Fox Fate (17 page)

"It doesn't matter," I said finally. "If not for the wager, it would have been funny. Play your games if you want. I won't be so sufficiently invested in the outcome to get worked up. I'll consider it my fault for accepting a wager that mattered to me. Which is what I told you last night, but you wouldn't let it go. Can we let it go now?"

"I didn't cheat," she said, her tone sullen.

I stared at her. "Fine," I said. "You didn't cheat. You outfoxed me. I'll never mention it again, and I'm sorry I accused you."

"You're just saying that to shut me up."

I blew out a breath of air. "What do you want from me? I admitted I was wrong. I apologized for my mistake. I promised I won't bring it up again. What else do you want? Do you want me on my knees in front of you, begging for your forgiveness?"

"No," she said. She turned away. "I don't know what I want."

"Well then maybe it's fair to understand why I don't, either. I need some air. I'll be in the library." I moved towards the door, but she was closer and got there first. I came to a stop, staring up at her.

"What?" I asked. "Do I need a security detail to go to the library?"

She crossed her arms. "I need to know if you're going to storm off."

"I am going to storm off to the library. My interpretation of behave means I don't leave the house without
permission
." I choked out the last word. "Once I have
permission
, I presume I also make sure I'm no more than ten yards from Serena. I'm not going further than the library. Or are you locking me in here for the night?"

"We're not done discussing the other issue."

"Oh, I think we are. There's nothing more to be said."

"There is plenty to be said. When it comes to your safety, are you going to submit to my authority or not?"

That almost set me off yet again, but I managed to clamp my mouth closed on the initial words before they tumbled out. She crossed her arms and waited for my response. Finally I spoke coldly.

"I didn't ditch my security. I promised I wouldn't anymore, in spite of how much I hate that you won't let me step outside our door alone. But that's not good enough for you, either. When are you going to be satisfied you've taken enough of my freedom?"

"What is wrong with wanting you safe?"

"If you really feel the way I did when you were pregnant, we both know you'll never be satisfied. First it was a security detail only when it truly was necessary. Then it became a security detail any time I left the compound. Now it's a detail if I step out of the house. But the new step is telling the enforcers they can manhandle me any time they find it convenient. Eventually you won't let me go flying or kayaking. Then you won't let me play games during pack play nights, first in Bayfield, and then Madison. After that, the wall you promised you won't build. But even that won't be enough. After that, either it will be a cell or an underground bunker. When does it end, Lara?"

She didn't answer.

"Furthermore," I added, "you have now told the enforcers I am no longer their alpha. If that's your choice, I grant that is your choice."

"I did not!"

"Bullshit! When they are free to threaten harm to me, I no longer have any authority at all. I question whether I have authority when I don't have my basic freedom of movement, but I agreed to
behave
because they all blackmailed me, even Angel. And you let them! Did you put them up to it?"

"No. I didn't know about that."

"Well, your refusal to offer me the same rights everyone else has almost resulted in our pack having no enforcers at all."

"Your stubbornness-"

"Right," I said, interrupting. "I'm just the fox. I should remember my place."

"You know it's not like that!"

"Bullshit!" I screamed. "How would Elisabeth respond if her mate tried to treat her the way you treat me?"

She didn't have an answer to that.

"I'm not asking for a single
right
-" and I stressed that word heavily, "-more than every other adult in the pack."

We glared at each other some more, both of us breathing heavily. Her face was red, and I could see her pulse ticking in her forehead. I didn't think my appearance was much different.

"I will tell you this, Alpha: if my free will is the price of membership in the pack, then I will resign from the pack. If anyone lays hands on me again the way Serena and Eric did tonight, it better be to pull me from the path of a speeding bus, or she will be tasting silver. Now get out of my way. I am going to go calm down."

She didn't say a word, but she stepped aside.

