First and Last (19 page)

Her eyes go to my lips. “Mmmm, I like that,” she purrs.

“Want to get out of here?” I point over my shoulder to the exit.

“Thought you’d never ask.”

“Let me find Luke and then we can go.”

Scanning the crowd, I see him off to the side with Laurie, whispering in her ear. “Hey,” I shout, breaking the two of them up. “Amber and I are going to grab a cab and get out of here. You cool?”

Luke gives me a knowing look. “Yeah, we’re good.” He pats me on the back and I head toward the front to join Amber.

As we’re waiting for a cab, she’s hanging all over me and giggling. Normally, I hate girls that giggle nonstop, but right now she’s exactly what I need. Her body leans into mine as her head goes back and she laughs at something.

At that moment, my eyes lock in on the one person I hoped to never see again. She looks as surprised to see me as I am her. A vision of her in the parking lot flashes through my mind. Anger and the need to get even possess me, so I lean down and lick up the side of Amber’s neck before biting her earlobe. My hands go around behind her, cup her ass, and pull her into me. The whole time my eyes stay on Mia’s.

“Oh, God. I can’t wait to get back to your place,” Amber moans.

“Me too, baby.” I grind my hips into her and she lets out another groan. Without another thought, I kiss Amber. I kiss her rough and hard, punishing her mouth with my tongue, and she asks for more like the greedy girl she is.

When I peel her off of me, I look over at Mia just in time to see her run off. I don’t care about the hurt on her face or the tears in her eyes. The only thing I see is Petey’s slimy arms all over her and her lips on him. Well, now she knows what I went through and I hope her heart feels as if it’s being ripped out like mine was.

Amber and I don’t waste time on foreplay and sweet words when we get to my apartment. We both have one goal in mind and we’re racing to that finish line. She wants to ride me, but I don’t have it in me to look at her, so I flip her around and fuck her from behind after I put on a condom.

The first time I banged Amber, I was a little sick to my stomach. I had to hold my eyes wide open to keep flashbacks of Mia from flashing across the back of my eyelids. Despite being angry with her, I still love her. But with each time, and then each different chick, it became easier and easier until I was numb. I had successfully shut off the part of my heart that gave a shit, the part that kept me in a place of constant hurt and pain. The part that had me thinking of Mia.

Luke was right; he was able to show me the way to forget her. It wasn’t immediate, but three months and a revolving door of girls later, I’ve accomplished it. Because as I lie here and let some new girl suck my dick, Mia is the last thing on my mind.

April 2005

I
’m almost done.

In a few short weeks, I’ll be passing the second phase of the course to become a firefighter. With all my hours of volunteering, plus the associate’s degree in fire science I got online, I made it through the recruiting process.

You’d think I’d be more excited about it, but something is missing. Not something, but someone.

Mia.

I haven’t seen her since that night outside the club, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about her. She’s on my mind constantly. I’ll see a blonde from behind and my heart starts racing, thinking it’s her. I’ll catch a whiff of someone’s citrusy spray and be reminded of her. I see her everywhere I go and dream of her when I sleep.

It’s torture.

But as this chapter of my life is about to open, I look at the stack of papers on my lap that will close this one. Over the last three years, I’ve been writing Mia letters. I never intend to send them, they’re just for me. I knew I had to do something different because banging random chicks all the time wasn’t working.

Flipping through the stack, a few of them catch my attention.

Mia,

I fucking hate you. You and Pete deserve each other.

Blake

Mia,

It must be because Pete has money, right? It proves what I knew all along; I wasn’t going to be good enough for you. Seeing the two of you killed me. Fucking destroyed me. What’s worse is you looked happy. How can a guy like that make you happy?

Blake

Mia,

This isn’t working. The girls don’t take away the pain. I wish they could, but they can’t. I’m able to lose myself briefly in the escape the mix of alcohol and their willingness provides, but the harsh truth crashes on me before they even leave. I don’t know what to do. How do I move on and forget the biggest regret of my life?

Blake

Mia,

This is what dying slowly must feel like.

Blake

Mia,

I don’t hate you anymore. Hell, I never really did. Even if I wanted to, it was impossible. I see now how this is all my fault. If I’m being honest, I was a chicken shit. I saw you building this new life and was scared shitless you’d realize you didn’t need me in it. So I pushed you away because I’m a pussy. I regret that day every moment of my life. I started training for the fire department today, and you’re the first person I wanted to call and tell how it went. But I’ve ruined that. Instead, I’ll keep writing you these notes.

Blake

Mia,

Today kicked my ass. It was the most grueling, physical thing I’ve ever done, and all I could think was I wish I could come home and relax with you. I miss you. So much.

Blake

Mia,

This is my goodbye. I’m letting you go. Today marked the last day of the academy and I’m finally a certified firefighter, not just a volunteer. As this chapter of my life opens, I need to close the old ones. The ones that have long since been over but I was in denial. I didn’t want to accept it. I couldn’t. I’m so fucking sorry for the way I treated you. For the mean things I said in your dorm room that day and for purposely hurting you outside the club. That’s not the guy I am—the guy I want to be. I’m hoping that with time it’ll get easier, but my one wish is that you’re happy. I hope you’ve moved on and have found someone who is deserving of your love and attention. Because I wasn’t. I see that now.

As hard as this is, I know it’s for the best. I can’t keep living in the past, thinking of all the what-ifs. What if I hadn’t been such a dumbass? What if I would’ve begged for your forgiveness the next day? What if I had never gone up there to visit that weekend? Would it have changed anything? I’m not sure. Maybe this is where we were meant to be all along.

I’ve thought long and hard about love. What it means and what it does. Love is supposed to be selfless. You don’t use it as a weapon to hurt, to take advantage of someone’s weakness with it. But I know that’s what I’ve done, and that’s why I don’t deserve you. I hope you can forgive me.

I will love you for the rest of my life and I know your face will be the last thing that goes through my mind, but it’s time to say bye.

I love you, Mia.

Blake

With one last look at the final letter I’ll ever write her, I fold it up, stick it in an envelope, and put it in a box. I tape it closed, creating a vault. I’m not really sure why I’m keeping them, but it feels wrong to throw them away. Maybe one day I’ll be able to make that final step. But for now, I slide the box under my bed and turn out the lights.

Present

“A
nyone copy?” I ask for the millionth time. I already know the answer before I let go of the button on the side of the radio.
Useless piece of shit.

I’m so damn thirsty and I can’t stop coughing. Breathing in all this smoke is killing me, filling my lungs up with toxins I can’t get rid of despite how much my body coughs.

The trees are thick where I am, and I know I need to move even though I’m dreading it like the plague. And honestly, I don’t know how much farther I can push myself. But if they’re not able to come and get me by foot, they’ll send a helicopter. There’s no chance in hell they’d be able to spot me, let alone get to me. I need to find an area that’s not as thickly covered. A small clearing would be even better.

As I’ve done several times now, I roll over onto my stomach and use my arms to drag my body through the forest. It hurts just as bad this time as the first, and each movement is followed by a grunt, groan, or shout.

Time becomes irrelevant as I struggle through this. I could be crawling for minutes, or it could be hours. I’m not sure and every muscle is screaming at me to give up, but the ones I love at home are what push me forward.

It feels like I’m making no progress and the rows of trees are endless. Finally, I spot a small break in the thick of it. With renewed energy, my body gets a small dose of adrenaline to push me the final few feet to get there. Rolling back over to my back, I get a good glimpse of the sky for the first time since I rolled down that hill. I know I’m not saved yet, but a new outlook on my predicament washes over me.

Hope.

Sometimes you’ll find it in the most unexpected places.