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And like you, they
have their own methods of attack.

Biting

As discussed earlier,
the undead mouth is awesome. It is their main form of attack. Their
mouths are living dead bear traps. Once it clamps around your flesh,
nothing but the pity of Jesus, or the disgust of Satan, will save
you. STAY AWAY from the undead mouth. Have a Wonder Stick on you at
all times to shove into an undead mouth and keep it at bay.

Grabbing

The zombie that walks
with its arms out – hands bent downward – is not blind,
or seeking pity, nor a homosexual. They are merely resting their
hands, saving up the energy to tear through your clothing and get to
your precious meat and life-giving bits.

The undead hand –
although eager! – is relatively weak. The hunter may dismantle
the body part by gripping the first and middle fingers and yanking
outward, tearing the hand in two. Goggles are recommended, but not
required.

Kicking

As witnessed by a
minority of zombie hunters, the zombie is also able to kick. Although
a highly dubious situation, the hunter (if ever to indeed encounter
such a zombie) would fair well to kick back, aiming at the inside of
the thigh. This will do either two things: 1) Disconnect the leg at
the crotch. Or, 2) It will catch your foot between its legs and fall
onto you. With its weight holding you down, it will have a distinct
advantage over you.

Slow Walking

A mere ploy to fool
you into coming in reaching range. The inexperienced hunter, in a
sudden sense of superiority, will attempt to walk around the zombie.
This has proven – sadly, many times – to be erroneous.
The walking dead have been seen magically coming “alive”
in an abrupt explosion of energy to catch their meal.

This is the #1
mistake most hunters make, resulting in many unnecessary deaths and
heartache. NOTE: If you so indeed happen to walk around a zombie
successfully, it is because said zombie is severely malnourished. You
are in the minority.

Head butting

As detailed by ex
Indonesian hunter Jill Rickles:

JILL: “Are we
recording? Well…I told Mr. Magruder that I was so sorry he was
a zombie, and that I’d never harm him. And when I ran the
burning candle into its eye, it continued to head butt me! It’s
so amazing. It’s so horrible! I couldn’t believe it. I
mean, I had heard stories…(cries) I didn’t know what to
do. It hurt so much. I cried out, but it wouldn’t listen. Why
wouldn’t it listen? (cries) So I head butted it back, on its
back. This seemed to have traumatized it, for it stumbled away and
moaned a little. Then it began walking toward me, head butting the
air over and over. It looked weird. I threw a microwave at it,
killing it instantly after an hour. I was sad…Now I want to go
pray. Can I go pray?”

VOICE: “No.”

Moaning

When a zombie moans,
it is not because they are hurt physically, or because they are
depressed, or because they long. They make such groans simply to get
your attention – your sympathy. They want you to walk up to
them and ask if everything’s okay.

They want you to pity
them and caress their cheek with the back of your hand. In short,
they will make sad sounds to get you close, so they can eat you.
Beware the disheartened zombie.

Attack Strategies

There are many ways
to battle a zombie. Some ways are extremely effective, while many
more are simply competent. In an attempt to be The Zombie Hunter’s
ultimate, trustworthy resource on the profession, we will only
discuss strategies of extreme competence.

Against single
zombie

Weapon in hand, run
around zombie as quickly as possible. This will bewilder the zombie.
Allow it to lunge after you, therefore draining its energy. You are
still advised to run around the zombie until it gives up on you and
moves on. Once directly behind it, attack brain.

Against zombie
groups

Weapon in hand, run
around zombies as quickly as possible. This will bewilder the
zombies. Allow them to lunge after you, therefore draining their
energy. You are still advised to run around the zombies. Once
directly behind them, attack brain. ALTERNATE METHOD: Knit together a
large Blinding Blanket to cover the group of zombies. Must be
released from up a tree for optimal effect.

Zombie
Decomposition, Results from

The war against the
walking dead is a frustrating one. Fortunately, Mother Nature is on
your side. The dead rot. They do so at a nonstop rate. Things fall
off. Because of this – ultimately – you have the upper
hand.

