Fix Up (2 page)

"Kate is my roommate and best friend, and Derek is Duke's best friend and a friend of mine."

"That's all you're going to disclose?"

"I never realized how probing you have to be to be a psychologist." I wave to stop him from answering. I'm not sure bantering with Dr. Marshall would help me talk about my recent past. "I met Kate in our room. She was friendly and wanted to bond, but I pushed her away every time. It took me meeting Duke to really open up and give our friendship a go." When I think about how many times I pushed her away, how many times I was so closed off―almost a bitch to Kate—it goes to show what an amazing and faithful friend she is. "And Derek is the president of the frat where Sean pledged. I never properly met him before I called and told him who Sean really is. He was really supportive, and somehow he stuck around. He and Kate have a thing, but it's complicated between them."

"It must have been really difficult telling Derek."

"It was. But then I promised my parents I would, and after telling them, it was a piece of cake in comparison."

He writes something and nods like he's having a talk with himself in his head. It would be quite entertaining to witness this if it wasn't about me. "So everything moved on once Duke was in your life. Tell me more about him."

Duke. A small smile appears on my face. It's chaotic between us―and complicated. And it still is complicated between us. Things are weird since Sean abducted me. "I met him in my psychology class. He's one of the teacher assistants, and he saw right away something was wrong with me."

"Did he force you to talk?"

"Not really. He forced himself in my life, though." I let a little laugh escape, and Dr. Marshall smiles a bright smile with his perfect teeth in full view. "He taught me to trust him, and we shared things we never had before. He lost his girlfriend―who was his best friend growing up too—so he understands what it's like to suffer. We bonded, but it was difficult for the both of us. At times it was more difficult for him, but I didn't let him push me away. It was the first time I fought
for
someone."

"I bet it was a rollercoaster."

"Yes, but he made me discover many things." I shrug and look at one of the windows. "But I wonder what is going to happen now."

"What do you mean?"

I look back at him and feel myself blush. It's so odd to talk about my relationship with Duke with another man. It's just plain weird to talk about it, if I'm honest. I still have a hard time thinking Duke is my boyfriend. "It's different between us since what Sean did the last time. Duke saw me once already after Sean beat me, and he was
there
for me
;
he wasn’t closed off.
’’

"And now he's not present for you?"

"It's ridiculous. It's my low self-esteem talking again."

Dr. Marshall purses his thin lips like he's weighing up what to tell me and what not to tell me, but I already know what is on his mind. I know it because I did some research during my two weeks of doing nothing except resting in my tiny room while everyone was in class.

"Some advice, Skye, don't shut everyone out again. Talk with Duke, and everything will work out."

But how do I ask Duke if he feels like he can't touch me or really kiss me anymore because of the rape attempt? How can I tell him that I need physical contact with him to feel like myself again, to feel like I own my sexuality, like I'm not disgusting, tainted? How can I break down this wall separating Duke and me when I know he imagines what Sean did to me everytime he looks at me? How do I do this?

* *  *

SKYE

"How was it?"

Kate pounces on me as soon as I open the door and walk into our tiny room. Her little hands are on my shoulders, like she's ready to shake me if I don't answer in the next minute. Now, I don't feel threatened or vulnerable when she touches me like this. And I love to see her so exuberant again and not tiptoeing around me.

"Draining. I never realized how tired I would be afterward," I answer in a sigh, walking to my twin bed to take off my shoes. I yawn for what feels like the thousandth time since I left Dr. Marshall's office. "And it was weird."

"Why? Is Dr. Marshall some stuffy old man?" Kate asks, taking an unopened M&M pack before she splits the sweets in two. She got me addicted to these little things.

I chew on one green M&M and think about how to answer. For some reason I don't really want to talk about my meeting with Dr. Marshall, and I don't want to tell Kate how young he really is. I just want to keep it to myself, and I’m not really sure why.

"Nothing like that. It's just difficult to be honest and open when you don't even know the first name of the person in front of you. And it was annoying to answer his questions sometimes."

"But you'll go back, right?" She brushes away some of her blonde locks, her bright blue eyes on me displaying a fear I know my friends and my parents all have. They think I'll give up and just deal with everything on my own, but I won't. Now that my mind is settled, I won't go back to what it was. And truth be told, I know I can't just forget and move on. I need help, and I'll make sure to get it.

