First and Last (22 page)

July 14, 2006

A
fter getting dressed, I spray myself with a little cologne and am ready to go. Nerves are running through my body, and I don’t know why. Well, I do, and it has more to do with what I plan on giving Mia tonight than it does actually seeing her. I feel like I got a second chance at life just having her around me. She says she’s forgiven me a long time ago, but I know she hasn’t forgotten. The reservations in her eyes are apparent as is the wall she’s built that keeps me from getting too close. I don’t blame her though. I did this to her, but what we are right now is better than nothing.

At seven thirty sharp, I walk to her front door and knock. A sense of déjà vu washes over me as I remember all the nights I’d walk over and pick Mia up. It’s crazy how the same act can feel so different. When we were younger, I would be excited, anxious to spend time with her. Now, I’m nervous as hell and so unsure of myself and where we stand. We haven’t crossed that line yet and only hang out as friends, but I’m hoping she’ll eventually open her heart to me again. Even though I don’t deserve it.

She answers the door, walks out, and closes it behind her. “Well, don’t you look handsome,” she says to me. I bend slightly and give her a hug.

“I couldn’t look like a total bum standing next to the birthday girl. Everyone would be wondering why a girl like you was having dinner with a loser like me.”

“Oh, stop it. You know you’re hot.” Her eyes widen as what she said registers to us both. The tips of her ears turn red as she stutters for an explanation. She’s clearly uncomfortable with her little slip. We’ve avoided situations like this the whole time we’ve been hanging out. “Uh, I mean, you, uh—”

Leaning close to her ear, I say, “If it makes you feel better, I think you’re hot too.” I give her a wink before grabbing her hand and leading her to my car.

“How’d your interview the other day go?” I ask once we’re seated at our table and have ordered drinks.

Her eyes stay focused on her menu. “It went really well.”

“Is New York your top pick?” I try my damnedest not to sound disappointed when I ask her, but New York isn’t exactly close.

“It would present the most opportunities for me, that’s for sure, but we’ll see what happens.” She gives me a comforting smile, knowing the thoughts running through my head. That’s what happens when you know someone your whole life. It doesn’t matter that we were away from each other for a few years.

“Here are your drinks,” the waiter says, placing a glass of wine in front of Mia and a beer in front of me.

Raising my mug, I say, “To new beginnings.”

With a smile, she mimics me, saying, “To new beginnings.” She then clinks her glass with mine.

After I set my beer back on the table, I stare at it. “I missed your twenty-first birthday,” I say more to myself, but she hears me anyway.

“Huh?”

My focus comes back up to meet hers. “Your twenty-first birthday. I missed it. I was supposed to buy you your first legal drink.”

She shrugs, a sadness crossing her eyes briefly. “It’s been a while. I’m sure we’ve both missed a lot.” I nod, knowing she’s right. “At least you made it to my graduation. I missed yours from the fire academy.” She won’t meet my eyes, but regret mars her perfect face in the tightness around her eyes and mouth.

A sigh escapes my lips. “How about we focus less on the things we missed and be thankful for the things we still get to experience,” I suggest.

She glances back up at me. “Deal,” she agrees. I hold her gaze, still not believing that I’m here with her right now. “You look tired,” she observes.

“There was a pretty bad wreck late last night I had to handle at work. Some guy fell asleep behind the wheel and hit an elderly lady head on.”

Her hand goes to her mouth. “Oh my gosh. Was everyone okay?”

“I’m not sure. They were both breathing when the paramedics showed up, but they were critical.”

She shakes her head. “I don’t know how you do it.”

I shrug. “Someone has to.”

“So, how do you like your new place?”

“It’s good,” I say with relief in my voice. “Luke really helped me out, but he’s a slob, so it’s nice to have a place of my own.” She starts giggling, and it makes me grin.

We order dinner and talk about silly things, but when dinner is almost over, my nerves set in again. Rubbing my sweaty hands on my pants, I clear my throat. “So, I wanted to give you something for your birthday, and you might think it’s totally stupid.” Shit, this is a bad idea. I should have bought her some chocolate or something instead.

“Why do you look so nervous?” The amusement in her tone is hard to miss.

I kept the stack of papers in the side of my car door and grabbed them before we walked into the restaurant. They’ve been sitting on my lap like a burning reminder, threatening to slice me open and expose me for all to see. Because once I hand these over, that’s exactly what I’m doing.

“I wanted to give you these.” Each paper is folded neatly, stacked, and held together with a rubber band.

“What is this?” she asks, her brows furrowed in confusion.

“My letters. There’s about fifty of them there. I wrote most of them while I was training, some before, but they’re all to you. I never planned to mail them. They were meant to help me make it through, but I never stopped writing you.” She starts to open the first one, but I hold my hand up, stopping her. “You don’t have to read them now. Actually, I’d prefer if you didn’t, but I wanted you to have them. If you want to know exactly what I was going through while we weren’t together, it’s all there for you. You can read them when you’re ready.”

