Fully Restored (13 page)

Dad came running back out with a horde of nurses and doctors, pushing a wheelchair. They opened the door and two men in scrubs lifted me into the chair. I noticed the seat of the car was soaked in my blood. Huh.

They rushed me into the ER, and into a room, where a nurse was waiting with a syringe of something. They were all speaking, but I didn’t hear them. I heard nothing. I saw nothing. I felt nothing. There was a slight pinch on my arm and my world went fuzzy before I blacked out again. I liked the dark. In the dark, I was alone. When I was alone, I couldn’t love. When I couldn’t love, I wouldn’t hurt anyone. The dark was my friend. I embraced it.

Brock

I didn’t sleep. I couldn’t. I knew, in my gut, something had happened. When morning rolled around and I still hadn’t heard anything and neither Teagan nor her dad were answering their phones, I knew it was bad. I could only imagine what had happened if Summer had sought her out last night and found her.

When I didn’t hear anything by noon, I drove over to her house to talk to her. I need to see what Summer said and fix this. I had to fix this. Teagan can’t leave me, I love her. I need her. When I told her I was falling, that was a lie, because I wasn’t falling anymore. I already fell. I loved her. 

When I pulled up to the house, her car was there but her dad’s wasn’t. Good, if she was alone it would make it easier to talk to her. I don’t want to have to deal with her dad and her at the same time. Shit. Her dad. If he knew, and I couldn’t fix this, I was going to lose my job. Fuck.

I knocked on the door for a good 5 minutes before resigning myself to the fact that they weren’t home. I had to find her. I had to make this right. I got in my car and began to drive aimlessly around town, looking for Jonathan’s ‘Cuda. It wasn’t like there were a lot of them in town. But she could be anywhere. I was completely fucked. There was nothing I could do until I found and talked to her. I finally gave up the search and headed home to wait.

*****

By the time Monday morning rolled around, I still hadn’t heard anything. When I got to work, the boss’ office was dark and everyone was in the bay area working hard already. Having no other options, I grabbed a work order from the stack and pulled the corresponding car into my bay to get to work. Maybe keeping busy would keep my mind off my problems for a short time. I was so tired. I hadn’t slept since Teagan had been with me. My bed still smelled like her. It was both heaven and hell, smelling her but not being able to hold her.

By noon I was so focused on keeping busy I didn’t hear Jonathan come in. I heard someone clear their throat and looked up to see him with his arms crossed, looking ragged and tired, waiting for me at the door to his office.

“Brock, can I speak with you for a moment?”

Shit. This was it. I was fucked and I hadn’t even had the chance to make it better. I wiped my hands on a dirty rag and headed to him. When I walked into his office he shut the door and motioned for me to sit down. This was going to be bad.

“I don’t know where to begin. Obviously things aren’t okay in mine and Teagan’s world right now. I don’t know how much she shared with you about her past, but I know you know some. I suspect now that you know even more than you let on with her.”

He looked at me with anger, almost hatred, in his eyes.

“I don’t know how much of what that Bitch said was true, but if even a little of it was, I need you to leave Teagan alone. Forever. If you had even the smallest part in her past bullying, and didn’t have the balls to own up to it with her upfront, you aren’t nearly close to the man I hoped you were. I gave you a chance here and you fucked it. I don’t believe that shit about you dating my daughter because you feel bad for her, or bad about your part in her past. What I do believe is that you were a part of those rumors in her past that drove her to attempt suicide. I believe you have grown up since then, and the past is the past, I don’t think you would ever start rumors about her again. I do need to know the truth though. Were you really a part of those rumors? Did you encourage my daughter to think that killing herself was preferential to being seen at school? That she was so worthless and so horrible that she actually needed to kill herself to make the world a better place. You need to give me some answers, now.”

Shit. Summer not only told her about my past but told her I was only dating her out of pity? That was seriously fucked up. And Teagan was just self-conscious enough to believe it. She always said she didn’t see what I saw in her, didn’t get why I was with her. FUCK. This was so bad.

I took a deep breath and bared my soul to her dad.

