Flying with the Rich and Famous: True Stories from the Flight Attendant who flew with them (17 page)

And yet again, I received a call for a charter flight leaving out of Las Vegas. We were to deadhead to Las Vegas, pick up a passenger and drop him in San Francisco—an easy money flight. We repositioned in Vegas and waited for our passenger at the FBO. When our passenger boarded the plane, he exclaimed his
delight with the plane and us. Apparently he was under the impression we were taking him all the way to his home country of Malaysia. He was one of the world’s leading Baccarat players and had lost a few million at Caesars Palace. He had assumed Caesars would foot the bill for his ride home, not just to San Francisco, but all the way to Malaysia.

I was not planning on having dinner in Malaysia that night. I was planning on having dinner in Newport Beach. The pilots assumed they’d be home for dinner too. We went through some intense chaos, massive panicky phone calls and confusion for the next hour or so while we tried to explain to him that we didn’t have passports, another pilot, or catering. We finally talked our gambling guru into taking the commercial flight out of San Francisco. While airborne I only served him an orange juice. When we arrived in San Francisco, he gave me a $500 tip. Like I said—easy money.

I also had one gentleman who owned a share in an airplane with two other men. Sometimes, a group of people or
corporations will join together and share a jet. This will obviously offset the exorbitant costs and is a great arrangement if you don’t travel a huge amount. (There are now mega-companies that do this and they are very popular.) One of the co-owners used to tip the pilots and me one hundred dollars every day we flew. He loved to tease us with his hundred dollar bills, sometimes hiding them in the airplane. After he deplaned he would tell me that he forgot his sunglasses, when I went to find them, I would find three hundred dollar bills instead! Sometimes he would act like he forgot to tip us, deplane, climb into his waiting limo and shut the door to leave. Then he would jump out holding the bills. The feisty old guy was so much fun to fly for, always smiling and cheerful, planning his mischief.

I was friends with a few other flight attendants in the industry who had the same advantages as me. Sometimes we would end up in the same city at the same time. Although rarely, when it did happen, it was fun! It was wonderful to be with my friends for a change. This girlfriend was Arnold Schwarzenegger
and Maria Shriver’s flight attendant. She was on the island of Maui for the opening of the Planet Hollywood in Lahaina (since closed). I was there with Golden State Foods for a vacation. She asked me if I wanted to tag along to the grand opening. It was truly a red carpet event—a red carpet all the way up Front Street -the main street in Lahaina, Maui-leading into Planet Hollywood. She and I had a marvelous good time with the likes of Demi Moore, Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and of course Arnold and Maria.

I also heard stories from my pilots. Again, I wasn’t the only flight attendant in the corporate aviation industry. I remember one of them telling me about a flight attendant who was asked to pass a mirror (for cocaine) around from passenger to passenger. I also remember them telling me that there were times when the marijuana smoke was so thick in the cabin that they were worried they may actually be getting high. By the way, as a general rule; the pilots do not like flying rock stars but the flight attendants usually can’t wait!

One of the pilots told me a story, while we were on the way to Europe and had an ocean of time to kill. They had done a charter for an infrequent customer, without his wife, but with strippers. It was a bachelor party and the owner had taken his soon to be son-in-law on the ride of his life. Apparently, the boys got hammered and the strippers were the entertainment. Nice
welcome to the family
gift? The pilots are on “auto pilot” for most of every flight, so on this flight, they were thoroughly distracted! Then the future son-in-law did something that the father-in-law didn’t like and they began to shout at one another. Now, the others got involved and the shouting escalated into screaming cussing matches. Then fists began to fly around the cabin. And then grown men began to fly around the cabin. The pilots had to land to save the airplane. They were considerably worried about their safety, the passengers’ safety and the destruction of the interior of the aircraft. Again, the problems of flying the rich and famous!

I never had anything bizarre like that happen, but I did
reciprocate a time or two myself. I knew one CEO who liked to waterski and since my parents had a house on a lake and a boat on the water in front of it, I offered to take him and his son waterskiing. One of our pilots flew this CEO in a Cessna 172 to a small airport by my parents’ house. I picked him up and took him to my parents’ home where we skied and played in the boat all day. While feeding my guest his favorite lunch, I received a call from the pilot who explained that the little airplane was having a mechanical issue. The CEO told them to send another plane to pick him up because he had a golf tee time to make and he didn’t want to be late! Ah—the benefits of having your own flight department…

Allow me to share some of the not-so-good-times. Let’s talk about winter. Winter sucks. When you’re flying in snow and ice, there are always issues. First and foremost is being cold, or trying to get warm when you’re freezing your ass off and maintain a jovial mood. Then there are diversions (diversions create a snowball effect of countless other issues) and de-icing
delays and hangar concerns and water problems and so, so many other complications.

