First Light (6 page)

Not letting my mind dwell on the depressing side of things, I focused on the good. One step at a time: a part-time job for now and I would try and work everything out between now and university enrollment. I’d already been tentatively accepted into my first choice and I knew the offer would be there as long as I didn’t flunk out on all my exams.

I began to wonder what sort of job I could get. I’d always wanted to travel, but it didn’t seem as important to me as keeping something William Rose had worked all his life for. Maybe if I worked in the travel industry I could go to college part time and study tourism. That would help me see some of the world while still keeping our home.

The thought lingered. It was a long shot, but it was better than no shot at all. As I stared at the wooden table Dad built with his own hands, I knew I had to try.

I showered and washed my hair, dressing in the only shift dress I owned and teaming it with a pair of Rachel’s heels. Feeling marginally more confident with my new appearance, I left the house. The weather was cold and dismal, as usual, but the rain had subsided. A good sign, I told myself.

I was boarding the bus, when a text beeped through on my phone from Mae.

Christmas Kick Off. White Lies 2mrw nite! xx

The Christmas holidays had begun, so everyone our age would be out celebrating a Sunday night with no school the next day. It was a long-running tradition in Clanots, but one I’d never been part of. Mainly because we’d never been old enough, but White Lies was the only club in town where they rarely asked for ID so I knew that wouldn’t be a problem. Though I didn’t feel it was really my scene, I wasn’t in a position to be picky. I texted back that I’d see her at nine.

I spent the afternoon picking up application forms for retail work, plucking up the courage before I left to go to the only travel agent in the town centre. There was no sign of the boy I quietly had my eye out for, even after repeated trips to the seafront, but the Travel Shop owner seemed interested in seeing me again. The old Greek owner said I reminded him of his daughter and to pop back after Christmas for a formal interview. With my much-needed good news, I was more excited about my evening out with Mae.

7 – Drowning

I was getting ready for the club when I heard a car pull up outside the house.
I peered out the window on the landing. Rachel’s BMW gleamed from the driveway.

‘Hey, Rach,’ I chimed from the top of the stairs as she walked in.

She sprinted up to me. Her long hair was piled on top of her head and she wore a light grey tracksuit with charcoal-grey UGG boots. She looked like she’d just stepped out of a winter catalogue and I couldn’t help but feel slightly envious at her effortless glamour.

‘How are you?’ she asked.

‘
Pretty good,’ I said. ‘Not that it isn’t good to see you, but why are you here?’

‘It’s my house too Ron, I don’t need an invite to come over.’

I resisted a roll of my eyes and went back to my room, running mascara over my lashes.

‘I need a favour,’ she added, following me in.

‘I can’t tonight Rach, I’m going out.’

‘Ronnie, I’m desperate. Just for a few hours.’

‘I can’t. I haven’t been out of this house since... well, for a long time and tonight, for once, I have plans.’

Her eyes narrowed as she stared at me. ‘Plans with who?’

‘I’m not dignifying that with an answer.’

‘Veronica, I’m in charge now that Daddy’s gone.’

‘I’m going out with Mae, okay? With Mae!’

She eyed me skeptically, looking for a lie. Finally, with a huff, she gave up trying to wear me down, muttering to herself as she claimed a hair dryer and brush from the bathroom.

‘I just can’t rely on anyone! My stupid babysitter had an argument with her boyfriend and is refusing to come out of her room. I’ve been left completely in the lurch. That’s what I get for trusting a school kid.’

Rachel stood at the door waiting for me to change my mind like I usually did. I refused to give in. I had to start taking control of my life and that meant getting one. Mae and I needed a night out and even if technically I was breaking the law by a few months, I was going.

Eventually, Rachel left, slamming the door behind her, but not without telling me how I was ruining her evening. I wanted to point out that perhaps if she hired a more mature babysitter in the first place I wouldn’t be held accountable for night ruining, but I didn’t bother. I had enough bad news to share with my sister without arguing over trivial things. I could handle a Rachel tantrum. I booked a cab and continued getting dressed.

***

In White Lies, Mae was sitting beside me looking at me like I was mentally challenged. She drummed her long fingernails on the bar in front of us.

‘Ron? You’re not listening, are you?’

I’d managed to lose myself in one of my fantasies while she was talking to me. Quickly, I tried to recall what she’d been saying. I had nothing.

‘Um, sorry, I guess I was just thinking about Dad,’ I ventured.

‘No, Ronnie, you don’t think about what’s actually going on. You never do. I know what you were thinking about, it’s the same as always. I’m trying to help you have some fun and you’re dreaming of a guy that doesn’t exist.’

‘He does exist!’ I gave myself away of course, but it was annoying that my own best friend didn’t believe my version of events as to how I was saved four years ago. It was bad enough that everyone else thought I was crazy, without her believing it too. I focused on her face, trying to be more attentive, but her eyes had glazed over.

‘I wasn’t thinking about him anyway,’ I insisted. ‘I was just in my own world. Sorry.’

‘Fine, I’m sorry too,’ she said with a pursed smile. Pulling her thick shiny curtain of black hair over one shoulder, she continued with a softer tone. ‘I was saying that my mum said you’re welcome to stay with us for a while if you want. Save you being in the house on your own, so soon after, well, you know – so soon.’

I could tell she was struggling; she had really liked my dad. Mae had known him for as long as we’d been friends and was practically family.

