Fully Restored (12 page)

“Teagan, gonna come. Get yourself there, now. Nownownow.”

I was chanting. Sitting up and leaning back, adjusting the angle of her body so that I hit her in just the spot with each thrust and rock, she used one hand to rub circles around her clit. Fast.

“Gonna come Brock. Now. Coming.” She cried out, breathlessly.

With one last snap of my hips I came fiercely into her. Pulse after pulse of come shot out of me. Her muscles rippled around me, milking me, extending my orgasm. Teagan collapsed on top of me, both of us breathing as if we had run a marathon. Sex with Teagan was simply out of this world. Nothing could ever, or would ever, compare.

Teagan lifted her head, “Mornin’ Moo.”

I laughed. “Moo? Really. Now?”

Teagan giggled. Like really, little girl, light-hearted, giggled. “You are my Moo. Master Of Orgasms.”

Master. Of. Fucking. Orgasms. Just the word master out of her lips made me start to get hard again, after the best sex ever. Best fucking name ever. The guys could moo at me all they wanted. I was the master of Teagan’s fucking orgasms. I felt a million miles tall.

“Love that babe. Love being your master. Love being yours.” I told her.

She smiled, “Love being yours too Brock.”

With that we snuggled for a few more moments before my stomach loudly proclaimed breakfast time. I carefully removed the condom and tossed it into the trash next to the bed before rolling out and taking Teagan with me. I walked naked to the kitchen and placed her on the counter while I worked on finding something edible. I was doing better on keeping food in the house now that we were here so often. I loved her dad and all, but man, I wasn’t willing to have sex in a house while my boss, my girlfriend’s father, was down the hall. Plus, I really liked having naked Teagan around. Definitely couldn’t do that at her house. 

I popped two bagels into the toaster and got out the cream cheese. Teagan hopped off the counter and started coffee, “I think morning sex is better than coffee. Who needs caffeine when you have Brock in bed with you?”

I lifted a brow, “No one else has Brock in bed with them. They need their caffeine. Let’s give them a moment of silence to mourn their pitiful existence.”

Teagan bust out laughing. Snorting. I loved this on her, the freedom and joy she now had. I liked being to one to make her laugh and smile.

“Well, I don’t have to worry about your ego any time soon.”

“Babe, I have you…Obviously I am gonna have an ego. Other men get to dream of all that is you, I get to hold it, treasure it. It’s mine. They should be jealous. Insane with it,” I told her.

Her face lit up and she blushed all the way down her neck.

“I don’t think others see the same me you do. But I am glad for the me you do see. I am glad that I am starting to see the me you see too. I like that me. I like the me I am with Brock,” she said.

I liked the person she was with me too. Only, I hoped she wasn’t just that because of me. I wanted her to be that for her too. I wanted to be everything for her, but I also wanted her to be everything for herself. I think we’re getting there, I hope we are. Because the more time passes, the closer we get to the possibility of her leaving me. Just that thought shot my good mood to hell.

“What? What did I say?”

Shit. I tried to smile and regain my former pleasant feelings, “Nothing. Just thinking that I won’t get to hold you tonight and wake up that way tomorrow.”

Teagan smiled, “I need to head home after breakfast to get ready for my girls night with Meghan. Something is up. Ever since we dropped her off last weekend drunk and had Justin come take care of her, she’s been different. I need to spend some time with her, thank you for giving me that. Maybe, after, I could come here instead of going home?” she asked, questioningly. Like I would ever turn that down.

Mentally fist pumping I told her of course and she smiled, giving me a quick peck on the lips before heading back to the room to get dressed. When she came back I had the bagels and coffee ready for her. She snagged the to go cup and took a bite.

“Get some clothes Brock. As much as I love you naked, I am not willing to share that with the rest of the city. Dressed. Now.” With a smack on the ass she sent me on my way.

My happy mood temporarily restored, I dressed and we locked up and headed back to her house. After giving her a kiss at the door, and thanking all the Gods I could think of that her dad wasn’t around to see her coming home looking so well fucked, I turned and headed home.

