Finding Strength (10 page)

I didn’t know what to say, so I pressed my lips together and remained silent. There are so many thoughts and feelings running through my head that have me confused. I place my head in my hands and try to sort some of them out, pushing the feelings I don’t want to acknowledge to the back of my mind, which is pretty much all of them. Amy places her hand on my shoulder and squeezes lightly. I look up at her and meet her eyes, compassion burning so strong in them.

“He’s not a bad guy, Anna.” Before I can protest where I know her thoughts are heading, she speaks again, effectively cutting me off before I can even start. “I’m not saying date him, what I’m saying is maybe give him a chance to be your friend. You have a lot in common, even if on a different level. It might be nice to have someone who can really understand and relate to what you are going through because they have been there, too.”

She’s right. I hate it when she is right about things like this.

“Okay.” I can’t help the half smirk, half smile that lingers on my lips.

“Okay?” she asks, needing confirmation.

“Yes. I’ll try to be his friend. I have no idea why I am even scared of what I may or may not feel for him, Lord knows I am not ready for that, but in any event, he may not even look at me like that.”

“Oh he’s noticed you, trust me.”

“Not helping, Amy.”

She just laughs at me then opens the door. Halfway down the hall, she looks back over her shoulder at me.

“Coming?”

“Coming,” I say, then I get up, put my big girl panties on, and follow her through the house and back outside to the party.

Chapter Fifteen

Present Day

Amy and I break for lunch and decide on sandwiches. Quick and easy, which allows us to get back to writing pretty quickly. We’re not sure exactly when the others will be back, but I’m sure they’ll be back before dinner. Zak is making his famous chicken and dumplings. He’s at work now, but has been getting off early to be home with me and not working at all when there’s no one else who can stay with me.

Amy returns with our sandwiches and hands me my plate, setting my fresh cup of ice water beside me on the night stand. We, for once in our lives, eat in silence, while the afternoon news plays on the TV. I almost hate watching the news now. There is never anything good to report, just people taking other people for granted, or killing someone, or robbing them, or whatever other evil things one can do. I wouldn’t watch it except I am a weather bug and have religiously checked the weather updates for as long as I can remember. 

Amy takes our plates quickly to the kitchen and then returns after making a stop in the bathroom. She helps me up so that I can go to the bathroom. Once I have finished my business, Amy helps me back into the bedroom. I stop by the chair, and she stops with me.

“I don’t want to lay down right now.” I tell her, lowering myself into the cushioned seat. I stretched my legs out in front of me then let them drop back to the floor. Amy curls up in the other chair, pen at the ready.

August 17
th
, 2008

My nerves are on high alert as I rejoin the party outside. I do my best to shake them off, but it seems that’s not going to happen anytime soon. I scan the backyard and see Braxton on Allie’s heels going to the sandbox. Shane’s mother is hovering over them as if they will disappear if she blinks. I can’t help but laugh at them as Braxton and Allie’s giggles carry across the yard.

“Hey.”

I turn toward the voice I now know belongs to Zak.

“Hey,” I say back, this time with a smile on my face. The mantra ‘you can do this, be his friend’ is on repeat in my mind.

“It’s nice to finally meet you. I heard about your accident. I’m sorry.”

I’m not sure why he is sorry but the embarrassment I feel is almost unbearable. What has he been told? What does he know? I am sure my cheeks are probably ten shades of red all blended together.

“It’s not your fault, so I’m not sure why you are apologizing,” I snap a little harsh, even for me. I quickly retract my words when I see the distressed look on his face. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it. Are you hungry? We could grab a plate and talk over food.”

  The hopeful look in his beautiful green eyes puts me on alert. It’s probably just me overreacting but, with the feelings he evokes in me, ones that I am nowhere ready to face, I need to make it clear that I am not looking for anything more than friendship. I am probably jumping the gun because I don’t even know what his intentions are since we have officially just met, but I would feel better knowing I put it out there. If he still wants to talk after this, then okay.

“Zak, I just want you to know that I am not looking for anything more than friendship. And no,” I say, holding my hand up, palm out towards Zak. “I don’t know if that’s what you were insinuating or if you were just looking for friendship, too. I just want you to be aware of where I am at this point in my life.”

