Fix Up (8 page)

“You’re a fucker.’’Derek sighs and sips his coffee, his eyes going back and forth to me and his laptop. “You know she needs you. Think for a minute instead of playing the wounded ego card.’’

“What’s your issue, huh?’’ I lean over the table and push down the top lid of his old laptop. “If you have something to say, it’s now or never,’’ I growl out, ready to swing at my best friend, something I’ve never felt like doing.

He crosses his arms and glares at me some more. “I see what you’re doing, Duke. Don’t mess up this relationship because you’re afraid. Skye needs somebody strong to go through this with her.’’

I massage my neck and stand up, my eyes locked on his. “I don’t need my best friend to give me shit, Derek. My life is complicated enough as it is.’’

“Then do right by her. Be a man, Duke. We have all been dealt a shitty hand.’’

I scowl and turn my back on him, swaggering out of the busy coffee house and away from my best friend who knows me all too well. My feet are eating the concrete, and I have not a clue where I’m going. In fact, I have nowhere to go. I was supposed to be with Skye, holding her hand while she goes through another difficult time facing her lawyer.

Somebody needs to give me an award for the best boyfriend. Yeah, I’m a fucking catch.

I drive away my girl, I don’t support her when she needs me the most and I’ve never succeeded in protecting her.

Fucking is easy, dating is not. I will never regret dating Skye because she’s my damn haven, but still. Dating is fucking hard, and all this mess doesn’t help. If only she’d met me in high school …things would have been easier because I was laid back. I didn’t have all these issues back then. I didn’t feel like running whenever things got tough, and I didn’t think about bailing. Right now, I have to face it.

Sometimes, I want to bail and I loath myself for it.

*  *  *

SKYE

I don't know how I managed to be in Dr. Marshall's waiting room, but I am. I drove here like a robot, took the elevator like a robot and now I'm waiting to see his door open for me. I never thought I'd need to see him that much. And It's quite disturbing after the talk I had with Kate the other day, but right now it's not important. It's not important when I feel like I'm about to explode.

For the very first time since I met Duke, I can't turn to him for comfort, reassurance or just for his presence. I know if I go and see him like this, he'd open his arms for me, but I don't want our relationship to revolve around my issues. It'd be too easy to go to him when I'm this bad because I know he'd forget our argument in a heartbeat just to be with me when I need him. It's amazing of him, but it shows how our relationship has been biased from the very beginning.

The door opens on Dr. Marshall wearing a black dress shirt and equally black slacks, making his blue eyes pop even more than usual and his fair hair looking more vibrant. His welcoming smile becomes more forced when he takes me in as I walk up to him with my whole body still shaking beyond my control.

He moves out of my way and follows me inside his office without a word. I know he's not going to open his mouth until I do, but I don't really know how to put into words what I feel. This wake up call in Mrs. Garowsky's office is messing with my head because I never realized I was still trapped in this weird vicious circle Sean created for us. I really thought I just had to heal from what he did to me, not heal from my own behavior. Having to re-learn everything makes me doubt about everything in turn.

I shake my head and try to grab my sleeves, but I don't have any. I miss my too large shirts all of a sudden which it makes me angry. How many times will I regress? How many times will I act like I'm the same poor little Skye?

"I had my appointment with my lawyer."

Dr. Marshall nods. I was expecting a kind word or something, but he keeps quiet, like he's waiting for me to tell him something meaningful. My brain is in shut down. There's nothing in there. Everything is in the tightness I feel in my chest, the loud beating of my heart I hear in my ears, the hole in my stomach and the shaking of my body. Nothing is carefully thought out, but everything is bottled up in my body, ready to explode.

"Aren't you going to ask me some questions?" I finally blurt after almost five minutes of silence during which we looked at each other without blinking.

"Since you look so agitated, I assume it didn't go well. Do you want to talk about it?" he asks in turn with his usual soft voice, never a word above the other. I can't even tell if he's annoyed by my agitation or not. Like always, I can't read this man.

"It's not that it didn't go well." I look out of the window at the sun lighting all of Seattle, and I'm craving the sweet heat of its rays on my skin and over my clothes. I have always liked to feel the sun on my skin, making everything lighter even for just a few minutes. "I guess it made me realize that I blocked out the fact that Sean would and could have killed me. I didn't even realize that I, once again, minimized some parts of what happened with him." I sigh and look back at Dr. Marshall who is looking at me intently.

"That's a big step if you acknowledge this part. It's really good, Skye."

"So why is it so painful?" I level down my eyes, feeling stupid with my teary eyes and my small breathy voice just above a whisper.

"Because you're not beating around the bush anymore. You're going straight toward what is the most painful."

I mull over his words and think again about what Duke told me last night. "Do you think I still have some feelings for Sean?"

