Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed. (29 page)
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Authors: Ph.D Harville Hendrix
BOOK: Getting the Love You Want, 20th An. Ed.
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(review chapter 2)
Time:
Approximately 15–20 minutes.
Approximately 15–20 minutes.
Purpose:
This exercise organizes the information from Exercises 2–6 into a description of your unfinished business, the hidden agenda that you brought to your love relationship.
This exercise organizes the information from Exercises 2–6 into a description of your unfinished business, the hidden agenda that you brought to your love relationship.
Comments:
Do this exercise separately.
Do this exercise separately.
Directions
On a separate piece of paper, write down the words below that are written in boldface. Complete the sentences by filling in what you wrote beside the appropriate letters in the exercises cited in brackets.
I have spent my life searching for a person with these character traits [the traits that you underlined in A and B from
Exercise 3
, pages 262–63]:
Exercise 3
, pages 262–63]:
When I am with such a person, I am troubled by these traits [the traits that you underlined in A in
Exercise 3
, step 3, page 262]:
Exercise 3
, step 3, page 262]:
And I wish that person would give me [C from
Exercise 3
, step 5, page 263]:
Exercise 3
, step 5, page 263]:
When my needs aren’t met, I have these feelings: [D from
Exercise 3
, step 6, page 263]:
Exercise 3
, step 6, page 263]:
And I often respond this way [E from
Exercise 4
, page 264]:
Exercise 4
, page 264]:
Exercise 7
completes the first portion of the exercises. You now have a relationship vision, a description of your imago, a record of your early frustrations and coping patterns, a chart listing the things you like and don’t like about your partner, and a sheet that describes the hidden agenda you brought to your relationship.
completes the first portion of the exercises. You now have a relationship vision, a description of your imago, a record of your early frustrations and coping patterns, a chart listing the things you like and don’t like about your partner, and a sheet that describes the hidden agenda you brought to your relationship.
(review chapter 9)
Time:
Approximately 45–60 minutes.
Approximately 45–60 minutes.
Purpose:
This three-step exercise will train you to: 1) listen accurately to what your partner is saying, 2) understand and validate
your partner’s point of view, and 3) express your empathy for your partner’s feelings.
This three-step exercise will train you to: 1) listen accurately to what your partner is saying, 2) understand and validate
your partner’s point of view, and 3) express your empathy for your partner’s feelings.
Comments:
Do this exercise together and often. The Imago Dialogue is a very effective tool for communication, mutual healing, and deep connection. It is the central therapeutic process in Imago Relationship Therapy. At first, it will feel like an unnatural, cumbersome way of talking, but it is an excellent way to assure accurate communication. With practice, the exercise will seem less mechanical. When you have the exercise down pat, you will discover that you do not need to use the structured process all the time. The three steps will be necessary only when you are discussing highly charged subjects or when communication breaks down. Eventually, through months of practice, you will feel safer, become less reactive to your partner’s comments, and experience a deeper sense of connection and communication.
Do this exercise together and often. The Imago Dialogue is a very effective tool for communication, mutual healing, and deep connection. It is the central therapeutic process in Imago Relationship Therapy. At first, it will feel like an unnatural, cumbersome way of talking, but it is an excellent way to assure accurate communication. With practice, the exercise will seem less mechanical. When you have the exercise down pat, you will discover that you do not need to use the structured process all the time. The three steps will be necessary only when you are discussing highly charged subjects or when communication breaks down. Eventually, through months of practice, you will feel safer, become less reactive to your partner’s comments, and experience a deeper sense of connection and communication.
Directions
1. Choose who will be the sender and the receiver. The one who decides to be the sender starts the dialogue by saying: “I would like to have a Dialogue. Is now an OK time?” (When using this process in your relationship, it is important that the receiver respond as soon as possible. If that is not possible, set a time in the near future when you will be available so your partner will know when he or she will be heard.) The sender signals his or her readiness by saying: “I am available now.”
2. The sender now talks very briefly, sending the simple message he or she wants the receiver to hear. The message should start with “I” and describe what the sender is thinking or feeling. The first time you do this exercise, choose a message that is neutral and very simple. Example: “I woke up this morning with a sore throat and didn’t feel like going to work. I decided to stay home.”
3. The receiver then mirrors (paraphrases) those words, starting with the words, “If I got it …” or “If I heard you accurately …” Example:
“If I got it,
you awakened with a sore throat, and since you don’t feel well, you decided to stay home from work.