I’ll start with the all the extra luggage everyone brings. I mean wow! Some passengers may be going skiing for the weekend and bring three steamer trunks of crap with them, because God forbid, they wouldn’t have the matching accessories to the fifth-choice outfit. If they are on a ski holiday, chances are the airport is located in a high altitude, meaning we have weight issues. Well, we have weight issues if you plan on returning—the heavier the airplane, the harder it is to take off in high altitude. So pardon me if your third trunk gets left behind. In Aspen, Colorado, we will only fuel the aircraft enough to take off and get to another airport to fuel for the length of the trip – weight is a
huge
issue in high altitude.

I once had a flight to Aspen with nine male passengers and nine snowboards. With all the extra luggage, we ended up having to put three snowboards in the lavatory! That was a hoot, getting into the lavatory by pushing the door open hard enough
so the snowboards would swing to the other side by the baggage door. Not FAA approved I’m sure.

We had to live with the snowboard situation because we had no alternative. But people still don’t get the fact that you can’t put stuff anywhere or everywhere. Even if you are paying the tab and even if it is a private jet, it is still an airplane, and, frankly, I don’t want your twenty-five pound briefcase flying through the cabin and hitting the pilot in the head because he’s my ride home, thank you very much.

If we overnight in a city where the temperature drops below freezing, and there’s not a
heated
hangar that someone paid big bucks for—then you’re screwed. The jet has to sit outside overnight - so the flight attendant must remove every item from that airplane that might freeze. This can be an amazing amount of stock depending on who, what, or where you’re flying. If you leave one soda can onboard and it freezes, it will explode and make a huge and costly mess. It’s extremely difficult to get frozen soda out of a suede side runner. Ever
diligent, you must purge all the water in the aircraft on descent. One time I opened the toilet to discover a giant chunk of blue ice, we were lucky to melt it but it could have been disastrous.

Removing freezable items is in addition to the normal trash removal, perishable removal, dirty dish removal, cleaning, and vacuuming. The icing on the cake here is the ice on the tarmac. Now I’m walking in the freezing rain/snow/sleet in high heels mind you, to the FBO, which may be a football field away from the airplane.

Now let’s talk reverse. The airplane is always severely colder or warmer than the outside temperature. I have to put all that stock back on the aircraft along with the catering, perishables, and dishes. It was so cold in Detroit once, I slipped on the ice walking out to the airplane and fell on my butt. I thought my fingers were frozen because I couldn’t open the drawers in the galley. I cried. I mean it was so cold that my fingers wouldn’t work.

There are also hazards of being in unfamiliar spaces.
Awakening or leaving your hotel room and not remembering where you are, what are you supposed to be doing today, what day is it anyway? Where are the elevators? Or not knowing where your room is located—no idea. Putting your key in the lock only to discover it’s the key from two hotels ago. I’ve also randomly put my key in any door hoping one will open—after all I was in the general vicinity. I’ve called down to the front desk plenty of times to ask what room I was in – I’ve also called my pilots to ask them. I’ve unlocked my room only to disturb the sleeping occupant - this just sucks. Or not being able to find your hotel at all! I was so lost in Mykonos and in Barcelona I had to hire a taxi to find the hotel. Or trying to find the rental car after getting to the hotel late and exhausted the night before. What kind of car did we get? No idea. Hit the unlock button on the key fob until you hear or see a car bleeping…

We also have random problems. Aircraft computer malfunction: control, alt, delete airplane (turn airplane off completely and restart) when you’re sitting at the runway ready
to takeoff—with fourteen planes behind you - that’s always fun…

If one takes the time to stop and smell the jet fuel, it’s amazing what you’ll notice. I will never forget landing in Hong Kong and having every sense lit up all at once, or studying the horizon while the sun is setting waiting for the green flash. Or admiring the view of Panama as we climb after takeoff, wondering what it must have been like to dredge the canal and how the completion of it changed the world. Or landing at dusk in a sea of lightening bugs in Wisconsin. Or taking off from Sydney, Australia, at sunset, one of the most picturesque cities in the world, while recalling it started out as a derelict dump. Or watching a volcano—in all its fierceness—erupt at night. Or looking out the window in the middle of the Atlantic in the dead of night and appreciating the dark. Or waiting for the airplane to break out of the clouds, which are like giant cotton balls, and then being mesmerized by them. Or watching a thunder and lightning storm from the airplane and being so captivated, truly
lost in thoughts. When you take yourself out of yourself you can see the splendor of where you are.

Ciao, au revoir, sayonara, adios, auf wiedersehen, ta-ta
,

arrivederci, ma’a salama, zai-jian, antio, totsiens, aloha, and mahola!