Forever and Always (35 page)

On the Thursday before the wedding she went with her Mom, Grace, Lucy and Katie for her final fitting and cringed when there was a collective gasp when she pulled off her jacket.

“Melanie
have
you lost more weight” Hannah the dressmaker exclaimed, her question was echoed in everyone else’s eyes.

“Um I don’t know” Melanie replied unable to look any of them in the eye. She saw Lucy and Grace give each other a knowing look.

“I think you have” she sighed. “Let’s get this dress on and see how it looks”. Inevitably the dress was a little too loose so while they waited Hanna took it in at the sides a little before Melanie tried it on again. She looked stunning but on the inside she felt anything but.

She had chosen a classic design. The dress was satin with a full shirt and a sweet heart neck line and plunging back. The satin was cover with the most beautiful delicate lace with scalloped flowers that rose up over the top of the dress and created the most delicate straps on the dress. It was elegant and simply stunning and looked like it had been designed especially for Melanie.

Sarah began to cry when her daughter had stepped out of the dressing room and told her that no bride has
never
looked more beautiful. She smiled at her Mom and hugged her tightly but she knew she didn’t feel like a beautiful bride. She felt like a fake. She was going to wear this dress and stand in front of all her family and friends and promise to love a man for the rest of her life all the while she was longing for another man she could never have.

She returned to her apartment alone. She climbed out of the car and her body felt like lead. She walked towards the apartment door as she thought that this was the last time she would return home to her little apartment. This would be the last night she would get to be the person she was and lived the life she loved. She felt miserable and longed to just curl up on her bed for the last time and give into her heart break.

On the Friday, the day before the big day.
Simon collected her from her apartment and brought her to her father’s house where she was spending the night and where she was leaving for the church the next day. It was decided Alex’s place would be better because she wouldn’t have to face four flights of stairs or a lift in her dress.

He pulled up outside her Dad and turned off the engine. His heart broke as he looked at this woman he loved. This was supposed to be the happiest day in a girl’s life, but when he looked at Melanie all he could see was pure sadness.

“So we finally made it” he said. Reaching over and taking her hand. “You know I love you right”.

“I know” she smiled but she didn’t tell him she loved him back because she knew he would know it was a lie.

“I am going to make you happy Mel” he said as he squeezed her hand tightly. “I promise I will make everything alright”.

“I know you will Simon” she replied and leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. “I should go in my Dad will be waiting. Grace is cooking a family dinner tonight”.

She opened the door and turned back to Simon and smiled.

“Thank you Simon” she said softly.

“What for?” he asked.

“For being you” she replied and smiled once again before she climbed out of the car and closed the door. She stood on the curb as she watched him drive away. Then with a heavy heart she turned and walked up the pathway to her Dad’s door.

“Hey Mel” Jamie said and wrapped his arms around her when he answered the door.

“Hey Jamie” Melanie replied wrapping her arms around her little brother and hugged him tightly.

“Are you ok?” he asked when she released him from her arms and looked at her strangely.

“Yeah why? “she
asked and she ruffled his hair.

“Your eyes look sad” he explained honestly.

“Well I am happier now that I am here with you” she smiled and hugged him again and planted a big wet kiss on his cheek.

“Eww” he cried wiping his face with the back of his hand. “Girls are so weird”.

Melanie laughed and followed him down the hallway to the kitchen.

Sarah and Tom were already there and were sitting at the table with Alex and Grace drinking wine and chatting when she walked in behind Jamie.

“Here’s the bride now” Sarah exclaimed as she got up from her seat and hugged Melanie. “I still can’t believe that this time tomorrow my baby is going to be a married woman”.

“OK Mom” Melanie said and turned to the others and asked. “How much has she had to drink”
.

“Not that much” Alex said with a laugh as he too rose from his seat and came to greet Melanie with a kiss. “Hey Kiddo, how are you?
”.

“I am fine” she lied.
“Starving” another lie.

“We are going to order a take away” Alex said.
“Your choice”.
Melanie looked over Alex’s shoulder and saw Jamie mouthing the word “Pizza” and
hold
his hands together in a begging way.

“Eh Pizza” Melanie replied and laughed as Jamie fist pumped the air with delight.

While they all demolish the pizza and a couple of bottles of wine, Sarah asked was it ok if she put on some music. She got up and slid her IPod into the dock on the side board and switched it on. Seconds later the sound of Neil Diamond’s “Hello again” filled the room. Melanie couldn’t breath as the words washed over her. She missed Sam so much she thought the pain in her heart might actually kill her.

She tried hard to concentrate on her pizza but she couldn’t force another bite down passed the huge knot of grief that was in her chest and was almost choking her.

Alex’s watched her daughter as he could see her heart break visibly etched across her face. He looked at Grace and she nodded confirming she too could see it and she shook her head and nodded towards Sarah letting Alex know not to say anything in front of Sarah.

After a few more songs Sarah announced she going home to get some beauty sleep. She kissed Melanie and promised she would be around bright and early to help her get ready.

After they left Grace called it a night too and ushered a very unhappy Jamie up the stairs ahead of her leaving Alex and Melanie alone.

“You want more wine” Alex asked holding up half empty bottle of wine.

“Sure” Melanie said holding out her glass. When Alex poured them both out a glass he suggested they go and make themselves comfy on the sofa in the living room.

Melanie mentally prepared herself for another Q&A session with her Dad but instead he knocked on the TV and pressed play on the DVD.  Melanie was surprised to see her favourite movie Independence Day begin on the screen.

