Finding Strength (9 page)

Chapter Fourteen

After a week and a half more in the hospital, I was finally able to return home. Shane and Amy brought Braxton to the hospital a few days before I was released, once the wires were all gone. We are staying at their house for the next week so that I can have help with Braxton. It never fails that they are there for me when I need them the most.

Sitting in the recliner is more comfortable for my ribs, plus I can use the foot rest to keep my leg elevated. I started having some flash glimpses of memory come to me about the accident, mostly when I am trying to go to sleep. That’s not really something I want to remember. The parts I can now recollect scare me and made me realize just how close to death I came. I know how stupid it was of me to let the guilt control me like that. I haven’t quite figured out how to overcome that and I am pretty sure it’s going to take more than me just putting my mind to it.

The soft footfalls I hear crossing the floor I know belong to Amy. Her soft voice carries over the space in the in the living room as if to wrap me in a secure blanket.

“Hey Anna. Can I get you anything?” she asks, coming further into the room, up to the side of the recliner.

“No, thank you. Can I ask you something Amy?”

“Of course, you know you can.”

“When does the guilt go away? Does it ever go away? I’m not ready to let go of Jacob, I don’t know that I ever will be ready to let him go. So how do I handle the guilt without putting myself or others in danger?” I ramble the words out fast and they run together. Amy’s eyes find mine, sympathy and compassion mixing together as the mist forms. My own eyes tear up knowing that she feels my pain, understands my confusion and resistance to let the only man I have ever loved go.

              “I don’t know. I honestly don’t know, Anna. What I do know is that this is killing you little by little every day. I am watching it destroy you and I’m helpless to stop it. I know that you have a little boy who needs you like the sky needs the sun. I believe there is a purpose for everything, good or bad, and we don’t always understand or know the reasons.

“Because of that, you have to do everything you can to avoid making the same mistake. I won’t tell you to let go of Jacob, I won’t tell you to go find the first man that you see to make you forget him because we both know that isn’t going to happen, but I will tell you this,” she pauses, “love doesn’t always come just once in a lifetime, sometimes people are lucky enough to find it twice. It’s up to you if you want to take that chance again.”

Amy left me to my thoughts, her words on replay in my mind. I know that right now, I don’t want to let go, I don’t want to let the feelings I felt come alive again, not right now and most definitely not for another man. On some level, insane or not, I don’t want to suffer in the loneliness I have. I can admit, to myself at least, that being lonely isn’t so great, it’s a punishment that I have inflicted on myself without me knowing it by holding on to a memory, Jacob’s memory. So where does this leave me? Messed up and very confused. The only thing I can do for now is take it one day a time, one emotion at a time, and see where I wind up. The same as I have done for all of my adult life. Besides, I probably won’t ever see that man again. A twinge of disappointment comes over me but I brush it off, close my eyes, and drift off to sleep.

Waking up, I feel stiff. Moving slowly so that I don’t jar anything and cause pain, I finally get the chair back to a sitting position. It’s quiet in the house and I’m not sure what time it is. Grabbing my cell phone off the end table, I push the button to light the screen. Eleven forty-five in the morning. I slept all night and most of the morning. Stretching my arms as much as I can, I feel every muscle pull. It takes me a few tries but I finally manage to get myself out of the chair.

I hobble into the kitchen and scrounge around until I find something that looks appetizing. Just as I am about to open the lid on the ravioli can, I hear the front door open. A few moments later, Amy strolls into the kitchen bringing the scent of a greasy burger with her. My stomach rolls in response.

“Hey, brought us some lunch,” she says, setting the bag on the table.

“Thanks, I was just about to make this,” I say, holding the can of ravioli up for her to see. “I would much rather have the burger.”

I slowly sit down in one of the chairs while Amy starts pulling the food out of the bag.

“Where’s Braxton?” I ask.

“With Shane. I sent him on some errands and Braxton wouldn’t let go of his leg so he took him with him. That boy loves his Uncle Shane,” she laughs.

I laugh right along with her while picturing my little monkey hanging on to Shane for dear life.

When the laughter dies down, both Amy and I dig into the food she has brought. I haven’t really had much of an appetite lately, mostly due to being in a lot of pain, but today, I am hungry and eat as though I haven’t seen food in a very long time. After we are done, Amy gets up and starts cleaning up the mess. As I move to try and get up and help her, she stops me.

“No, Anna. I can do this. Just rest,” she demands, not harsh, more of her motherly tone that she takes with Allie. I sit back in the chair and watch her as she moves about the kitchen putting things away. “Allie’s birthday party is Saturday,” Amy says, almost hesitant.

I can’t believe I forgot. I should have remembered and now I feel horrible. I guess my face shows it because Amy walks over to me, placing her hand on my shoulder. When I look into her eyes, I don’t see judgement, but rather understanding reflecting in them.

“You’ve had a lot going on the past month, well the past few years Anna. I know things have been hard on you.”

“They have been, but that doesn’t mean that I should forget things, especially Allie’s birthday. I’m sorry.”

Amy starts to say something else but I cut her off before she can get the words out. Some heavy dose of reality must have just smacked me in the face because I see what hanging on to the past is doing to those around me. I am making them walk eggshells around me, not knowing what will send me back into the dark place I have lived in for so long now. I don’t always know what will set me off, but I don’t want that for them, it’s not fair to them or to my son.

“Don’t say anything, Amy. Look, I know it’s not been easy on you guys either, always having to keep watch over me, worrying all of the time. That’s my fault and no one else’s. I’m thirty-five years old. I’m a mother. It’s time I acted like it. I think it’s time to rejoin the land of the living. I won’t let Lindsey or Jacob go, but I won’t allow the events of the past to hinder the future. Watching you hurt because of me, that’s ripping me apart. I don’t know why it took so long for me to see it, but, I’m done living my life as a prisoner in the dark hell I have been in,” I say, the last part coming out stronger than I really feel.