Dr. Marshall frowns and points at me. "You're the only one who can answer this question. Why are you asking me this?"

"Duke and I had a fight last night at his parents' home ... in front of them."

"Over Sean?"

I nod and fish for my cell phone in my pocket. It's not ringing, but I need something in my hands. Or maybe it's just because I still hope to have some news from Duke without seeking it out myself.

"Duke thinks I still feel something for Sean if I'm always so prone to minimize his actions toward me. I disagreed, and it went from bad to awful. We didn't exchange a word on the way to campus, and he didn't call me because I ... I messed up. I told him I didn't want him with me for my appointment with Mrs. Garowsky."

"You were alone," he says under his breath like he's talking to himself and what he's thinking doesn't seem to please him all that much. I have never seen him frown like this.

"I pushed him away again. Every time he says something I don't like, that's what I do."

He shakes his head and takes some notes. "Let's go back to your question. Do you feel something for Sean? And don't forget, Skye, here you're free to talk. It's not going anywhere outside these walls."

Closing my eyes, I think about when I started going out with Sean. I knew him for a couple of years before that, but we barely talked to each other. I always thought he was cute. When I started going out with him, I thought I was really lucky. I laughed often, and I deeply cared about him.

The thing when you're a teenager is that you fall in love fast. You fall too soon, and sometimes way too hard. As a teenager, most of the time you don't have all this baggage and issues that come with relationships after going through some painful break ups and after your heart has been broken. I think that's why I fell in love with him so fast. I believed in him, in us and in our future. I just trusted him with my whole unjaded heart. Even if I know Sean is a monster, a little part of me still remembers the very beginning of us. That moment when we talked and laughed over the phone and tried to sneak a kiss or two between classes, only for three months, but those three blissful months are ingrained in me as the easiest ones of my life.

"Sean is the first guy I called my boyfriend. He was my first everything. I can't just make that disappear."

"But do you think it's the memory of what you felt for him or do you think these feelings are still very real and present?"

And the hard truth hits me for the second time today. "I don't know." And I cry silently, fat tears falling down my face in front of Dr. Marshall who gives me a pack of tissue. He looks concerned, but he lets me deal with everything before saying anything else. He understands how it's killing me to be lost with how I truly feel for Sean. He's not going to judge me or be wounded by my admission, like I know Duke would if he knew this. But really, I'm pretty sure a huge part of him knows this already. I always forget how knowledgable Duke is when it comes to psychology and how he so easily reads me even when I can't understand it myself.

"With time you'll know, Skye."

"I just hope it's before I lose Duke."

"Then it would mean he's not the right man for you. Time will tell."

I gaze at him through my tears, and this time I see something in his clear blue eyes, something that disappears really fast, way too fast for me to decipher. Nevertheless, I know it's something that shouldn't have been there in my psychologist's eyes while looking at me, his patient.

"Duke is the man for me."

"Or maybe he was the one you needed to begin a new stage of your life."

Chapter Five

SKYE

Duke:
Are you back in your room?

I read the text twice, taken aback to see that Duke is texting me. I throw my bag on my bed and sit down, ready to get rid of the flats I have on. These things are really painful compared to my converse.

Me:
Yeah. I just got here a minute ago. Why?

I don't really know if I should apologize by text or if I could. This day has been exhausting, and I'm not sure I can apologize when everything inside of me is in such turmoil. Dr. Marshall's words are echoing in my head endlessly. I can't imagine Duke is the man I needed to put my life back on track and nothing more. I also can't imagine my relationship with him being just something convenient at this point in my life. But what if it is? What if we're not meant to be in a lasting relationship? What if we're just deluding each other because we're lost and afraid?

Duke:
I need to see you. I want to feel you in my arms.

This brings a smile to my face causing my doubts to subsite. No. Duke and I are more than just a convenience. We love each other despite our issues and fears. I love him more than anything, more than I ever loved anyone. More than I ever loved Sean, and that's the most important thing right now. That's one of the only things I know for sure. No matter what I feel for Sean or about Sean, I know that it's nothing compared to my feelings for Duke.

Me:
Come now.

I lie on my bed and sigh. Sometimes I wish I could forget, but I know I can't hope for that all my life. It's difficult to face the hard truths I want to hide from myself. It's even harder to face the darker parts of myself, and yet I am compelled to do so in the hope of finding something I have never dared to hope for before. A hope of happiness, because this is something I now know I can have. For once, I know I can.

Duke:
I'm at your door.

I stand up and walk to the door. Taking a deep breath, I open it. Duke is there in front of me. Before I can react, he hugs me like we haven't seen each other in a month.

"I'm sorry, Skye. I'm so sorry for being such a jerk, for letting you do everything alone today. I'm so sorry," he murmurs in my ear, his face in the crook of my neck. I can feel his goatee on my skin, and his lips trailing little open-mouthed kisses.

