First and Last (8 page)

Luckily, at school the next day, she came up to me at my locker and gave me a hug. We didn’t talk about what happened and let it go. So, while I’m glad I have my friend back, I’m tormented trying to keep my feelings for her locked away in a box.

Luke tells me the best way to get over a girl is to get with another one, so that’s what I’ve been doing. Despite hanging out and messing around a little, none of them hold my interest, but they get my mind off of Mia momentarily. It helps me stay behind the friend line too.

So, while I’m making out with Katie in the back of a movie theatre, I smother the image of Mia’s beautiful face as it flashes through my mind.

Present

I’
m out of options and know I have to move. I close my eyes, preparing myself for the pain I’m about to inflict on myself. Using my arms and torso, I try to roll over but stop when what feels like a billion knives stab me all over my body.

“Ahhhh!”

The small movement has me out of breath and I don’t think I’m ever going to make it over onto my stomach.

“You’ve got this, man. It’s your only hope. You’ve got to move and get to a bigger clearing.” The pep talk doesn’t do it and after a couple more attempts, I’m still lying on my back. Every time I get about half way, it’s unbearable and I have to stop. I’m dizzy and lightheaded and probably close to passing out, but I know that’s the last damn thing I need. I have to stay awake and get out of here.

With a deep breath, I put all of my focus into the task at hand.

Rolling over.

I use the myriad of emotions running through me to push myself harder than I’ve ever pushed before. The anger grows in the pit of my stomach, and I welcome it. I need it to get through this. Anger over my current situation and the fact that I can’t move. I’m angry because I can feel death nipping at my heels, begging to swallow me whole. But one particular dickhead comes to mind, dumping kerosene onto my internal fire.

With Xavier’s face in the forefront of my mind, I grit my teeth and growl as I use every bit of strength within me to roll over.

April 2001

X
avier is a son of a bitch.

He brags to all the guys in the locker room about which girl he’s banged. It’s worse now because he’s talking about Mia. The only reason I know he hasn’t had sex with her is because I heard him bitching today when he didn’t know I was around. Telling the guys you have to be patient with the good girls, but they want the dick just as much as the next girl. I almost fucking lost it.

As much as I wanted to beat the ever loving shit out of him, I figured it’d be best to tell Mia instead.

I don’t even bother knocking on the front door of Mia’s house. I climb up the back lattice and thump on her window. She opens it after a few seconds.

“What are you doing?” she asks in confusion. It’s been a while since I’ve done this, if you don’t count the time her dad caught me when she was mad at me.

“We need to talk.” I climb the rest of the way in and set my sights on her.

“About what?”

“Xavier.”

Her posture sags and she lets out a deep sigh. “Blake, I don’t want to do this right now.”

“Too bad. I’ve kept my mouth closed, but I can’t do it anymore.” She crosses her arms and sticks out her hip. “You should break up with him,” I blurt out. I hadn’t planned to open with that line, but whatever. It’s the truth.

“You just can’t be happy for me, can you?” She shakes her head slowly.

“What? No, this isn’t—”

“That’s exactly what it is,” she says, cutting me off. “I’m finally with a guy that is nice to me and funny, and you have to be a jerk about it.” The anger on her face soon transforms to hurt and I hate it.

“You think he’s
nice
? Seriously? Let me tell you about the side of your little boyfriend you don’t know. All you see are his charming ways and his smooth talking. What you don’t hear is the way he talks trash about every girl at the school with the guys. I know, in great detail, every girl he’s been with. You’re just another notch on his bedpost. He’ll make you feel special, but to him, you’re not.”

“I really can’t believe you. Why do you have to do this?”

“Because you should be with me!” I shout. My eyes widen in surprise by my confession.

Her eyes squeeze shut, as if hearing this pains her. Shaking her head, she says, “Blake, we’ve been over this. I thought you were going to leave it alone?”

My shock turns back into anger. There’s no way this is one-sided. Rushing up close to her until we’re inches apart, my gaze locks in on hers. “Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me you feel nothing for me? If you can say without a doubt that you only see me as a friend, I’ll leave this alone forever. I swear to you I won’t bring it up again.” She pauses with her lips slightly parted. “Tell me, Mia,” I push.

She swallows hard before she opens her mouth, but nothing comes out. Her wide eyes search mine. For what, I don’t know. I just want to know the damn truth.

“That’s what I thought.” I pace her room and run my hands through my brown hair. “I don’t get it. Why are you holding back? Why won’t you let me take you out on dates? Hold your hand? Let everyone know you’re mine?”

“I don’t want things to change!” she yells at me, but the crack in her voice betrays her.

“They won’t,” I reassure her. My eyes plead with her to give in, to give us a chance.

“I’ve told you this a million times, Blake. I’d rather keep boundaries than risk losing you. Things would change and might not ever go back to the way they were. Then what?” Her arms go out to her sides before falling back down.

I stop pacing and level her with a stern look. “That’s where you’re wrong. They’ve already changed, Mia. You’re just in denial.”

We don’t talk again after that.

May 2001

I
forgot my notebook for history class in my car and I have to turn in my final paper that’s in it. Even though I sprint out to my car, I’m still late and run back into the building as the final bell rings. The halls are empty, making it easy to navigate to the other side of the school. I’m about to go down the last hall to my right, when I hear voices off in a corner. I slow my pace as soon as I recognize the voice.

Xavier.

And he sounds pissed.

“I don’t know what you’re waiting on,” he seethes. I quietly approach him to see who he’s talking to. Before I can get a visual, I hear the other person respond.

“I don’t know. I’m not ready, okay?”

Mia.

She sounds nervous, and that instantly alarms me. My breathing stops as I continue toward them.

“You think you have a magical pussy or something? You think any other guy is going to wait? It’s been three months, Mia. I’m tired of you holding out on me. The whole innocent virgin thing was cute at first. It’s not now. If you can’t give me what I need, there are plenty of other girls that will.”

A fire burns deep in the pit of my stomach, putting my mind in such a state of rage that my legs forget how to move and I’m frozen in place. My whole body trembles, vibrating with pure fury, begging to be unleashed. The only thing that brings me back to the present is the sound of Mia whimpering. With that small noise, my feet go into auto drive as they carry me to them quicker than they’ve ever moved before.

When I see them, I could break something. My jaw clenches so hard, I think I might shatter my teeth. He’s got a firm grip on both of her upper arms, his knuckles turning white as he squeezes her tighter. She winces in pain as she looks at him with wide eyes full of fear. I don’t hear what he says to her next. My sole focus is on her as I continue forward until he shakes her and slams her up against the wall.

I charge at him, a feral growl leaving my mouth as I lower my shoulder to him. He looks at me in shock right before my body makes contact with his. We collide, the impact causing Xavier to grunt before we fall to the ground. I spring up, straddling his body and punch him in the face. Then I do it again. And again.

I can’t stop and all I see is red. “You son of a bitch,” I grit through my teeth. I fist his hair in my hands and pull his head up to look at me. “Don’t you ever put your hands on her again!” I punch him again, causing him to groan in pain. Still, I want to keep going.