"Of course I will."

A knock at the door stops her from saying something more. She stands up before I even manage to think about standing. She knows I'm still in pain when I move, so she tends to do everything these days, just to help me. Always energetic, Kate has beat her own record since Sean abducted me. I guess we all need to find some kind of peace again.

"Right on time, lover boy; she's back." She smiles at me, grabs her expensive brown leather bag and leaves only after she pats Duke's strong arm, the one with the sleeve of tattoos.

I straighten and finish the last couple of M&Ms as he walks in and sits next to me on my bed. Now, like always, he's careful to not lean against me or look at me for too long. He kisses me on the cheek, his goatee brushing my skin like I love, but that's all. His well defined lips don't linger on my skin, and his smile is not as bright and dazzling as I'm used to seeing. It's definitely strained between us. Again because of Sean.

"How do you feel?" he asks with his deep voice, always so serious these days.

I shrug and barely feel his broad shoulder against mine. "Not bad. I'll see how it'll be next time when we talk more about Sean."

He nods and takes one of my hands in his. My fingers look tiny and thin next to his long strong ones. And my skin looks very pale next to his naturally tanned complexion, thanks to his part Native American origins.

"That's great. I'm glad you decided to do this." He squeezes my hand once and entwines our fingers.

I'm craving to feel his arms around me, to feel his breath in my neck and to just feel his intense dark eyes on me. I don't want this distracted Duke. Maybe I should listen to Dr. Marshall and just talk things out. With our past I know how important it is to open up to each other if I want this relationship to work since I'm not ready to bury it. I love him. I love him so much sometimes it hurts.

"I want to talk to you about something, Duke, and I don't want to make you angry."

We look at each other, and I don't really like the wary expression on his face. He grits his teeth, making the muscle in his strong jaw jump twice. He bites on his lower lip, but I don't find it as sexy as I used to. It's more like he's refraining from saying something.

"I'm listening."

I sigh and shake my head. This laconic answer is different. He was so talkative, so open before, but now he barely talks to me. And when he talks, it's just to know how I feel, if I'm in too much pain. It’s never to talk about classes or about his approaching graduation and his plans for the future. I don't understand.

"What's going on between us?"

He releases my hand and frowns. "What do you mean?"

I arch one eyebrow, feeling some anger heating up my insides. "Are you kidding me, Duke? Do you realize you haven't kissed me since the first day at the hospital? You told me you loved me, and yet now you barely hold my hand and only kiss my cheek. Do you think that’s normal for a couple?"

I'm breathing loudly in the quiet room while Duke is just looking at my face, his dark cloudy eyes stopping at each and every one of my fading bruises. "What do you want, Skye?"

I stand up suddenly, ignoring the pain in my ribs or the stiffness in my back and legs. Won't he even fight to stay with me? It's like he's not even concerned. Maybe he wants someone easier with less issues, and I can understand, but I deserve an explanation or the truth. Thinking we were above this, I'm learning I'm quite often wrong. I point at him with my index finger. "I thought we both wanted the same thing, but I doubt it now. Tell me why you don't even want to touch me."

He stands up too, towering high over me. He walks to me and stops just a breath away from my body, his eyes locked on mine. He seems angry now. Everything in him seems to vibrate. "Don't you think I know it's always been difficult for you to be touched and now it must be harder? Don't you think I want to give you some time to adjust? Don't you think I don't want to pressure you? Can't you see it's difficult for me to look at you and see the proof of what that son of a bitch did to you?"

His deep and dark voice sends shivers down my spine. Goosebumps break out on my fair skin. Even when he's angry and almost dangerous looking, he's affecting me like nobody ever did before.

I close my eyes and break the hold his dark eyes have on me. "Will you be able to touch me again without thinking about Sean? I don't want you to be disgusted by me."

His fingers capture my chin, and it startles me. I open my eyes and look up to find his face closer than I thought. His soft breath fans my face. With his other hand he brushes away some wild locks of my hair. Sucking in my breath, I am unsure of what to think or expect now.

"I'm not disgusted, Skye. I would never be disgusted by you." He sighs and forces a smile, but it doesn't look very genuine. "I just don't know how to behave with you. I don't know what you need or want, and it's difficult. I don't want to ruin everything again."

"I only need to know you still want me," I whisper with a blush heating my cheeks.

