Friends: A Love Story (38 page)

 

In the meantime, this wonderful surrogate process was unfolding. On the Monday immediately after opening weekend, we flew home to find out if Stephanie was pregnant. We had met her and Kevin only a few weeks prior, but we were choked up with gratitude when we saw them and could feel their warmth toward us in their smiles and sparkling eyes. Everyone was nervous and excited. It was such an intimate, amazing moment! We were all huddled in front of the monitor as the doctor moved the ultrasound probe over Stephanie's abdomen.

“Look, a heartbeat!” the doctor said.

“OHMYGOODNESS!” Our eyes welled with tears as we watched a small area on the screen flutter.

A moment later he said, “Oh, oh, here's another one!”

“WHAAT?” Angie screamed and looked at me wide eyed.
“Stephanie, six years ago Courtney had a dream that we'd have twins!”

“Hallelujah!”

I just shook my head. Praise God! We hugged and celebrated with the doctor and this lovely couple that was helping us establish our new family, said goodbye, rushed to the airport and flew right back to Minneapolis for the Tuesday performance. Needless to say, we were in a tremendous state of shock.

 

After the play closed a month later we returned to Los Angeles with a new sense of hope and expectancy.

At our monthly appointments we connected with Stephanie and Kevin. Our appointments were our rhythm, and Angela scheduled our lives and our work so we could be there with our new surrogate family. I can't begin to express how many prayers we said for our developing babies, for Stephanie's health and for this amazing couple! After all Angela had gone through to try to bear children herself, to have this process that was fraught with so many potential disasters go so smoothly for us was a complete blessing. We bonded so much at our monthly ultrasound appointments, in between appointments we started to miss being around Stephanie and Kevin! We began to think that maybe our relationship would extend beyond the terms of our contractual agreement. We came to the conclusion that they would be our family for life.

 

Our son and daughter were scheduled to be delivered on February 17, 2006. Since Stephanie's previous pregnancy was a Cesarean birth, this would be a C-section, too. About two weeks prior to the due date, it dawned on me that trying to get Angela to sit down with our business folks to finish adjusting our wills and trusts to accommodate the babies after they arrived would not work. So we decided to conclude all of that
work before the babies arrived. After the meeting, Angela said, “Let's get something to eat.”

“No, let's eat at home,” I told her. “We have food in the refrigerator.”

“Okay, I'll see you there.”

Angela left to run a few errands and I banged out a few e-mails while sitting in the car before I heading home. Fifteen minutes later my phone rang. It was Tracy, our assistant.

“I need you to get home now. Stephanie's water broke and you have to get to the hospital.”

“Oh, my goodness!”

“Is Angela with you?”

“No, she left twenty minutes ago. She should be home by now.”

“Well, she's not here yet but come on home.”

I boogied back to the house expecting to find Angela waiting. In true Angela fashion, she still wasn't there. Earlier she'd told me she'd forgotten her phone, so it was impossible to get in touch with her. She was probably out shopping for baby clothes that we wouldn't need because of all the gifts we would receive the next day at her baby shower. I learned that our surrogate had been at a doctor's appointment when her water broke. So she just walked right down the hall to a private room and waited for the fun to begin. Stephanie's C-section had been scheduled for four o'clock. We were an hour from the hospital and it was only one o'clock now, but we would be in Friday-afternoon traffic. There was still time but Angela would have to get home soon. My hospital bag was already packed. I grabbed this and that from around the house then called our neighbor and great friend, Mattie Lawson, to ask if she'd bring Angela to the hospital when she got home. As long as there were at least two people in the car, they could move quickly in the carpool lanes and, maybe, make it in time. Then at two, with no word from Angela, I hit the road, Jack.

Angie surfaced at about four. She was just traumatized.
“Courtney, what's going on? Where is everybody? Is everything okay?”

“Everything's fine. Her water broke. She went into labor.”

“Oh, Courtney, I should have had my phone…”

“Honey, it's okay.” I told her that I had made arrangements to get her there as quickly as possible. A few hours later she came running into the hospital just as the doctors told us we had to go into delivery. There must have been 15 of us in the operating room, all scrubbed up and masked. Stephanie and Kevin were huddled up talking. Tears were streaming down her face. He was telling her it would be okay. We met her mother and father for the first time, as well as her mother's mother. So there were three generations there at the same time, plus the babies. I thought, “This is just amazing!” Angela and I just looked at each other's eyes over the tops of our masks. Her eyes were big and round and moist: “Oh, my goodness!”

Standing there watching another woman give birth to our babies was absolutely surreal. After all we had been through, I thought, “Lord, this is it, isn't it? We're finally parents!” I just wanted to take it all in. Once the babies were out, everyone focused on them. The nurses cleaned and bundled them up so we could hold them. I looked at their tiny hands and fingernails, their little eyes, noses and mouths, the hair on their heads. They were perfect—positively perfect! They also showed the twins to Stephanie and Kevin so they'd know they were okay before they were whisked away. I found myself feeling torn. The babies I'd been dreaming of were here, but I wanted to be there for Stephanie as she had been for us.