“I hope you mean that, Anna. I know you have tried so many times and I don’t want to sound like I don’t believe you. You have had so much negative in your life and I think it overwhelms you so much that you forget to look for the positive. I’m not saying it will be easy, but if you really put your heart into it, then you will make it happen.”

“Come here,” I tell her, stretching my arms out to her. She hugs me and I return her hug as tightly as I can manage without causing myself pain. “I love you, Amy. Thank you for always being there and for putting me in my place when I need it the most.”

“Always, Anna. Always.”

I have always taken for granted the people around me, even when I, more than anyone else, should know tomorrow is never promised. Seeing the damage I have done, the hurt I have caused, albeit was due to the pain I have lived with for so long, I am firm in my resolute to change that. Starting today. I don’t have to let go of Jacob to do that. I don’t have to give my heart to someone else to make it happen either. The love we have will not vanish, or diminish over time. His memory will forever remain right alongside Lindsey’s.

The week passes by and every day I have gotten stronger and the pain has diminished, at least to where I can now move around more freely and take care of myself and Braxton. We went back to our home yesterday and after being with Shane and Amy for the past week, it’s rather quiet in here now. It’s amazing how much life two little ones can bring into a home. Today is Allie’s birthday party and Braxton is bouncing off the walls with excitement.

I pack up Braxton’s travel bag, sliding the gift we bought for Allie into the bag as well, and we make our way out to my new truck. Thankfully, I have a walking cast so I am able to move around better. I get Braxton buckled into his car seat and then jump, okay so not jump since that wouldn’t be possible without the risk of breaking something else, in the driver’s seat and we make our way over to Amy and Shane’s house. I always get a bit nostalgic at birthdays, especially at Amy’s house. They still have the pool, however now there is a gate up around it with a latching door so it’s virtually impossible for the kids to get into without an adult. The memories of the night Lindsey drowned are always at the forefront of my mind when the birthdays roll around.

Amy’s yard looks like a parking lot when I arrive, so I pull the truck up to the side of the house and park. I thought I was early but everyone else must have had the same idea as I did. Opening Braxton’s door, I sling the travel bag over my shoulder and get Braxton out of his seat.

“I want to walk, Momma,” he says. Of course he is a big boy now and so very independent. He reminds me so much of Jacob in these moments. Setting him down, I reach for his hand.

“You have to hold my hand, Braxton.”

Braxton grabs my hand and almost pulls me toward the front of the house. “Slow down, squirt.” I guess he is in a hurry to get to Allie.

I don’t knock, just open the front door and walk in. The house is unusually quiet for so many people to already be here. I wander into the kitchen to wher
e
Amy is. She is making party trays with fruits. Braxton just wants Allie and so Amy takes him out back with Shane. I’m arranging strawberries on the platter when she comes back in.

“That kid loves her to death. One of these days we may actually be real family,” she laughs.

“You’re probably right,” I laugh along with her. I seem to be doing that more these days, well at least the past week. That’s a huge improvement and a giant step in the right direction for me.

Once the trays are all filled up with the fruits, cheeses, vegetables, and meats, Amy and I balance the trays and carry them out back. As soon as we make our way through the sliding glass door, I see Shane at the grill, grill master he is, with someone I am not sure I know. We place the trays on the table and turn to go back inside to get the tea and lemonade Amy made earlier in the day.

“Okay so all we need now is the drinks, plates, and silverware, then we are all set,” Amy says.

I’m frozen where I stand. My eyes locked on the set of eyes looking back at me from across the patio.

“Oh, I almost forgot the,” Amy starts to say, then notices me standing as still as a statue. “Anna, what is it?”

“It’s him,” I manage to say past the lump and dryness in my throat.

“Him who?”

“Him. From the grocery store.”

“Zak?” she asks.

Hearing his name, Zak turns around, says something to Shane, and then walks over to us, Shane following closely behind.

“Hey Amy,” he says, never taking his eyes off of mine.

“You know each other?” Amy asks, confusion and shock crossing her face.

“We’ve met. Not formally though,” Zak replies. He reaches his hand out toward me. I stand still, frozen, putting the ice queen to shame, unable to move. “Zak Green.”

Finally snapping out of my trance, I place my hand in his warm one.

“Anna Caulder,” I manage to say just barely above a whisper.

Fighting the emotions, I pull my hand out of Zak’s and make a beeline for the sliding glass door. Once inside, I lock myself in the bathroom. I splash cold water on my face and neck trying to regain control. After several deep breaths, I dry my face and sit down on the edge of the tub. There’s a knock on the door, followed by Amy calling my name. I lean toward the door but I’m not able to reach it so I get up and unlock it, but I don’t open it, returning to my makeshift seat on the edge of the tub. Amy opens the door and steps in, making sure to close the door behind her.

“Are you okay?” Worry etches her features. I am sure she is wondering how I am going to handle this, since the last time I obviously didn’t handle it well at all.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Just shocked. What’s he doin
g
here?”

“He’s Shane’s cousin.”

“What?!” I exclaim. “How did I not know this, we’ve been friends forever!”

“Zak moved when they were just getting ready to start middle school to Tuscaloosa. Right after high school, he married his longtime girlfriend and they moved to New York. Chantel is, well, how do I say this?” She pauses, looking for the right words to say.

“Not like us? Uppity?” I guess.

“Right, she comes from money. According to what Shane told me, Chantel wanted a lifestyle far different from what Zak was used to. Shane said he worked his butt off to give her the life of luxury she wanted. I guess it wasn’t enough for her though. I’m not sure what happened exactly, except that they’ve been divorced for about a year now and he just moved back here to Gardendale a month ago.”