Found (27 page)

Picturing her in his arms, remembering how
she had sobbed his name in pleasure, and tasting her sweet juices
finally brought about his own painful climax. Xairn groaned her
name and winced as the pearly white cum jetted from the tip of his
secondary shaft, calming his need at last.

Panting, he slumped against the bathroom
wall. He was grateful that the tension had been released, but
touching himself rather than having a female touch him was an
agonizing experience. Still, he realized, it was something he would
probably have to repeat over and over if he wanted to stay with
Lauren without hurting her.

Worth it,
he told himself, cleaning up
and refastening his flight pants.
If it keeps me from taking
her, from forcing her, then the pain is worth it a thousand
times.

Taking a deep breath, he glanced at himself
in the mirror. His eyes were normal—well, what was normal after
having his DNA altered, anyway. They seemed to be a very peculiar
shade of bluish green but Lauren thought them quite beautiful,
which was all that mattered to him. It did bother him that they’d
gotten so hot while he was touching her—which was when Lauren had
said they’d gone back to their original color, too. Slk had warned
him that his Scourge DNA might resurface under circumstances of
extreme emotional duress. Was that what was happening?

It must not happen,
Xairn told himself
almost desperately. He sensed that whatever tenuous control he had
over his sexual urges was linked to the human DNA he had gotten
from Lauren. If he reverted back to his Scourge form completely, he
would lose the small edge that allowed him to hold himself back,
that kept him from hurting her. Even
with
the human DNA he
was having a difficult time restraining himself. Without it, he
would have no chance at all.

He looked at his eyes more closely.
They
went back to normal after my tension was released,
he thought,
frowning at his reflection. Perhaps his eyes flickering back to
their old color was just a side effect of doing anything sexual.
Maybe he had nothing to fear. Xairn hoped so, anyway.

There was one other thing that bothered him,
though—he’d been able to hear her thoughts several times as he
touched her. That wasn’t right or normal. Though he had wished for
it many times, he and Lauren had no mental connection like the
Kindred had with their brides because they weren’t bonded. The only
other person he knew who could read minds and pluck thoughts from
the brains of others was his father—the AllFather.

No,
Xairn told himself firmly.
No,
I’m not like him. I don’t have his abilities or his perversions. I
refuse to believe it. I want nothing to do with him, ever
again.

It was time to face Lauren and try to explain
why he’d run from her. Pushing his father out of his mind and
squaring his shoulders, he turned the doorknob and went back into
the bedroom.

Lauren heard the bathroom door open and the
light shut off but she didn’t turn around to look at him. She
didn’t want him to see the disappointment and hurt in her eyes.
Didn’t want him to know how painful it had been to lie there on the
bed, abandoned, while he took care of himself rather than making
love to her.

She lay on top of the covers but she’d put
back on her t-shirt and panties, not because she was cold but
because she felt exposed without them. It was one thing to let
Xairn see her naked while they were being intimate but she still
wasn’t comfortable enough in her skin to run around in her birthday
suit 24-7. Even back on the Fathership when she’d had no choice
about her nudity she had always tried to cover herself, at least
until Xairn gave her his cloak.

She’d turned off the lights and she didn’t
offer to turn them back on as he made his way to the bed. There was
enough illumination coming from the long, high window that ran the
entire length of the condo’s west wall for Xairn to see where he
was going.

The bed creaked as he sat down beside her.
Lauren shifted but didn’t turn over. “You okay?” she asked, trying
to keep her voice neutral.

“Fine.” Xairn cleared his throat. “Much
better now that…much better.”

“You mean you’re better since you took care
of yourself?” Lauren rolled over to face him and propped a hand
under her head.

“Well…” Xairn cleared his throat. “Yes,” he
said at last. “That is what I mean.”

“You didn’t have to do that, you know.”
Lauren touched him lightly on the arm and he twitched, as though he
was trying not to pull away. It hurt her feelings but she made an
effort not to show it. “I would have helped you at the very least,”
she said softly. “I mean, even if you didn’t want to…to make
love—”

“I didn’t want your help,” he said
stiffly.

“I see.” Lauren withdrew, feeling like he’d
slapped her. “Sorry for offering.”

