Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed. (27 page)
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Authors: Ph.D Harville Hendrix
BOOK: Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed.
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Grace believes that Kenneth’s increased acceptance of her has been the determining factor in her own acceptance of herself. “I think the fact that Kenneth accepts my energy and determination and my anger helps me accept what I call ‘my mother’ in me, the part of me that is like my mother, which I have always tried to deny. Because he likes who I am, I don’t have to wage that battle anymore. I don’t have to deny who I am.”
For Kenneth, the biggest improvement in their relationship has been an increased sense of caring and safety. “We’re friends now,” he said. “Not antagonists. The key is that I feel safe. She’s on my side, committed to my well-being. She is valuing me. Liking me. And I’m committed to liking her. Supporting her and affirming her. It just feels a lot different. The struggle with my mother is over. A woman is on my side, and it happens to be Grace. I can relax with her and feel safe with her.” Grace
echoed this last sentiment. “That’s important to me, too. I can relax and feel safe with Kenneth.” For both of them, the primitive need of the old brain to be in a safe, secure, and nurturing environment has finally been met.
echoed this last sentiment. “That’s important to me, too. I can relax and feel safe with Kenneth.” For both of them, the primitive need of the old brain to be in a safe, secure, and nurturing environment has finally been met.
Kenneth and Grace attended two more couples workshops. During these, they noticed that I described the conscious partnership as a journey, not a destination, explaining that even in the best love relationships there would always be struggle and the need to adapt and change. To some degree, their experience confirms this observation. “We still have problems,” says Grace. “For example, Ken wants me to be more cautious in the things I tell him. To rehearse what I’m going to say, so that I don’t risk hurting his feelings. But that’s difficult for me to do. I’m an impulsive person. It would feel very strange to filter all my thoughts before I revealed them. And I want the opposite of him. I want him to be more spontaneous, less calculated. But that feels risky for him.” They both express ambivalence about the challenge to keep growing. “Perhaps it has something to do with our age,” says Kenneth. “Part of me wants life not to be a struggle anymore. Grace and I have arrived at a place that feels very comfortable. It’s not that we’ve stopped growing and changing altogether, but this just feels like a nice place to be.” In a way, they were questioning my description of reality love as a journey without end. It may be an endless journey, they are telling me, but it is a journey that becomes more and more effortless as time goes on.
THESE TWO RELATIONSHIPS offer an excellent description of what I call “the conscious partnership.” Anne and Greg, along with Kenneth and Grace, reveal it to be a state of mind and a way of being based on acceptance, a willingness to grow and change, the courage to encounter one’s own fear, and a conscious decision to treat each other as separate, unique inidivuals who are worthy of the greatest level of respect. They are relationships built on a solid foundation, no longer just the
infatuation of romantic love, but the feelings are just as joyful and intense.
infatuation of romantic love, but the feelings are just as joyful and intense.
When we look at love relationships in more detail, it is clear that the simple word “love” cannot adequately describe the wide variety of feelings two individuals can have for each other. In the first two stages of a love relationship, romantic love and the power struggle, love is reactive; it is an unconscious response to the expectation of need fulfillment. Love is best described as eros, life energy seeking union with a gratifying object. When a husband and wife make a decision to create a more satisfying relationship, they enter a stage of transformation, and love becomes infused with consciousness and will; love is best defined as agape, the life energy directed toward the partner in an intentional act of healing. Now, in the final stage of a conscious partnership, reality love, love takes on the quality of “spontaneous oscillation,” words that come from quantum physics and describe the way energy moves back and forth between particles. When partners learn to see each other without distortion, to value each other as highly as they value themselves, to give without expecting anything in return, to commit themselves fully to each other’s welfare, love moves freely between them without apparent effort. The word that best describes this mature kind of love is not “eros,” not “agape,” but yet another Greek word, “philia,”
2
which means “love between friends.” The partner is no longer perceived as a surrogate parent, or as an enemy, but as a passionate friend.
2
which means “love between friends.” The partner is no longer perceived as a surrogate parent, or as an enemy, but as a passionate friend.
