Fringe Florida: Travels Among Mud Boggers, Furries, Ufologists, Nudists, and Other Lovers of Unconventional Lifestyles (31 page)

fated and predicted he will meet a new man, who Carlos hopes will be

his Mr. Right. He laments that he hasn’t had a committed relationship

in years.

Slowly the group peels off to bed. It takes Carlos a few trips back and

forth from his room to the table to find his key, which is in his pants

pocket. Betsy clears the table on her way to bed, leaving a swaying,

drunk Diane and a phenomenally awake Randall to carry on into the

wee hours.

“Diane and I are going to stay here and have lesbian sex,” Randall

shouts to all. Diane sticks out her boobs, then laughs so hard she al-

most falls out of her chair.

Not surprisingly, there is no sign of any of them the next morning

and no time to wait around. The gates to the Holy Land beckon. Being

Memorial Day, it should be packed.

Jesus Christ, Tourist Attraction

proof

The Holy Land Experience theme park is a twist on the opposite end of

the state’s religious bell-curve. An urban theme park, it reflects modern

Florida, where most visitors expect a condensed, action-packed experi-

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ence—even if that involves standing in hour-long lines.

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Knowing a little about the Bible from an upbringing in a Baptist

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church, I ponder how one makes a theme park from biblical history?

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Does it have a Jesus roller coaster and Noah’s Ark log ride?

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The questions seem less absurd when you consider the park’s locale.

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Just off I-4, it is only a dash from Walt Disney World and Universal Stu-

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dios. International Drive, the Vegas Strip of Orlando, with Wet n’ Wild,

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designer outlet malls, and spaceship-shaped T-shirt shops, is only a

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ten-minute drive. The nativity scene at Holy Land’s entrance, featuring

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a club-footed blow-up Mary doll and a mechanical baby Jesus, fits right

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in.

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At 10:00 a.m., the parking lot fills quickly as the gates to faux Jeru-

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salem have just opened. Caribbean tourists pour from buses. A Trinity

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Broadcasting Network van pulls up with the park celebrities—Jesus,

36

Mary, and the gang.

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They don’t look historically accurate and aren’t modestly dressed like

the holy crew pictured in most Bibles. More like if Jesus and friends

had won the lottery and gone on a Winter Park shopping and salon

spree. The Christ actor has blond highlights in his light-brown hair. His

beard is meticulously groomed, and his eyes are strikingly blue.

Pretty Mary and the posse of other young female performers are

made up and wear fine, jewel-tone silks and chiffon veils, all dotted

with sequins and seed beads. They chatter to each other but shun my

questions, much like other Holy Land actors and park workers I’ve

tried to interview. Perhaps their reticence has to do with comedian Bill

Maher’s gonzo mockery of the park in the film
Religulous
, or a pending

scandalous lawsuit against the park owners, or maybe today it has to

do with my wearing a “Big Spender” T-shirt and a cowboy hat. Prob-

ably not the best choice of attire, but it’s hard to grasp the decorum of

a place that depicts the Garden of Eden as a land where lions pal with

sheep, and deer curl up on butterfly-shaped benches.

From the looks of those lined up at the ticket window, others have

the same problem. An unnaturally tanned mom in a sundress flashes

massive cleavage. Her noisy pigtailed daughters wear matching red,

white, and blue bell-bottom outfits straight from 1976. A man behind

them is covered from neck to ankle in tattoos of Jesus and topless

proof

women with cherry-red nipples. The cashier seems not to notice and

takes his thirty-five-dollar entry fee.

Outside the gate, dark-skinned families converse in French. One

church group of mixed age and race pose for a photo with a park em-

ployee in a furry lamb suit that has seen better days.

Just past the turnstiles, the gateway to Jerusalem is clogged as pa-

trons stop to pose for a picture with a life-size cardboard replica of an-

other Jesus actor, who has an uncanny likeness to Fabio from the cover

of romance novels.

Small by Orlando theme-park standards, the park is about one-

ad

eighth the size of Disney’s original Magic Kingdom. The condensed an-

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cient Jerusalem has everything from carts bearing fake fruit and rep-

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licas of the mount to a children’s play area with a walk-in whale filled

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with a suspended Jonah.

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Holy Land attempts opulence, as much as a theme park can. Metal-

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lic gold covers columns and Romanesque statues. The man-made lake

is filled with fountains that shoot a rainbow of water toward the heav-

164

ens, choreographed to Christian music. Along the lake’s bank, a large

proof

The nativity scene outside the Holy Land Experience. Photo by James Harvey.

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topiary spells out “He is Risen.” The $6 million Church of All Nations

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auditorium was built to look like an ancient coliseum on the outside.

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The white-and-gold Grand Temple, Herod’s Temple, houses a state-of-

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the-art theater where visitors watch a slick film dramatization of the

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Last Supper. At other times, they take the stage for Christian karaoke.

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It’s hot as hell, but that doesn’t prevent the crowd from passing,

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one by one, through a tight, narrow passageway into the a replica of

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the Calvary Garden Tomb to see the fake rock bed where Jesus’s body

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was put to rest. “I’ve seen the real one and you can definitely see the

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outline of his body,” a man in shorts tells a friend as they squeeze out

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to let others get a view.

