Get Zombie: 8-Book Set (26 page)

Do not give them the
satisfaction.

Do all that you can
to please them and continue with your mission.

Searching the Zombie

Undead Clues

When scavenging an
area, be it cemetery or mall, remember to keep an eye out for
telltale signs of a zombie’s presence. Dead bodies or discarded
limbs are obvious signs. Deserted towns with questionable bloodstains
are another. You may find – to your surprise – a rather
hefty amount of zombie dung. This is natural. The zombie belly is
weak and sometimes torn, releasing fecal matter without the walking
dead even noticing.

When encountering
this substance, put it in a clear plastic bag and instruct your
sidekick to smell the dung. The goal is to know whether the material
is fresh or not. If it is odorless, then you have nothing to fear;
the threat is far from you. But if your sidekick gags or begins to
shake violently or even collapses – WATCH OUT. For you may be
in grave danger of an attack.

(For more effective
results, order your sidekick to stick their finger into the dung and
then put their finger into their mouth. The hunter then asks if it is
hot or cold.)

Look for open
mausoleums or upturned coffins or overturned cars. Command your
sidekick to tie a color-coded ribbon on all broken tree branches.

The color codes are
as follows:

a) RED –
Intense Zombie Action

b) PINK
– Semi-Intense Zombie Action

c) LIGHT
PINK – Low Semi-Intense Zombie Action

d) BLACK
– No

Encircle any or all
crop circles with a string.

Remember to take
photographs of all evidence, no matter how diminutive or useless.

When traveling
through the woods, make sure to tag your trail to make for easy
navigation back to your base of operations. You can do this by tying
colorful ribbons onto trees, carrying along a very large ball of
yarn, or laying tiny circles of God bread onto the ground (be sure to
nail the bread into the dirt to discourage animal mouths).

Trapping the Zombie

Creating Zombie
Traps

Due to the undead’s
extremely unpredictable nature, making a trap requires not only
physical strength, but also intelligence. You must know which traps
to use effectively, judging by your surroundings.

THE DRY GROUND TRAP

Connect empty soda
pop cans to a good length of fishing line. Tie the fishing line
around the base of the trees surrounding your campsite. When the
zombie makes contact with your trap, not only will you be alerted,
the zombie will fall to the ground and be tangled in the good length
of fishing line. The more strength it puts into its struggle, the
more tauter and lethal the wire will become, until eventually, the
zombie will sever its own hands, legs, shoulders, back, chest, knees,
thighs, and/or torso. If luck permits, the head will also be cut.

THE MUD TRAP

If you find yourself
in the depressing situation of being in a rainy environment, this
trap will prove quite effective. Climb up a tree with a large
Blinding Blanket. Throw the blanket (which will no doubt be heavy,
resulting from the humidity) over the zombie(s). It will fall to the
ground, confounded. Jump down and hit it on the head with a weapon to
ensure brain damage. Wash the Blinding Blanket with rainwater to
guarantee future use, and cover the zombie with mud to contain any
flaming odors.

THE LAKE TRAP

Sit in a boat in the
middle of a lake with your hands laid neatly on your lap. Your
sidekick will be on land, getting the dead’s attention by
waving his arms in the air, topless and making raccoon sounds. He
will then dive into the lake and swim toward the boat. When the
zombies notice him, they will moan and follow into the lake. They
will soon be wandering the bottom of the lake, reaching up to
apprehend you. At this point, reveal your trident – which can
be made by fixing a knife or fork to the end of a bamboo shoot –
and simply stick it into the brains of the zombies. Your sidekick
will be at the bottom of your boat, informing you of each confirmed
kill by pulling on a piece of string that shall be attached to a bell
around the hunter’s neck. If said bell does not ring for a
period of 60 minutes, the hunter must assess the situation and paddle
back to land as quickly as possible.

BONUS: THE GIANT
SWING

Basically a giant log
attached to ropes, this trap must be pulled back high-up into the
trees. When the threat is seen, the ropes will be cut and the giant
log shall come down and make brutal contact with the zombie(s). They
will explode on contact. The use of ponchos is advised. This trap has
been tested and approved by the Navy SEALS when battling
extraterrestrials in dense forests.