Did I get it?”
The sender indicates whether or not the message was correctly received. If the answer is “Yes,” go on to step 4. If the answer is “No,” the sender explains what was missing or added without a hint of criticism. The receiver mirrors back again. This continues until the sender acknowledges that the message was received as sent.
“If I got it,
you awakened with a sore throat, and since you don’t feel well, you decided to stay home from work.
Did I get it?”
The sender indicates whether or not the message was correctly received. If the answer is “Yes,” go on to step 4. If the answer is “No,” the sender explains what was missing or added without a hint of criticism. The receiver mirrors back again. This continues until the sender acknowledges that the message was received as sent.
4. The receiver then asks: “Is there more you want to say about that?” If the sender has more to say, he or she sends an additional message. The receiver continues to mirror back the added information and then ask
“Is there more about that?”
until the sender has completed the message. (The question “Is there more about that?” is important. It helps the sender complete all the thoughts and feelings linked with the first statement and prevents the receiver from responding to an incomplete message. And, since it is limited to “more about
that
,” it helps the sender limit the message to
one
subject at a time.)
“Is there more about that?”
until the sender has completed the message. (The question “Is there more about that?” is important. It helps the sender complete all the thoughts and feelings linked with the first statement and prevents the receiver from responding to an incomplete message. And, since it is limited to “more about
that
,” it helps the sender limit the message to
one
subject at a time.)
5. When the sender has completed the message, the receiver then summarizes all of the sender’s message with this lead-in sentence:
“Let me see if I got all of that …”
When the receiver finishes the summary, he or she asks,
“Did I get it all?”
The summary is important because it helps the receiver understand the sender more deeply and to see the logic in what was said. This helps with the next step, validation. When the sender indicates that all of the message has been heard accurately, go on to step 6.
“Let me see if I got all of that …”
When the receiver finishes the summary, he or she asks,
“Did I get it all?”
The summary is important because it helps the receiver understand the sender more deeply and to see the logic in what was said. This helps with the next step, validation. When the sender indicates that all of the message has been heard accurately, go on to step 6.
6. Now the receiver validates the sender’s message starting with words such as these:
“You make sense, because …”
or
“
It makes sense to me, given that you …” or “I can see what you are saying . .
.” Example: “What you say makes sense. Given the fact that you had a sore throat and felt bad, I can understand why you didn’t go to work today.” (This response indicates that the receiver understands the logic of what the sender is saying. It is the sender’s “truth.” The receiver does not have to agree with the sender, but it is essential that the receiver “sees” the logic or “truth” of the sender’s experience. The receiver checks to see if the sender feels validated. If so, then move on to step 7.
“You make sense, because …”
or
“
It makes sense to me, given that you …” or “I can see what you are saying . .
.” Example: “What you say makes sense. Given the fact that you had a sore throat and felt bad, I can understand why you didn’t go to work today.” (This response indicates that the receiver understands the logic of what the sender is saying. It is the sender’s “truth.” The receiver does not have to agree with the sender, but it is essential that the receiver “sees” the logic or “truth” of the sender’s experience. The receiver checks to see if the sender feels validated. If so, then move on to step 7.
7. The sender expresses his or her empathy by starting with the following sentence stems:
“I can imagine that you might be feeling …”
or
“I imagine that you felt …”
Example. “I can imagine that you might be feeling frustrated that you had to miss a day of work.” Feelings are best stated using one word such as angry, upset, happy, etc. If you use more than one word, such as: “you feel you don’t want to go to work” you are probably expressing a thought. Then the receiver checks for accuracy by asking,
“Is that what you are feeling?”
or
“Did I get your feeling right?”
If the receiver did not imagine the right feeling or misperceived the expressed feeling, then the sender explains what the feeling is. Once the feeling has been identified correctly, the receiver asks,
“Is there more about that feeling?”
Continue the process until the exchange is completed.
“I can imagine that you might be feeling …”
or
“I imagine that you felt …”
Example. “I can imagine that you might be feeling frustrated that you had to miss a day of work.” Feelings are best stated using one word such as angry, upset, happy, etc. If you use more than one word, such as: “you feel you don’t want to go to work” you are probably expressing a thought. Then the receiver checks for accuracy by asking,
“Is that what you are feeling?”
or
“Did I get your feeling right?”