“I’m good with friends,” he says, his smile lighting up his entire face. Hidden in the depths of his eyes however, I can see what looks like a touch of disappointment.

“Good, let’s go eat,” I say, and walk past him to the food table. I can feel him following me. It’s like a warm breeze blowing against my back, even though the trees are still and void of wind. I shiver but continue on, too scared to turn around, too afraid to let the emotions I buried come anywhere near the surface.

After filling our plates full of food, we find a spot at the patio table to sit and eat. At first there is nothing but silence between us. I’m not sure what to say, or where to start. It’s been so long since I have engaged in normal friendships, past Shane and Amy who are more like family, that I seem to have forgotten what being a friend is.

“How long have you known Shane and Amy?” Zak asks.

“Since middle school. We went to high school and then college together. Been friends ever since.” I glance over to where Braxton is sitting with Allie and Bernice, Shane’s mom, then back to Zak. “They are more like family to me.”

“Me too,” he laughs out.

“Ha-ha, Mr. Funny Man. Amy already ratted you out as Shane’s cousin,” I laugh along with him.

After that, the conversation flows freely. Nothing too heavy, but I did learn that Zak is an architect, has a love for animals, and can play the drums. He didn’t like New York as well as Alabama, but the money was good and he enjoyed being able to design some of the tall skyscrapers you see lining the New York Skyline. He didn’t offer up any information on Chantel and I didn’t offer up any information on Lindsey or Jacob. It was nice being able to learn about someone new though, and to laugh as though nothing in the world mattered at the moment and just enjoy ourselves.

Once the party was over and everyone had left for the evening, the four of us decide to play some card
s.
Skip-Bo it is. We spent the evening being very competitive, yet having a blast at the same time. All joking and picking on one another. I can honestly say I don’t remember the last time I had this much fun. After the fourth hand of the card game, I decided it was time to head home.

“You can stay here tonight,” Amy tells me as I am putting my glass in the sink.

“I can’t, Amy. Not tonight.”

“I don’t like you driving this late by yourself,” the concern in her voice making her sound like the worry wart that she is.

“I’m not alone, Braxton is with me.”

“You know what I mean. It’s late. Please?” she begs. I know she worries about me driving this late, but honestly, after what happened with Lindsey, I haven’t been able to stay over when there is a birthday party involved. It may be silly of me, but I just can’t do it.

“I’ll be fine. You know I can’t, Amy.”

“I can follow you, make sure you make it home okay,” Zak says from behind me. I turn and look at him. His half grin on display. I know it will make Amy feel better so I don’t hesitate to agree.

“See, Zak will follow me and make sure I get home okay.” 

“Text me when you make it home then,” she says.

After I have gathered up of all Braxton’s belongings, I hug Amy and Shane good-bye for the night. Zak follows me out of the door to my truck. Once I get Braxton settled in and buckled up, I close the door and turn to Zak.

“You don’t have to follow me home. She gets a little overprotective when I leave late.”

“I’m following you home. I told her I would. Besides, I want to make sure you get home safe. If something happened to you, Shane would kill me, if Amy didn’t beat him to it first,” he laughs.

“You have a point, but I’m a big girl and can take care of myself,” I say a little defensive.

“I’m not saying that. Please don’t take offense. I just want to make sure you get home okay.” For good measure he added in, “As a friend.”

I allowed Zak to follow me home. Once I had gotten Braxton and myself inside the house with the door closed, Zak backed out of the driveway and left. I didn’t bother unpacking the travel bag, instead I left it on the floor just inside the door. I carried Braxton to his room, got him ready for bed and laid him down, covering him up and kissing his cheek before leaving his room.

Running the water in the bathtub, I grab my sleep clothes off of the dresser and return to the bathroom. After stripping down, I climb into the hot water and lean back, allowing the water to sooth my muscles. Tension has a way of disappearing in a relaxing bath. Closing my eyes, I replay the events of the day. If I am being honest with myself, I had a really great time. Zak is someone I can see being friends with, laughing with, enjoying his company. On one hand, that makes me smile. I haven’t had a friend outside of the family in what seems like forever. On the other hand, it terrifie
s
me beyond all reasoning.