“I was a terrible teenager. I did some absolutely horrendous things in my youth, not the least of which was doing drugs and losing my scholarship. I was a part of the rumors. I was a stupid, self-centered boy who didn’t know the full consequences of his actions. I don’t know what you heard, or what Teagan was told, but yes, I am guilty of spreading those rumors. I made a poor decision because the girl I thought was cute didn’t even know I existed. I wanted her to notice me. It didn’t work. Turns out even after those rumors, she still didn’t know I who I was.”

I paused to gather my thoughts. Her father was red, his hands clenching and unclenching. I needed to get this out before he laid me out on the floor.

“When I came back to town and saw her at the fair, she was even more beautiful than I remembered her being. I had crushed on her so bad all the way through high school and she never knew who I was. So I started stupid rumors hoping she would hunt me down to stop them. She didn’t. What she did do has haunted me ever since. When I found her at the fair, I asked her over and over if she knew who I was. I thought that since she didn’t know, she had moved on, and I could. But I couldn’t. The more we got to know each other, the closer we got, the guiltier I felt. She hasn’t moved on. She’s barely functioning still. And it’s all my fault. I was going to tell her, I needed to tell her. I just, I knew when I did, it would be over. She wouldn’t want to be with me after she knew what I had done. So I was selfish and kept putting it off. I’m so sorry for what I did. I was a terrible bully and I made a beautiful soul doubt herself enough to try and commit suicide. There are no words for how sorry I am for my part in that. I am so sorry sir. I love her. I love Teagan with all that I am, but there’s nothing I can do to undo the past. It’s over now, isn’t it?” I had tears running down my face. I hadn’t cried in so long. Now, this was breaking me.

Her dad stood, walked around his desk and stopped in front of me.

“I want to believe you. I want to think that you truly love her and are sorry for your part in this whole thing. But I can’t. Maybe you do love her, but if you truly did, you would have done everything to tell her the truth in a way she could process it and help her to move on. Instead, you let her use you as a crutch, thinking you were healing her, when in reality you knew all along you were going to end her. Hurt her. Damn it. I let you do it! I let you date her! She loved you! She fucking believed in you. Now, she’s broken.”

He was sobbing too now. Two grown men, crying in his office, over the same woman.

“Do you know where she is? What I spent my weekend doing? She’s in the hospital. She had a mental break. I found her on the floor of her bathroom, in a puddle of her own blood!”

Oh my God.  I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t listen to him tell me about how much I had hurt her. I had done it again, forced her to try to end it again. A gut-wrenching cry left my mouth. My heart was shattering with each beat. I was so guilty. Why didn’t I tell her from the start? Why did I have to pursue her when I knew, I fucking KNEW the truth would hurt her? Because I was still the same fucking selfish boy. Her dad continued,

“I had to pick up my near comatose daughter off the floor, covered in her own blood, and rush her to the hospital. She’s medicated now. I don’t know how long she will be there, but she’s right back where she started. And again, it’s your fault. Just like it was all those years ago.

“I can’t fire you, due process and all that crap. But I can make life hell for you here. If I were you, I would start looking elsewhere because all those guys out there, they love Teagan as much as I do and when they find out where she is? Your ass is toast. And I won’t do anything to stop it. You are a fucking waste of air. You’ve almost cost me my daughter twice now. Fucking get out of my office, you’re done for the day. I don’t want to see your ass here for a while. You’re using your sick days for the time being. Maybe in a few days I will at least be able to stand being around your ass. Until then, leave.”

I stood. I deserved every second of his hatred. I deserved it and so much more. He was right. I had almost cost him his daughter twice now. I don’t know how I did it, but I walked out to my car and drove home.

When I got home, I stripped naked and crawled into my bed, where, all alone, with no one to judge, I cried myself to sleep. My heart was broken and my girl was gone and it was all my fault.

Chapter Twelve

Teagan

I
sat in the pale colored room, hugging my knees to my chest, staring blankly out of the window. I couldn’t tell you what was out there. I couldn’t tell you what color the sky was or if it was even day or night. I didn’t care. I just sat. Stared. Occasionally I blinked, but only when the pain in my eyes got so bad my body forced me to, an involuntary attempt of my body to continue to take care of itself, even if I didn’t want it to.