‘
Charlotte’s living at university now so you could have her room.’

‘Thanks, but I have to stay and take care of the house. Lord knows Rachel won’t.’

‘Ron, the house doesn’t need taking care of, you do. For once, why don’t you let someone help you?’ She took my hand and squeezed it. Then her face brightened. She stood up, waving frantically towards the door. I swiveled on the bar stool to see Cheryl and Toni wave back from the entrance. Cheryl was laughing with a door attendant while Toni made her way towards us. Toni had gone for a dramatic hair change. Her normally mousy brown colour was now a bright yellow-blonde, straightened in a perfect middle parting so looked like it was cemented to each side of her face.

She ignored me as she sat down, talking directly to Mae as if I weren’t there. I plucked up the courage to say hi and she just sort of,
sniffed
in my direction.

I felt invisible. I had on a pair of tight jeans and my favourite green top that complimented my colouring – the dressiest items I owned. I’d even kept on Rachel’s heels. I thought I looked okay, but the mass of shimmering glitter and micro-dresses around me made me acutely aware of why I wasn’t part of the in-crowd. I half smiled at Mae across the table. She looked back at me apologetically after Toni’s rebuff.

Cheryl joined us shortly afterwards and I got a marginal acknowledgement from her, though it felt more of an appraisal. Her eyes lingered on me a moment longer than necessary and her glance swept me from top to bottom. I heard my father’s voice in my head saying if someone wasn’t polite to you, you could sure as hell guarantee they were just jealous. It was a sweet thought, but I was certain Dad hadn’t a clue about the psyche of teenage girls. I bit my lip to cause a pain other than the one in my heart at the thought of him.

I ordered a round of drinks, hoping it might break the ice. Turned out I was right. As the drinks flowed they actually began to include me in their conversations. And the drinks really did flow.

Growing up, I’d been allowed the odd glass of champagne on special occasions, and there had been times when Mae and I had sneaked red wine from Rachel’s room. Back-to-back schnapps shots, however, had not figured in my childhood. So, while the girls appeared to be seasoned veterans, I felt myself quickly and drastically losing control.

The club filled up with people; a smoke machine created a permanent fog all around us, while the heat from all the bodies crammed into a confined space enveloped us like a cocoon. Somewhere in the middle, I was dancing like crazy and didn’t want to stop. I took the drinks handed to me and let the liquid burn the back of my throat. With each one the pain in my chest grew easier. I continued to twirl and shake my hips. Mae looked at me in concern, but Cheryl and Toni offered me what I needed: shallow, temporary comradeship that allowed me to drown my sorrows.

Then, out of nowhere, a white tablet was handed to me. I stopped dancing. The floor kept moving around me as if I was at sea. Despite the haze of too much alcohol, I knew what I was doing wasn’t me and that my father would have been devastated. I rocked back and forth in my stupor. A man I didn’t know had his hand on my waist, yelling something in my ear about how much fun I was. I smiled, trying to focus on his face, which was no more than a watery blur.

Looking at the pill in my hand, it suddenly occurred to me that I wanted my father to be mad at me. I wanted him to come yell at me, ground me and force me to leave the club. But he wasn’t coming. He was never coming.

With that thought, I lifted the drug to my mouth.

8 – Watchman

The moment the small tablet touched my tongue, a lot of things happened all at once.
An arm wrapped around me, lifting me high off the floor, the man with his hand on my waist cried out in pain and a glass shattered on the table beside me. Then, I was floating across the dance-floor towards the toilets.

Once inside a cubicle, I blinked against the stark white light and two fingers were shoved down my throat. I squirmed frantically, gagging against the obstruction in my mouth, but it wouldn’t budge and I was held tightly in place until after a few more moments of pointless thrashing, I vomited into the bowl.

It didn’t take long for me to dry retch. I hadn’t eaten all day. But once the alcohol, drug and all other contents of my stomach had emptied, I was released. I fell back against the cool tiled floor, dizzy. As the fog began to clear I could make out the person standing above me. I expected Mae, but should have known she wouldn’t have had the strength to hold me. I squinted up at Kalen’s face. He was talking to someone outside the door.

Mae was shouting to be let in and threatening to call the police, while he was telling her to calm down.

He helped me stand and with a grunt of disgust, said, ‘I’m getting you out of here.’

I thought about telling him where to go, but something stopped me. Instead, I leaned against him and let him help me out. I stared sheepishly at Mae and the crowd of whispering girls around her.

‘You her friend?’ Kalen asked Mae abruptly.

‘Yes. Who the hell are you?’

‘I’m taking her home – you too, come on.’

‘No, let go of her!’ Mae shouted. I was about to tell her I was okay when two bouncers appeared in the doorway.

‘What’s going on in here?’ the smaller and stouter of the two asked, directing his question at the only thing holding me upright.

‘This is my girlfriend,’ Kalen answered casually, without pause. I saw Mae open her mouth to speak and I widened my eyes at her desperately. With a dark stare she quieted.

‘You ain’t allowed in the ladies’ toilet, mate. I suggest you get your drunken bird outside before we throw you both out.’

I felt Kalen tense beside me, but he politely agreed and said all he wanted to do was get me outside. Before I could say, ‘
What the hell’s going on
,’ we were walking out of the front doors into the icy night air.