Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (30 page)

FLAMINGO

Stands in lakes and
ponds on one leg. The other leg can be seen held in its mouth. It has
crazy eyes. If disturbed, the creature will attack by blasting its
eyes out at you. Without its eyes, it will not be able to see its
food; therefore, it will feast on its legs and continue to consume
the rest of its body. In the end, it will be nothing but a head. The
zombie flamingo cannot reproduce.

CAMEL

When feasting on
wo(man) or animal, keeps its meal in the hump for future meals. If
you kill a zombie camel and are starved, you are urged to eat its
stored hump-meats.*Various parts of the zombie camel are also edible,
except for the foul tasting camel toe, unless cleaned thoroughly
before consumption. Then it is a delight.

*Please follow proper
food purification instructions.

GIRAFFE

Usually seen
loitering on the outside-stairs of various buildings. The long neck
has gone purple and the mouth constantly burps an offensive odor.
Because of its sluggish insides, the zombie giraffe does not bother
to run or give chase. It attacks by shoving its face through windows,
biting its victims, pulling them outside and dropping them to their
deaths. Before it eats its meal, the zombie giraffe has to kneel.

ELEPHANT

Popular on city
streets. Contrary to popular belief, it is not the elephant itself
that has come back from the dead, but the nose or trunk. It controls
the elephant body, making it do things against its will. It sticks
things into its mouth, ignoring its pleas. To combat this creature,
one must cut off the nose and burn it to death. WARNING: When
threatened, the nose defends itself by shooting out baffled, elephant
fetuses that yell.

IF YOU ARE BITTEN

If a zombie –
animal or human – ever bites you or your sidekick, you are to
be immediately concerned. The important thing is to settle down.

You are not dead
yet
.
Your body will fight to survive. Take this time – these last
few hours – to write your Last Will & Testament, comfort
your sidekick, or confess your sins and darkest secrets so you can
get into Heaven. Your sidekick will be helpful in this area. They
will be more than happy to forgive you of your past and your
eccentricities. They will guide you through a process of soul
cleansing.

This is called The
Rainbow Room.

And it will make your
final moments a soothing one, indeed.

The Rainbow Room

The method takes
place in no room at all, but rather a lake or field. The hunter and
sidekick are to dress appropriately prior the ceremony: Sidekick and
hunter must take off all clothing (it is advised your sidekick still
wear priestly scarves).

The two must stand in
a lake (or field if lake is not available) with the hunter kneeling
before the sidekick. Torches are to be put around them. The hunter
can then confess all of her/his past wrongdoings and guilty pleasures
or anything else that is bothering them. The sidekick must tilt their
head back and stare into the sky with their arms held out and not
express any emotion during the process, for fear of scaring the dying
hunter.

When done, the hunter
will say ‘The end’. The sidekick can now begin reciting
the Rainbow of Forgiveness.

Oh yay oh yay oh
yay, thou has now come to the rainbow room of mercy to find safe
passage to Heaven with the angels who may or may not be aliens. Does
not this dying soul deserve your love, O God? Your hugs? Your kisses?
Yessm. Please, O God, forgive this soul you see kneeling before my
belly. Damn the zombie that has bitten her and is now raping her
insides! Damn the zombie that has taken this poor soul away from this
world! May I spit? Thank you. Will you accept this child, O God, into
your confusing embrace? Will you carry her on your back into the
sunset? Yessm. Amen. And Awomen.

Once these words of
spiritual salvation have been spoken, the sidekick is to cut the
hunter’s head in half, vertically. This must be done in one
swell swoop or else the soul will be sent instantly to Hell.

(A note from the
author’s attorney: DO NOT murder people! DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS
BOOK! Author is not responsible for the reader’s actions. Thank
you.
-Mr. Attorney
)

In such a case, the
only way to save the hunter’s soul is with the eating of their
brain, raw. An ex hunter from Minnesota, Asia O'Bannon, tells it
well:

“After I said
the Rainbow of Forgiveness, I held the sword over my head. Oh no…I
was so afraid…And then I sliced into Cleo’s skull, but
my hands SLIPPED. I think it was because we were standing in a lake.
The sword only went in halfway! Cleo shrieked out and ran around
through the lake, slowly! I screamed and began pulling out my hair
and then I ate my hair. Hours later, Cleo stopped screaming and fell.
I dragged the body out from the water onto the beach and then I ate
her brain while crying on the beach. I think I threw up twenty times.
Jesus Christ, you made me re-eat my own spills. What have I become?
What have I become? Bring in the elk.”