When couples are able to love in this selfless manner, they experience a release of energy. They cease to be consumed by the details of their relationship, or to need to operate within the artificial structure of exercises; they spontaneously treat each other with love and respect. What feels unnatural to them is not their new way of relating but the self-centered, wounding interactions of the past. Love becomes automatic, much as it was in the earliest stage of the relationship, but now it is based on the truth of the partner, not on illusion.
One characteristic of couples who have reached this advanced stage of consciousness is that they begin to turn their energy away from each other toward the woundedness of the world. They develop a greater concern for the environment, for people in need, for important causes. The capacity to love and heal that they have created within the relationship is now available for others.
I have found no better description of this rare kind of love than in I Corinthians 13:
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects. It always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
THE EXERCISES
TEN STEPS TOWARD A CONSCIOUS PARTNERSHIP
THIS PART OF the book describes a ten-step process based on Imago Relationship Therapy that will help you achieve a conscious, loving, and deeply connected relationship. It contains eighteen exercises that will assist you in translating the insights you have gained about marriage into effective skills.
I have some general comments to make before I describe them. All of the exercises have been thoroughly tested. With a few exceptions, they are the same exercises I have been assigning to couples for the past twenty years. These exercises have been shown to be very effective. An independent researcher concluded that couples who attended one of my weekend workshops, which contain approximately the same material as this book, improved their relationships as much as those who had been in private marital counseling for as long as three to six months.
1
1
Most of the exercises follow the principle of graduated change, which means that you will begin with an easy task first and move on to progressively more difficult ones. You will be in control of how fast you go and how much you learn. Keep in mind that, the more difficult a particular exercise seems to you, the more potential it contains for growth.
You will discover that doing the exercises requires a significant amount of time and commitment. To complete them all, you will need to set aside an hour or two of uninterrupted time each week for several months. You may even have to hire a babysitter or give up some other activity to find the necessary time—just as you would if you were going to a weekly appointment with a therapist. This degree of commitment requires a clear understanding of how important a good marriage is to you, and a continual affirmation of your priorities.
You may want to do these exercises but don’t have the support of your partner. If you are the only one interested at present, do as many of the exercises as you can by yourself. A relationship is like a balloon filled with water: push on one part of it and you change the shape of the entire balloon. When you practice the exercises by yourself, you will begin to listen to your partner more objectively, share your feelings with more candor, block your defensive and aggressive reactions, and make more of an effort to please your partner. As a result, your relationship will improve. Eventually your partner’s resistance to change might diminish, and you will be able to go through the rest of the process together.
You can do these exercises as a couple or in a group setting where you have the support of other couples with similar goals. A group study guide and a couples’ study guide are available to help you structure these sessions. For more information about the study guides and other resource materials, call 01-800-729-1121 or visit the Web site,
www.HarvilleHendrix.com
.
www.HarvilleHendrix.com
.
As you work your way through the exercises, you will discover that the journey toward a conscious partnership is never
a straight line. There will be moments of great joy and intimacy, and there will be detours, long periods of stagnation, and unexpected regressions. During the periods of regression, you may feel despondent or criticize yourself for backsliding. My clients often tell me, “Dr. Hendrix, we’ve done it again. We’ve fallen back into the same old patterns. We thought this phase of our lives was over and done with! What is wrong with us?” I respond that there is nothing linear about love and marriage. Relationships tend to move in circles and vortices; there are cycles, periods of calm and periods of turbulence. Even when you feel as if you are going through the very same struggles over and over again, there is always some degree of change. What is happening is that you are deepening your experience or participating in a particular phenomenon in a different way or on a different level. Perhaps you are integrating more unconscious elements into your relationship, or enlarging your consciousness of a change that has already taken place. Perhaps you are reacting more intensely to a familiar situation because you have opened up new feelings. Or, conversely, you may be reacting less intensely because you have managed to work through some of your feelings. These changes may seem imperceptible, but there is movement all the same. By continually affirming your decision to grow and change, and by diligently practicing the techniques described in the following pages, you will be able to make sure and steady progress on your journey to a conscious partnership.
