of course, Trig was always filling
my head with shit about how long distance relationships never worked, so he
wasn’t very convincing at lifting my spirits.

I was looking forward to our
usual Thursday afternoon more than normal. The Sunday after the Colorado game
had been especially weird. I drove up to ASU to take Nolan out for dinner and
had planned to spend the night, but she said she was tired. She was off in
space through most of our dinner conversation, said she was just super stressed
about her big psychology project. When I pressed her on it, she got defensive,
told me I wasn’t helping things with the draft pressure I’d thrown at her.

I was hoping I could ease a
little of her stress today. After a few long calls with Dylan, we pretty much
narrowed down my most likely options in the draft to San Diego or Seattle. And
with Sean’s help, I was able to pull together some pretty good research on
transferring from ASU’s special education program to San Diego State’s. I was
pretty sure most of Nolan’s scholarships would transfer, too; not that it
mattered. Whether she liked it or not, I was going to pay the rest of her
tuition once I got signed.

Amy offered to help me with
researching Washington and Oregon schools next. Anything I could do to show
Nolan how easy this next move was going to be had to take away some of her
fears.

When I pulled into her parking
lot, it was a little later than my usual visit. I knew she was probably already
up in her room, so I sent her a text and told her I was running late and would
just meet her upstairs.

I stole a candy from the dish at
her front desk, mostly because it was funny how the freshman girls that worked
the afternoon shifts acted when I did. Today, I winked at them when I passed
by, which sent them into whispers and giggles. “Funny, if my life had gone the
way of Jason’s, I’d have slept with every single one of them by now,” I
thought.    

I skipped the elevators and took
the stairs to save time. With 15 floors in her building, it took forever for
the elevators to make their way back to the lobby floor. I heard a couple
arguing when I was coming closer to Nolan’s floor and thought about stepping
out a level early to give them some privacy when I realized it was Nolan’s
voice I was hearing. I slowed a bit then, trying to get a handle on what she
was saying…and who the dude was on the other side of the conversation.

“I’m not angry. But please, you
need to drop this,” I heard Nolan say in a half-whisper, her voice full of
frustration.

“Nolan, I just don’t think
you’re being fair to yourself, that’s all I’m saying…” I wasn’t sure on this
one, so I stood still for another minute, just waiting him out.

“Gavin, you don’t know anything
about me,” I heard her sigh now.

Gavin. Fucking asshole.

“I don’t drink often, and I
think we can both see why now. The other night was just a HUGE mistake at the
end of a really shitty week. That’s it.”

My blood was boiling now, and I
was pretty sure I was going to punch Gavin in the face in about seven seconds.
But I wasn’t fast enough and heard him speak one more time.

“Well, it wasn’t a mistake on my
part. I made the decision to do everything I did that night. And I’d make the
same choice again, right here, right now.”

His words trapped
me—ground me to a fucking halt. I heard Nolan sigh once more, followed by
the sound of the door opening and slamming shut. I watched Gavin’s feet climb
the stairs above me to his floor, and I stood there frozen in fury. “What did
that asshole do to my girl?”

I hung out in the stairwell for
about 15 minutes, just trying to sort through the conversation I’d heard. I
didn’t know what to do next. Part of me wanted to barrel into Gavin’s room and
hold him up against the wall until he broke, but the other part of me knew I
only had half the story. And that part was making me sick.

Finally able to get my legs to
work, and tired of the strange looks from freshmen passing in and out of the
stairwell, I climbed the rest of the way to Nolan’s floor. I took a deep breath
when I swung the hall door open, unsure of what I was walking into. Her floor
was clear, no one around. I drug my feet to her door at the end and stood in
front of it for a few seconds, not sure what words would,
or should
,
come out of my mouth when I saw her.

Leaning my forehead on the door,
I rapped on it lightly a few times, almost like I was hoping she wouldn’t hear
it and wouldn’t answer. I straightened up when I heard the bolt click for her
to let me in. She flung the door open and turned back around to walk back to
her closet, smiling at me briefly over her shoulder.

“Hey, was just changing. Thought
maybe we could go out, grab a bite? Mind waiting just a few while I get ready?”
She spoke calmly, as if the conversation I had heard minutes ago never
happened. I had no idea how to play this, so I thought I’d just see what turned
up.

“Sure, sounds good. Take your
time,” I said, walking over to sit on the edge of her bed. My suspicion had me
looking at everything differently. I lifted the corner of her comforter from
her bed, touching it to see if I felt anything different. I lifted her jacket
to my nose, smelling it for…for someone else. I touched her pillows and then
stood to slip open her top drawer, curious and now full of paranoia. I saw her
figure pass from the open closet door to the bathroom, and I started some, like
I’d been caught.

“Just one more sec, I promise,”
she giggled.

All I could think was, “What the
hell was going on?” I felt like I’d landed in a
Twilight Zone
.

I was full on pacing now in the
center of her room, my mind debating with itself over whether or not I should
confront her about what I’d heard. I tossed my hat on her desk to dig my
fingers into my hair, my stomach fluttering more now—not with
butterflies, though. She was just stepping out of her closet door, dressed
cute-as-hell in a black shirtdress and tall boots, almost making my worries
dissolve, when we both turned to face her door. The light tapping was
accompanied by a voice.
His fucking voice.