* * * *

We had an audience; of course we did. We weren't exactly quiet. Everyone in the house would have heard the fight. And the enforcers wouldn't be doing their jobs if they all were in bed. I didn't actually see anyone until I reached the stairs. Angel and Karen had the duty, and they were standing in the foyer. They both hastily turned towards the windows when I appeared, but I knew they were watching for me.

I didn't say a word but simply headed for the library. When I arrived, Hanna was just leaving, clutching a book.

"Alpha," she said, lowering her eyes as she scurried past me.

A moment later, I heard Angel's voice. "Michaela." It was a whine more than anything.

At first, I was going to ignore it, but I stopped in the doorway to the library. I stood there for a moment.

"Our fight had nothing to do with you, Angel," I said.

"You can't leave," she said. "You can't!"

I turned to face her, to face them both. Karen wasn't watching me; she was pretending to do her job, watching out the window beside the door. And I knew elsewhere, at least one more wolf would be on duty, more well-hidden than these two were.

"I appreciate what the enforcers do for me," I said. "I appreciate that you are watching over all our safety. I sleep soundly at night, knowing all of you keep us safe. I don't startle at the bumps in the night, because I know one of you will see to it. When I go for a run, I know the woods are safe, that I won't find myself the target of a hunt." I paused a moment, considering.

"Angel, what happens to a wolf who isn't allowed to hunt?"

"We eventually go mad," she said.

"What do you think would happen to me if I didn't think I was free?"

"But-"

"Given my history, how do you think I react any time a wolf -- even a wolf I trust as much as Serena -- handles me the way I was handled tonight?"

"But she wouldn't hurt you! You know that."

"I thought I did," I replied, "until she promised to break my wrists if I didn't do exactly what she said." I shook my head. "I just argued with my spouse about it. I'm not going to argue with you, too."

And then I turned my back on both of them and disappeared into the library, closing the doors behind myself. At least I didn't slam them.

* * * *

I read for a while, although I couldn't have told you what it was. I wasn't remotely interested in going back upstairs, and so I curled up on the sofa to sleep.

It wasn't comfortable, and I kept waking myself back up.

Then Lara was there. She sat on the edge of the sofa looking down at me.

"Are you coming to bed?"

I didn't even bother looking at her. "No."

"This sofa doesn't feel very comfortable."

"It's not," I said, "but at least it's not trying to rip my spirit to shreds."

"Michaela, that's not what I'm trying to do."

"Go away, Lara." I rolled over, offering a cold shoulder. Literally.

She stayed there for another minute or two, staring down at me I was sure, but I never looked.

I wanted her to tell me it was all going to be all right.

But then, without another word, she got up. I heard the library door close, but then I heard her speaking to Elisabeth.

"I'll put someone on duty outside the window."

"No," Lara said. "She promised. She's not going anywhere." She sighed. "I just want her safe, Elisabeth. Why can't she see that?"

"She does, Lara," Elisabeth replied. "But her freedom means more to her."

"How many times has she almost died?" Lara asked. Her voice caught in her throat. "Johnny Mack nearly killed her. The vampires took her. Other vampires nearly killed her. How many times did she almost die before she came to us? Is that what she wants to return to? She's not 21 anymore. When will her luck run out?"

"Lara, you've almost killed her," Elisabeth said. "Twice that I know of. One of those times, you nearly hugged her to death. David almost killed her. Natalie almost killed her. She almost died during a poker game while doing exactly what you asked her to do. She was taken from us while she was doing what we told her to do. How many fox hunts has she survived? Three of them were in Wisconsin, Lara. She could have died when she tried to fly to Iowa. She could have died while handling Iowa, and was at a whole lot greater risk because we refused to help her. How many times have we watched her heal cracked ribs in front of us? She broke her wrist during training once and again for her second ransom night, while doing what we told her to do. How close was I to killing her when I gave her a concussion during her trial? What risks does she take just playing our games with us, or going for a run in the woods?"

"I know all that, Elisabeth!" Lara said. "Doesn't she see how fragile she is?"

"Don't you see how strong she is?" Elisabeth countered.