“Come on, Courtney,” the nurses were calling me. “Stephanie's in good hands. She's going to be okay.”

Our families held hands and hugged with full hearts and mixed emotions. I was humbled by and grateful for the amazing gift she and Kevin had given us. They'd allowed us to embark upon a journey the Henry the Explorer in me could
never have imagined only a short time earlier. They'll be part of our family forever.

“Go,” they told me. And I did. It was time to begin my new life as a dad!

A
s new parents, Angela and I spend a lot of time thinking about how to lay the foundation for the kind of people we want our children to become. We realize we have been given a tremendous responsibility—the most important job we'll ever have. The Bible tells us to teach our children while they're waking and while they're sleeping, and that if we raise them up in the way they should go, when they get older they won't depart from it. We know that Bronwyn and Slater will need strong Biblical roots to withstand all the temptations Hollywood will present them. It's important for them to know from whence they came and to Whom they belong. To accomplish that, we will circle the wagons and surround our children with Godly people. We will teach them to “view the world through the prism of the Bible rather than to view the Bible through the prism of the world.” And like other parents we'll pray our way through how to raise them.

As their father, I know that teaching them discipline is essential. Discipline needs to be taught in the home; as mother and father, it's our responsibility to lay it in there. Children don't have to learn how to lie; they lie naturally. I know; I was
a “master.” I would have cake crumbs and frosting all over my face, but if my father asked me if I had eaten any cake, I'd tell him, “Uh-uh.” I had to be
taught
to be a good boy. If you don't put good values in there, then there's a vacuum inside. Where there's a vacuum anything can come in—and I guarantee you it's going to be something bad! But I believe that when you teach children discipline, you also teach them boundaries. When they know they have boundaries, they know they are loved. I've heard kids say, “My parents don't love me; they don't care what I do.” That's so sad to me. So many adults think that by not restricting their children, they're giving them freedom; that it's a good thing to let their kids do whatever they want. But this world provides children with too many choices and many just aren't good for them. Giving kids that much freedom actually
puts them in bondage
. What they need is just the opposite—when we give them boundaries, it frees them up. When they live in the square of safety their parents carve out for them, they feel protected. Once they know they are safe and protected, they feel free to become the person God wants them to be.

It's a toughie, I know. I'm sure I will want my children to like and appreciate me just like every parent does. For now, though, I'm not going to be my children's friend. We'll all have to wait until they're grown for that. For now, I've got to do whatever I have to, to lay that discipline in there day by day. They may not always like it but we will lay it in and lay it in. I'm prayerful that suddenly it will click for them and—
bam!—
our children will self-check. They will know how to act—we're going to instill “please,” “yes, ma'am” and “thank you”—and they'll know how
not
to act. I intend to prepare them to say, “No, we can't do that.” They'll know when to think, “Mommy and Daddy wouldn't like it.” Even though we plan to expose
them to lots of wonderful things, in other ways theirs will be a very focused world. We will have to tell them that they can't do everything other people do; that they don't need to see all that there is to see or hear all there is to hear; that they can't be around everything and everybody. “Just because Johnny is doing it, doesn't mean we do it in our home,” we'll tell them. “In
our
house we serve the
Lord
.”

In line with that, Angela and I want to teach our children some of the “old-fashioned” ways. All these computers and technological advances are great—we think it's wonderful that you can hop on Google and find out anything in the world. But the very same computers that connect you to the Library of Congress are also wired to a world that turns into a nightmare for many people, even in the supposed safety of their own home. Obviously, we'll want to protect our children from that. When I consider the role pornography played in my life, I realize that my mind was first harmed as a young child. Technology can also take us away from things that are very important like human-to-human contact. In our family sometimes we're going to have to turn the computer and television off. Instead, we're going to look at each other and have conversations at the dinner table: “How did your day go? What did you learn? Really!” We will talk about how we are doing emotionally, which I now know was missing when I was a child. We will speed back up and use our computers and technological devices later, but the kids will still have to communicate well and do tasks like long division that require patience and their undivided attention. Although we live in a society where we can do things in a blink, somehow we also intend to teach our kids the value of time. When Angela and I grew up, we didn't have all this digital stuff. You had to dial the phone and wait for the dial to spin back around. You had to heat things
on the stove and wash the dishes; there was no microwave. We will really have to consider how to teach Bronwyn and Slater the value of time when today we live in a culture where those ideas mean nothing.

The same thing is true about money. It won't matter that they have been born into privilege. That's
our
money; they're going to have to get theirs—they won't be spoiled. Our kids are going to have little jobs. They're going to be taking the garbage out and raking leaves. Even if they tell us, “Our friends don't have to take the garbage out,” we plan on reminding them, “Your friends don't live here.” When they're older I envision giving them a small amount of allowance money for the entire year. We'll help them figure out how to budget it, but when it's gone it will be gone. That means they will learn the value of money within the safety of our home.

