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The next mornin my auntie Jessie said we could have the day off and Ah thought brilliant. But my uncle Albert turned round and said we’d need somethin to keep our minds off our ma so he sent us in. It was alright. People kept askin me if it was true my ma was
dead. Ah got extra puddin at school dinners as well. And about halfway through the afternoon my uncle Albert came in for us and took us to Pat’s cafe.

He sat us down in the window seat and went and got us a Coke and a KitKat each. Then he put his hand on Archie’s arm and telt us that he’d always looked at us as just the sort of boys him and my auntie Jessie wished they had themselves. We were strong boys and our ma and da would be proud of us. Me and Archie chewed our KitKats and nodded. Then he telt us. Our ma was dead but we werenay to worry coz we were coming to live with him. Archie got up and ran out. Ah just sat there and finished my KitKat.

The polis brought Archie back three days later. He had a black eye. They said they’d had to restrain him and it took three of them to get him in the motor. They’d found him down the Central Station trying to jump on a train to London. Just like yer da said my uncle Albert, and patted Archie on the head. He gave Archie a cuddle and smiled at my auntie Jessie. Ah’ve never saw my uncle look so sad. No even when we went to the funeral.

A flurry of dead birds brought Sean back to the factory. O’Grady banged those chickens on the line. One after the other. Bang. Bang. Bang. And here we are in the final of the Embassy world chicken-hanging competition at the Crucible in Sheffield. And what a competition
it’s been. O’Grady has struggled to find his form this year and there have been times when we doubted he’d make it into the final. But make it he did and what a game he’s given Hendry. Both players have had opportunities to win, but neither of them have fully exploited their chances. In the last frame we thought O’Grady had lost but Hendry missed an easy three-pounder and gave the frame away. And here we are in the final frame. Two chickens left to go and the pressure is on. O’Grady needs to hang the pair of them to win. He reaches for the first chicken, and look at this, he’s flashing a smile at the crowd, does this man feel no pressure? Listen to them cheer. No wonder they call him the chicken-hanger of the people. The crowd is going wild. Hang them chickens they chant. But O’Grady lets them drift towards the end of the line and the long drop to the floor. Fifty thousand pounds hang in the balance. What is he doing? The chickens are turning and tumbling from the end of the line when O’Grady catches them in mid-air and slams them home. What a hero.

His belly rumbled.

Ah’m fuckin starvin.

If it went on much longer they’d turn up and he’d be sat in the corner, grey and dead from malnutrition. Like a fucking skeleton he’d be. All sucked in at the cheekbones, with a bit of a beard and spiders’ webs hanging from his chin. Clumps of hair missing from his head like some pensioner with leukaemia. Loose teeth stuck in his skin where he’d been gnawing at his fingers. Knees twice as wide as his thighs. He’d have a beer belly like them kids from Ethiopia. He’d have dead eyes and bluebottles crawling over his face, in and out of his mouth, laying eggs on him to hatch into maggots and chew him up. Before he was dead, even. They’d be eating out through his eyes, and in his nose, and saying die you bastard, that one’s for our Charlie, he was only five days old when you pulled his legs off. And the rats would come out and nibble through his wellies until they could get at his toes, his delicious toes, crunched on like spare ribs from the Chinese with that lovely sauce and sitting on a bed of lettuce.

When he went for break he’d start with a packet of
salt and vinegar crisps. Tangy and crunchy and just enough to get the digestion going for the cheese sandwiches. Cheese sandwiches. A nice piece of soft white bread, fresh out the freezer, chewy and slowly releasing the flavoursome cheddar cheese Maggie gets from the Co-op. Washed down with a lovely cup of stewed tea. Nice. Then for afters, a Tunnock’s milk chocolate caramel wafer, over 4,000,000 sold every week.

C’mon ya bastards Ah’m dyin for my fuckin dinner. Them cunts in evisceration had theirs ages ago.

Sean jumped up and down on the spot. Two-footed jumps alternated with little skips. Bum titty jump joggy bum titty jump joggy. After a period of warm-up exercises he started grunting through his nose and jabbing with his left. Jab jab jab. Then he moved on to the complete workout. Bum titty left left-right bum titty left left-right. The world champion was limbering up to take on yet another contender. How many fights has he had this year? Word from his training camp is his confidence has never been this good. According to his manager he is peaking at just the right moment and the training team are convinced he will still be the world champion this time tomorrow. Let’s have a look at the champion and we can see for ourselves how confident this man is.

He ducked and jabbed at the chickens as they passed him on the line. When a bird came he followed it down the line giving it left left-right. The bang on the fat breast had just enough give to make it feel like a human cheek. Sometimes the punch knocked a bit of fat out that looked like a tooth. Sometimes it was just a spray of water like
the saliva from a punched mouth. Mostly it was just the satisfaction of getting the timing right. Send it out with the jabs and bang it hard with the right when it was swinging back. Knuckles deep into the flesh. Lovely. It was like practice for Friday night and they were paying him five quid an hour for it. Nice work if ye can get it.