“Nolan, it’s me. Open up,
please? I feel bad…I…I didn’t want to make you upset,” Gavin said, clearly
upset himself, though not as upset as he was about to be when I was the one to
open the door for him.

I turned to Nolan and got the
confirmation I needed when she just stared at the door, eyes wide, face
ghost-white and mouth slightly open. She turned to look at me, and in that
brief instant I just held up my hand. “Don’t,” I said, a little short, then put
my hand over my mouth and rubbed my chin a little to force myself not to say
anything I’d regret. “I’ll get this.”

When I opened the door, Gavin
just stood there—he was still and stared right back at me. He pushed his
lips together in a tight, knowing smile and then nodded a few times, looking
down at his feet. “Reed…how’s it goin?” he said, reaching his hand out to shake
mine. I stared at it for a few seconds and then just chuckled and walked into
the room, turning my back on him.

“Well, I don’t know, Gavin. You
tell me. How’s it going?” I said, the asshole version of myself coming out to
play now. I leaned into Nolan’s desk and took Gavin in as he walked into
Nolan’s room, his hands buried in his pockets. Nolan was sitting down now, at
the edge of her bed, her arms folded tightly across her body, her eyes still
wide…
and glossy?

“Did you tell him?” Gavin said
softly, nodding in Nolan’s direction.

“Tell me what, Gavin?” I
interrupted. I didn’t like the way he was making Nolan feel, and more
importantly, I didn’t like him.

He just sighed heavily and looked
down at his feet, and he flexed them a bit and stepped side-to-side, thinking.
He tilted his face back up to make eye contact with me, sucking in a long
breath before he spoke. “I kissed her,” he said, shrugging his shoulders and
smiling on one side of his mouth, as if it was all some fucking innocent game.

That’s all it took.

Within a half second, my fist
was making contact with Gavin’s bony fucking face. I hadn’t punched anyone in a
long time, and it stung like hell. But the rush it sent through my blood was
enough to ignite a whole new wave of rage. While Gavin was busy stumbling
backward and holding his nose, I flew at him and pushed him hard into Nolan’s
wall. I grabbed fistfuls of his collar and jerked him violently into the wall a
few times before getting in his face.

“You piece of shit, you keep
your hands off my girl! You hear me?” I spoke through gritted teeth. I was
getting ready to shove him once again, when I heard Nolan’s voice break through
the noise in my head.

“Reed, stop! Stop! Don’t, you’re
hurting him!” she said as she grabbed my sleeve and yanked one of my arms from
Gavin’s. With her distraction, Gavin was able to shove me back and force me a
little off balance. He didn’t swing at me; he just forced some distance.

I was breathing heavily, and
Gavin was wiping his nose along his long sleeves, a small stream of blood
coming from it now. He leaned back against the opposite wall and turned to look
at Nolan, who was standing between us now, her back to me. He was shaking his
head, and the face he was making was too damned familiar. I don’t know when the
words formed in my head, or if they even did, but as soon as they left my mouth
I knew they were going to ruin me.

“Did you…did you kiss him back?”
I asked, my voice cracking a little now. Nolan just kept her back to me for a
few seconds, and I saw what was happening reflected in the shame on Gavin’s
face. “Nolan?”

Her shoulders started shaking,
and she brought her hands up to cover her mouth. She turned to face me so
slowly it killed me. By the time we were eye-to-eye, her face was wet, and her
eyes were red with guilt. I slid off balance a little, bracing myself on the
edge of her desk, my fingers digging into the wood. I wouldn’t let her gaze go.
I just kept it. Taking in a deep breath, I asked her one more time. “Nolan, did
you kiss him back?” I asked.

Even though I already knew, when
she nodded
yes,
and closed her eyes, it was like someone had stabbed me
in the heart. My entire life just whirled by me at once. My dad, my future, my
grandmother’s goddamn ring…everything was fucking ruined! Unable to take being
in this room another second, I pushed from the desk and stormed out her door,
throwing it closed behind me with such force that it bounded back open and the
sound reverberated down the hall.

I got to the stairwell and flung
that door open, too, and was sliding down the stairs several at a time; my feet
couldn’t get me from this fucking building fast enough. Then I heard her
voice—her pathetic-sounding pleas. And it all just broke me again.

“Reed! Please, don’t leave. You
have to understand, you have to let me explain!” she was chasing me down the
stairs, and I knew she was going to fall if she kept up that speed. I just
stopped when I was one floor away from my freedom and turned to wait for her.
When she saw me, she stopped at the top of the steps, again putting a hand over
her mouth while she cried and shook.

“Nolan, when I said
never…
I
fucking meant it,” I said, solemnly while I shook my head and looked down at
the steps between us. “What…what the hell happened?”

She looked up and took in a deep
breath, wrapping her arms around her stomach again like she was forcing herself
not to be sick. When she looked back down at me, she just shrugged. “I don’t
really know. It just sort of happened…” she was soft, full of shame.