She nods, a mix of emotions that are hard for me to read crossing her face, and puts them in her purse.

Looking at the clock next to my bed, I see it’s past one in the morning. Dinner went really well, and I enjoyed my time with her, but all I can think about now are those letters. She could be reading them right now.

Will she hate me?

Will she understand?

I hop out of bed and go to the kitchen to get a drink of water. With the late night I had, I’d think I’d be passed out by now, but my brain won’t shut off long enough for me to go to sleep.

I’m putting the glass in my sink when there’s a light tap on the door. At first, I think I’ve imagined it with sleep deprivation and all, but it happens again. When I peer through the peephole, Mia’s standing outside.

“What’s wrong? What are you doing here?” I ask when I open the door, concern clear in my voice.

“Sorry to show up unannounced. Can I come in?”

“Yeah, sure.” I move to the side to let her in, and flip on the living room lamp so we can see. When she faces me, her face is red and splotchy, and her eyes are puffy.

“What happened?” Is it her dad?

“I turned down the job in New York.” Emotion still clogs her throat as she says the words.

Searching her face, I ask, “Why?”

She turns away from me and walks further into my apartment. “I wasn’t honest with you. When I said I had forgiven you, I had lied. I hadn’t. I hated you, Blake. I hated you for making me date you when I knew we should’ve stayed friends. I hated you for making me fall in love with you. I loathed you for breaking my heart.” Her voice cracks on the last word. “But I hated myself for not being able to let go. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t move on completely.”

I don’t know what to say. My instincts tell me to hold her, but my brain tells me that’s a bad idea right now. So I stand here shirtless and let her talk.

She spins back around and faces me. “Did you mean everything in those letters?”

“At the time I wrote them, yes.”

She looks at her hands as she fumbles with them. “So, you don’t mean it now?”

“Some of it, no.” Her only response is to nod, but she refuses to look at me. I walk up to her and lift her chin with my finger. “For instance, I don’t hate you. I’ve never let you go. And as hard as I tried, I couldn’t say goodbye. But the part that still holds true is my love for you.”

“I read those and knew I couldn’t leave. I emailed human resources the second I finished your last letter and told her I couldn’t accept the position. I never stopped loving you, Blake. I missed you so much during the time we were apart, and I can’t stomach the idea of leaving when we just found each other again. This might sound completely insane, but I want to see where this goes, and I can’t move to New York and be that far from you again.”

I can’t hold back. I grab her face with my hands and kiss her. Her hands reach up and wrap around my neck as my arms band around her back. I don’t know where I stop and she begins. When I taste the salty evidence of tears, I don’t know if they’re from me or her.

“Oh, God, Mia,” I say between kisses. I don’t want to rush into this, so I pull back and rest my forehead against hers. “Thank you,” is all I say.

“For what?” she responds, breathlessly.

“For giving me another chance. You have no idea how many nights I’ve dreamed of this, and how devastating it was to wake up and realize it wasn’t real.”

“Just don’t mess it up this time, okay?”

“I can’t promise I won’t fuck up, but I promise I’ll never leave. How’s that?”

“I guess it’ll have to do,” she jokes.

Life is full of unexpected ups and downs, but now that I have her back, I’m never letting go. I’ll spend my last breath telling this incredible woman how much I love her.

December 24, 2006

T
his is the first Christmas I’ve looked forward to in a while, but that has everything to do with Mia. I wanted to make this one special, so I went to the store, got a tree, and a bunch of decorations. Honestly, I didn’t know what to do with all of it, but she came to the rescue and fixed the place up.

I have to pull an overnighter at work tomorrow, so we’re celebrating a day early and exchanging gifts. I turn on the electric fireplace, plug in the tree, and light candles that are placed everywhere. The room radiates with a warm glow. Mia will love it.

Right then, I hear a knock on the door. The fact that she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to let herself in annoys me, but hopefully we can fix that soon.

“Hey, babe,” I greet her.

“Hey.” She stands up on her toes and gives me a kiss. After I take her coat from her, we walk into the living room and she gasps. “Blake, it’s gorgeous in here.”

“I wish I could take all the credit, but there’s this girl who came over and kind of helped me out.”

“Should I be worried about this girl?” Mia asks with a playful gleam in her eye.

Leaning into her ear, I whisper, “Very.” I grin with satisfaction when I see the goose bumps form on the side of her neck. “Come on, let’s sit. I made us some hot chocolate.”

“You’re such a cheeseball,” she jokes, smile firmly in place.

“But you like this cheeseball.” I wrap my arms around her and pull her flush against my body.

She giggles. “Don’t ask me why, but I do.”

I’m instantly transported to when we were seventeen and we had this same exact exchange.

“I miss you,” I tell her over the phone.

She giggles a little. “You saw me today. We haven’t been away from each other long enough for you to miss me.” I can picture her rolling her eyes while she tries to hide her smile.