              After getting out of the bath, drying off, and getting dressed, I climb into bed. The thoughts that were swirling around in my head while in the tub are still taking precedence in my mind. I know Amy was right about Zak noticing me. I’m sure it’s the same way I noticed him. Yet, he seems to be in a much better place than I am. I don’t know the whole story with him and Chantel, and frankly, it’s not my business. I do, however, know where I am and that’s nowhere close to being ready to turn the page on the chapter that was Jacob and I. Closing my eyes, I decide to go with the flow, but with the number one rule I have set for myself. Friends only. With the demons I still battle, it’s all I can afford to offer.

Chapter Sixteen

August 21
st
, 2008

“Amy?” I call out as I open the front door to her house.

“In the kitchen!” She calls out to me.

I make my way through the living room and round the corner into the kitchen to find Amy slicing vegetables.

“Hey, you need any help?” I ask, already heading to the sink to wash my hands.

“Sure, that’d be great. You can break the lettuce apart for the salad.”

“Who all is coming for dinner?” I ask. Shane invited some of his co-workers for a dinner party to celebrate some big job they just landed. Amy had told me that they worked on this for over six months trying to obtain the contract that would offer them a lot more security.

“Ted, Sebastian, Ronin, Paul, and Zak.”

I stared at her for a moment wondering if she meant Shane’s cousin, Zak. I didn’t think he worked with Shane, especially since he just returned from New York not too long ago. But then again, what do I know? I don’t know much about Zak other than what Amy has told me.

“Yes, Anna. I can see your mind running wild. It’s that Zak.”

“Oh, I didn’t know he worked with Shane,” I say, the last part sounding more like a question than a statement.

“He started when he moved here. Zak had called Shane just before moving back to let him know he was coming home. Shane talked with his bosses and they agreed it would benefit the company if they had an experienced architect on board.”

“Is he liking the work? You know, Alabama is much different than New York. We don’t have all of the huge skyscrapers they have,” I asked, curiously.

“I don’t know. You’ll have to ask him,” Amy says with a smirk and a wink in my direction.

The closer it got to time for the guys to show up, the more nervous I became. No matter how many times I told myself that there was nothing to be nervous about, the butterflies would make sure to remind me they felt differently. Amy and I set the table out back, the weather was still warm but not nearly as hot as it had been earlier in the day. The sun was just beginning its decent lower in the sky and the gold hues it cast over the backyard was a pretty amazing sight to behold.

Just as we were carrying the food outside, the front door opened and the space filled with male laughter. The guys stumbled into the living room like a bunch of teenagers, which was really cute to watch. They seemed to be so carefree. I missed that. Just being able to do whatever I wanted without having a shadow following me around. As the guys came into the kitchen, Amy stepped back into the room from the backyard.

“Wash up, boys. It’s time to eat,” Amy demanded in her no nonsense tone. The guys just laughed it off, a couple of them muttering ‘yes, Mom’ under their breath. My lips automatically turned up into a smile at their antics.

“I’ll go get the kids,” I volunteered. Braxton and Allie were down for a nap and they sure didn’t need to sleep any longer or we’d be up half of the night trying to get them to go to bed. When I turned around to go to the bedroom where the kids were laying down, I came face to face with those eyes that seem to put me in some kind of daze.

“Hey, Anna,” Zak said, a sexy grin upturning his lips making a dimple visible on his cheek. I think I actually sighed, out loud, which of course made me blush thinking how quickly I could get carried away with him. I remind myself once again, only friends.

              “Hey Zak. I, um, I need to go get the kids up,” I stutter out.

Zak nods at me, grin still in place and steps to the side to allow me to walk past him. I do, rather briskly, keeping my head down to hide the nerves, but more so, the smile that is attempting to sneak its way onto my face.

With dinner served and the kid’s plates made, th
e
adults fixed their plates. Mindless chatter filled the backyard. The guys talked about the contract and told some jokes that only they got while Amy and I cast questioning glares at each other rolling our eyes at the same time. When the talk turned to the subject of Zak, my interest in their conversation suddenly peaked.

“Did you like New York?” Paul asked.

