Finding Peace (Finding Series Book 1) (18 page)

The phone rings and then I hear Tessa’s voice again.

“Hello.”

“It’s Blake. Can I speak to Kayla?” I hold my breath waiting for her response.

“I’ve been instructed to tell you that she doesn’t want to talk to you right now. She said she has your number and she will call you when she is ready to talk. I’m sorry Blake. She’s just not in a good place right now.”

Not in a good place? Why won't she open up to me? Has he done something to her? “What does that even mean? I told you I just need to hear her voice.”

“I understand, but she won’t come to the phone. You’re going to have to give her some time. She is dealing with a lot right now.”

“Is she all right? Simply tell me she is okay.”

“I don’t know how to answer that Blake. She’s not okay. Physically, she’s fine right now, but…”

She couldn't seem to finish her sentence. I run my hand into my hair and twist my neck from side to side. My anger finally getting the best of me once again.

“Tell her it was great spending time with her and I hope she is okay. I’m not going to wait around the house anymore for her to call; it’s just too hard to keep getting rejected. Tell her I hope she will change her mind and call me soon. I'm not going to call her again. If she wants to speak to me she will have to contact me.”

“Blake, just give her some time. I know she truly cares about you. She’s just working through some stuff.”

I rub the back of my neck and let out another frustrated breath. “If she’d let me, I’d help her with whatever she is going through. I told her we’d get through this together. Bye, Tessa.”

Hanging up the phone, I didn't even wait for her to respond. In an attempt to forget these past two days, I'm going to find Max and keep myself busy.

Kayla

We successfully made the move to the lake. I wasn’t much help, although I did force myself to carry my own stuff. Tessa and Lisa set my room up for me. I don’t know how much time has passed. I don’t even know for sure what day it is. All I know is that Tessa keeps coming and going. Our rooms are across the hall from each other, so she comes in and checks on me every time she leaves the house or comes home. I can barely pull myself out of bed to use the bathroom and shower. Lisa keeps bringing me food that I push around on the plate without eating any of it, before I go back to sleep.

Tessa is sitting on the end of my bed. She’s worried about me, although she’s kind of furious at me too.

“Kayla, I know you can hear me, so you need to listen. You’ve missed a week of school. You can’t miss anymore. We’ve done everything we can think of to help you and it’s time to try something else. We’ve begged you to go to the doctor and you refuse to go. If you don’t get up and make an effort to rejoin the living, my dad has said he is going to force you to go to the doctor. You have to quit taking the Xanax, I think it’s making you worse. Those are to calm you down. You are down enough; you need something to bring you up. You need something for depression.”

I blink my eyes and just stare at her. I’m not taking any medicine now. I only took that one pill the day I had my panic attack. “I’ve not been taking any medicine at all.”

She blows out a breath and shakes her head.

“That makes this even worse, Kayla. That means that this isn’t being brought on by the medicine. You need to get some help or you’re not going to graduate. Blake quit calling a few days ago. He’s worried about you. If you wanted to push him away, I think you succeeded. David is driving by the house all hours of the day and night. None of us know what to do. Call Blake, talk to him and tell him what’s going on before you lose him for good. I know you don’t want that. Let me tell him what’s wrong with you. You know he’d come here.”

I don’t want to lose him for good, at the same time; I simply can’t make myself care enough to do anything about it. I really don’t even care if I graduate.

“You can’t tell him. Promise me you won’t tell Blake.” I’m crying now. I’m guessing I’m not dehydrated because my tears are flowing easily. Lisa has been forcing me to at least drink water. “Promise me! I don’t want him to know about this. I don’t want him to see me like this.”

“Then get up! Kayla, please get up. You’re scaring me. Do you want me to call your dad, or maybe your mom?”

I shake my head no. “I’m tired. Please just let me sleep.”

Sleep is the only comfort I find right now. My brain isn’t working overtime while I sleep, I’m not having to relive the pain of losing my baby, or the hurt I’ve caused David and now Blake. It takes too much effort to move much less get up and do anything.

“That’s all you have been doing! You have got to get out of this bed. You’re losing weight and you are so pale. I’m telling you, my dad and Lisa are going to take you to the doctor Monday morning if you don’t get up.”

“What day is today?” I’m trying to remember, but everything is running together. She just looks at me with pity in her eyes.

“It’s Friday morning. I’m heading to school. You’ve got this weekend and then they are making you go to the doctor. In the meantime, if you don’t start eating more, Lisa said she will just take you to the emergency room this weekend. So I suggest you try to eat some. Lisa even bought you some of those shake drinks to try to get some more nutrients in you. If you don’t want to end up in the ER, drink them. Make an effort Kayla. I have to go. I love you; you need to love yourself enough to pull yourself out of this.”

She walks toward the door. “I love you too, Tessa.”

She turns around with tears in her eyes. Her eyes are pleading even stronger than her words are.

“Then get up Kayla. Try. If you can’t that’s fine. We will get you the help you need. You can’t keep refusing to go to the doctor. Get up and try, or you need to go and get some help. That’s your two choices. Do it on your own or get the help you need.”

Laying there, I watch her as she walks out the door. Once she's gone, I climb from the bed, shower, and then head back to my room. All I wear all day, every day for that matter, is my pajamas. There’s no need for me to get dressed

Just as I lay down, Troy walks into my room.

“Hey kiddo, how are you feeling?”

I can’t meet his eyes. “I’ve been better.”

“You sure have.”

He sits down on the bed.