I don’t know how many days it has been since the incident with Summer. I don’t really care. I exist purely because of the work of a multitude of doctors, medicines, and a complete lack of anything even remotely usefully to hurt myself. I hadn’t meant to try and die that night, however long ago it was now. I just wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to feel something else, something other than the shattering of my heart. Pain like I didn’t know existed was racking my body and I wanted it to end. The doctors said I had lost nearly 2 pints of blood and had required a transfusion. I wish they hadn’t. My dad should have left me alone.

I know, he wouldn’t. I mean, I’m his daughter, right? But I wish he had. He could have his house back, not have to worry about dating and bringing his date home. My poor dad. I wonder when the last time he had sex was? How selfish was I? I was keeping my dad from moving on and being happy. He deserves a wife, someone to love him and take care of him. Not an adult daughter who can’t function in the world and needs her daddy to take care of her.

There was a knock on my door, and a nurse stuck her head in. The door wasn’t shut. It wasn’t allowed to ever be shut. I had no privacy or secrets here.

“Teagan, it’s time for therapy. Let’s go girl, gonna get you better. You’ll see. Life is still beautiful. Dr. Munroe is waitin’.”

My nurse this morning was a short black woman with amazing green eyes. Kind eyes. Eyes that showed too much, because right now they were showing me how much she pitied me. She was beautiful. I wish I was beautiful, maybe then I could find a purpose in life. Help others or something, like she did. I glanced at her name card hanging around her neck, it said Karina.

I stood to go with her, not saying anything. The nurses here were used to that. There was an almost unnatural silence on this wing of the hospital, as if everyone was afraid to speak because if we did this all would become real. The pain, the emptiness, it would be real if we spoke. So we didn’t. When we passed each other in the halls, we made eye contact, briefly acknowledging that yes, we do exist still. But no words were exchanged.

I followed Nurse Karina down the hall to Dr. Munroe’s office. I’ve been seeing him for an hour every day since I’ve been here. I have group therapy sessions as well. Those suck too because no one wants to talk about why they are here. None of us wants to acknowledge how fucked up we really are. The people who do, they aren’t here for long. They leave and move on with their lives, hopefully. Some come back.

Dr. Munroe was a handsome man, somewhere in his mid-sixties. He had photos all over his office of his family. He had three beautiful daughters, all married and living on their own, with children and husbands. They were all living the dream, handsome husbands, nice house, picket fence, 2.5 children and a dog. Sometimes during my sessions in here I would drift off, imagining I was the one in the photo, holding the baby and smiling for the camera at the beach.

The doctor smiled kindly at me as I went to my customary seat on the couch. Typical shrink office.

“How are you feeling today Teagan?”

Ha! I think I knew a song like this once, only it was about Henry the 8
th
.  Second verse, same as the first.

“I don’t know. I don’t feel anything if I’m being honest.”

“That’s still a feeling Teagan, feeling numb is still a feeling. It’s okay for now, but I want you to start to feel again. Life isn’t meant to watch from the outside, you have to live it, feel it, do it. Tell me, what was the last feeling you had?”

“Anger. Hurt. Sadness. Pain. Despair. Loss. Love. So many feelings, all at once. Too many.”

“That’s good Teagan. Tell me about these. Why did you feel all those emotions at once?”

“The person I love betrayed me. Twice.” I told him.

“Tell me about this person”

“I’d rather not. He doesn’t exist anymore. I do. I don’t want to but I do. He can’t exist if I do, because then the feelings will come back and I can’t handle them. I don’t want to hurt again like that. Ever.”

“So, this person is the only reason for your actions? That’s a lot of power for one person. Almost like God, the power to take another’s life. Are you certain you want to give this person all that power over you?”

Huh. Was that what I was doing? Was I giving Brock the power to make or break me? Had my happiness relied solely on him? That’s a lot of weight for one person to carry. I know because I feel like that about my dad sometimes, like he is so alone and so I stay with him. Wow. Now that’s a new thought. Maybe I was sacrificing my own happiness in life to make sure my dad and others were happy first. I certainly had the money to live on my own. I even had dreams of opening my own shop one day to rebuild cars, but I gave that up to be a good daughter. Only, staying at home was also hurting my dad in that he couldn’t move on. In my attempt to make him happy, I was making both of us unhappy.