Bringing my arms around his broad shoulders, I hold on with everything I have. It's impossible to feel like this if Duke and I aren't right for each other. Our relationship will always have bumps, but as long as he makes me feel like this, as long as I feel like he's the most important man in the world for me, we'll be right for each other. We have to be.

"I'm sorry too."

"I love you, Skye. I'm just so damn angry all the time." He pulls away just enough to face me, but keeps me in his arms. "I feel like I can't do the right thing for you, like I'm just a spectator of it all, and it's driving me mad."

Still in his arms, I manage to pull him inside the room to close the door. We don't need witnesses to our making up. As soon as the door closes, he turns me around and backs me up against it. Every time he does something that could awaken my latent fear, like this, it doesn't. It only wakes up the burning desire I always feel when I'm close to this man; the shadows of my fears back away.

"You can't always protect me, Duke. There're things I need to do by myself, and you have to be patient about it." I run my hand in his thick hair and smile, locking my eyes on his intense ones. "You don't have to always try and save me. Loving me is not a synonym for saving me."

He leans into me, the heat of his body burning me up. I press against him, and he closes his eyes briefly. "I don't know how
not
to do it."

"You'll learn, just like I'm learning to let things go."

"And how is it going?" he asks me, trailing kisses along my jaw, his hands traveling from my hips to the underside of my breasts. It's a blissful torture.

"When you do things like this, it's perfect," I breathe out. I run my hands down his back, feeling the muscles rolling before I stop my exploration of his body at the hem of his tee-shirt, which I’m eager to get rid of.

He puts his left hand on my breast and plays with my hardening nipple. I moan, burying my face in his hard chest. "Things like this?" he asks me playfully, a smile in his deep voice.

I tug up his tee-shirt, running my hands very slowly on his hot skin. I feel him shiver against me, making me feel empowered. I love this rush he causes inside of me. "Strip off your tee-shirt."

I thought he'd resist, that he'd tell me it's treading dangerously, but he doesn't. Instead, he complies and strips off his tee-shirt. Consequnetly, my eyes land first on the tattoo for Juliet. It still hurts, just like the necklace around his neck, but I don't say a word. I don't even dwell long on it because Duke's hands are now tugging on the hem of my shirt. I don't think twice before I help him to strip it off.

It feels like he's eating me up with his dark eyes, and I shiver with anticipation. Now my simple black bra feels too much of an obstacle, but I don't want to hurry things too much and make it all stop too soon.

His hands as light as a feather. He explores my stomach, collarbone, shoulders, neck, down my arms and up my ribcage to stop on my very sensitive breasts. My sighs and moans are not very loud, but the feel of his bare skin on mine is overwhelming. I'm not even sure I'm able to think coherently.

“I love that you let yourself go when I'm touching you. You're so damn beautiful, Skye," he whispers roughly against my neck just before he kisses me there, his tongue brushing my skin just enough to taste me and make me shiver.

Answering with a kiss on his shoulder now close to my face, I want more. With Duke, I always want more. I run my nails lightly along his spine, he loved it the last time we had sex together, the only time we have had sex. The only time we let ourselves make love together. His answer echoes in my belly as his groan showers me and invades my ears with the best sound ever.

Driving a man wild with desire is the best feeling for a woman that’s so unsure of herself and in need of building her confidence. It makes everything disappear, all the doubts and fears are pushed to the background, far away from this fire igniting me.

His hands are now moving on me, one moving urgently up my back toward the clasp of my bra. I press closer to him, desperate to feel him, to feel all of him against my feverish body. Wanting him so much it’s almost painful.

With undeniable experience, he unclasps my bra and pushes it roughly to the ground, leaving me naked from the waist up to his greedy and bright eyes, drinking in my bare breasts and hard nipples. Goosebumps cover my skin, but I don't try to hide from his eyes. They have already seen so much of me, and I don't feel this need to hide from him anymore.

He sucks in his breath and locks eyes with me, a naughty smile tugging his lips. I look down at his hard chest, from his pecs to his hard abs and down some more to the trail of dark hairs that disappear under his jeans, hanging so low on his hips that I can see the V contour we, women, love to lust after. Because I am no exception, I'm craving to kiss him everywhere on his chest and follow this happy trail with my tongue. I want to hear him say he wants me.

I'm the first one to break the space between us. With the tip of my fingers I draw the outside of his abs. He contracts his muscles and doesn't move. Slowly, afraid he's going to push me away and ruin this amazing moment, I come closer, bringing my face to his bare chest and I kiss him in the middle. It's not a little fast peck, no. It's the kind of kiss that lingers long enough to make the other sigh, long enough to make Duke run a hand in my wild hair he loves and another one down my back to stop at my ass. Forcing me hard against him, I can feel his desire for me against my stomach.