I heard shuffling, and then my mate said, almost as a wail, "I'm losing her, Elisabeth!"

Then I heard muffled crying.

"No you're not," Elisabeth said. "She loves you and the kids too much to leave you."

"When have you heard her ever make an idle threat?" Lara asked. "She doesn't threaten; she promises. And she keeps her promises."

They had to know I could hear every word; the library doors weren't that thick. I wondered if the entire conversation was for my benefit.

I didn't know.

After that, I heard them slowly ascend the stairs.

I lay there for a long time after that, staring at the fabric of the sofa cushions. It was decidedly uncomfortable, and I was cold besides, so eventually I shifted into my fur and curled up into a tight ball, my back pressed against the cushions of the sofa and my tail over my face, warmer in fur than in my pajamas.

Easier

I slept poorly, finally drifting off more solidly at about dawn.

It was full light when someone sat down beside me on the sofa; it disturbed me she had gotten all the way into the room without waking me.

I never used to sleep that soundly, but then I'd always been responsible for my own safety. I knew, even if Lara and I were fighting, the enforcers would keep me safe, and so for years I'd been able to sleep without being on the edge.

But sitting down next to me was a little closer to oblivious than is healthy for a werefox in a werewolf-run world.

I expected it to be Lara. Instead when I peeled my tail from over my eyes, I saw Serena looking down at me.

"Alpha," she said, "I would like to speak with you."

I wondered if she had come to resign.

I blinked at her a few times before lifting my head. I chuffed at her, a weak chuff, then I stood, still on the sofa, and stretched. I heard a few creaks, and then I jumped from the sofa and gave another good stretch before shifting human. With my back to Serena, I pulled my pajamas back on.

Then, with my back still to her, I asked quietly, "Are you here to yell at me?"

"No, Alpha."

"Resign?"

"No."

And so I moved back to the sofa, sitting down next to her. I couldn't quite look her in the eye.

"Are you firing me?" she asked.

"I don't have that authority," I replied.

"If you did, would you?"

At that, I looked up at her, and I felt my eyes filling with tears. "No."

"Michaela-"

"I sleep because of you, Serena," I said. "I'm safe because of you. I'm convinced I'm alive because of you, well, because of all the enforcers, but you, Elisabeth, and Lara more than the rest."

I glanced at the library door. It was closed, and we were alone.

"I don't want Lara to know this," I said. "Has anyone guessed why I wanted to know about other werefoxes?"

"You wanted to know if you were alone."

I looked down at my hands. "I wanted to know if I could have kits." And then I burst into tears. "There are only two of us left," I blubbered. "And we're both girls. My race is nearly extinct, Serena!"

She pulled me into her arms and rocked me as I cried against her shoulder. Slowly, in bits and pieces while still crying, I told her the rest.

"I vowed I wouldn't bring more foxes into this cruel world, but I knew you would keep them safe, Serena. I thought maybe it would be okay. But it's moot. There have never been any foxes in Africa or South America. The Mexico and wolf packs are even worse than the ones up here, so there's no way there are any living foxes there. Carissa and Greg are sure I'm the last in the US. Ekaterina said Sonya is the last she knows of in all of Russia, although she admits Siberia is vast. Even if there are any there, or any in Canada, I'll never find them. If I could go myself, maybe, but Lara would never allow that."

She tightened her arms at that. The entire time I cried, she made soothing sounds, not speaking any words, just listening.

But then she asked quietly, "Does Carissa know why you were asking."

"Yes."

She held me for a long time.

"I'm sorry I was a bitch last night," I told her eventually.

"You had all this in you, didn't you?"

"That's not an excuse."

I pushed away from her. "Lara and I are both so intense. And my relationship with Elisabeth is a little weird. But you're so grounded. You're not old enough to be my mother, but sometimes I see you that way anyway."

She smiled.

"What time is it?" I asked her.

"Pushing eight. Deirdre will be here about nine."

I looked away. I had forgotten we were to spend time with Deirdre today. "What is the plan?" I asked quietly.