Free to Love (16 page)

Chapter Ten

“Damn!” Austin slammed a fist against the steering wheel as he listened to Joanna’s footsteps fade away. What was it about this woman that made her so right, so totally irresistible?

After what had just happened, he should be furious, feeling put down.

But he
wasn’t
. And he doubted if he ever could feel that way. No...
not
about Joanna.

These past four weeks with her had been a whole lot of heaven and a little bit of hell. It was downright scary, the way she was getting to him him—and now it was worse than ever.
But why?
It
didn’t
make sense. Had he been kidding himself when he said the only reason
he’d
come back was because of the oil spill?

He stared uncomprehendingly into the early morning light. She certainly
wasn’t
the first female he’d enjoyed kissing, holding in his arms, spending time with. But she just could be the last.

Wait—that was ludicrous! What was coming over him? Permanent commitments were sticky business. Something
he’d
always made certain to avoid. Besides, there was no way they could ever patch things up. She was too wounded. Perhaps even feeling betrayed.
But why?
Why did his motives matter to her so? Could she have fallen in love with him?

Did he love her?

A Suburban turned into the lot and parked a few spaces down as his thoughts churned on. Whatever was beneath all this,
he’d
better get control of himself. Fast. This
wasn’t
like him, allowing his emotions to turn to mush—especially over a woman.

Kyle’s woman.

Raking a hand through his hair, he climbed out of the Jeep and gave the door a hard slam. Time to get back to work, he told himself, peering again at the Suburban, where workers were unloading several dozen more birds.

Yes, that was the answer.
He’d
have to keep busy. Throw
himself
back into the rescue efforts. And by the looks of things, he quickly decided, that
wouldn’t
be too difficult.

***

Three weeks passed, and the birds continued to pour in, till finally by the fourth week, the numbers had begun to dwindle.

“Unfortunately, only time will tell the full outcome of the spill on the birds’ total populations,” Joanna explained to a new group of students who had turned out to help at Anchorhold. “Seabirds that came in contact with just small amounts of oil may still succumb after they’ve preened and digested it. Breeding patterns may be seriously altered also. But I’ve been amazed at the fortitude of those that have survived.”

Wide-eyed,
they’d
nodded their agreement.

There’d
been so much work at Anchorhold to occupy Joanna’s energy and time, she’d somehow managed to get through in spite of Austin. Yet as her spirits sank lower with each passing day, her hurt and confusion remained open and raw.

During this interim, she saw little of Austin. He rotated shifts among all three treatment centers and always slept over at Ted and
Helen’s
. Still, she
couldn’t
escape those occasions when their paths
did
cross—the shared fleeting glances, eyes meeting eyes in a highly charged current of unspoken tension.

Funny thing, she found herself thinking during her more rare moments of quiet reflection.
Strange how life sometimes turns out
—in this case, one might even call it a paradox.

In the beginning, when Austin first arrived,
she’d
yearned for this—yearned for him to share her passion for preserving the Earth, the wildlife, the beaches. What good now were common interests and goals when a future between them could never be?

Yet despite her unhappiness, Joanna was deeply touched at the tremendous outpouring of caring and love from so many people.
There’d
been those who had combed the beaches with painstaking deliberateness, the volunteers who had labored long hours at the treatment centers, plus the community members who’d continued to provide warm food and words of encouragement. Good-hearted people had come from both near and far.

“It’s incredible,” Joanna said to Trudy during a brief phone call to bring her up to date. “Though we’ve managed to save and release less than half of the birds brought in, it gives me so much hope to see the way the people have rallied.”

“That’s right,” Trudy agreed. “I’m hearing similar comments here at the aquarium. It might be a cliché about the silver lining around each dark cloud,” she went on, “but I think that’s the best way of summing this all up.
Though the oil spill was certainly a catastrophe, the human response to it made all the difference.”

“Exactly.”
Joanna’s voice caught. “I couldn’t have said it better myself.” Unexpectedly, her thoughts rolled back to Austin. She
couldn’t
help wondering whether Trudy had heard about his return and especially what had happened between them.

Did Trudy still believe
their
dark cloud was lined in silver?

***

“So what’s it gonna be, pal?” Ted Ashelman asked Austin, giving him a long, hard look. “Made up your mind yet?”

“About what?”
Austin asked evasively.

“You know what. You
gonna
take me up on my offer? Sign on as my partner here at
Anchorhold ?”

The two veterinarians were loading up a pickup with gray and white horned grebes. All morning long,
they’d
been hard at work as they’d prepared for the release of the remaining birds.

“I haven’t made up my mind yet, Ted. It’s a tough call.”

“Listen.
Life’s
full of tough decisions. And
you’re
gonna have to quit dillydallying. Didn’t you say you’re due back at the zoo in three short days?”

Austin latched the door closed on a plywood-sided pen, hefted it into the pickup, all the while avoiding the older man’s eyes. “Yes. Three more days,” he answered. “This means I should probably be taking off tomorrow.”

“And that’s what you want?”

“I... I already told you, Ashelman. I still don’t know.”

Ted hitched himself on to the tailgate of the pickup and looked directly at Austin. “So what’s it gonna take to bring you to your senses?
A swift kick in your indecisive rear?
I think you do know. You just
don’t
want to face it, pal. The real problem is you and your little lady, isn’t it?”

Austin swallowed hard as he took three steps back. His voice hardened. “Joanna’s not mine! She’s my brother’s wife.”