Or do you?

Hrmm…

Take care when
attacking the walking, rotting dead. Because of their weak
composition, lethal innards tend to fly out, legs and arms fall off,
and vomit is unleashed (sometimes from the palms and feet) –
all without warning.

WARNING: Be wary
when using the shotgun. Never aim at the belly. It will create a
clean hole that will only anger the zombie.

When strangling the
undead, be mindful of your own strength, for the head comes away
easily and you could – out of shock – drop it, thereby
allowing the zombie head to eat your feet.

If a zombie is
severely decomposed, a simple hit to the chest with a baseball bat
can explode a zombie completely, resulting in a rain of perilous
waste. If this happens, the hunter must stop, drop, and roll.
Remember to take an hour-long, cold shower. End personal grooming
with the brushing of teeth, using proper up & down motions.
Gargle with mouthwash to kill gingivitis. Ignore the burning. This
means it’s working.

Spit.

Proper ‘Weaponry
Transplant’ Procedures

The hunter is always
at risk of injury: Illness, mental illness, and limb-loss illness.
Maybe you lost a hand – or worse, BOTH hands. You may require
special attachments to ensure a successful hunt. This section will
deal with Weaponry Transplants.

Before any kind of
operation can take place, always remember to have your sidekick
nearby, for support and emotional comfort.

CHAINSAW

Can turn your arm
into a helpful killing machine. Begin by cutting out a hole on the
end of the motor casing. Insert hand. May be extremely heavy.
Weightlifting is advised. The hunter must be mindful of harmful
exhaust. Starting of the chainsaw can be achieved by pulling on
starter-cord by mouth, or with the aid of sidekick. (Can also be
attached to foot.)

SHOTGUN

Remove handle,
sharpening the revealed skeleton. When ready, shove end into
hand-stump. Sleeping with shotgun arm pointed up at face is not
suggested. Always keep shotgun arm aimed out the window with the aid
of a tailor-made stand. (Can also be attached to foot.)

Other attachable
weapons: Knife, buzz saw, whip, gun, fork, spoon, stick, cup, bottle,
wheelbarrow, lighter, magic marker, camera, or electric fan.

Hunting in Zombie Infested Territories

The zombie hunter
will find her or himself in a variety of unfamiliar locations. In
this chapter, you shall be educated on what to do in such an instance
and utilize the location to your advantage, thereby maximizing the
success of your hunt.

Forests

As we’ve
learned before, inspect every tree for zombies. When hunting, climb
up a tree and stay up there. Keep your eyes open and your ears alert
for any sudden sounds, such as the crushing of dead leaves and
distant, swaying objects. Use the tree to your advantage. If
possible, load said tree with heavy objects: rocks, wet blankets, and
dead bodies.

Deserts

Wear winter coats to
block out the sun’s heat. When available, tie bags of ice
around torso to discourage heat stroke. If ever thirsty, drink the
melted ice. Hiding places excellent for spying on and attacking
zombies include: Sand dunes. The undead are indifferent to
wastelands. They will walk on the sand with ease. If they trip and
fall, they will eat the sand and absorb just enough minerals to move
on. Because of this, reputable scientists and nuns hypothesize that
it may be possible for the zombie to live forever and ever in a
desert.

Cemeteries

The worst place for
any human to be…and yet, for the zombie hunter, the best. The
cemetery is a hotbed of zombie activity. It is The Belly of The
Beast, if you will. The hunter’s preferred hiding place? On top
of a mausoleum. Keep low, and search the area with binoculars. Give
special attention to fresh burials. Zombies crawl out from their
graves periodically.

This is especially
true during the rainy season. Because of their Hypersleeping, they
have harnessed enough energy to literally claw and eat their way
through any coffin – wood or metal – or if they are
buried deep under the ground, they will eat dirt. (This stored energy
is utilized fully during the rising process, after which, the
zombie’s power bar descends from 100% to Slow.)