“Listen. Lisa and I are really worried about you. So we are going to take you to the doctor Monday whether you want to go or not. You can’t keep going the way you are. You’re going to end up really sick. Do you understand what I’m telling you? You need to try to help yourself or we are going to take matters into our own hands. I’ve called your dad and talked to him. Tessa doesn’t even know I spoke to him. He is in agreement with us.”

I can’t believe he called my dad. Why can’t they just leave me alone? He pats my leg and leaves the room. Next Lisa comes in, this is ridiculous. I just want to be left alone.

“I want you to drink this drink. It’s a shake. It’s supposed to taste really good. It has a lot of protein and vitamins in it. You need more nourishment. I want you to drink at least two of these a day. Then we will see what the doctor recommends on Monday.”

I take the drink from her. She put a straw in it so it will be easier for me to drink. She sits there while I drink it. I guess she is afraid I will pour it out or something. When I drink all of it, she smiles at me

“Good girl.”

She gently rubs my head.

“I’ll bring you some water and I’ll be back to check on you to make sure you have drank it. Is there anything I can fix you to eat? I’ll make you anything you want.”

“No, thank you. I’m fine.”

She brings the water and sits it on the table beside my bed.

“Drink all of it.”

“Okay.” I take a couple of sips and fall back to sleep.

Tessa wakes me up. She must have just got home from school. She excitedly sits on my bed. I make myself sit up so she won’t give me a hard time. She is smiling from ear to ear. I furrow my brow at her.

“I’ve got something for you.”

She tries to hand me a white envelope. All I could do was look at it. Honestly, I'm afraid to touch it. Clenching my teeth, I don't want to read his words telling me goodbye. There's no way I can handle that right now. “Take it, Kayla. It’s from Blake. Maybe he isn’t going to give up so easily. He kept his promise. He didn’t call anymore, but he never said he wouldn’t write you.”

I swallow hard and take the envelope from her.

“You should read it. It may be exactly what you need.”

She walks out of my room, leaving me with the letter. I look at it and turn it over in my hand. He touched this. It’s his writing on the envelope. Should I read it? What if it’s something I don’t want to hear? I get up and go to the bathroom. I wash my face with a warm washcloth. Then I walk into the kitchen and open the fridge. It’s always full of healthy food. I grab some strawberries, put them in a bowl and wash them off. I grab another glass of water and walk back to my room. Lisa walks up behind me.

“Oh sweetie, I’m so glad to see you eating something. Do you want me to fix you something? I mean, strawberries are great, but I can fix you some kind of meat or maybe just a peanut butter sandwich. You really do need some protein.”

I turn around to face her. “Maybe later, this is good for now.”

She gives me a small hug and leaves to go start dinner. Staring at the letter sitting on my nightstand, I walk over, setting the water beside the letter before climbing up on my bed. Crisscrossing my legs, I place the bowl of strawberries in my lap. Slowly, I take a strawberry and put it to my lips. It feels weird to have actual food touch my mouth. It's been so long since I have eaten any real food. Taking small bites, I'm afraid that if I take in too much at once I will get sick.

It’s time I have a talk with the man upstairs. I’ve been ignoring him lately and that’s never good. I close my eyes and say a prayer into my room.

“Lord, I pray for your guidance and help. I’m having a very hard time right now. I know that you can and will help me through this. Please forgive me for my sins, those that I have committed, consciously and unconsciously. Guide me in my actions from this day forward. I know I’m not worthy and I fall short every day. Thank you, Lord, for my many blessings.”

Opening my eyes, I feel some peace settle deep in my soul. Reaching out, I pick up the letter. Laying it on the bed beside me, I take another strawberry and slowly eat it. Before I know it, the bowl is empty. My stomach growls in protest. This small amount of food has awaken my stomach from its slumber and its demanding more food now. Placing the bowl on the table, I pick up the glass of water and drink some of it. The whole time, I've not been able to take my eyes off the letter. My stomach feels queasy and I’m not sure if that’s from the food or my nerves. With a shaky hand, I put the glass back down and pick the letter up. Turning it over, I open the seal. Taking the letter out, I slowly unfold it. Quickly, I suck air into my lungs as my eyes scan the letter. Seeing his handwriting makes me smile a little.

Dear Kayla,

I promised I wouldn’t call anymore; however, I have to be able to have some kind of contact with you. I think about you every day and I’m so worried about you. I wish you would talk to me about what’s going on. I’d be there for you if you would just let me.

I miss you like crazy. I see your beautiful eyes every time I close mine. If you’ve changed your mind about me coming to see you I understand, really I do. I don’t like it and I probably never will. I just ask one thing of you; please, call or write me and let me know that you’re okay. This not knowing is killing me.

If I can ever do anything to help you, all you have to do is ask. I’d like to at least be your friend, if you’ll let me. It’ll be hard, but I’ll take what I can get.

I’ve asked Tessa, but she won’t tell me anything. She says it’s not her place to tell. I need to know that you’re okay.

Here’s a song that will explain how I feel. I hope you’ll listen to it.  I hope you’ll read this letter. If I don’t’ hear from you, I won’t write again. I’ll know I’ve lost you.

“Say You Will” by Foreigner

“I can't sleep, I keep dreaming, I'm losing you.

Feel so alone in the night, scared to open my eyes,

I'm in too deep; I'm in over my head this time,

Can't get you out of my mind, no matter how hard I try,

So won't you.”

“Say you will, say you won't.

Make up your mind tonight.

Say you do, say you won't.

Be my guiding light.”

“I get the feeling; I've never been here before.

'Cause no one I've known's, ever moved me the way

That you do.

And I know this is the real thing.

It's all I've been searching for.

I've put it all on the line now, I'm hoping you feel

That way too.”

Missing you like crazy.