Containing The
Zombie

If you decide for
some reason to NOT kill your zombie, and instead wish to contain the
beast, do so by tying a blindfold over their eyes and securing their
hands and feet with wire. After wrapping the zombie in a thick
blanket and pelting it with rocks, attach the wiggling body to a long
pole to be carried off.

Do this in a marching
manner to instill confidence.

Obtaining The
Zombie “sample”

A variety of samples
must be obtained for future scientific and religious analysis. A dry
stool sample is by no means enough, and the permanent containment of
a zombie is no guarantee. Below you will find a list of undead
samples and how to gather them, safely. (The following must be done
on an “animated” zombie before death to ensure freshness.
IMPORTANT: Be sure to tie down zombie prior to sample extraction.
Wear plastic gloves at all times.)

Live Stool

If the zombie’s
belly is open and the intestines are missing, insert hand into anus
and proceed to interrogate area. Dung should be lingering at the
base. After cupping a handful of fresh fecal matter, put into
see-through Ziploc bag and store at room temperature. Remove gloves
and wash hands at an amazing speed.

Tongue

Have your sidekick
open the zombie’s mouth. While attempting to extract the tongue
with a sharp utensil, for example, an Attack Fork, be ready for
sudden throat spitting. This can be anticipated by a distinct
gurgling sound coming from the throat. Goggles are advised. Grip
tongue, pull, and cut slowly to guarantee competence. Remember to
breathe in through the mouth and exhale out the nose. The zombie –
although in theory cannot feel pain – will cry out in
excruciating agony. Earmuffs are recommended, but not necessary, as
well as nosemuffs.

Eyes/Legs/Arms/Back

Not considered
necessary.

Disposal

After the re-death of
a member of the walking dead, disposal is necessary in guaranteeing
that no child or animal will eat the corpse and become future
zombies.

Burning a zombie –
or a group of zombies – although useful for undead body parts,
is generally considered by professionals an idiotic idea. History has
shown many examples of factories or ignorant mobs incinerating
zombies, resulting in the ill effect of their ashes carried up into
the rain clouds by wind and washed over cemeteries. The outcome is
painfully obvious and depressing: Corpse Reanimation.

Burial is the best
option.

After you have cut
the corpse into tiny pieces, seal the remains in concrete. Bury the
body parts in a deep hole. Follow through by pouring concrete over
the burial to discourage plant growth. Be sure to scare away any kind
of wildlife that might be watching, and judging you.

Fight

Proper Zombie
Calling

Waiting for a zombie
can take hours, sometimes even years. The duck whistle can be very
successful.

A zombie can hear
this sound from miles away. Caution must be used when zombie calling,
for the results can sometimes be amazing. In one tale, a hunter in
Egypt made a zombie call and two seconds later dead hands shot up
through the desert and pulled him halfway into the sands. He was
found the next day, deceased, and bleeding from below the eyes. When
they pulled him out from the sand, his pants were gone.

The men and women
fled the scene screeching, leaving the body under the hot sun.

His fingers were
still in his mouth.

Proper Human
Identification

Before attack, the
hunter must first identify the suspect as either human or zombie. It
is sometimes impossible to distinguish the two. Confusing humans
include (but not limited to), the retarded, the elderly, the
massively ill, and the handicapped. Remember that the murder of a
human is unacceptable and is illegal in many states, save for Texas.

Canada experiences
zero murders.

Canada is much like
America, only without the guns.

Identification can be
done easily by using a Human Identification Call. WARNING: Before you
initiate the call, it is of the utmost importance that you be
absolutely sure no more than 3 zombies are in the perimeter.

Proper procedure is
as follows:

1. Put your weapon
down at your feet.

2. Make sure that the
suspect is at least 10 feet away from you.

3. Wave at the
suspect and call out “Dolphin Masters Strike Again!” The
confusing phrase is intentional. No human is able to not respond in
question. If said suspect does not respond, jump up and down while
waving your arms.