“Your brother’s dead, Austin.
Dead and buried.
You’re not.”

“We’ve already been over that,” Austin snapped. “You—of all people—should know I’m finally getting it together again.”

“True, but you haven’t licked it entirely, pal. Not till you face the facts about Joanna Sullivan.”

“What facts?”

“She’s no longer your sister-in-law. And you love her.”

“Oh? What makes you so sure?”

“It’s written all over your face. I might be an old man, Sullivan, but I’m not blind.”

“All right.
Say no more. So you can see right through me.” Austin released a long sigh,
then
spread his hands wide. “I do love Joana. I care for her more than I ever thought possible.” He paused to give a rueful laugh.
“Pretty sorry state for a confirmed bachelor like me, right?”

“Many a confirmed bachelor ended up changing his mind.” Ted’s eyes crinkled at the corners. “I ought to know. I was one of them.”

“So what should I do?” Austin asked. He shoved his hands into his hip pockets, his shoulders slumped.

“Do you love her enough to marry her?”

“Yes—if she’ll only have me.”

“Then you’d better get busy, pal. Your time’s running out.”

***

Joanna parked the navy blue van, marked with the Southport Aquarium logo, onto a dirt strip below an embankment that was overgrown with wild grass.

Kerawk! Kerawk!
Came
the raucous sounds of the murres from the back of the van, where the seats had been temporarily taken out to make room for three dozen pens.

“Hold on, guys,” Joanna said with a laugh. “It won’t be long now.”

Today she promised Ted
she’d
help with the release of the remaining birds. Since vehicles were limited, now that most of the volunteers had stopped coming, Trudy had suggested she take one of the vans that belonged to the aquarium.

Ted and Austin would soon be coming also in a pickup filled with grebes. The release site, Pomroy Point, was a well-protected estuary about sixty miles from Southport. State wildlife officials had determined it suitable because of its combined rocky shoreline, sandy beaches, and tidal mud flats, plus the probability that reoiling would not occur there.

Joanna flung open the van door and stepped outside. Hands on her hips, she stretched her back after the hour-long drive. A brisk wind teased her hair, whipping a strand across her forehead.

She exhaled slowly and
thought,
this is it
. Tomorrow at this
time
Austin would most likely be gone. This time permanently. And as for her,
she’d
be back at the aquarium, glad to be there again, but nevertheless living out each lonely day at a time.

Whatever
—she gave a quick shrug—it
didn’t
matter anymore. Most
likely
she’d never see him again, especially after those hasty words she’d hurled at him when he’d returned to Anchorhold. The memory haunted her, leaving her filled with pain and regret. Now her cheeks burned as she realized anew he
hadn’t
deserved that. At least, not all of it...

How was he to know
she’d
fallen in love with him? After all,
she’d
never told him. Without a
doubt
their kisses, their embraces, had meant nothing more to him than the heat of the moment. What else could she expect from a gorgeous man like Austin Sullivan, a man so vibrantly alive, a man so virile?

Kerawk! Kerawk!
The murres’ squawks sliced through her reverie, jolting her back.

“All right.
I’m coming!” Her mouth lifted in a half smile. The small pens
weren’t
heavy. She anticipated little difficult in lifting them from the rear of the van and carrying them to the release site. So why wait for Ted and Austin to arrive? These birds were eager and restless. They were wonderful, wild things.
Meant to be flying again.
Meant to be free.

She carried one pen after the other over the narrow trail that bisected the knoll. Beyond lay the tide flat where beams of sunlight skittered off the glistening expanse of sand, mud, and gravel. To her right rose a rocky ridgeline, hugging the northernmost shore of the estuary. This would undoubtedly become the murres’ next nesting spot, she thought.

Eyes moist with tears, her heart full, she released the first murre, then the next, and the next. Squawks punctuated the sound of flapping wings. At last the murres were all pressing skyward, brownish-black specks against the azure blue.

“Go, little ones,” she said softly, one arm lifted in farewell. “You’ve fought hard for this. Now go.”

Transfixed, she stood watching... for exactly how long, she
wasn’t
sure. She longed to savor the moment forever, inscribe its significance in the most secret places of her soul.

“Jo.” The sound was nearly a whisper.

Austin.

She turned to face him squarely,
then
looked around. “Where’s Ted?” she asked, feigning nonchalance.

“I... I told him I wanted to come by myself. There
weren’t
as many grebes as we first expected, so I said I could handle it. Actually I already released them at the other end of the bay.” He swallowed hard as his eyes riveted others. “Bottom line is
,
I knew you’d be here alone too.”

“I... I’ve turned loose the last of the murres,” she said, blinking rapidly.

“I know. I was watching.” His gaze was soulful and haunted.

“So... so I suppose you’re almost ready to go again,” she said in a rush.

“That’s what we need to talk about.”

“Oh?”

“I’ve been doing some heavy duty thinking about you... about me. I
don’t
want to go back to California, Jo. But the only hope I could ever have of staying here is if I can
somehow
make you understand.” She saw a muscle in his neck tighten. A hopeful look flashed in his dark eyes, then faded. “But I’m sure you’re still so angry with me, so completely ticked off, there’s no way.”

“Understand what?”

“I realize now how badly I hurt you—especially during a time when you’d already been hurting. I never intended for that to happen. Please believe me. I’ve never meant anything more in my entire life.”