Friends: A Love Story (40 page)

Premarital counseling helps a lot because you can really shine a light on things you might not have been thinking about while you were wining and dining, kissing and hugging, and walking on the beach holding hands. I also think that before you get married it's important to see a person's credit report. Sure, you paid for dinner and that was nice, but how did you pull together the dollars that paid for the meal? You might have spent your rent money trying to impress me. Then when we marry your debt is my debt. That's why I tell people, “Get those credit reports!”

 

Courtney:
Before you get serious with someone, take the time to see who they really are. The fact that it takes time to learn your partner is one important reason why you shouldn't hop in bed right away. If you have sex with a man, he already knows
that he can get that, so he'll be quicker to move on. But if you hold out, your partner has to take the time to know who you are—that is, if he really wants to get to know you. You may feel afraid you may lose him if you don't “give it up,” but that's the risk you have to take to find a decent partner. If he leaves because you didn't have sex with him, then he was going to leave anyway.

If you're already engaged and think you're going to marry someone, make sure you spend time asking all the questions you may ever want to know. Even then, everything's not going to surface until the ring's on, you're married and you're experiencing enough situations together that your really discover who the other is. But before you get married, spend time narrowing the gap between who you thought this person was and who they are in reality. You don't want to wait until after you're married to find out that someone doesn't want to have children or mow the grass. Yet it happens over and over. People think, “Oh, we're in love…” No! That doesn't cut it. Before you walk down the aisle, ask everything you need to ask.

Then, accept who the person tells you they are. The average person's basic character is not going to change. They may learn a couple of things later in life, but for most people, whoever they became in their childhood, that's just who they are. You're not going to change them. If you want a nice guy, look for a nice guy and stay away from the playboy. A nice guy may get on your nerves, but at least you can work with his flaws and foibles.

Advice for married people:

Always honor and respect your husband or wife. Remember, your mate is God's child just as you are.

 

Angela:
Life feels wonderful during the halcyon days of a new relationship. Your face lights up when you see each other, your
heart skips a beat—it's all polka dots and butterflies. The honeymoon period of any romance is exciting, passionate, hot! But over time, psychologists say—especially once people become committed or get married—the honeymoon ends and you settle into daily life. Now you have to clean the house, pay the rent and keep the water on at the same time the car's breaking down. You have to make decisions together and you may or may not see eye-to-eye. You have to deal with each other's family members. Some will be a joy; others may aggravate you to no end. You'll get on each other's nerves. The honeymoon's definitely over. And when you add kids to the equation, there are even more forces pulling you away from each other. With all of these stressful things going on, it's easy to forget just how special your spouse is, and take each other for granted. It takes effort to stay connected to each other.

I think it's important to revisit the honeymoon period during your day-to-day life. Courtney is wonderful at this. He asks me, “How did you sleep?” each and every time I wake up. And he's always saying, “Did I get my kiss today?” He's so sweet and cute! (I may only remember to ask him how he slept once in 150 times.) The way I remind myself of how special he is by sneaking glances at him. It's almost like stealing glances into his spirit, his humanity. I look at him when he's not paying attention, when he's unaware of me. Maybe that's a woman thing, observing. I watch him—his kindness, his generosity, how he interacts with others. And I appreciate him. I observe the times when he's feeling confident and times when he's not. I notice how sometimes he knows exactly what to say to me and sometimes he doesn't. You can learn a lot about someone you love by observing them, especially watching for how they treat people when they're not trying to get anything from them.

 

Courtney:
The Bible always surprises me. I remember when I read in Proverbs:
What is required of a man is kindness.
I was
stunned. The world had always told me the opposite—that I was to be strong and tough. You get no encouragement for being kind, gentle, diligent, persevering, enduring, loving, peaceful, meek or mild. People laugh at you, especially if you are a man. They'll call you weak or a punk. The world is always louder and more vocal than the Lord. Yet when I read that passage of Scripture, the idea of being a kind man resonated in my spirit; I had been raised to be kind and thoughtful—that's just who I am. The more I read, the more I learned that not only was it okay to be kind, but that Jesus was meek. Jesus wiped his disciples' feet. People mistake meekness for weakness, but they're not the same thing. Meekness is controlled strength. Now I understand that God wanted to make me into a gentleman so he could bring a very special gentlewoman to me.

 

In the beginning, make a decision that divorce is not an option. If you cannot take this kind of stand for your marriage with your husband/wife up front in your relationship, odds are that your union won't last.

 

Angela:
I always tell people not to jump into marriage. I mean, you can't go into marriage thinking, “Well, I'm going to give it a try, and if it doesn't work out then so be it.” Because it's easy to get married, but a marriage is too hard to make work if you're not completely committed. Plus, nobody ever talks about the fact that when you get married you tie your souls together. Pulling them apart is painful. Ask anyone who's been through it—getting divorced is hard as hell!

Before you agree to marry someone, I think it's important to check your intentions. If your marriage is to have a fighting chance, just take your time, observe and take inventory of yourself and your mate. Be honest with yourself; the only people who know the spirit of a man are God and the man
himself. Think about what you each have to offer the marriage then thoughtfully evaluate whether you can work out your differences—the credit issues, the debt, the family issues, the children, whether this is a thoughtful person. Because when you're standing at the threshold of marriage, you have to have a made-up mind, not one where you're waffling or teetering. As the mother of one of my girlfriends says, “You'll come up against a lot of stuff in life that's going to work against you. You don't need to help it along.”