Houses

Perfect for living
in. Fortunately, the walking dead are attracted to such structures,
beating on the front and back doors and smashing the windows, trying
desperately to get in. Do not misplace any kind of key. Do not shoot
at locked gas tanks out of frustration. Do not hide in the basement.
DO tie up and gag dangerous humans who only argue and further
complicate the situation. DO watch the news. DO search the house
thoroughly for dead bodies before use. Be sure to board up all doors
and windows – do so using solid boards that you can’t
punch through.

This is not to keep
them out, but to keep them in – as many as possible! DO hide in
the attic. Zombies cannot jump and pull down the attic door. In
keeping with your goal to obtain a zombie sample, help a zombie up
into the attic. Rob the zombie of its organs and then kill it in the
head. Once the house is full of zombies, cook them with a
flamethrower and jump out the window.

Mansions

Keep track of all
keys, safety pins, CD’s, jewels, and professionally shaped
stones. Keep all green and blue plants you find for future medicinal
use. Make sure to push and check under statues, crates, and desks –
also use to access hard to reach places.

Do not go outside
until a helicopter is heard. Be suspicious of individuals, military
or otherwise, that speak in an unusually corny manner.

Churches

Chances of
encountering Zombie Nuns, Zombie Priests, and Child Zombies are high.
Only enter a church when absolutely necessary: If you are healthy and
are hunting, if you hunger, if you are being chased, if you are sore,
or if your sidekick experiences any of the above.

Weapons that can be
found in churches are – but not limited to – crosses,
colorful window panels (or shards), weighty bibles, and oversized,
priest-dressing gowns, which can be used as Blinding Blankets.

Supermarkets

Ideal for meals and
restroom facilities. Be sure to turn off sliding glass doors and to
remove magical, door-opening mat. Barricade glass doors. Once you are
well fed and satisfied, open the doors and allow entrance to a zombie
so you can extract a sample.

If additional,
redundant zombies break through the glass doors due to insurmountable
numbers and amazing teamwork, hide in the storage room and obstruct
door. Wait until it is quiet, then exit store.

Bathrooms

…in gas
stations and schools and beaches are special hideaways for the
zombie. They can be found in the last stall, which is almost always
closed. Take this test: Sit in an empty stall next to the suspect.
Pretend to be using the toilet – flush even, to make it more
realistic.

Now wait. If you hear
a steady stream of fertilizer for more than an hour, the person in
the next stall is a zombie. If no weapon is available, use tubing or
rods found in the toilet. If you are being attacked and find yourself
locked in a bathroom, climb out of the window to escape. If you are
in an apartment high-rise DO NOT climb out the window.

Boats

Sometimes housing
dead bodies that have died at sea due to desperate drinking of salt
water and insanity via Agoraphobia.

Mountains

You can find frozen
zombies here!

Shopping Malls

Every year, at least
50 zombies are reported over police radios – seen walking
through mall parking lots and disturbing shy security guards. As a
hunter, it would be wise of you to disguise yourself as a security
guard to get close to such a zombie and kidnap it. On your first day
on the job as a security guard, whether you are female or male,
introduce yourself as Slack and shake hands. Make sure it is strong,
yet gentle. Then sit down.

Cabins (BONUS)

Although cabins are
associated more with demons, you are likely to find yourself in such
a place as a result of a zombie hunt; therefore, caution must still
be used. Things to watch out for: unseen, screaming force; dancing
corpses, laughing furniture, basement doors, attacking trees, demonic
possessions, blood-filled walls, criminals hiding loot under trees,
flying 1973 Oldsmobile Delta Royales “The Classic”, and
time portals. It is advised that you do not go into a cabin and
instead seek shelter up a tree.

Food

What is
Starvation?

A state of extreme
hunger, resulting from lack of essential nutrients over a prolonged
period.

Just like a zombie,
we too hunger. Food equals energy and energy equals triumph. Have
food on you at all times. Keep water in your backpack and meat in
your pocket. As zombie hunter Megg Wright once wrote, “I have a
cheeseburger in my back pocket.”

There are two types
of starvation: Intentional and Accidental. We shall examine all two
in basic detail.

1. Intentional