Forbidden Broadway: Behind the Mylar Curtain (60 page)

"Parody Tonight"

[Fanfare. NATHAN LANE enters, wearinga Roman
tunic and headband opera tux.i

NATHAN

Playkillers, I bid you welcome. I'm Nathan Lane. Thank
you. This cabaret is a temple, and we are here to make a
sacrifice to the gods of Broadway. Tonight, I am pleased
to announce a parody. We shall steal a little bit of every
show in our desire to abuse them.

[LIZA bounces out of the wings, yelping and screaming
for no apparent reason.]

LIZA

Oh! Oh! ON I'm so happy to be here ... oh! Nathan, I
love you. I love you. It's all so terrific!

[She suddenly stops and freezes into a typical, phony,
Liza-esque pose.]

NATHAN

I LIZA drops character and exits with her tail between
her legs.]

[ZOE CALDWELL enters grandly as Maria Callas in
Master Class.]

ZOE CALDWELL

Please, Ari, no! No! I don't want to sing. I don't want to
make love. I don't want Patti LuPone to replace me in
Master Class. I lowever, I won't have a word said against
her. But a Maria Callas from Long Island?! I ask you ...

NATHAN

[JOHN DAVIDSON enters.]

JOHN DAVIDSON

[ZOE interrupts him.]

ZOE

John, John, I'm sure you're a very nice person. But you
don't have a look ...

ZOE and NATHAN

Get one!

NATHAN