“No, I didn’t mean it that way. I just…”
Xairn ran a hand through his hair in obvious frustration. “I was
afraid. I had to leave because—”

“Because you didn’t want to hurt me,” she
said flatly. “I know. You’re so sure I’m going to break the minute
you touch me you have to bolt out of the room as soon as things get
a little intense.” She knew she wasn’t exactly being fair but she
felt hurt—rejected.

“You don’t understand,” he said in a low
voice.

“Yes, I do,” Lauren insisted. “But Xairn
honey…” Sitting up, she reached out to caress his cheek. “I’m a big
girl. I can handle a little rough sex.”

“A little rough sex?” He turned to her and in
the dim lighting she could see that his eyes had gone red-on-black
again. His red pupils were glowing like rings of fire, blazing in
the darkness like a demon’s.
“A little rough sex?”
His voice
was a low, threatening growl. “Is that all you think I want from
you?”

“Well, I—”

Suddenly he was on top of her, his big body
pinning her to the bed. “Do you have any idea of the things I want
to do to you?” he demanded. “Of the urges I have? The desires I’m
fighting every minute, every
second
I’m with you?”

“Xairn, please…” Lauren tried to struggle but
it was useless. He was too big and heavy on top of her. She bit her
lip as she felt the hard ridge of his cock dig into her thigh.

“Every time you touch me, I want you,” he
growled, looking into her eyes. “I want you like this, Lauren.
Under me. Helpless. Your legs spread, your arms tied above your
head so you can’t move…can’t get away no matter what I do to
you.”

He thrust against her and his shaft found the
cleft of her sex. Lauren moaned as he parted her pussy lips through
the thin cotton panties and rubbed relentlessly over her throbbing
clit.

“Xairn, please…” she gasped breathlessly. The
fear inside her was being overtaken by a perverse kind of pleasure
now. He’d touched her so gently earlier, had stroked her clit so
tenderly until she came, and Lauren had enjoyed it immensely—until
he ran away, that was. Now, though she sensed he was still holding
back greatly from using all of his immense strength, he was being
rough. And strangely, it was turning her on.

“Please, what?” he demanded, grinding against
her again. He forced her hands above her head and pinned both
wrists to the mattress with one large hand. “I thought you didn’t
mind this, Lauren. It’s just ‘a little rough sex.’ Isn’t that what
you said?”

Fear and pleasure rolled through her in a
confusing mixture of emotions. “I…I didn’t mean I wanted you to
rape me!” she protested.

Xairn released her and rolled off
immediately. “Yes, and that’s what it amounts to, doesn’t it?
Rape.” He sat on the edge of the bed and buried his face in his
hands, his broad shoulders hunched miserably. “An ugly word for an
even uglier action. Gods, Lauren…”

“Xairn…” Lauren’s body still throbbed with
the intimate contact but she had no time to think about that now.
She tried to push aside the strange feelings she’d had while he was
pinning her to the bed and just focus on him. “Xairn,” she said
again, reaching out to touch him.

Xairn flinched but didn’t pull away. Lauren
ignored the involuntary movement and wrapped both arms around him
from behind. Pressing her cheek to his shoulder, she held him.

Xairn stiffened in her arms. “Let me go,” he
said in a low voice. “Before I hurt you.”

“You’re not going to hurt me,” Lauren
insisted. “And I’m not afraid of you—no matter how you try to scare
me.”

“I wasn’t trying to scare you,” he said
roughly. “I was just showing you a small part of the desires I keep
locked inside. Letting the beast out of the cage for just a
moment.”

“You’re not a beast.” Lauren hugged him
tightly. “You’re my Xairn and I love you.”

“I love you too.” He sighed. “Which is why I
ought to go now, before I hurt you. Before I do something we’ll
both regret as long as we live.”

“Don’t you dare!” Lauren let go of him and
scooted off the bed. Grabbing him by the hand she demanded, “Come
with me!”

Xairn stood up and allowed himself to be
dragged to the door. “If you want me to leave your living space,
you have only to say so,” he protested. “I don’t blame you and I
will go at once without being forcibly ejected.”