4. If the suspect
waves back (but does not jump up and down), refrain from smiling and
walking towards them. Analyze their arms: Are the arms being fed on
by other suspicious individuals? Do insects fall out of the arms?
(The average human does NOT have insects in their arms, no matter how
retarded they are.) Does the waving hand suddenly go into the owner’s
mouth and pull out intestine? Is the suspect who is waving the hand
eating its other hand? Is the suspect waving a severed hand? Does the
suspect use their feet to wave? (Studies in Hawaii have shown that
certain living individuals with rickets do indeed wave with their
feet.)

5. If the suspect
DOES wave in return and jump up and down, yell out to them, using
polite phrases such as: “Hi! My name is…” “Dear
friend, I want to know you” “Your current clothing
pleases me” “Your current face displeases me. I’m
polite” “I understand your front” “She puts
the lotion in the basket or she gets the hose again” “When
I wave so lovingly it means that I cherish, so sweat” “You
will give me a positive fever” “Hallelujah, I am hungry
in a merry manner, and you did it” “Oh Jonathan, you are
really Jo Nathan” “The bullets inside are so hot, why do
I feel so cold?” “There shall be no fighting in my mouth”
“You please my uterus, I kiss your toes, it’s fair”.

6. If the suspect
yells out in a response similar to “Yes?” “No?”
“I don’t know?” “Call it” “Come
here” “Go there” “I come to you” “I
love to you” “I hate” “I woo” “I
thank you” “I bathe you” “You flatter”
“You flatten” “We touch you, it’s fine”
“Gun wounds again?” “Drop it like it’s hot”
“Lift it like it’s cold” “Put up or shut up”
“I pooped a nail” “Who gave you nerves to get
killed here?” then immediately assume that she/he is human and
proceed to comfort and cherish them. If you feel compelled, hold
them. It’s encouraged.

7. If you identify
the suspect – without question – as a zombie due to lack
of proper response, you must massacre them devoid of remorse.

The FEAR of
Killing

It is in our nature
as humans to fear things such as knives, guns, loud dogs, crossing
streets, God, angry cats, babies, fighting women, pumas, birds
fighting birds, airplanes, flying in airplanes, dying, lying, and
lovemaking.

Murdering another
thing is no exception.

As a Hunter of The
Undead, it is imperative that you realize that a zombie is NOT
living; therefore, there is nothing to fear. If you still have
trepidation, do not worry. When you come face-to-face with the undead
and the time comes to defend yourself, the odds are you WILL attack –
and you WILL murder.

Fighting Against A
Zombie And/Or His Parts

As with an infant,
there is more to a zombie than simple groaning and lumbering. One
must not be fooled by how they present themselves; moreover, even
after annihilation of the undead corpse, the hunter must also
anticipate the devious undead limb.

In both cases,
knowledge of the zombie physique and a careful plan of attack must be
developed beforehand. An undead limb is quite multitalented and
persistent, able to attack regardless of terrain or opponent and can
travel many miles without food.

A detached
zombie-mouth has been witnessed trekking 1,026 days on its own power
without food or water, uphill. The hunter must always keep a watchful
eye for the undead mouth. Due to its small size and astounding
mouth-strength, an attack would be amazingly confusing and
depressing. The undead arm (with hand) is the most lethal body part.
Be careful when handling such an appendage. Stand at least three feet
away from it. Do not poke it with a stick. Do not touch it in
wonderment.

As with any other
undead body branch, it will have a will of its own and a deep desire
to kill you via three ways: Strangulation, The shoving of fingers
down the throat, and Passionate eye gauging. Do not play with the
appendage. Do not hold it close to your face or any part of your body
below the waist, and, most importantly, do not put your mouth on it.
If your reasoning is to bite it to death, you will find your actions
futile. However, you may jump on it, heatedly.

Chopping then burning
the body part is suggested.

Forms of Zombie
Attack, or: HOW THEY TRICK YOU

The zombie is a being
driven by an unseen/unknown force, bent on devouring you. It is an
obsessed entity. It will walk many miles, break any wall, crawl
through the snow, sit in the rain, ride any animal, and even walk
through fire to get to YOU – the hunter.