The rhythm changed and the chickens came down faster and faster. Sean found it hard to catch up and they piled like corpses in the rain. As he tried to pick one up another would bounce off the back of his hand. Sometimes their legs, or shorn feet, would dig him right in the finger. It was like when you’re in a fight and the guy gets a couple in. You need to go like fuck even though you think it’s all over. Keep pluggin away as his father used to say. Never let them win easy, then even if you lose they’ll leave you alone because there are softer targets. And it wasn’t going to be easy with these bastards. It felt like every time you grabbed a chicken by the leg, dragged it from the tangle of bodies, four of its buddies had taken its place. The pile threatened to bury him but the thought of Albert telling the other lads at break how he couldn’t manage his line made Sean catch a rhythm and steam through those chickens like Ali steaming Foreman. His hands moved like lightning. He gave them so many punches they thought they were surrounded. So many lefts they were begging for a right. The round finished and the champion was still undisputed and undefeated.

We’d only been stayin with Albert and Jessie for two weeks when we started at St Roch’s. Ah didnay like it. Ah didnay know anybody. Everybody else was goin about in gangs laughin and talkin and that. A lot of the older guys were smokin and havin dummy fights. Ah just kept my gub shut and tried to get through the day without gettin a batterin.

Ah got home that night and my uncle Albert asked me how was school. Never mind son he said when Ah telt him. Ye’ll soon settle in. He telt Archie to make sure Ah was alright. Archie said if anybody gave me any shite just to tell him and he’d sort them out. Albert laughed and said right enough son tell yer brother if ye get any shite. My auntie wasnay so pleased. She telt Albert to stop encouragin Archie to get into fights. They’re lads Jessie, he said, ye’ve got to expect the odd bit of fisticuffs. Is that no right son? he said, and slapped Archie on the side of the head. Archie tried to duck but he wasnay quick enough for Albert. Well no yet anyway.

Archie said he liked the school. There was some nicelookin lassies. Albert said he didnay want any trouble at the door and him and Archie had a laugh. My auntie said that was terrible and what are they like. She smiled at me. We ate our tea and my uncle went to the Fiveways. Archie went to the youth club. Me and Jessie watched the telly and Ah did my homework.

The next day at school Ah was waitin in the queue for dinners and this third year pushed in front of me. Ah asked him what he thought he was playin at. There’s a line ye know. He gave me a look and asked me what
the fuck Ah was goin to do about it. Ah looked at the floor and said nothin. He was a bit bigger than what Ah’d thought. When Ah was eatin my dinner he sat next to me. He pushed his finger up his nose. Then he stuck it in my puddin. He asked if Ah was goin to eat it. Ah let him have it. Ah didnay want any of his bugs.

At tea that night my auntie was pleased coz Ah seemed ravenous. My uncle laughed and said the O’Grady boys had big appetites Ah thought ye’d know that by now Jessie. Archie dropped his cutlery, wiped his mouth and left the kitchen sayin he was goin out. Albert said he was goin to the Fiveways. My auntie said Ah should go out as well. It’s no good for a lad to be sittin in with his old auntie every night. Ah went into the street and had a game of football. Ah was a good goalie. When Ah was goin back indoors John Gambol said see ye the morra Sean and waved.

The next mornin Gambo called for me on the way to school. My auntie telt him to come in and asked if he wanted a drink of juice. He said no thanks. She asked if he wanted a biscuit. He said no thanks. She asked if he was sure. My uncle said she was embarrassin the boy. When we were walkin down the Cadge Road Gambo said my auntie and uncle were nice. We got to the Fiveways roundabout and Ah saw the guy who ate my puddin. He was with a gang of smokers. Gambo telt me it was Sammy McCann and Ah should steer clear. Nothin but trouble. Best if he doesnay even notice ye. Ah didnay tell Gambo about the puddin. Ah didnay want him to think Ah was a prick.

Sammy spotted me as we were passin but. He started
callin me an immigrant. Me and my family should fuck off back where we came from. Ah kept my eyes down and tried to ignore him. Gambo gave me a funny look but he walked beside me. Ah’ll always remember that. Then when we were almost past Sammy threw an empty can at me and it caught me right on the ear. Ah rubbed my ear and kept walkin.

That was the start of it. My dinners were ate without the puddin. Somebody put chewin gum in my hair. Somebody put a lit fag doubt in the hood of my parka. Ah got in from school and my auntie Jessie noticed the fag burn. She went mental. Asked me if Ah’d been smokin. Ah said no. She smelled my breath and my fingers. Then she asked how that happened. Ah telt her Ah didnay know. She didnay believe me. When my uncle came in Ah was called into the kitchen for a wee talk. He asked me what was goin on. Ah said nothin. He telt me the only way to deal with bullies was to pick out the biggest one and kick fuck out of him. Every bully’s a shitebag son. Stand up to them and they’ll back down. OK uncle Albert, Ah said. But Ah wasnay convinced and he knew it.