His tight smile changes into a real one, his eyes dancing with amusement. His eyes are so expressive it's unsettling. "Of course I want you, but I think you need some time."

I cock my head on one side, his hands still brushing softly my skin. "Or maybe you are the one who needs some time."

He nods and looks down. “Maybe, that too."

"How long, Duke? How long do you need away from me?"

His head snaps back up and narrows his eyes on me. He tugs on some of his hair with one hand, leaving my skin tingling where it was seconds earlier. "I don't need time away from you, Skye. We're still together, but I need some time to be sure we're not rushing things."

"And if I want you now?" I ask defiantly, afraid to lose him. I know it's ridiculous of me to think I'm going to lose him just because we're not back to how it was two weeks ago, but I feel like he's escaping me. Fast.

"I can't. Respect that, please." He kisses my forehead, his lips lingering just a second longer. It's not much, but I know it's a peace offering.

Now, I need to keep my watering eyes hidden. I don't want him to see how it's hurting me, how I feel rejected when I know it's just because it's hard for him too. Not only is he seeing me still bruised, which makes him remember what happened, but he also thought he lost me like he lost the only other girl he ever loved. I understand if he needs to protect himself, but I also know that I won't be able to run after him every time he pushes me away. Not this time. He needs to work on getting better, just as I am. But I also know he doesn't want to talk about it now.

I never thought I'd think this, but … I can't wait to talk about it with Dr. Marshall. Maybe he'll help me to find a way to understand Duke more. Maybe he will help me to not feel as rejected as I feel right now because right at this moment, I feel like crap. 

Chapter Two

DUKE

I glance at my cell phone and curse again. It’s barely five in the morning. I throw my phone somewhere on my twin bed and rub my eyes. For the last couple of weeks whenever I closed my eyes, I saw Skye and how battered she looked when she walked out of that warehouse. Whenever I let my mind wander, I imagine what that bastard did to her. And it leads to the same fucking thought.

I wasn’t there to protect her
.

Since Sean abducted her, I’ve been feeling restless, always on my guard, always frightened beyond words that I could lose her too. And I can’t. I can’t go through this again, and something tells me that if I lose Skye, this time I wouldn’t be able to be here anymore. To live. To breathe. There’s only so much a man can survive, and as fucking weak as it sounds, I reached my limits when Skye disappeared.

So yeah, being with her is hard. I know she’s waiting for more from me, is hoping for more, but there’s an invisible wall blocking me. And thinking about touching her and imagining something triggering in her, something that would freak her out while we’re having sex … no, I can’t even go there.

I sit on my bed and ignore the protests of the mattress and the old bed frame. I tug on my hair and grab a cigarette and lighter from the bedside table. When I light it, I inhale deeply. The smoke burns slightly down my throat and to my lungs. Focusing on this and emptying my head, I empty the images of Skye’s beautiful face all bruised up.

In the end, I can’t even give her what she’s rightfully asking for—a kiss. Just a fucking kiss on her lips. Even that I’m unable to do. It’d be pathetic if our situation and our past weren’t so tragic.

I take another drag of my cigarette and watch the smoke swirling in the room only lit by the moonlight. Soon, the sun will be up and my day will officially start. Engineering class, math class and then psychology, where I assist Dr. Dills and where I met Skye only a few months ago.

Stand. Shower. Dress. Eat. Go to class. Do all over again.

But everything feels difficult, painful. I can’t be strong right now, and yet I have to.

I tug on my hair again. “Fuck.’’

***

SKYE

Walking in to my psychology class after two weeks is not easy. And it's even less so when I can see people looking at me with pity while talking amongst themselves. I will never be invisible again. News travel fast, and they know what happened with Sean and me. I guess, I can thank the idiots from Sean's frat that are in this class with me.

I feel myself blush, but it's weird because my blood is icy cold in my veins. I freeze near the door, and for the first time since I left the hospital, I'm ashamed. Not because I think I did something wrong, but because now they must all know a piece of my life I would have preferred to keep private. But I'm starting to realize how naïve I was to ever think I had any kind of control over this aspect of my life.

"Skye?"

I look up and smile at Duke. He must have walked in while I was daydreaming. He leans down and kisses my forehead. Still not my lips. I bite the inside of my cheek before I say something I'll regret. I have to respect his need of time even if it is difficult for me.