“I did. Although not as much as here. It’s crowded there but I stayed busy most of the time working. I didn’t really have that much time to explore because of Chantel.”

“Let me guess, she was living it up while you were spending all of your time working,” Sebastian said, his voice full of sarcasm.

“High living standards. Chantel wanted more than I could give her. Just as well though, by the time I realized I didn’t know who she was anymore, I had already lost her. Not that I really ever had her now that I look back on it. Sometimes you have to learn the hard way,” Zak said.

“Expensive way, if you ask me,” Ted added in.

“That’s a true statement, my friend. At least I found out everything now instead of later. No telling what she might have brought home with her,” Zak added in, looking somewhat relieved about whatever it was he was referring to.

When dinner was finished, the guys went to watch some baseball game that was just coming on. I could hear them making bets on who was going to win already and they hadn’t even been in the living room for five minutes. Typical men, at least around these parts. Everyone here lived and breathed baseball in the summer, college football in the fall, and then NFL in the winter. Their easy banter with each other was rather humorous, I enjoyed listening to the laughter floating across the room. Amy and I worked on cleaning the kitchen while Braxton and Allie were in their own little world in the living room floor, playing with whatever toys Allie picked out for them.

“What do you think Zak meant when he said whatever Chantel might have brought home?” I asked, whispering close to Amy’s ear so that there was no chance I would be overheard.

“Aren’t you just the curious beaver,” Amy said, bumping my shoulder.

“What? I just wondered, really.”

“Right, and I’m Madonna,” Amy said, striking a pose. I couldn’t help but laugh at her.

“Ha-ha, Amy,” I said through my smile. “So, tell me what you think.”

“I’m not sure. Sounds to me like she was stepping out and maybe he didn’t know it at first. Or maybe he did know it and that’s why he left. Shane didn’t say.”

“Then maybe it’s a good thing he got out when he did. I can’t imagine what that must have done to him though, if that’s what happened,” I whisper.

“I can’t either. I guess if you want to know, you’re going to have to ask him,” she says.

I got the distinct feeling of deja vu, well, it’s either that or she just likes nudging me in the direction of a relationship with Zak
.

We finished the kitchen, changing the subject off of Zak, and then went to watch the game with the guys. I noticed around the eighth inning, it was getting late.

“I’m going to go ahead and make my way home. Maybe the ride will put Braxton to sleep and he won’t fight bedtime.” I stand and start to pick up all of Braxton’s things and put them back into the bag I always carry for him.

“I’m going to go, too. Thank you both for dinner,” Zak says to Amy and Shane. “I’ll see you punks on Monday,” he says to the other guys.

“I’d say you’re welcome to stay here, Anna, but it looks like you have your very own escort home,” Shane says with his eyebrows raised.

“What?” I glance at Shane, then to Zak, who is now standing beside me, pulling the bag from my arm. “Oh, you don’t have to follow me home again, Zak. I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t mind and it’s not out of my way. I’d rather know you made it safe.”

I reluctantly agreed, although, I have to admit it’s kind of nice having him care that I make it home okay. He followed me home and to my surprise, he pulled into the driveway behind me. I got Braxton out of his car seat and just as I was reaching for the bag, Zak reached in and grabbed it.

“Thanks, I can get it, though.”

“Well, I either carry this, or I carry Braxton. I’m trying to be a gentleman here,” he says and that dang smirk is back on his face.

“Zak look, I like your company, and I appreciate you following me home, but, I have to be honest with you,” I hesitate for just a moment before speaking the next words. “I really would like to have you as a friend, but I can’t and I won’t cross over that line, I’m just not ready for that.”

“Good to know. I wasn’t trying to cross any lines. I just wanted to get to know you, maybe be that friend you keep talking about,” he says, and I catch a glimpse of disappointment skitter across his face before he schools his features.
              “Okay,” I answer, wondering if I am making the right choice. Not that I don’t trust Zak’s words, it’s more that I don’t trust my heart not to betray me, to betray Jacob.

“Okay, now let me help?”

I stepped back, away from the truck, so that he could close the door. I motioned with a barely there nod for him to follow me to the door. Taking a chance, I decide to invite him in for coffee.

“Thanks, that’d be great.”