I had to stop on the way home for gas in the truck and a few miscellaneous items for the house project I planned on tackling this afternoon. Whatever good mood I had temporarily managed to get, disappeared the moment Summer walked up while I was filling the tank.

“Brock baby, haven’t seen you for a while. You come home after years away and don’t call me to get together. Baby, you know I will give you anything…you’re looking a little worn out. Is that homely girl of yours finally losing her use? I knew you would tire of that quickly. You need a woman you can show off. Someone equal to you. You know, I have been taking pole dancing classes, I would be willing to put on a show for you, help you relax. What do you say baby? Want me to take care of you? You can do anything, I won’t say no.”

Holy shit. This bitch has balls the size of the sun.

“You have what, 5 kids, 6? And how many ex-husbands? If you couldn’t keep them satisfied what makes you think I want to try? Fucking Teagan is heaven. Not like the gapping snatch you have going. Have you seen yourself lately? Your corner is waiting.”

Shit, that was mean, but I couldn’t stand her saying those things about Teagan. This shit is why she hid in the first place. Summer gasped in outrage, her face as red as the stop sign on the street corner I told her to go work on.

“You’re an ass. A nothing. A con. That simple bitch deserves you. You better hope to God no one tells her the truth about you baby because if she finds out, you’re fucked. You deserve to be fucked. Asshole.” With that, she turned on her heels and got back into her fucking minivan full of screaming, snotty kids and virtually flew out of the gas station.

What the fuck had I done? Summer knew. She knew the truth and I was royally screwed. My heart was racing in panic at the thought of what she could and most likely would do. I finished filling the tank and headed home instead of to the home improvement store. I was fucked. The end loomed ahead of me, a black cloud, my doom.

Once home I headed for the freezer and pulled out the lone bottle of fireball I had stored for emergencies. If there ever was a time to drink, it was now. I texted Teagan, asked her how her day was going. When I hadn’t heard anything from her by evening, I knew it was over. I opened the bottle and tilted it into my mouth, drinking a good third of the bottle in one hellish, fiery drink. Shit that burned. But that pain was nothing compared to what I knew was coming. I drank more, finishing half the bottle this time. Making my way on unsteady feet to the couch, I fell down onto it, pain spearing through my chest. Fuck. The room spun. I tried to focus on my phone, see if I had a text. Nothing. I drank more and darkness took over. I never wanted to wake up. Darkness was my friend now, I deserved it, lived in it forever, and now, I was back in it.

Chapter Eleven

Teagan

M
y body was still tingling from making love with Brock this morning. That’s what it was now. No matter how hard and furious it was, it was still loving. We both knew it, we just hadn’t admitted it. Maybe out of fear of falling too fast, maybe out of fear of something else. Sometimes I feel like as much as Brock has told me about his past, that he is leaving something out. It’s that faraway look in his eyes that he gets at times when he thinks I am not looking. So, maybe I haven’t said the words out loud out of fear that something is looming, like it’s all too good to be true and I am waiting for the shoe to drop.

I know that what I feel for him is real, but I can’t always bring myself to believe what he feels for me. I’ve spent so long being someone else, trying so hard to be pretty and cool. My pinup shield, it made me feel like when I felt eyes on me, it wasn’t because I was plain or ugly, it was because I was different. I stood out. They say the best defense is a good offense, well, that makeup and corset was my defense. I knew people were going to look at me, but this way I could control what they said and thought when they did. Brock had done what years and years of therapy couldn’t. He had allowed me to feel secure just being me. With him, I felt beautiful no matter what. With him, I didn’t need to divert the eyes, because they were staring at him anyway, not me. I still think people probably wonder what he’s doing being with me, but he’s not concerned so I’m trying my best to let that go as well.

Tonight with Meghan was another push into being me. I did my hair and makeup, but not over the top. My eyes, which Brock seemed to love, looked amazing with the subtle makeup I had done. I never realized how sometimes less can be more before.

