Free to Love (13 page)

“Oh no!
The
job’s
fine.
It’s
everything I’ve wanted for a long, long time. I’m looking forward to going back tomorrow.” Joanna glanced down at her aunt’s wire-framed reading glasses, a bottle of aspirin, and the old white leather Bible on the kitchen table.

“Good. I’m glad to hear you say that.”

“My problem’s Austin,” Joanna said in a rush before Marcella could ask more.

“Ah, yes.” A faint smiled lifted the older woman’s lips. “The very likeness of Kyle himself...”

“Oh, Aunt Marcella.
That’s
just it!
Kyle
and Austin
.
Fighting back tears, she poured out her heart, struggled to describe her escalating confusion. “Sometimes I feel so guilty... spending time with Austin, enjoying myself, letting him help me.”

“He’s not only a sight for sore eyes, he’s also one of the most thoughtful young men I’ve ever known,” Marcella agreed.

“Yes... yes.
He’s
too
handsome,
too
thoughtful. I... I never thought I’d enjoy the company of another man, experience such completeness with anyone other than Kyle.” She gulped before going on. “This is Kyle’s brother we’re talking about, Auntie.
His
only
brother.
I mean, what would Kyle say?”

“He’d say you’re young and beautiful. That he wants you to let go of your grief and live out a full, happy life. And if it turns out that
his own
flesh and blood is the one to show you how, then so much the better.”

“But I feel like I’m a traitor, dishonoring our marriage.” The older woman’s face suddenly wavered through a new surge of tears. “And... and this isn’t fair to Austin either. Even if I did let myself love him, I could never love him truly for himself. I’m afraid Austin would always be a substitute for Kyle.”

Marcella tapped her chin thoughtfully with one finger, pursed her lips, then said, “Time, my dear. Healing takes time, but the healing
will
come. When your Uncle Benjamin died, I thought
I’d
never again see the light of day. But then a few years later, I met Marcus. True, there
weren’t
any family ties, but I still experienced my share of guilt, spent many a night of soul-searching. In the end, I came to realize that while no one could ever take Ben’s place, I could love Marcus in a whole new way.”
She steepled her hands together, peering at Joanna directly over them.
“Some day you’ll come to that place in your life too, dear. And when the time is right, no one—not even me—will need to tell you.”

***

Joanna maneuvered the Subaru back into the driveway and spotted Austin, Ted Ashelman, and Grant Conner, crouched atop the duplex roof, stripping it down to the tar paper. The sun shone through a mellow haze, and the temperature hovered around a pleasant sixty degrees. “Perfect roofing weather,” Austin had said that morning.

They continued working all day till early evening, while Joanna kept a steady supply of submarine sandwiches and iced tea coming.

Later, as Ted had promised, they all drove back to the Ashelmans’ for an old-fashioned clambake—complete with parsleyed potatoes, crispy coleslaw, and a fresh apple pie. Trudy was already there, helping Ted’s wife peel the apples. It
wasn’t
long before Joanna, too, had fetched a paring knife and was sitting at the kitchen table, chatting and laughing with the other two women.

After the picnic table was cleared, the three couples donned lightweight jackets to linger beneath the soft glow of the backyard lights while an amber harvest moon inched higher. Despite the men’s good-humored complaints about sore knees and aching backs, they all agreed it had been a satisfying day.

The following week, the roof was finally completed. Meanwhile, Austin had been so occupied with a myriad of finishing details, and Joanna so busy catching up on her work at the aquarium, their spare time together was sorely limited.

Yet every evening when she returned home and walked through the front door, her heart soared at the sight of him. Now Joanna’s longing grew deeper, creating a vacuum she knew only Austin could fill.
Is this the meaning behind Marcella’s words?
Joanna asked herself. Was it time to let go of the shackles that had bound her?

Yes
!
her
heart cried. The answer was unequivocally yes. Though she would never, ever stop loving Kyle, she was at last free to love Austin wholly, without reservation. She loved him because he was Austin Sullivan, a man in his own right, a gentle giant who had captured her very heart and soul.

But any day now,
he’d
be gone. The work was done, and there was no way— or reason—she could expect him to stay longer. All for the best, her better judgment insisted. Though she
hadn’t
missed Austin’s fleeting, tender glances, she also hadn’t mistaken the sustained tension that was building with each passing day.
Yet what do those glances mean?
a
little voice inside her kept prodding. Did she dare dream that somehow he loved her too?

***

“Where were you?” Stacey asked plaintively on the other end of the phone. “I thought you had Friday afternoons off. I’ve been calling forever!”

“I’ve been at Anchorhold.”

“Oh, yeah!
Now I remember.
That wild animal clinic.”
A brief silence followed. “So what do you do there?” Stacey asked.

“Feed and water the animals, clean cages. Today Ted even let me assist him with surgery. Someone brought in a fawn with a broken leg.”

“Not my idea of fun!” Stacey returned with a giggle. “Any time I get a break from classes, I always head for the mall.”

Joanna laughed too. “And that could prove a disaster for a poor, starving college student like you.
So what’s up, kiddo?”
She looked back over her shoulder at Austin,
who’d
wandered into the front room where she was talking.

“I met a brand-new guy by the name of Robert. He’s so cool!”

“What happened to the other two guys?”

“I ditched them when I met Robert. Honest, this time
it’s
for real. I never knew what love was all about till now.”

“I’m glad, Stace. That’s terrific.” Though Joanna’s reply was sincere, she
couldn’t
help smiling at Stacey’s capricious manner. Joanna’s own college days seemed an eternity ago.

“I have two weeks off at Christmastime,” Stacey babbled on, “and Robert said he might be able to fly out with me. I can hardly wait for you to meet him.” She paused. “That’ll be okay, won’t it? Okay for Robert to come too?”