If the receiver did not imagine the right feeling or misperceived the expressed feeling, then the sender explains what the feeling is. Once the feeling has been identified correctly, the receiver asks,
“Is there more about that feeling?”
Continue the process until the exchange is completed.
8. When the receiver has gone through all three steps—mirroring, validation, and empathy—the partners switch roles. The new sender (the former receiver) can respond to the partner’s original message or may express an unrelated thought or feeling. Go through all the steps, as before.
9. Now use the three-step Imago Dialogue to share what each of you learned about yourself when doing
Exercise 2
,
Childhood Wounds. As you listen, try to visualize your partner’s childhood frustrations or pain. When it’s your turn to talk, divide your comments into simple, easy to remember statements.
Exercise 2
,
Childhood Wounds. As you listen, try to visualize your partner’s childhood frustrations or pain. When it’s your turn to talk, divide your comments into simple, easy to remember statements.
(review
Chapter 7
)
Chapter 7
)
Time:
Approximately 60–90 minutes.
Approximately 60–90 minutes.
Purpose:
This exercise serves two purposes: (1) it assures that you will stay together while you are working through these exercises, and (2) it creates a sense of safety that gradually increases your level of intimacy.
This exercise serves two purposes: (1) it assures that you will stay together while you are working through these exercises, and (2) it creates a sense of safety that gradually increases your level of intimacy.
Comments:
Do this exercise together.
Do this exercise together.
Directions
1. Imagine that your relationship is represented by a rectangle with perforated sides. The open spaces are your “exits,” by which I mean all the inappropriate ways that you seek safety, gratify your needs, or drain the energy away from your relationship. In essense, you use an exit to act out your feelings rather than talking about them with your partner.
Each of the four corners of the rectangle is a catastrophic exit—suicide, divorce (or separation), murder, and insanity. Examine your thoughts and feelings to see if you are contemplating leaving the relationship through any of these corner exits. If so, I urge you to make a decision now to close them for the period of time that you are working together on these exercises. If you cannot make that decision, than I urge you to call an Imago therapist and begin therapy. (Go to
www.HarvilleHendrix.com
to locate a nearby therapist. If you cannot find an Imago therapist, find a couples therapist in your area.)
www.HarvilleHendrix.com
to locate a nearby therapist. If you cannot find an Imago therapist, find a couples therapist in your area.)
2. Now take out four sheets of paper, two for each of you. On your first sheet of paper, make a comprehensive list of your ordinary exits. Ordinary exits are such things as overeating, staying late at work, spending too much time with the children—anything that you do primarily to avoid your partner. (
See here
for a more comprehensive list.)
See here
for a more comprehensive list.)
3. Using the mirroring technique described in
Exercise 8
, the Imago Dialogue, take turns sharing the list of exits you are using. (You do not have to use all the steps in the Imago Dialogue, just the mirroring portion.) Example:
Exercise 8
, the Imago Dialogue, take turns sharing the list of exits you are using. (You do not have to use all the steps in the Imago Dialogue, just the mirroring portion.) Example:
PARTNER A: I am aware that I bring work home for the weekend, and that I do that because I am afraid to spend time with you and get into conflict about something.
PARTNER B: You think you bring home work from the office because you are afraid to spend time with me. Did I understand you correctly?
PARTNER A: Not completely. I said that I think that one of the reasons that I bring work home is to avoid spending time with you because we get into conflicts and that is unpleasant for me. I have other reasons, too.
PARTNER B: OK. You are saying that one of the reasons you work over the weekends is to spend less time with me because we get into conflicts and that is unpleasant for you. And you have other reasons, too. Did I get you this time?
PARTNER A: Yes, you heard me correctly.
4. Now, working with your own list, put a check mark by exits that you are willing to eliminate or use less frequently at the present time. Put an “X” by those that would be difficult for you to change.
5. Write out the following agreement and fill in the blanks: “Starting this week [insert date], rather than bringing work
home, I agree to ask you for a dialogue to talk about why I work on the weekends and my fear of being in conflict with you.
home, I agree to ask you for a dialogue to talk about why I work on the weekends and my fear of being in conflict with you.
Note
: It is important to talk about the fear behind your exit. Talking about your fear in the safety of Imago Dialogue paradoxically closes the exit of avoidance. After you talk about your feelings, it may be important also to close an exit if it is draining energy that belongs to your relationship.