Giving myself one more look in the mirror, I grabbed my jacket and keys and headed out to meet Meghan at the Cricket, a local bar known for its amazing drinks. We hadn’t done the Cricket in a while. It was small, and even when full, the secluded booths made it easy to talk without having to yell. It was just what we needed. Something was up with Meghan and I needed to give her the safety and security to feel like she could tell me whatever it was that was bothering her.

When I got to the bar, Meghan wasn’t there yet so I grabbed a booth more central than I normally would so she could easily find me when she arrived. I generally preferred the back booths, so no one knew I was there and wouldn’t bother me. I wouldn’t have to feel anyone’s eyes judging me.

When Meghan finally arrived, her normally carefree face was tight with concern. She saw me immediately and rushed to sit down, signaling for the waitress before she was even in the seat.

“I need a drink. Bad. A strong one.”

I cocked my eyebrow questioningly, hoping she would give me more. Instead she said, “Drinks first, then I promise I’ll tell you. I will. Just…give me a moment, okay?” She turned to the waitress and ordered a Jack and coke, heavy on the Jack. The waitress went off to get her drink, and more water for me, and Meghan sighed.

In all the years Meghan and I have been friends, she has always been the lighthearted, crazy one. I’m the serious one. The one who over thinks everything. Meghan, if anything, has always been
too
loose and carefree. Sometimes I wanted to be more like her, other times I wished she would grow up and settle down a little. It was tiring keeping up with her. But as much as I wished she would settle down, I didn’t like this serious her one bit. I didn’t know what to do with her like this.

When the waitress returned with her drink, Meghan downed it immediately and told the waitress to keep them coming. The waitress must have seen something in Meghan’s eyes, because she placed a hand on her shoulder and squeezed gently, saying “You got it,” before leaving us to talk.

Taking a deep breath, Meghan started, “I think I am in love with Justin.”

Well. That was definitely not what I was expecting. I mean, this was good news, right? Confused I asked, “And this is a problem because?”

“Because I don’t want to be in love. I like my life the way it is. Being in love, it’s going to change everything. I mean, I like being free to do what I want, when I want. Now, before I do anything, I find myself thinking ‘what would Justin think?’. Before, I used to be able to go places on my own and be happy. Now, I find myself unhappy alone, wanting him to be with me. That scares me. Why am I unhappy on my own now? How have I given so much power to another person? He has the power to make me happy and ruin me in one breath. I never wanted that.”

Wow. This was all new to me. I knew Meghan didn’t like commitment, that much was obvious. But that she feared love? Saw it as someone having power over her? This was new. When the waitress set another drink in front of her, she sipped it and continued.

“I don’t want to be in love. Look at how it has worked for everyone around us. Your mom walked out and left you and your dad alone. She broke your family apart, even though she claimed to love you. My folks, they can’t even stand being in the same room together. They hate each other. They tear each other into pieces just to feel a little better, to have some power over the other. Love is nasty and dirty. I hate it. But here I am, falling in love with Justin. He just wouldn’t let me go. I tried to walk away. I was walking away. I was done. But then last weekend, when he showed up after Brock called him, he took care of me anyway. I had stomped on his feelings, left him because of my fears, and he still cared for me. He held my hair while I vomited, gave me water and Tylenol. He stayed the entire day, cooking for me and keeping me hydrated. We talked. Really talked, about his feelings. My feelings. My fears. He listened. And now, here I am, still with him and in love. I feel lost.”

I was stunned. I can’t believe I’ve been best friends with this woman nearly my whole life and I didn’t know this about her. I mean, it’s kinda huge. Spinning my glass around in my hands, I thought about how to answer her. Love wasn’t something that scared me. In fact, if anything, because of my mother’s behavior, I was the opposite. I craved love and needed it to validate my existence. Thinking on it, neither one of us has healthy ideas about love. Maybe this was why I was still holding back with Brock. My own fear that his love validates me and without it, I cease to mean anything again.