“I just thought that seems as after tomorrow you’ll be married” he explains. “I don’t know when we will get to watch our movie together again”. Melanie smiled and snuggled down on the sofa to watch the movie. She remembered the first time she saw it. She was about ten or eleven and she bought it on video for her Dad for his birthday. She was spending the night at his apartment. It was just before he met Grace. He bought ice-cream and made popcorn and they curled up on the sofa and watched the movie twice.

That was why she loved the movie so much. It always reminded her of her Dad. She thought about the last time she watched it in her Dad house. It was the night her Dad had caught her with Mike. The memory of their argument made her feel sad. She thought about how hurt she was but how wrong she had been about her Dad.

She wondered that maybe if she hadn’t had that fight with Alex, she wouldn’t have gone to stay with Maggie and she would have never met Sam. How different would her life would have been if she hadn’t have met him. Maybe she would have still met Simon but maybe she would have loved him back.

But the truth was she was glad she had met Sam. The time she spent with him had been the best times of her life and she would treasure those memories and try to forget about the sad times they shared.

“Penny for your thoughts” Alex said as he watched his daughter closely.

“Was just thinking of Simon” she lied. She was getting so good at
lying
it scared her a little.

“You know you could call him” Alex said nervously.

“I think he was going for a drink with his Dad and brother tonight” she replied. “I don’t want to disturb him”.

“I meant Sam” he corrected her.

“Why would I do that” she replied trying to keep her voice as steady as she possible could.

“Because you still love him” he replied. “And tomorrow you are making the biggest mistake of your life”.

“I don’t want to talk about it” she snapped putting empty glass down on the table. She got up off the sofa and headed towards the door. “I am going to bed, goodnight”.

“Melanie” he said getting up and standing in her way. “Why do you always run?”

“I don’t always run” she snapped.

“You do” he replied. “Ever since you were a little kid you always ran and locked yourself away. You never faced your problems”.

“That is so unfair” Melanie shot back angrily.

“It’s the truth” Alex replied. “When things get too hard you hide away and refuse to talk about it. You did that back then with me, then you did it with Sam and now you are doing it again. You are using this excuse about having children to push him away. But you never gave him a chance. Don’t you think the love he feels for you might be greater than his desire to have a family. Love doesn’t have to come with conditions Melanie. I know your heart was broken by what happened but that doesn’t make you any self entitled to be loved. I know it’s hard that you can’t have babies and I get so angry at how unfair it is. But none of this is your fault. You have to stop punishing yourself and blaming yourself”.

“I don’t know any other way to deal with things” she cried. “When I was little I spent so long trying to be this perfect kid because I didn’t want you ever to regret having me. I never fought for anything I wanted because I was always afraid of being a disappointment to you and Mom. So I did the piano lesson’s I hated because I knew it made Mom happy. And I took Karate lesson’s even though I hated them because I knew it made you happy. I never wanted to be someone that other people felt they were stuck with.
And when you said that having a baby would ruin my life.
All I could think
of
was it didn’t matter what I did because you still regretted having me”.

“Melanie how could you even think that” Alex asked. “I have never regretted having you. Not for a single moment of my life. I am so proud of you and I love you”.

“I know you do Dad” Melanie replied. “But you’re my Dad. Sam isn’t and how do I know if I told him the truth he won’t end up regretting getting stuck with someone who can’t give him a child of his own”.

“How do you know he will” Alex asked.

“I guess I don’t” Melanie replied sadly. “But it doesn’t matter now anyway because he is gone and he doesn’t want me anymore. Simon heard he quit his job and he returned to the States. So I guess I will never know now”.

“Do you want to know?” Alex asked. Melanie just shrugged her shoulders.

“I am going to go to bed” she said and kissed Alex on the cheek. “Have a big day tomorrow”.

“Fine” Alex sighed and hugged his daughter tightly. “Goodnight Kiddo”.

“Goodnight Dad” Melanie replied and headed to her room.

As she lay there she thought about Sam. She wondered where he was and if he was thinking of her. When she closed her eyes she could see him so clearly in her head. She could almost smell his wonderful scent and feel his tender touch. She longed for him so much it was literally killing her. She turned over and buried her face in her pillow and softly cried herself to sleep yet again.

Melanie woke up the next morning to her find her mother sitting on the side of her bed.

“Wake up sleepy head” Sarah said as she brushed the hair back from Melanie’s face. “We are going to be late for the hair dressers. You have time for a quick shower before we have to leave”.

“Ok” Melanie said as she reluctantly pulled back her duvet and climbed out of the bed.

“Are you ok sweetie?” Sarah asked her voice filled with concern.

“Yeah I’m fine. Just a little tired” She lied. Wow she was becoming expert at it now. “I didn’t sleep very well. You know nerves and all”.

“That is very natural Mel” Sarah said and kissed her on the forehead. “But you have a good one in Simon and I couldn’t be happier for you”.

Melanie smiled and headed towards the bathroom and climbed into the shower. She stood under the water and prayed for the strength to get her through this day.

After her shower she returned to her room and quickly dressed in leggings and a soft cotton top with buttons down the front as instructed by her Mom. Insisting she needed to wear something that didn’t have to be taken off over her hair.

When she was dressed she found her mother, Grace and Katie in a flap in the kitchen.

“Hey Mel” Katie greeted Melanie when she walked into the kitchen.

“Hey” Melanie replied. Melanie wasn’t really sure how she felt about Katie if she was honest. She was angry with her for telling her secret to Sam but more than that she was angry she hid the fact she had even been talking to him. She knew Katie had acted with the best of intentions but it didn’t really offer her any comfort.