“But, Dad, that's not enough.”

“Well, that's all you've got.”

“Oh, maaan…”

“You better start a dog-walking business!”

One of the most wonderful gifts my parents gave to Cecilie and me was the ability to dream. They constantly put us in museums and libraries and activities where our minds were tickled. Especially as artists, we'll want to expose our children to all kinds of arts and culture. If we can couple that with a love of learning, they'll be able to do anything. We'll want them to value education and understand that it's an important tool they can use to make their dreams come true. Doing well in school and developing good study habits will not be an option, since they'll form the foundation for what happens in their life. They are also particularly important for African-Americans, for whom education has played such an important role in our effort to gain access to opportunities.

Unfortunately, we still live in a world where racial prejudice exists. Therefore, we will teach our children how to interact with diverse people and navigate racism. These days racism more difficult to recognize because it's rarely black and white—it's gray. There are going to be times when our children are going to have to look someone in the eye and ask, “What did you say?” and then handle it. We're not going to teach them “an eye for an eye.” It will be important for us to teach them discernment. There are some black people who will hurt you just as quickly as someone white, Latino or Asian. Above all, we are going to raise them to have a deep love of people. Angela and I know that we're supposed to love our brethren—to experience the world together as children of God. Even when people don't treat them well we will teach them to pray for them.

We are prayerful that we'll be successful in instilling these types of values. Angela and I understand that to the extent we are victorious, God will be able to take our beautiful new children and mold them so He can bring wonderful things to this world through them.

 

As everyone who's already a parent knows, parenting is a humbling experience. Even in the Bible there are few examples of fathers who parented well. That tells me that I have to keep growing and expanding in my relationship and parenting skills, as well as my faith. Already, these babies have turned my world upside down. Even beyond parenting they are making me change. When Angela and I first began trying to get pregnant, I also started to think about what kind of world our children would inherit. What are we going to leave for our children and our children's children, I'd wonder? I had never really thought about that. But just like when I got
married and had to allow different ideas, activities and people to come into my life, I realized I'll need to do the same with the children. Today, the presence of our children gives me the opportunity to shop on different aisles in the grocery store. I had never felt the need to go down the baby aisle before; nor had I felt the need to go down certain avenues in life. Now I'm realizing that it's not just about Angela and me and our immediate family. It's about who's going to take care of them if something happens to us? And I think more about the broader spectrum now. I realize now that sometimes you have to get out there and fight for your world. I've already started to do that.

I've gotten involved with the Boys Club again. From the time I was eight to about fifteen, the Boys Club influenced my upbringing by providing a safe haven for me to hang out at on Saturdays, a place to play little-league football, go to day and overnight camps, do arts and crafts and become a camp counselor. Every child deserves to have that type of environment while they're coming up. Now I have the opportunity to reciprocate. Together, Angela and I have gotten involved with “Save Africa's Children,” a humanitarian mission founded by our minister and mentor, Bishop Charles E. Blake. “Save Africa's Children” is spearheading a movement to address the impact of AIDS in sub-Saharan Africa, where the United Nations estimates that by the year 2010 about
40 million children will have been orphaned!
Now that I am a father, the thought of my children having to fend for themselves is absolutely unbearable. I can't allow that to be okay for anyone else's child. Our church is physically, spiritually and financially supporting a number of orphanages all over the continent. I have become a board member. Bishop Blake likens our outreach to the story of Joseph in the Bible, suggesting that
as African-Americans we can help a generation of our brothers who are living in a “desert.” If not us, who? If not now, when? Yes, we have issues here in the United States, but the problems over there are so much greater and immediate. Angela and I feel obligated from both a human and Christian standpoint. So God has laid it on our hearts, as well as on the hearts of the members of our congregation, to respond.

We are also delighted that the United Nation's Children's Fund (UNICEF) has invited us to be U.S. ambassadors. UNICEF is always on the ground when disaster strikes. They are deeply committed to taking care of people and children all over the world, as I hope people would take care of our children if a disaster were to happen here. They've asked us to choose a country we'd like to visit and begin to establish a relationship with. We are honored and look forward to using ourselves and our celebrity to benefit children in a different part of the world. When they are old enough, we envision traveling with Bronwyn and Slater, providing them with the priceless opportunity to see firsthand how children live in other parts of the world and to extend kindness and their blessings to them. I also know that at some point soon I will bring my life full circle by getting involved in foster care and suicide prevention, since both of those issues have impacted my life and family profoundly.

I think about these types of things now each time I hold my children against my chest, seeing and feeling their chests rise and fall with the life God has breathed into them. I think of the amazing journey of their existence each and every time Angela and I look into their bright little eyes, examine their tiny fingers and toes, then look at each other and marvel. We count our blessings time and time again. I know God has an amazing plan in store for all of us and it's just beginning.
Angela and I will have plenty of time to deal with all of these issues that being a mother and father bring to mind. But for now, we feel content as Mommy and Daddy. Our hands and our hearts are full….