“Why... er, of course.”

“Good. Because
we’ve
already got our plane tickets. Everything’s arranged.”

Joanna stole another glance at Austin, who was standing with his back turned to her, his stance rigid as he stared out the window. Something was wrong. “Look, Stace, we’ll talk about this more again soon, but I’ve got to scoot. I’ll call you back soon, okay?”

“Oh!
All right.
Promise you won’t forget?’

“I promise. Later.”

“Yeah, later.”

“That was Stace,” Joanna said after snapping her cell phone shut. Momentarily forgetting her uneasiness, she shook her head as she turned to look at Austin. “Sometimes I think her life is nothing but one big soap opera. It’s hard to remember a time I felt that way—if I ever did.”

“Stacey’s doing well in school?”

“Yes.” She shifted beneath his steady gaze.

“Good.” He hesitated. “Jo, we need to talk.
Right now.”

“Uh... sure.”
Her knees felt weak.
This is it.
He’s
going to tell me it’s time for him to go. From now on,
it’ll
be just like before.
An occasional brief phone call.
A greeting card at Christmas.
Yes, the same as before, but a thousand times different.
At the thought, a deep ache filled her.

“I hope I didn’t appear rude,” he said, avoiding her eyes. “I didn’t mean for it to seem as if I was eavesdropping on your conversation with Stacey. It’s just...
well,
I knew if I didn’t get right on with it, I might lose my nerve.”

A knot rose in her chest, making her feel as if she
couldn’t
get enough air. “What is it, Austin?”

“We need to talk about Kyle.”

“Yes.”

He started pacing, his hands linked behind his back. “The day I arrived here,” his words tumbled over themselves, “I told you about how he always wanted to be a firefighter, how he rebelled against our parents’ wishes, and how I supported him.”

“And?”

“I didn’t tell you the entire story.” He stopped pacing and faced her squarely. “There’s a lot more.” His gaze flicked momentarily away. “You may remember my saying how I blamed myself that Kyle lost his life. Well, I think I’ve finally come to terms with that, just like I’m pretty sure you’ve come to better terms with your own grieving.” He faltered before going on. “I realize now—thanks to some terrific talks I’ve had with Ted—that regardless of anything I may have told him, the choice was ultimately Kyle’s.”

“Of course it was.” She swallowed hard. “Besides, he died doing what he loved the most.”

“But he also died knowing he was leaving you behind.” Austin’s face darkened. “Shortly before he asked you to marry him,” he continued, “Kyle came to me to ask a favor. My brother knew he’d chosen a high-risk profession and was concerned about your welfare if something should ever happen to him.”

She nodded. “Yes. We talked about that—but only a little.”

“Still, what you didn’t talk about, I know, was my promise to him.”

“What promise?” Apprehension, like spiked icicles, stabbed at her as she read the anguish mirrored on his handsome face.

“Kyle asked me to swear that I’d look out for you till you were back on your feet. Of course, at the time,
I’m
sure that neither of us believed that would ever really come about. A little denial can sometimes help take the rough edge off things, you know.”

“So that’s why you decided to stick around and help me?” she asked in a small voice.

“Yes. I have to confess,” Austin continued, “in the beginning, I did a pretty half-baked job of making
good
my promise. Every time I called, it sounded as if you had it all together. I figured you’d made the adjustment as well as could be expected, that there was no need for me to keep closer tabs on you.” He paused, studying her intently. “But when I arrived here in Southport, thinking I was only passing through town, I realized I made a humongous mistake.”

She forced her eyes from his. She felt a numbing sensation as the truth seeped in. So Austin’s concern had been driven by mere duty. And now he was still duty-bound. The yellow roses, the intimate dinners,
the
romantic walks on the beach... they’d all meant nothing.

“But why didn’t Kyle tell me this?” she asked.

“Kyle realize from practically the first day he met you that you were independent and proud. He believed if he explained about our agreement, you would insist it
wasn’t
necessary.
That’s
why I’ve held out till now too. I was afraid if you sent me away, I’d have lived the rest of my life wrestling with an even greater guilt—the guilt of knowing I shirked my responsibility.”

“So ultimately Kyle didn’t think I could make it on my own?”

“No, it wasn’t that exactly. He just loved you so much, Jo. He didn’t want to see you struggle unnecessarily.” His eyes locked with hers. “But now it appears you’ve gotten through it. You have a terrific job, new friends too. You’ve dedicated yourself to the things that mean so much to you.” He spread his hands. “And the work here is done. You can advertise for tenants any time now.”

“Yes.” She stood up too, hugging her arms about her chest. Tears burned at the back of her throat. If life was so wonderful, why was this foreboding dark cloud pressing down on her?

“As you know, I didn’t bring much,” he went on. “It won’t take me long to pack.”

She inhaled a steadying breath. “When do you plan to leave?”

“First thing in the morning.
But this is it for us, Jo. I’m saying good-bye right now.”

***

Austin peered through the light rain at the ribbon of highway that snaked ahead. It was a few minutes past five. Off to a great start, he thought.
The best time of day to be hitting the road.

As he sped on, he caught sight of an occasional light glittering through a house window.
Early risers.
Families.
Perhaps husbands and wives, sitting down together over morning coffee.
Or parents feeding little ones in high chairs, preparing for another busy day.

Vroom, vroom
.
He could still remember those childhood scenes... a bit hazy, perhaps, but still fixed in his mind. He remembered how his parents had played airplane with Kyle whenever they attempted to feed him hot cooked cereal or pureed prunes. How, sometimes,
he’d
taken his turn at helping feed Kyle too. Though his parents had been away a lot pursuing their professions, they were nevertheless a happy family. At the thought, his gut twisted. His eyes smarted.