I opened my mouth to answer her when a shadow fell across our table. Meghan and I both looked up in unison. There, in all her hooker-looking glory was PQ herself. Fuck. Just what I needed on a night when Meghan needed me to focus on her. I didn’t have the time or patience to deal with Summer’s bullshit right now.

“The fuck are you doing at our table?” Meghan asked, “Isn’t there a corner somewhere waiting for you?”

I smirked, there was the Meghan I knew and loved.

Summer smiled, a sickly sweet, fake smile.

“I just noticed you from across the bar and remembered that I had some stuff to discuss with you.” She was looking at me when she said that. Shit, what bullshit was she going to come up with now? That Brock was the baby daddy of kid number 3?

Summer made herself at home at our booth, sitting down next to Meghan, across from me. She signaled our waitress for another of her drinks.

“Again, why are you here Summer? We aren’t friends. You don’t drink with us. You hardly ever notice us. Go back to normal and walk away. We were having a good time without you and want to go back to that.” Meghan was about to push her out of the booth when Summer started talking again.

“So, how is therapy going? You do still go right? Remember when you were in high school and you tried to kill yourself? That was some fucked up shit. I mean, really, when Brock and I started those rumors, we didn’t think you would actually go and DO it. But you did! You totally did! When we started telling people that you had crabs and that you had gotten them from your dad, and that was why your mother left you, man, you should have seen your face. It was priceless. It was just a story, you didn’t need to take it so seriously.  When you stayed in town after your little stint at that mental hospital, living with your dad, man that was like story gold for us. Brock and I had so much fun.” She got a faraway look in her eyes, like she was reminiscing something happy, “We couldn’t have planned it any better.”

I gasped. This couldn’t be true. No fucking way was Brock a part of what had been the darkest time in my life. No way. I would have known. I mean, I knew Summer had been the one to start the rumors, I would have heard if Brock had been involved. Only, would I? I didn’t have any guy friends to ask at the time. Summer had been so out there and forward in her bullying. She loved the spotlight, and starting those rumors, ruining my life, it gave her the center of my attention and of the school. My therapist had spent years with me getting me to see her bullying me was more about her than me. But, Brock?

“Oh. You didn’t know about him did you? You thought he was with you this whole time because he actually
liked
you! You did! This is just priceless! Oh honey, Brock doesn’t like you. He can hardly stand you. He’s only with you because he felt bad for what he did in high school and wanted to give you a little taste of being popular for a little bit, kinda like to make up for his actions. I told him it was stupid. I told him you wouldn’t get it! And you didn’t. You fell for it!”

She was laughing so hard she had tears streaming from her face. People in the bar were starting to notice and stare. I couldn’t breathe. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest. I hurt, really fucking hurt. The noises around me were starting to fade away.

“OMG! This is even better! You didn’t just fall for it, you fell for him! You love him! Could this get any better! You actually think that someone who looks like Brock would be interested in an ugly-ass piece of trash girl, who changes oil in cars for a living? God. Brock is like, model material. No way could you EVER get a man like him for real. Look at you, in your 30’s, still living at home with your dad. Working for your dad. Afraid to even venture out of town. You are a fucking waste of air Teagan. You should have fucking died when you tried to kill yourself in high school. Life would be better for everyone. Your dad could move on and date someone new without having to worry about bringing them home to his adult daughter. I mean, how embarrassing for him. And Brock, he could have just moved on but no, he saw you and the old guilt came back so he gave up his happiness for a time to try and make it up to you. But you didn’t know! Priceless. This is just priceless.”

Summer finished her drink and stood up to leave when Meghan stood with her and in one punch, knocked her on her ass. I didn’t move. I couldn’t. I wasn’t breathing. I wasn’t seeing. I was broken and dead. I had known Brock was hiding something. I knew it. I knew he was better than I deserved. This was why he didn’t say he loved me! This was his secret! I saw Meghan being pulled off Summer by the bouncer and then the world went black.

*****

When I woke up, I looked around to see both my dad and Meghan talking in hushed tones in the hallway outside my door.