"They know about me," I say with a wave to the vast classroom full of students.

"Don't think about them. They're just savoring the last of the rumors, but it'll pass soon." He squeezes my shoulder and walks toward the other Teacher Assistants, TAs, waving at him with stacks of papers to give us.

Taking a deep breath, I walk to the first available seat and rummage in my backpack for my MacBook Air protected in a case. Occupying myself is the best way to ignore them all whispering to each other while their eyes are still on me, looking at my bruises They are now almost vanished, but still visible enough under the make-up Kate put on me to mask them as best as possible. You have to look closely to see them, but they still can be seen. I feel all the more self-conscious because of it. Why is it taking so long to heal?

Once I'm all settled and Dr. Dills is still not here, I look for Duke. He's on the right side of the room, several rows above mine, and he is talking with an attractive brunette I’ve seen flirting with him before, back when we were going through a rough patch. She's playing with her shiny brown hair, her red nails adding to her alluring look. Her mischievous smile is not lost on me, and what is worse than seeing her flirting with my boyfriend, is seeing my boyfriend sharing a playful smile with her before resuming his task of giving the papers to the students. It's like a slap to my face.

I focus on my laptop screen and don't look up for the rest of the class. I'm not even sure what notes I’ve taken, and I don't really care. I know I should, but I can’t stop thinking about Duke’s behavior. I can’t focus on anything else.

I thought that when he confessed his love for me things would work out, that we would be stronger as a couple. Another mistake on my part. He did nothing wrong actually, but before he never flirted back when we were trying to work things out between us. The only times I saw him flirting was when we weren't together and were not speaking to each other. Today we are on speaking terms, and more, we are in a committed relationship. Aren’t we?

As soon as the class is over I pack my stuff and leave without looking back, and I'm not even sure if he saw me or even cared. His attention is back on the brunette, who has walked to him immediately with a sway of her curvy hips.

Loving someone is definitely painful. My insides feel like they are bleeding, and I just want to find a secluded place to let the tears fall. I close my hands in tight fists. My nails digging into my palms, I walk faster toward my room, away from everyone.

***

DUKE

I smile absentmindedly at the brunette. I don’t even remember her name. Is it Jena? Jana? But really, I don’t give a shit about her name or about the fact that she’s babbling again and again. Her light voice and playful smile are lost on me as I watch Skye walk out the room, not once trying to catch my attention—and I know why.

I’m a dick.

I’m running again, pushing her away when she needs me the most. Staring back at the girl in front of me, there is not a single thing I want. She’s easy on the eye and her confidence is quite attractive, but she’s not the one I want. I’m not even trying to chat her up, I have no interest in cheating on Skye, but somehow I find myself doing everything in the dickhead handbook to drive away and hurt my girlfriend.

“So? Are you going to help me, Duke?”

I blink at the girl in front of me, Jena or Jana or something. “Uh, yeah, sure.”

She smiles at me again, and it reaches her blue eyes. She grabs my wrist and leads me toward the library, chattering about this or that party where she saw me last semester and how she’s thankful that I’m helping her with the new psychology material. All I can think about is how I’m making a huge mistake. And yet, I let her lead me; I let her bat her eyelashes at me while my girlfriend is somewhere out there on campus on her way to her second session with a shrink I know nothing about aside from his name, Marshall. And she’s alone.

“Duke? Is everything okay?”

I shake my head and force a smile to my frozen face. “Sorry, I have a lot on my mind.”

She nods and puts a hand on my forearm, her lithe fingers tracing a few lines of my tattoos. I’m too numb to feel anything, too numb to feel any tingles.

“I bet it’s weird now that you’re going to graduate. That and what happened to that girl in Dr. Dills’ class.”

I nod and check my cell phone before I redirect our talk to the material she needs to understand if she wants to write a good enough paper for the class. She listens to me closely, nodding and asking questions even. But I do everything on auto-pilot, still trying to ignore my conscience yelling at me, telling me how it’s not right, how I shouldn’t be here right now.

An hour later she gathers her papers and laptop and stands up with me. “Thanks a lot for your help.”

I shrug and adjust my backpack on my shoulder. “It’s nothing.”

She comes closer to me, her shoulders back, her head tilted upward, eyes on my lips and my stomach ties itself into a hundred knots. “You didn’t have to help me, and still you gave me an hour of your time.”