The doctor seemed to notice that I was contemplating something new, as he didn’t question me further for a moment. Eventually he asked one final question, “When was the last time you were happy Teagan? Really, on your own two feet, happy.”

On my own? I’ve never been on my own. I was with dad, then I was with Brock. And looking at both those relationships, I seemed to rely on them for validation. I needed my dad and Brock to tell me I was okay. I haven’t been okay on my own since, ever.

When I left therapy, I was still thinking about this. Maybe it was time for me to learn to be happy on my own. To let my dad move on, to let Brock know he’s not the same kid from high school and I don’t need him to help me feel okay. I don’t need his pity and efforts to rebuild me. I need to rebuild me on my own. The question was, how and was I ready?

*****

Four days later I was still sitting in the same position in my room, staring out of the window. Only now, I could see the sun and hear the birds. I want to be out there, sun in my face. Ever since that session with Dr. Munroe earlier this week, I’ve been making progress in healing. This time it feels different from my last stint here. Last time, I felt like I had to get better because my dad needed me. He needed me to take care of him, wash the clothes, cook his meals. I got better for him. This time, I’m focusing on me. It’s about time I did stuff for me.

Meghan visits me every day and we talk. We talk about everything, but mostly about love. She’s moving in with Justin this weekend. They’re gonna give this love thing a shot. She’s terrified but can’t see her life without him now. He makes her happy. It seems both of us have actively been avoiding doing things that make us happy, me to make others happy, her because she was scared that happy would end right when she got it.

I’m proud of her. Justin’s a great guy and she deserves to be loved. I’m slowly coming to the conclusion that I too deserve to be loved and happy. Maybe Brock really did love me, I wouldn’t know because I wasn’t going to ask or see him again and had asked Meghan not to tell me how he was or what he was doing. As much as I wanted to know, if he was hurting or not, if he missed me or if Summer really was right and he was just with me to make up for his past indiscretions, I didn’t want to know. I needed to move on and learn how to be happy on my own before I could worry about his happiness as well.

The doctor had helped me see how unfair it had been for me to place all the responsibility for making and keeping me happy on the people around me. It wasn’t my dad’s job. Sure, he wanted me happy, who wouldn’t want their daughter happy? But to make it his job to keep me happy? That had to be exhausting. No wonder he didn’t date often. Or let the dates progress past one or two dates. He always had an excuse, drinking too much, laughing too loud. Now I see he was focusing on the negatives of his dates so he wouldn’t want to move forward. He couldn’t. He was stuck on repeat with me.

These was a knock on my door and I looked up to see the man in question, my dad. He had a big smile.

“So, today’s the day? Are you sure you’re ready? It’s only been 2 weeks. You don’t need to hurry. I want you better more than I want you out of here, you know. As much as I miss you at home, I’m surviving. I haven’t burned the house down yet and I’m not starving.”

See. Putting off his own happiness his whole life to make sure I am okay. It’s time to move forward. I nodded at him.

“I’m so ready. I got the nurse to get me a newspaper yesterday and I went through the classifieds looking for a condo to rent. I highlighted the ones I’m interested in. Tomorrow I’m gonna go look at them. I love you dad, but it’s time for me to grow up and move out. I am going to focus on me now. I’m gonna be happy
for
me for the first time. Gonna do what makes me
me
. Find out who I really am. I’m more than just your daughter, your mechanic, Brock’s girlfriend, even the pinup. I need to find out what makes me happy.”

“As sad as I am to let you go, I’m really happy for you Teagan. You’ve made a lot of progress this week and I’m so proud. You know you are always welcome to stay at the house, but I’m glad you’re gonna do what you want to for once. Don’t think I don’t know you’ve given up dreams to take care of me. Doesn’t mean I won’t be worrying my ass off all day every day. Shit this is gonna be hard.”

I smiled. Of course he knew, he’s a smart man.