a straight line. There will be moments of great joy and intimacy, and there will be detours, long periods of stagnation, and unexpected regressions. During the periods of regression, you may feel despondent or criticize yourself for backsliding. My clients often tell me, “Dr. Hendrix, we’ve done it again. We’ve fallen back into the same old patterns. We thought this phase of our lives was over and done with! What is wrong with us?” I respond that there is nothing linear about love and marriage. Relationships tend to move in circles and vortices; there are cycles, periods of calm and periods of turbulence. Even when you feel as if you are going through the very same struggles over and over again, there is always some degree of change. What is happening is that you are deepening your experience or participating in a particular phenomenon in a different way or on a different level. Perhaps you are integrating more unconscious elements into your relationship, or enlarging your consciousness of a change that has already taken place. Perhaps you are reacting more intensely to a familiar situation because you have opened up new feelings. Or, conversely, you may be reacting less intensely because you have managed to work through some of your feelings. These changes may seem imperceptible, but there is movement all the same. By continually affirming your decision to grow and change, and by diligently practicing the techniques described in the following pages, you will be able to make sure and steady progress on your journey to a conscious partnership.
AS I DISCUSSED in chapter 7, making a firm commitment to work on your relationship before you begin the process will help you overcome any potential resistance to change. Take the time now to examine your priorities. How important to you is creating a more loving, supportive relationship? Are you
willing to take part in a sometimes difficult process of self-growth? If you are, take out a separate sheet of paper and write a statement indicating your willingness to participate. You may wish to use words like the following:
willing to take part in a sometimes difficult process of self-growth? If you are, take out a separate sheet of paper and write a statement indicating your willingness to participate. You may wish to use words like the following:
Because our relationship is very important to us, we are making a commitment to increase our awareness of ourselves and each other and to acquire and practice new relationship skills. Toward this end, we agree to do all the exercises in this book in a careful, conscientious manner.
As you work on the exercises, keep in mind these two cardinal rules:
1.
The information you gather in the process of doing the exercises is designed to educate you and your partner about each other’s needs. Sharing this information does not obligate you to meet those needs.
The information you gather in the process of doing the exercises is designed to educate you and your partner about each other’s needs. Sharing this information does not obligate you to meet those needs.
2.
When you share your thoughts and feelings with each other, you become emotionally vulnerable. It is important that you use the information you gain about each other in a loving and helpful manner.
When you share your thoughts and feelings with each other, you become emotionally vulnerable. It is important that you use the information you gain about each other in a loving and helpful manner.
Suggested Ten-Session Timeline
| First session: | Exercise I |
| Second session: | Read or recite Relationship Vision (Exercise 1) |
| New material: Exercises 2–5 | |
| Third session: | Read or recite Relationship Vision |
| Do another Parent-Child Dialogue (Exercise 5) | |
| New material: Exercises 6–7 | |
| Fourth session: | Read or recite Relationship Vision |
| New material: Exercise 8 | |
| Fifth session: | Read or recite Relationship Vision |
| Review the need to close additional exits | |
| New material: Exercise 9 | |
| Sixth session: | Read or recite Relationship Vision |
| Review the need to close additional exits | |
| Continue with 2–3 caring behaviors a day | |
| New material: Exercises 10–13 | |
| Seventh session: | Read or recite Relationship Vision |
| Review the need to close additional exits | |
| Continue with 2–3 caring behaviors a day | |
| Continue to give surprises and engage in high-energy pleasurable activities and do the positive flooding exercise again | |
| New material: Exercise 14 | |
| Eighth session: | Read or recite Relationship Vision |
| Review the need to close additional exits | |
| Continue with 2–3 caring behaviors a day | |
| Continue to give surprises and engage in high-energy pleasurable activities | |
| Start daily short positive flooding | |
| Continue with 3–4 behavior changes a week | |
| New material: Exercise 15 | |
| Ninth session: | Read or recite Relationship Vision |
| Review the need to close additional exits | |
| Continue with 2–3 caring behaviors a day | |
| Continue to give surprises and engage in high-energy pleasurable activities. | |
| Continue daily positive flooding | |
| Continue with 3–4 behavior changes a week | |
| New material: Exercise 16 | |
| Tenth session: | Read or recite Relationship Vision |
| Review the need to close additional exits | |
| Continue with 2–3 caring behaviors a day | |
| Continue to give surprises and engage in high-energy pleasurable activities. | |
| Continue daily positive flooding | |
| Continue with 3–4 behavior changes a week | |
| New material: Exercises 17–18 | |
| Subsequent | Read or recite Relationship Vision |
| sessions: | Review the need to close additional exits |
| Continue with 2–3 caring behaviors a day | |
| Continue to give surprises and engage in high-energy pleasurable activities. | |
| Do positive flooding daily from now on. | |
| Continue with 3–4 behavior changes a week | |
| Review Exercise 16 | |
| New material: Add additional caring behaviors and behavior changes as they occur to you. |
Note:
You will need to save your responses to the exercises so you can refer to them later on in the process. I suggest that before you begin work you prepare two loose-leaf notebooks, one for each of you, each containing thirty or forty sheets of lined notebook paper. Do all your work in these notebooks.
