Friends: A Love Story (42 page)

 

God cannot operate in an atmosphere of unforgiveness. When there is an impasse, someone has to apologize so God can enter into the situation and heal it. The relationship is worth whatever “mud” we get on our faces when we humble ourselves and ask forgiveness.

 

Angela:
Forgiveness can be especially hard because nobody wants to be thought the fool. But it is absolutely necessary if you're going to grow. Being unforgiving can stagnate your relationship and personal growth. To refuse to seek or give forgiveness is a sign that you're selfish, that it's “all about you.”

I think forgiveness makes more room in your heart for love. To admit that you're wrong and ask for forgiveness is a sign of utmost strength and intelligence, especially in a woman's eye. To be able to take an honest inventory of yourself is a measure of your maturity. To know where you're shortsighted then grow from it takes character.

You can certainly melt a glacier with the words “please forgive me” spoken sincerely or a heartfelt “I'm sorry.” Even saying, “I might be wrong” has calmed many a stormy sea in my life. Even in times when I knew I was not wrong, there have been times when I could give that to the person. Because forgiveness is hard. Many times we want to ask for forgiveness, but it's hard to go first. So why not be a trailblazer and apologize first? When you make that effort, the other person sees your intent. There have been many times when either Courtney or I apologized for something we didn't really do. It creates a different kind of dialogue: “You can't apologize for that;
I
was wrong, babe!” or “You weren't wrong; I was!” And that kind of conversation really melts your heart.

 

Courtney:
Men say that they want to lead their family, to be the “head of the household.” Yet many times they're not willing to take the lead in saying “I'm sorry” and asking for forgiveness. Somebody has to go first in admitting that they've made a mistake. If as the man you want to be the leader of your household, be the man in leading by saying you're sorry first. As leader, that's the man's responsibility. Once the man admits he's wrong, then God can come in and heal the situation by touching the woman's heart to be open and hear him so that things can be gentle, not bitter. I don't like it when my wife is upset with me. When she is, I know I'm going to find out what it is, so we can get back to peaceful communication. So I can apologize, and she can get that look off her face and get back to telling me what I need to do!

When you think about it, the man may be the head of the family, but the woman is the neck. The head can't go anywhere without the neck. I can't be in my position unless she's in her position and vice versa. To make that happen, the only thing I have to do is to love her. She can't find her place until I'm a loving husband rather than a judging, judgmental, bitter, angry, nagging or fault-finding husband. I have to be encouraging even when I don't know how we're going to do whatever it is she wants. Now, I'll be the first person to tell you that it takes prayer to get to that place. It's especially difficult for the man because, as the leader, he has to start the process though the woman may not be giving him any encouragement. How does he find the strength? I got it from the Good Book and a godly counselor. It was a process and a journey. I had to be taught—we all need to be taught. You literally need to be talked through it.

 

“A good man is hard to find,” people say, and the Bible asks, “Who can find a virtuous woman?” It's easy to be the “bad boy” or “bad girl”—society gives us a lot of encouragement for that. Few people will encourage us to be our best, so acknowledge that and keep striving. Be the person that others will eventually look to as the example. Though it will be lonely and tough at times, that journey is part of the refining process. Keep the faith, and persevere.

 

Angela:
When I was a girl playing with dolls and dressing up, I was in love with the idea of being in love. As a teenager I was attracted to people based on their physical aspects. Later, I thought men who were kind and considerate and thoughtful were boring. But after all that passion, all that drama, I realized I was burning myself out emotionally.

Love takes more than good looks and high octane to sustain it. It is more than just a feeling: love is an action. It doesn't require being whisked away to some exotic locale, but standing
your ground and taking care of business with each other where you are. In time, I learned to appreciate the nerd, the Poindexter. I was able to see that the thoughtful, kindhearted, considerate person is the true prize! Some might call him the nerd but watch yourself: He may be the true prize!

 

Courtney:
The temptations to behave badly are everywhere in this society. The government says, “don't drink and drive,” but commercials seem to encourage it—“if you drink this beer, you're going to get the girl.” You can smoke if you want to; advertisements make it seem like that's cool. And everyone knows that “sex sells.” But there are consequences to everything. If you drink you might get into an accident. If you smoke, there's this disclaimer on the side of the cigarette package stating, “It's your own fault when you get sick.” And we all see the results of our sexually permissive society with the rise in international Internet child pornography. We as society send mixed messages with all this subliminal sex. We have to acknowledge that in continuing to use sex to sell everything, we all pay a heavy price.

I saw myself as a good person, but my actions were contrary to that image I had in my mind. I had to work very hard to bridge that gap. And of course you'll get no encouragement to stay the course. Whatever is good for your spirit, the world is going to tell you is not good.
Narrow is the way to life and few find it (Matthew 7:13–14).
Yet whatever vision of yourself you see in your mind and your spirit, it's there because the Lord is trying to lead you that direction. Surround yourself with like-minded people. And take that world with you wherever you go. I do this as I travel back and forth between Los Angeles and New York. I don't allow myself to get out there by myself, away from my circle of friends who encourage me, and my motivational CDs and Christian radio station. I surround myself so I always stay focused. You know how you hear these stories: “Well, I was there—I wasn't looking for anything. She just showed up,
so what was I going to do?” Well, I think what you can do is not be in those kinds of places!

It's a continuous, daily struggle for us humans to walk the path of righteousness. We are imperfect and all fall short. When that happens, get on your knees and ask for forgiveness; for
the righteous may fall seven times and rise again…
That's a marvelous thing! It means you don't have to be right all the time. You don't even have to try to be right all the time. You're going to fall. But when you do, our Father's hands are going to be right there. I've experienced it time and time again!