“I’m not
ejecting
you.” Lauren was
torn between love and exasperation.

“Then where are we going?” Xairn gave her a
confused look as she dragged him out of the condo and around back
to where the Kindred ship/car was parked.

“You’re going to give me the keys.” Lauren
stopped beside the small silver car and held out her hand.

He frowned. “Forgive me, Lauren, but you
don’t know how to fly this vehicle.”

“I don’t want to fly it. I just want to make
sure
you
don’t fly away in it. So give me the keys so I can
be sure you won’t just up and leave and go someplace I can never
find you.”

Xairn shook his head. “Kindred ships don’t
work like that. There is no ‘key’ to start the ship.”

“Then give me a piece of the engine.
Something small I can hold onto but you can’t get away without it.
Like a sparkplug or something.” Lauren held out her hand
insistently. “I mean it, Xairn. Now.”

He gave her a long look, then shrugged and
lifted the hood of the engine compartment. After rummaging around
for a moment, he produced a small silver ring and wiped it on his
shirt. “Here.” He held it out to her. “The O-ring from the hydrogen
scoop mechanism. The ship will be unable to start without it.”

“Perfect.” Lauren took the ring from him and
examined it in the light from the sodium arc lamp overhead. It was
very small and surprisingly elegant for an engine part. After a
moment’s deliberation, she slid it onto her left ring finger where
it fit perfectly. “There.” She looked up at Xairn. “That’s not
exactly how I imagined it when I pictured getting a ring from the
man I love, but oh well. The important thing is you’re not going
anywhere.”

“I don’t think this is a wise idea, Lauren,”
he protested as they walked back into the condo. “I think I should
go before—”

She held up a hand. “Please don’t start that
again. Come on.” She led him across the room and pushed him down to
site on the side of the bed. Then she stood in front of him, hands
on her hips.

He looked up at her, his eyes filled with
dejection, his big shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry, Lauren,” he said
in a low voice. “Sorry that I don’t know how to give you what you
need without losing control.”

“Oh, baby…” Lauren shook her head and sat
down beside him. “You know what the problem is?” she said, rubbing
his back soothingly. “You’re not a monster and you’re not a
beast—you just have trouble telling the difference between sexual
and non-sexual touching.”

He frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean there’s a difference between giving
someone a hug and wanting to fuck their brains out,” Lauren said
bluntly. She sighed. “I can see why this is a problem for you—you
had a really dysfunctional childhood to say the least. But I think
with a little work we can move past it.”

“I don’t know.” Xairn shook his head. “And I
don’t know understand how there can be different kinds of touching.
All I know is that I don’t want to touch anyone but you. And when I
do
touch you, or you touch me, it makes me feel…” He made a
frustrated noise in the back of his throat.

“Feel like what?” Lauren encouraged. It was
good they were talking about this, getting it out in the open.

“Feel like I want to…to do what I told you
earlier.” He looked down at his hands. “Like I want to take
you—bond you to me forever.”

“You’re talking about bonding sex? Where
your, uh, both your…” Lauren cleared her throat. “Both your pieces
of equipment are engaged?”

“Yes.” He looked up at her. “It would tie us
together forever—form an unbreakable bond that could never be
severed.”

“And you don’t want that with me?” Lauren
tried not to feel hurt. “I mean, I know it’s really early in our
relationship to be talking about a permanent commitment but I love
you, Xairn. The idea of being with you forever doesn’t scare
me.”

“It should.” He shook his head. “You have no
idea how savage bonding sex with a Scourge can be. You’re a human
female and you’re not built to withstand it—I won’t do that to you,
Lauren.”

“So what are you saying?” She crossed her
arms over her chest. “That we can never be together that way? Never
make love?”

“It’s not making love.” His voice dropped to
a growl. “It’s fucking
rape
. I won’t do it to you—I
can’t.”

“Xairn…”

“In fact, I think it would be best if we
curtailed our sexual activity for the time being.” He looked at her
earnestly. “Just to be safe.”

Lauren repressed a sigh. “Okay, honey, I
understand that you want to take it slow. How about this—only
non
sexual touching for awhile.”