You will need to save your responses to the exercises so you can refer to them later on in the process. I suggest that before you begin work you prepare two loose-leaf notebooks, one for each of you, each containing thirty or forty sheets of lined notebook paper. Do all your work in these notebooks.
Time:
Approximately 60 minutes.
Approximately 60 minutes.
Purpose:
This exercise will help you see the potential in your relationship.
This exercise will help you see the potential in your relationship.
Comments:
Do this exercise together.
Do this exercise together.
Directions
1. Take out two sheets of paper, one for each of you. Working separately, write a series of short sentences that describe your personal vision of a deeply satisfying love relationship. Include qualities you already have that you want to keep and qualities you wish you had. Write each sentence in the present tense, as if it were already happening. For example: “We have fun together.” “We have great sex.” “We are loving parents.” “We are affectionate with each other.” Make all your items positive statements. Write: “We settle our differences peacefully.” rather than “We don’t fight.”
2. Share your sentences. Note the items that you have in common and underline them. (It doesn’t matter if you have used different words, as long as the general idea is the same.) If your partner has written sentences that you agree with but did not think of yourself, add them to your list. For the moment, ignore items that are not shared.
3. Now turn to your own expanded list and rank each sentence (including the ones that are not shared) with a number from 1 to 5 according to its importance to you, with 1 indicating “very important,” and 5 indicating “not so important.”
4. Circle the two items that are most important to you.
5. Put a check mark beside those items that you think would be most difficult for the two of you to achieve.
6. Now work together to design a mutual relationship vision similar to the following example. Start with the items that you both agree are most important. Put a check mark by
those items that you both agree would be difficult to achieve. At the bottom of the list, write items that are relatively important. If you have items that are a source of conflict between you, see if you can come up with a compromise statement that satisfies both of you. If not, leave the item off your combined list.
those items that you both agree would be difficult to achieve. At the bottom of the list, write items that are relatively important. If you have items that are a source of conflict between you, see if you can come up with a compromise statement that satisfies both of you. If not, leave the item off your combined list.
Our Relationship Vision
| Bill | Jenny | |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | We have fun together. | 1 |
| 1 | We settle our differences peacefully. | 1 |
| 1 | We have satisfying and beautiful sex. | 1 |
| 1 | We are healthy and physically active. | 1 |
| 1 | We communicate easily and openly. | 1√ |
| 1 | We worship together. | 1 |
| 1 | We are each other’s best friends. | 1 |
| 1 | We have secure and happy children. | 1 |
| 2 | We trust each other. | 1 |
| 1 | We are sexually faithful. | 1 |
| 2 | We both have satisfying careers. | 2√ |
| 2 | We work well together as parents. | 1 |
| 2 | We share important decisions. | 2 |
| 2 | We meet each other’s deepest needs. | 2 |
| 3 | We have daily private time. | 4 |
| 3 | We feel safe with each other. | 2 |
| 3 | We are financially secure. | 4√ |
| 4 | We live close to our parents. | 5√ |
| 5 | We have similar political views. | 3 |
7. Post this list where you can see it easily. Once a week, at the beginning of your work sessions, read it aloud to each other.
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