“It was bad John. I’ve never known who all was behind the rumors in high school, never would have suspected that Brock was. She was doing so good with him too. I think she loves him. This is going to be bad. You need to get her therapist on the phone and see what he thinks we need to do. She’s gonna revert. I’m scared.”

I heard a whimper, a sound of pain, and then my dad and Meghan were hugging. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t watch the people I loved more than anything in the world hurt again because of me. Summer was right, things would be so much better if I had died in high school. My dad would still have his house and shop, only he wouldn’t have to worry about having me constantly underfoot. He wouldn’t be trying to support me, putting off his dating to take care of me. He should be able to live his life and not worry that his daughter is going to fall apart at any time.

I rolled over and tried to tune their conversation out. I didn’t need to hear them discussing how pitiful I was, I already knew. How could I have been so stupid? I knew all along that Brock was too good to be with me, but I never suspected he was behind the rumors! I told him everything. I laid my soul open for him, telling him about what those rumors did to me. He was probably laughing internally the entire time, knowing how much he had influenced me. He was probably back to finish off the job, date me, get me to fall in love with him, and then break it off, breaking my heart in the process. Sending me into another tailspin. Well, mission fucking accomplished.

I have no idea how long I was out of it but the urge to pee was so bad, I couldn’t lie in bed any longer pretending to sleep. I rolled out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom, snagging my phone on the way to see the time. 4 am. Shit, I was out for a while. Another fugue, losing more time than I ever had before. I used to have these blackout times before, before my treatment on the mental ward. I was right back where I started.

My phone beeped when I was washing my hands. It was a mistake to look at it. I knew who it would be. My dad and Meghan were in the other room and the only other person I was friends with was Brock. I knew it was him but I still looked. I shouldn’t have.

Brock: Teag- It’s 4 am. I haven’t heard from you since you left for your girls’ night. I’m worried. Your dad isn’t answering his phone either. Call me!

Just reading his false concern hurt. All of a sudden, the food I had eaten earlier in the day felt heavy in my stomach. I leaned over the toilet and vomited up everything. I kept heaving even when there was nothing left. The heaves turned into sobs and I was crying, sobbing over the toilet. I couldn’t catch my breath. Everything hurt so bad. I needed something. I needed to release the pain.

Still sobbing, I reached for the cabinet under the sink and opened it, digging around until I found what I needed. It had been so long but the razor still looked the same. My old friend, still here to comfort me.

Somewhere in the background, I could hear my dad and Meghan pounding on the door, yelling at me to open it or else. Or else what? They were gonna kill me? I was already dead inside. Nothing they could threaten me with was worse than what I was feeling now.

I picked up the razor and tentatively ran it across the tender skin on the inside of my thigh, causing my skin to goose bump. I needed this. One moment of pain would get rid of
all
the pain I was feeling inside. I pressed down and cut, hissing as the blade split my skin. Blood pebbled up and ran down my thigh. The release was immediate. The rush. It felt so good.

I did it again. And again. I don’t know how long I was in there, but by the time my dad kicked down the door, I was sitting in a puddle of blood, feeling euphoric. My pain was gone. I looked up into my dad’s eyes, seeing nothing but sheer panic and pain.

“Teagan, what have you done!?” he yelled.

He could yell. It didn’t matter. I didn’t care. I couldn’t feel it anymore. He reached down and gathered me in his arms, running through the house to the car. I think it may have been cold outside, because he was trying to shove a robe on me as we went. I don’t remember him grabbing that. I wonder where it came from? He got me in the car and turned it on, Meghan jumping in the back seat.

I could hear Meghan sobbing in the backseat. I had hurt her too. I hurt everyone I love. She was right, love was dirty. Evil. I never wanted to love anyone again. No one should love me, all I did was hurt them.

Before long my dad pulled up in front of the emergency room and ran inside. I sat. I didn’t care what happened. I was dead anyway. A shell. I needed to cut some more. I needed to feel something now. Before, the pain was too much. Now, I just needed to feel something. Anything.