She leans into me, but I stay frozen. I don’t lean down, don’t step back. I just watch her mouth getting closer to mine, her eyes closing as her hands wander over my chest to fist my tee-shirt. When her breasts push against my chest, I tense, but I’m still not moving.

Before I know it, her lips touch mine, and it shocks me. I gasp and push her away with enough force to send her flying back, hitting her hip against the table. Several heads turn toward us, and all I want to do is yell at them and beat myself to a pulp.

I hold a hand up before Jena or Jana or whatever talks. “I have a girlfriend, and I love her. Next time, ask another TA or a tutor to help you.”

I turn around and run out, fighting back the urge to throw up. I’ve never betrayed anybody in all my life. Never. And now, I’m madly in love with an amazing woman, and I do this? I let this happen! I went out of my way to let this happen.

I stop my run and walk slowly to a tree and lean heavily against it. My heart is pounding in my chest. Each heartbeat tattoos, no carves that new screw up and the pain associated with it, a pain I feel and a pain I know Skye will feel once she hears about it.

Why do I always do this? Why do I always try to ruin everything? Drinking alcohol was always a sure thing, I’ll just go back to that and be all set in my old ways. I clench my fists and close my eyelids tightly, trying with all my might not to lose it and punch a tree because I’m craving a release—and physical pain is a fucking great outlet.

I feel too much, too many things, and I’m not made for this. Not anymore.

***

SKYE

"Do you have something you want to talk about first, Skye?" Dr. Marshall asks me as soon as we're comfortable in our respective chair.

I nod, frowning deeply. I cried earlier when I was back in my room, and now that I'm here, all I want to do is bitch about Duke and curse him for the new pain he's adding to my already full plate. "Duke. Something's wrong, and I need to talk about it before I jump to conclusions and make some harsh decisions like I used to do when I first met him."

Dr. Marshall, pen in hand and pad open on a blank page, takes a sip of coffee from a styrofoam cup on his desk. The smell makes my mouth water. "I'm listening."

I take a deep breath but won’t close my eyes for fear of imagining Duke passionately kissing the brunette. I don't really think he'd do this to me, but I do think he's looking for something I'm lacking because what’s going on is not normal. "I talked to him the other day, like you encouraged me to, and he told me he needed time to be sure I'm ready to have any kind of real physical contact with him. He also told me he needed time to digest what Sean did."

"It must be hard for you." Dr. Marshall finishes his coffee and throws the cup in a trashcan under his desk. "Did you take this as a kind of rejection?"

"It is a rejection when you tell your boyfriend you want him to touch you in no uncertain terms, and he tells you no," I retort with frustration before I feel embarrassed talking about my sex life with a man not much older than Duke.

He blushes a faint pink and clears his throat before he moves a little on his chair. He's embarrassed too, obviously. It's really not like talking to a doctor with him. I play a little with my wild, frizzy hair. "And don't you think he's right? I'm sure he thinks you want him to touch you to prove something to yourself."

A tear falls, but I don't dry my cheek. I just keep my eyes locked on the clear blue ones facing me. "So tell me why he was flirting today with a girl when he knew I could see him? Tell me why he didn't look when I left the class, but talked to her and laughed with her? Tell me why he didn't call me or text me?"

Dr. Marshall's Adam's apple jumps twice. He looks down at his pad and runs a hand on his soft jaw. "Do you think he's cheating on you?"

"No, but I think he's looking for something. He's not ready for us to be together like I thought he was." The hurt in my voice is awful for me to hear. It reminds me so much of how I sounded back then. Why can't I heal with Duke? I don't want to do all of this without him.

"Are you going to question him about this girl?"

"Should I?"

Dr. Marshall smiles softly. "I'm just your psychologist. I don't know Duke besides what you tell me about him, so I can't tell you what you should or shouldn't do. But I can tell you to do the thing that will help you to move forward in your life. If you think you should talk again with Duke, do it. If you think you need some time to assess the situation, take some time."

"Do you think it's possible for a couple to stay together when the girl has been sexually assaulted?"

He ponders my question a few seconds, his clear blue eyes never leaving my face. "I think it's difficult, but I also know it is possible. I'm sure Duke knows how lucky he is to have you, and I can't imagine a man doing something to lose you."