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We join about two hundred park-goers gathered around an outdoor

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stage to watch hunky Jesus Christ in action. The play is called
Woman
at

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the
Well
, but the park takes creative license. Jesus recites the Beatitudes

1

from the Sermon the Mount to a Samaritan woman and friends, played

by the glittery actresses from the parking lot.

The deviation from scripture doesn’t appear to bother the crowd.

Many hold their arms high in the air and sway to the recorded music

as if in a trance. Their demonstration of faith is so earnest and strong I

can almost touch it. Regardless of your spirituality, there is something

powerful about being surrounded by people with such unified belief

that there is something better beyond this life.

But as this is Orlando, theme-park capital of the world, something

unusually surreal is unfolding on stage.

Jesus is saying good-bye, and the three actresses make over him like

he’s Elvis Presley in a 1950s beach flick. They giggle and one gives the

line, “Everyone is going to be so jealous.”

The crowd applauds. They seem so oblivious of the sexual under-

tones that I later have to watch a video replay to be sure I wasn’t imag-

ining it.

Such elaborately costumed biblical plays and musicals are the park’s

primary entertainment. Turns out there aren’t any thrill rides, only

about a dozen shows throughout the day all around the faux holy city.

Although the music is canned, the songs are original. The actors are

pros. They sing! They dance! They are also a very Caucasian bunch. Af-

proof

rican American performers are rare, and mostly play bongo drums in

the marketplace.

Cosmic Vending Machine

Such glitz wasn’t a part of the park when it opened in 2001, though it

was quite controversial given that the founder was a Messianic Jew

whose ministries tried to convert Jews to Christianity. As might be ex-

pected, the act was rather unpopular with Orlando’s twenty-five thou-

sand Jewish residents. The Jewish Anti-Defamation League protested

outside the park on opening day. One rabbi quoted by
Messianic
Times

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went so far as to call the park founder a “soul-snatcher.”

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The original park’s more authentic costumes and somber plays also

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didn’t attract large enough crowds. Tourists who come to Florida and

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particularly to Orlando have come to expect hypersurrealism. If not

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terrifying rides or wood nymphs and ghosts, at least give them up-

lifting, glitzy shows. In that regard, the Trinity Broadcasting Network

661

(TBN), the world’s largest Christian television network, may have been

the perfect buyer for the struggling park. The ministry bought it for $37

million in 2007 and quickly turned the park into a reflection of its raz-

zle-dazzle theatrics. That goes for the founders as well as the network.

Paul and Jan Crouch started their network ministry in partnership

with Jim and Tammy Faye Baker, whom Jan Crouch closely resembles,

big hair, raccoon eyes, and all.

The Crouches run the $225 million TBN empire on the generosity of

followers. Requests for donations run across the bottom of the TBN

programs and the Holy Land Experience’s park map. The thirty-five-

dollar entry fees don’t cover the park’s expenses, the literature says.

The Crouches preach the “prosperity gospel,” meaning you give God,

or rather TBN, all your money, and God will reward you with riches,

health, and success in return. Prosperity gospel has been compared to

treating God as a cosmic vending machine—you put your coins in, and

pray to get more back (literally). But like in casinos, the only thing for

certain is that the house always wins.

The
New
York
Times
reported in 2012 that the Crouches have his-

and-her multimillion-dollar mansions in Newport News, California.

They have use of TBN’s corporate jets, two multimillion-dollar homes

in Orange County, Florida’s exclusive Windermere community, homes

in Texas, and Conway Twitty’s former estate in Tennessee.

proof

Jan Crouch spends much time in Orlando. Her
Praise
the
Lord
show

is frequently taped there, and she was highly involved in renovating

the park. She insisted on remodeling one of the restaurants six times in

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three months, according to the
New
York
Times
. During the process, she

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rented two suites for more than a year at Orlando’s Loews Portofino

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Bay Hotel—one for her and one for her clothes and her Maltese dogs.

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But biblical faith is much bigger than its leaders, and many park-

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goers find inspiration in the story of Christ told through the attraction,

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however synthetic or glittery it may be.

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Gifts of Faith

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In a rose garden by the lake, several park-goers quietly pray beneath a

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towering cross that is covered in handwritten prayers. For a moment,

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I’m reminded of the healing list at Cassadaga’s temple.

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A Latina woman who has difficulty with English asks me to pen a

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message for her. She prays for Jesus Christ to help her son. “He has

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problems with drugs,” she says. She is Catholic and says she doesn’t

1

watch TBN, but is enjoying the park’s shows and decorated grounds.

She points to a statue of an angel playing a harp. “I feel his love here.”

The line for the park’s $12 million Scriptorium museum moves more

slowly than one for a Universal Studios roller coaster on the Fourth of

July. Tours are fifty-five minutes, and several in line say they have been

waiting that long.

Even park critics herald the museum due to its authentic biblical

antiquities such as pages from a Gutenberg Bible and ancient scrolls.

This being a theme park, it also has flashes of animatronics, including

biblical characters that appear to talk. It is a small world, indeed.

Those who don’t want to wait in line can snatch up a DVD of the tour