He shouted for Archie and telt my auntie Jessie he was takin the boys down the Fiveways. She wasnay too happy. Ah think she knew what was goin to happen. Watch yerself Albert that McGrory isnay as daft as he looks, as we left the house. Typical woman boys, if they’re no worryin about one thing they’re worryin about another. Archie laughed and said aye Ah know.

On the way down he telt us about McGrory. The cunt had borrowed a tenner off my uncle and telt him
to get to fuck when he asked for it back. Albert wouldnay have put up with that shite if it wasnay for the fact that McGrory was with his pals and Albert was with my auntie Jessie.

We piled through the doors of the pub and it went a bit quiet. The barman gied me a funny look. Ah was only eleven. But my uncle asked if he had a problem with the wee boy and the barman shook his head and started pourin my uncle a pint of Guinness. Albert leaned his elbow on the bar and gied his five o’clock shadow a rasp as he looked round the bar. One twenty-five said the barman. And two halves of lager for the boys. Ah cheered up at that. Archie asked for fifty pence for the bandit and my uncle growled and telt him he was pushin his luck.

He paid the barman and gied us our drinks and we went to a table. The lager tasted rotten but Ah couldnay let him down so Ah sipped it and telt him it was grand. He smiled his tight smile and had a swallow of the Guinness. Then he rolled a roll-up and asked us who we thought was the biggest guy in the bar. Archie pointed to a guy at the end of the bar who had three mates with him. Albert took a swallow and nodded. He wiped his lips with the back of his hand. Aye boys that’s McGrory the cheeky cunt.

He got up and telt us to look and learn. Archie rubbed his hands the gether and nudged me in the ribs. Ah farted. My uncle approached the wee team and started talkin to them. Ah saw McGrory eyein him up but Albert was kiddin on he’d hardly noticed him. The guy’s pals spread out a bit. They knew what
was comin and didnay want to get caught in the middle.

It didnay take long for the fireworks to start. It was raised voices and pointin at each other. Ah could see McGrory’s face get a bit red. Then he flung a right hook and Albert ducked, took the hook on the side of the head and got two digs under the guy’s ribs. Then he was up straight, two lefts into the face followed by a hard right and the guy went down like a sack of shite.

McGrory went into a wee huddle on the floor and my uncle gied him a few hard boots in the guts. Where’s my fuckin tenner? he shouted. Then he bent down and grabbed the front of his tee shirt and shook him. Where’s my fuckin tenner? As he done this McGrory put his hands in his back pocket and pulled out a wad. My uncle grabbed the money and pushed McGrory to the floor. His head made a hollow crack as it hit the tiles. Albert peeled a tenner off the wad and threw the rest in McGrory’s face.

He walked back to the table kissin a split on his knuckles, sat down and had a big swig of beer. See what Ah mean boys he said. We nodded. He swallowed the rest of his pint and went up to the bar for another. The barman said it was on the house. Albert sat down and had a couple of drinks. He rolled a fag and telt us a coward dies a thousand deaths but a hero only dies the once. His eyes were sparklin when he telt us that. Then he went for a piss and Archie said that was fuckin brilliant wait till Ah tell the boys about this. McGrory was at the bar bein comforted by his mates. Where were ye? he was sayin to them. They just shook their heads.

The next mornin Archie said he’d walk in to school with me and Gambo. Ah didnay want him to. Last thing Ah wanted was our Archie bein confronted with how much of a shitebag his wee brother was. Sammy noticed Archie and he hesitated but his pals were there so he didnay have a choice. Where’s yer skirt ye Springburn homo? he shouted. Archie looked at me and looked at Sammy as if he couldnay believe what he was hearin. What did ye say ya cunt? he said. Fuck off back where ye belong said Sammy. Archie was across the road and over the railins as fast as fuck. Sammy blinked and tried to mingle with his mates but Archie was havin none of that. Ah saw his head flash and Sammy was reelin back till he bounced off a fence. He put up a good fight but Archie was too strong for him and it wasnay long before Sammy was on the deck. Archie gave him a kick in the guts and told him to pick on guys his own size in future. Then he turned to Sammy’s pals and asked if any of them wanted some. They shook their heads. Gambo couldnay believe it but he’d never saw Archie in action before. That’s how ye deal with bullies Archie said as he wiped Sammy’s blood off his forehead. Just attack the cunts.

Later on at school Sammy came up to me in the dinner hall and asked me to shake his hand. No hard feelins he said. Ah just shook my head. Ah didnay know what to say. Me and Gambo shrugged at each other and finished our dinner. Gambo said he wished he had a brother like Archie. We put our plates on the tray and walked into the playground. Archie and Sammy were in the middle of a gang of lads showin them the details
of the mornin’s fight. Archie said Sammy had some fuckin left hook. Sammy laughed and said fuckin right Ah have. After a coupla weeks the two of them were best pals.