: It is important to talk about the fear behind your exit. Talking about your fear in the safety of Imago Dialogue paradoxically closes the exit of avoidance. After you talk about your feelings, it may be important also to close an exit if it is draining energy that belongs to your relationship.
(review chapter 8)
Time:
Approximately 60 minutes.
Approximately 60 minutes.
Purpose:
By sharing specific information about what pleases you and agreeing to pleasure your partner on a regular, consistent basis, you can turn your relationship into a zone of safety.
By sharing specific information about what pleases you and agreeing to pleasure your partner on a regular, consistent basis, you can turn your relationship into a zone of safety.
Comments:
You can do steps 1–3 separately if you wish. Do the remaining steps together.
You can do steps 1–3 separately if you wish. Do the remaining steps together.
Directions
1. The first step in this process is to identify what your partner is already doing that pleases you. Get out separate sheets of paper and complete this sentence in as many ways as possible, being specific and positive and focusing on items that happen with some regularity:
I feel loved and cared about when you …
I feel loved and cared about when you …
Examples:
fill my coffee cup when it’s empty. let me read the front page of the paper first.
kiss me before you leave the house.
call me from work just to chat.
tell me important things that happen to you.
massage my back.
tell me you love me.
ask if I want a treat from the store.
bring me surprise presents.
sit close to me when we’re watching TV.
listen to me when I’m upset.
check with me first before making plans.
pray with me and for me.
make special Sunday dinners.
want to make love to me.
compliment me on the way I look.
kiss me before you leave the house.
call me from work just to chat.
tell me important things that happen to you.
massage my back.
tell me you love me.
ask if I want a treat from the store.
bring me surprise presents.
sit close to me when we’re watching TV.
listen to me when I’m upset.
check with me first before making plans.
pray with me and for me.
make special Sunday dinners.
want to make love to me.
compliment me on the way I look.
2. Now recall the romantic stage of your relationship. Are there any caring behaviors that you used to do for each other that you are no longer doing? Once again, take out separate sheets of paper and complete this sentence:
I used to feel loved and cared about when you …
I used to feel loved and cared about when you …
Examples:
wrote me love letters. brought me flowers.
held my hand as we walked.
whispered sexy things into my ear.
called me up on the phone to say how much you loved me.
cooked me special dinners.
stayed up late talking and making love.
made love more than once a day.
kissed me when you went out the door and hugged me when you came home.
held my hand as we walked.
whispered sexy things into my ear.
called me up on the phone to say how much you loved me.
cooked me special dinners.
stayed up late talking and making love.
made love more than once a day.
kissed me when you went out the door and hugged me when you came home.
3. Now think about some caring and loving behaviors that you have always wanted but never asked for. These may come from your vision of a perfect mate or from prior experience. (They should not, however, refer to activities that are a present source of conflict.) These may be very private fantasies. Whenever possible, quantify your request. Complete this sentence:
I would like you to …
I would like you to …
Examples:
massage me for thirty minutes without stopping.
take a shower with me.
buy me some silver jewelry as a surprise.
go backpacking with me three times each summer.
sleep in the nude.
go out to brunch with me once a month.
read a novel to me over Christmas vacation.
eat dinner on the deck.
take a shower with me.
buy me some silver jewelry as a surprise.
go backpacking with me three times each summer.
sleep in the nude.
go out to brunch with me once a month.
read a novel to me over Christmas vacation.
eat dinner on the deck.
4. Now combine all three lists and indicate how important each caring behavior is to you by writing a number from 1 to 5 beside each one. A “1” indicates “very important”; a “5” indicates “not so important.”
5. Exchange lists. Examine your partner’s lists and put an “X” by any items that you are not willing to do at this time. (Make sure that you are willing to do all the ones you have not checked.) Starting tomorrow, do at least two of the caring behaviors each day for the next two months, starting with the ones that are easiest for you to do. Add more items to your list as they occur to you. When your partner does a caring behavior for you, acknowledge it with an appreciative comment. As you will recall from reading chapter 8, these caring behaviors are gifts, not obligations. Do them regardless of how you feel about your partner, and regardless of the number of caring behaviors your partner gives you.
6. If either you or your partner experiences some resistance to this exercise, keep on doing the caring behaviors until the resistance is overcome. (
See here
for an explanation of the fear of pleasure.)
See here
for an explanation of the fear of pleasure.)
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