To further prepare
the dying soul for their death, it is important to remind them that
death is merely a part of existence – that the After Life is
another adventure for the hunter and sidekick – an adventure
where many more vampires and ghosts and werewolves and Zombies await
them.

So enjoy, fellow
Zombie Hunter.

Goodnight, and Good
luck.

A Philosophical
Theory

When you are bitten,
the world around you deteriorates at an amazing rate. Your heart
slows, but you do not notice. You find yourself walking through a
desert. You get into a boat. You sail into the horizon – which
turns red, then white, then blue, and then white…You are in a
giant white space and standing on an ocean that makes no noise. There
are two clouds, and when each one speaks, they flare.

One of them asks you
to make a choice, “Die and take your chances of either entering
Heaven or Hell, or eat forever and ever at The Zombie Banquet.”

Say you choose The
Zombie Banquet, for fear of going to Hell. You are then transported
to a cloudy world high above the earth where there’s a long
table of food that stretches out forever in both directions. You are
instructed to eat – and to keep eating. This is not a problem,
for you are suddenly very hungry.

Cloud 1: They will
eat and keep eating to fill their hunger.

Cloud 2: Yes. But
what happens when they become full?

Cloud 1: (pause) …I
don’t know.

Going Home

Transporting Your
Zombie

If you do not wish to
chop your zombie into convenient pieces, feel free to fold them up
and place them into a briefcase. If your zombie is rotund, seat them
in the back of your vehicle and bind them to the walls – arms
and legs outstretched. The mouth must be gagged.

Remember to put a
sheet of white plastic underneath the zombie to catch any mischievous
liquids. When done, wrap the contents up. These can later be used in
a variety of experiments.

If desired, you may
also put an adult diaper on the zombie. When driving, it is
recommended you put cotton in your ears to keep out any torturous
sounds emitting from the zombie. Even if gagged, the zombie will
still make worrying throat-sounds. Sometimes they are barley audible.
Hours and possibly days of exposure to repeated zombie moaning, even
on a subconscious level, can result in permanent psychosis.

Surprising Stops

Next to police
annoyance, an assortment of other incidents can trouble and delay
your journey home. Be prepared for these situations:

a) Your zombie may
break free from its ropes and thrash about and put its mouth on the
back of your sidekick’s head. b) You may get a flat tire, in
which case you must command your sidekick to play mechanic. c) Your
sidekick may suddenly lose her mind and scream. d) There may be a
zombie clinging to the top or bottom or top and bottom of your
vehicle and is/are now attacking your sidekick. e) You have
accidentally been bitten, but told no one due to shame and now YOU
are a zombie and are eating your sidekick and look! Now the car is in
a ditch.

These things happen
everyday. Many hunters and sidekicks – so close to home and
completing their mission – have died these many ways.

When on the road,
keep an open mind and pay attention to your senses. If possible,
always drive at night to avoid suspicion. And above everything else,
tell your sidekick if you have been bitten. Do not be ashamed.

Shame equals blame.

And blame equals
BLAM! from a gun.

Police Avoidance

First, try not to get
pulled over. Always drive under the speed limit. If you require
glasses, wear them so you can identify the various road signs. If you
are overwhelmed with Road Rage, pull over and order your sidekick to
throw water on your face and then to punch you in the face. This will
indubitably set you back into the right frame of mind.

Shake hands and drive
on.

If you follow the
above, but still find yourself being pulled over by a police officer,
please read the below in full detail.

1. Breathe naturally

2. Put a rug over
your zombie

3. Dismantle the
ceiling light

4. Comfort the
officer; do exactly what they order

5. Try passing the
zombie off as a drunken friend. Put glasses on it so it looks smart.
Comb its hair and pour perfume on its head. Complete the makeover
with a tiara. Before the office opens the back door, throw glitter
around the zombie.