I moan and look up at his face, a face no longer playful but rather serious. He bites on his lower lip and doesn't waste another second before kissing me with abandon. His tongue fighting against mine makes me dizzy. I hold on to his shoulder and tug on his hair, unable to control myself.

Suddenly, he breaks the kiss and lifts me in his arms. On instinct I bring my legs around his waist. "I can't take you against the door, Skye," he says as he walks to my bed and lays us down, him above me, his weight just enough to feel him but not enough to be uncomfortable. "Not for our second time." He kisses me again, but breaks it way too soon for me. My heart is beating so fast and loud, I'm sure he can feel it when he touches my breast, his strong hand moving sensuously, almost too slowly. "First, I want you under me again."

"Duke," I plead, feeling my cheeks burning up at his words. I love it when he talks like this, but it's also quite unsettling for me to be barely  in tune with my own desires.

"Tell me what you want me to do." He's not touching me anymore. He's bracing himself on his hands on either side of my head, his torso not even brushing me.

"I ..."

He smiles at me, running his eyes over my body and smiling at my breasts before he locks eyes with me again. "Tell me, Skye. You know what your voice does to me. And I need to know what you truly want.’’

I close my eyes, feeling the ghost of his touch on my heated skin, and I sigh. Yes, I do want to drive him wild again. Yes, I do want to tell him all these things I have a hard time acknowledging to myself. Yes, I want him inside me again.

"I want your mouth on my breasts, and I want you out of your pants now."

"Fuck, I really love your voice," he says after he groans and leans down to my breasts.

*  *  *

DUKE  

Her nipples are already tight and begging for more of my attention. I close my eyes and lightly bite the left one while I cup her left breast, silently begging her to tell me it’s good for her because it’s fucking perfect for me.

She moans softly; that tiny sound goes straight to my crotch. I kiss my way to her neck, slowly brushing my goatee against her skin until goosebumps break out all over her perfect flesh.

“Tell me you love this, Skye.” I pinch her nipple and push my hips into her, bringing my hard cock against her wetness. I can’t keep the building growl in my throat at the feel of her there, so close. I’m dying to thrust into her and make love to her and help her forget everything Sean did to her. I want only my touch seared in her mind and on her flesh.

She arches up a little, her breasts pushing against my heaving chest. “Don’t stop.’’ She runs a hand in my hair and tugs on some strands. Every time she does this, it sends shivers down my spine.

“I can’t stop now.’’ I nip at her lower lip and slowly draw it in my mouth. Before long, I slip my tongue into her mouth, making it dance against hers in perfect rhythm with my hips, pushing into her without ever entering her. Not yet. I need to be sure that it’s what she wants, that she’s ready. But it’s fucking torture to hold back. I groan again, this time in her mouth.

She trails her nails down my back before she stops on my ass, pushing me on, urging me to go harder and faster. Damn, dry humping has never been so hot. But feeling her there under me, so responsive to my body, to my touch is taking a heavy weight off my shoulders and my chest.

“I love you,” she whispers close to my ear, her labored breathing washes over me.

I stop moving and lock eyes with hers. She’s so beautiful with her glassy eyes, that lusty look I put there. Her hair is a mess of curls spread on the pillow all around her head, and I just want to take a hold of them while I’m pushing inside of her. And her cheeks have that red glow already, when I have yet to make her come. She’s breathtaking, and she trusts me.

She wants me and only me.

“I love you so much, Skye.’’ I bring my forehead against hers, shaking from the emotions, from holding back when everything in me is begging for a release, to feel her tight body around me. “Do you need me as much as I need you?”

She nods and opens her legs wider. Both of us moaning, I know I won’t be able to wait for much longer. She brings her lips to mine. It’s a soft, yet a deep kiss, a kiss that goes straight to my heart before it changes into an intense need that makes me think about nothing else.

“Now?” I ask, my voice hoarse as I can’t help but move my hips a little against her.

“Now.”

I quickly grab a condom and put it on with trembling hands. In a matter of seconds I’m back between her legs, ready to thrust inside of her and finally feel her again, something I’ve been dreaming about since that first and only time we shared.

My heart is hammering in my chest; my breathing is already loud in the quiet room, creating a soft melody with her own labored breathing. I keep my eyes on hers, but I don’t see the fear I’ve been frightened to find there. There’s nothing but love and lust.

I swallow and when I brush my lips against hers, I slowly enter her, finally connecting us fully. She sighs and wraps her arms tightly around me while I let out the air in my lungs in a long hiss.

She feels amazing. Tight, hot and mine. She’s there with me, and she’s fucking mine to hold and to love.