Although I don't believe in getting divorced, I'll be the first one to admit that certain behaviors are deal breakers to me—physical, mental and emotional abuse, and drug and alcohol addiction. My mother always told me, “Grown people don't hit grown people.” If you observe the spirit of anyone who's been abused, you can see that it's bad for their spirit. Their self-esteem falls, they scrunch their shoulders, duck their head, walk around on eggshells, become fearful people. That's not how God intended us to live. Witnessing that behavior is also bad for our children. They either become fearful themselves, or the individual wanting to be in control, or wrongly and tragically believe “That's just the way relationships go.”

Psychologists say that people who exhibit that kind of abusive behavior are hiding behind it or using it to anesthetize themselves. Either way, it's not good for you. If they want to help themselves, you can support them to an extent. Love them from a distance—them in rehab and you at home.

 

Courtney:
We Americans will commit to everything except getting married. We'll go through a process to get on the football team; we'll endure the discipline of becoming a ballet dancer; we'll go through the process of becoming a lawyer. But when it comes to getting married, we think, “Whatever….” We don't even find out what it means to be married. What's behind it? Why is it a commitment? Who are you committing to?

Being married is different than being boyfriend and girlfriend. You make a promise and commitment to both God and your partner that I believe you should be taken seriously. People get all hung up on having to feel “in love” all the time. But marriage is not about love
per se
; it's about commitment. That's how you can promise each other that you're closing the door behind you and that there is no way out! I couldn't bear to see the look on Angela's face if I reneged on my vows or was disloyal to her. I couldn't stand the pain of trying to explain to her how or why. So I stay focused on the job, the relationship, the promise and the commitment. They carry me through all the tough and lonely times when we're working or traveling and are away from each other. Of course, in order to make a commitment like marriage and the promise not to get divorced, I suggest that you take the time while you're dating to make sure the person is really right.

Having said all this I also believe that there's no excuse for abuse. If your spouse is abusive, try to get him to get some help, but if he refuses, he's got to go! There's no excuse. It has to be dealt with at the root. If he won't get any help, get away! Get away!

 

Stick with God's divine order for the family. Place God first; your spouse, second; your children, third; work, fourth; and yourself, fifth.

 

Angela:
If you buy something that you have to assemble yourself, the first thing the instructions suggest is that you check that you have all the pieces. Then there's a sequence to how to assemble it. If a couple of pieces are missing, you're in trouble. And if you have all the pieces but don't follow the right sequence, you can't be sure it will work right. The same is true for our family priorities. God has an order for the family. If you want a higher position on this priority list, you're probably better off staying single. Then it will be just God and you.

 

Courtney:
When you get married all your relationships have to shift. Mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends all have to step back. The Bible tells us:
A man should leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh (Genesis 2:24).
That's the primary relationship in life: the husband and wife. When Angela's sister Lynn and her husband, Al, sat us down in their living room before we got married, I'll never forget their advice reminding us of the importance of God's order. Now that I'm married and a parent, I'm clear that when it's time to make decisions you'd better know the order. Forgetting that our spouse is second after God is a major source of marital problems. If you don't know the order and put your children in front of your mate, there are going to be problems in your house. The kids need to know where they stand. I plan to tell our children, “This is Mommy's time with Daddy. Mommy is the queen, and a queen sits on her throne. So let her have her time with Daddy.” By providing them with the example of how we treat each other, Angela and I will teach our children how they should be treated by their husband or wife. They will see that Daddy treats Mommy specially and that Mommy and Daddy are a “united front” when it comes to discipline. Children need boundaries in all aspects of their life, including in their time with Mommy and Daddy.

 

Romance and do special things for each other throughout your marriage.

 

Angela:
It's easy to fall into a pattern of taking care of the children, the house and business ahead of taking care of your spouse. We have to make a priority of taking care of your relationship. Spend time with each other way from your family's day-to-day hustle and bustle. Do something you both enjoy, like listening to the music you fell in love to, trying out a new restaurant, going for a romantic drive. Even do something
that's special to one of you but that the other person might not enjoy as much but can tolerate, then next time switch. Stepping outside of ourselves is good for us. In a marriage it can't be all about you—it needs to be all about
us!
Such tolerance teaches patience, which is required in every union.

 

Courtney:
It's very important to carve out time for each other, to keep dating, to keep sending flowers, to do the little things. If she gets a promotion, send flowers to the office so everyone sees. If she makes a big presentation at work that goes well, take her on a celebratory date. Spend a weekend at a hotel or bed-and-breakfast. Take time to get away and nurture your relationship. Often we speak of women serving their husbands, but one important way men can do this is by serving their wives. Unfortunately in our society men who serve their wives are often called “weak” or “punks.” I know I've had guys tease me and call me weak. Meanwhile, my marriage is growing by leaps and bounds and they're not married anymore. They don't realize that Jesus wiped his disciples' feet. He didn't say a mumbling word to the people who were beating and spitting on him. Yet He could flick one finger and call down legions of angels to do his bidding. The greatest in the kingdom of heaven is the childlike person with a servant's spirit!