6. Try the Pregnancy
plan as discussed in the chapter On the road

7. If that fails,
have your sidekick scream and pull out a knife and then run out the
car, screaming. The officer will scream as well and run after your
sidekick. At this point, speed off, screaming. After you have driven
around for an hour or so, drive back and pick up your sidekick. Be
silent for at least two hours. (Plan the pick up prior to being
pulled over.)

Sometimes you will
receive an inquisitive police officer. This type loves to abuse their
power and searches through vehicles and takes things that do not
belong to them, like alcohol and drugs and even clothing. If you
indeed encounter said officer, un-gag your zombie. Allow the snooping
officer to freely examine your vehicle. Your hope is that they will
peek under the rug and be bitten by your zombie.

At this point, you
know what to do next.

Properly Walking
Your Zombie Toward Your Home

It is recommended
that you guide your zombie out from your vehicle at night. Secure
your zombie with ropes. They will struggle. Do all you can with the
aid of your sidekick to walk your zombie to the front door of your
house as quietly as possible. If your neighbors look at you secretly
from their windows, feel free to wave as if everything is normal.

Laugh, as well.

If your zombie
somehow breaks free and speed walks down the street with the rug over
its head, DO NOT RUN AFTER IT. Calmly walk back into your car, start
it up, pull out of your driveway and run the zombie over. It is
important that you aim for the buttocks.

The zombie will be
stunned.

When reversing, avoid
running over the head. The zombie will at this point be passive
enough to walk safely into your house. Once inside, push your zombie
down the basement stairs, gently. And bolt the door.

Handling the
Neighbors with Love

Neighbors can pose a
serious problem. They must be dealt with quickly and wisely. When
telling the neighbor a lie, one must be calm and collected. Do not
touch the neighbor. Stand at least three feet away from them at all
times. If possible, wear delightful perfume, like Secret Garden by
Victoria’s Secret. This will soothe the neighbor on a
subconscious level.

Tell them that what
they saw – the suspicious figure under a rug – was
normal. Tell them with a bright, relaxing smile that it was your
mother. She is sick and horribly scarred from a train wreck that
happened recently and you were transporting her from the hospital.
She is very insecure about her looks. And she cries a lot.

At this point, the
neighbor will gasp and touch you on the shoulder. Do not panic. This
is good. They sympathize with you, and will most likely try to relate
to your situation with a personal story written via the pen of
depression. Listen and nod your head understandably. Cry, if desired.
This will only make them care for you more. Hug them. Odds are they
will hug back. Ask her/him for their telephone number, but do not
call them until after three days. You don’t want to appear
desperate. When you do call, sound sad. Sniff every 7 seconds.

On the first date,
pick a restaurant that’s not too expensive. You want to say
Yes, I am willing to pay for our future love, but I’m not rich.
Let us help each other, financially. If they want to pay for the
check, let them, but be gracious. Tell them that they are very
generous and that you will cover the next meal. They will smile and
nod. Smile and nod back. On the second week, wait for them to call
(if they have fallen in love with you, they will call at least every
other day). Ask if they are okay, and that if anything is ever
bothering them they can call you for support. Say this with a hint of
depression. They will ask if everything is satisfactory and be truly
concerned for your well-being.

Say No, you are not
feeling satisfactory – that you are so confused and everything
is falling apart and you don’t now what to do. They will ask if
you would like to come over for dinner and some company. Hesitate
here…and then respond with, “Yes I would like that.
Thank you.” Notice how polite you are?

Before you go over,
remember to shower and trim any rabid nose hairs. Studies have shown
that nothing disturbs and confuses the date more than the wandering
nose hair. Dress well for the dinner, but don’t wear a suit.
Wear comfortable clothing in preparation for the obvious. Spray on
perfume (cologne is far too stiff and heavy) whether you are female
or male in strategic areas – like the neck and hands. Avoid
spraying your genitals for risk of mad burning. While bathing, soap
is adequate for these dainty areas. Finally, apply lip-gloss.
Watermelon is wonderful. When they open the door for you, hug them –
but not too tightly. You want your hug to say I’m happy to see
you, but I am not at all desperate. You will notice that they, too,
are well dressed.