“I have a lot of money saved so I’ve got some time to figure it out. I won’t be coming back to work for you though dad, I hope that’s okay?”

His smile dropped a little.

“Its fine sweetheart. Do what you want, find a job you like, doing something that makes you happy. But I will keep a job open for you at all times; you’re always welcome to come back to the shop.”

“I know dad and I appreciate that. I just don’t think I could work there anymore with Brock working there too. I know Summer made up a lot of what she said that night, Dr. Munroe helped me to see that she played right into my insecurities. However, if I’m that easy to hurt, something needs to be done. The fact I was so fast to believe her, in fact, I think in my head, I wanted someone to say all that because I really didn’t feel worthy of Brock as it was. I just couldn’t rationalize why he would be with me. I forgive him for his part in my high school debacle, but I’m not ready to go back there. I’m not strong enough. I’m afraid if he were to apologize and beg for me back, I would go and I would find myself right back where I was. Relying on him for my happiness.”

Because, as much as I forgive him for his past, I still hate him for his present. I hate that he didn’t tell me. I hate that I am so weak that he couldn’t tell me because he knew what would happen. What did happen.

My dad smiled big, “Baby, it makes me so happy to hear all this from you. I’ve been so scared for you for so long. You’ve been so fragile, I’ve felt like anything could shatter you at any time. As much as I dislike Brock for this, I love the fact that you are coming out stronger. Plus- he’s an amazing mechanic and I don’t want to have to get rid of him when you can’t work together.”

He smirked. He would get rid of him in a flash if it made me happy, but I’m not putting that on him.

The nurse showed up with my discharge papers, making sure I had appointments for therapy set up already with my doctor outside the hospital. I may not need to stay here any longer, but that didn’t mean I was done with therapy. I still have a long way to go.

I took my papers with a smile and grabbed my small bag of belongings.

“Let’s blow this popsicle stand.”

My dad smiled and I giggled. I was happy. I was going to be okay. Maybe not right away, but eventually, this time, I was going to be okay.

Brock

Two weeks. It’s been two weeks since I’ve seen or heard from Teagan. Two weeks of hell. Her dad and I have managed to work out some kind of truce where we both don’t acknowledge the other exists. I go to work, work hard, and come home every night to an empty house. For a while I couldn’t bring myself to wash the sheets because they smelled like her. When the scent was gone, I couldn’t wash them because of the memories. I had to wash them eventually, but I was a mess when I did. I felt like a girl, getting teary eyed and emotional over my sheets. Who the fuck was I?

One day last week, when I was forced out of sheer necessity to leave the house for food, I ran into Meghan at the grocery store. I knew I looked like hell, but seeing it on her face was a bit of a shock too. She ran over and gave me a hug. I wasn’t expecting that. I expected her to hate me as well.

“Oh Brock, I’m so sorry. I wish I had known so I could help you figure out how to tell her without breaking her. I don’t, for one second, believe what Summer said. I don’t think, in her heart, Teagan does either. She’s just always been so fragile and Summer knew exactly what buttons to push to cause her to break. I fucking hate that bitch. Justin and I are here for you, you know. I know you love her, that you never meant to hurt her. Even her dad knows, he’s just so angry about the whole situation he can’t see straight. He’ll get over it. She’s getting better, you know. Slowly.”

I took a deep breath. I couldn’t believe Meghan was still on my side. Well, both our sides. It gave me hope that someday, somehow, I could make this better. I could get Teagan back and tell her I loved her. I needed her.

Since that day at the grocery store, Meghan has been calling to keep me updated on Teagan’s progress. She has even invited me over a few times for dinner with her and Justin. They moved in together sometime recently and seem to be doing really well. I like Justin, he’s a cool guy. Since Teagan’s gone, Meghan and Justin are my only friends. I work, hang out with them, and work on the house.

The house is definitely benefiting from all this free time and energy. I ripped up the carpet from the entire house to find amazing hardwood under it. I’ve been sanding and refinishing it, working on it every night. Got nothing else to do. If I don’t do something, I sit and think about Teagan and that hurts. So, to avoid pain, I focus on the house. It’s starting to look pretty good. I can’t wait to show Teagan.