Finding Peace (Finding Series Book 1) (13 page)

“Thank you. This is what I need you to do. I just can’t see him. Please tell him I’m so sorry. Tell him I hope I see him again one day. Tell him that last night was special to me, but I just can’t see him again.”

The thought of the look on his face when Tessa tells him this, is breaking my heart even more. I’m sure he already thinks badly of me and will probably even hate me after this.

“Kayla, I think you are making a huge mistake. I think you need to talk to him. You might even feel better if you do.”

Climbing off the bed to go shower, all I want to do is crawl back in bed and go to sleep. My tears start to fall again as I turn to her. I look down because I can’t look her in the eye. She is my best friend, the one who has always been there for me. I can’t bear to see the disappointment in her eyes.

“I’ve already made huge mistakes. I’ve hurt myself. I’m going to hurt David without a doubt and as soon as you tell Blake I won’t see him, I will have hurt him too. My life is a disaster at the moment. But I can’t keep making the wrong decisions thinking that I’ll come up with the right outcome. I hate putting you in this position, but if I go out and see him I won’t be able to go through with it.” I turn and go get in the shower. I hear Tessa right before I close the door.

“I’ll always be here for you.” She says.

After my shower, I dress in some comfortable shorts and t-shirt. Deciding to dry my hair, even though I'm not going anywhere, I just don't want the bed to get wet when I lay down. Tessa must be downstairs. Once I’m finished, I go lie down and pray that sleep will find me. I’m exhausted.

Blake

I’ve been waiting impatiently all day for it to be one o’clock. The anticipation of seeing Kayla is sweet torture. Last night keeps playing over in my head like a movie on repeat. Every word we said, everything we did, me singing to her. I hope we can spend the whole day together. My plan is to take her to lunch and maybe ride out to the lake. It’s going to be an amazing day and I can’t wait to get it started.

It feels different driving up into the driveway this time. It is a good feeling not to have to hide. This time I'm picking her up for a real date. No more hiding, for either of us. Kayla belongs with me and I’m going to make sure she always is no matter what.

It’ll be hard with the distance between us when she goes back home. But I made some decisions last night, I just have to share them with Kayla. I’m hoping that as soon as she graduates, she will agree to move here. There was no other option for me, I have to be close to her. Unfortunately, I don't have a place of my own yet. Honestly, I've never felt the need for it. But I do now, it will be the first thing on my agenda. My primary goal is to give us a place to live.

Before I’m able to get out of the truck I see Tessa standing in the yard like she is waiting on me. I wonder what’s wrong. Is Kayla sick? Did something happen to her? My body is on high alert. Something isn’t right. I can feel it. Tessa walks up to the truck and doesn’t let me get out.

“Hi, I’m here to pick up Kayla. I’m taking her to lunch and hoping she’ll agree to go to the lake with me.” Tessa looks at me with pity in her eyes.
What the hell is going on?

“She said to tell you…” She wouldn't meet my eyes at first, fidgeting with the door of my truck before sighing and meeting my eyes. “She’s sorry but she can’t see you anymore. She said to tell you she hopes to see you again one day and that last night was special to her, but that she just can’t see you again right now.”

All the air leaves my lungs. My chest tightens causing me to bring my hand up to my heart. If the air hadn’t already left my lungs, this intense pain wouldn’t allow me to breathe anyway. My head is spinning and I’m feeling a little nauseous. The pain in my chest is unbearable. I’ve never felt this kind of pain. Confusion clouds my thoughts, I don't know what to think. My mouth keeps opening to respond to Tessa, but nothing will come out

She’s sorry? She can’t see me anymore? Last night was special to her? It couldn’t have been that special if she won’t see me today. Anger takes over me, completely consuming me. Something told me that this was going to happen, that we went too far. She wasn’t ready, but neither of us was able to stop something that felt so right. Fighting to keep myself under control, my anger gets the best of me. Grabbing my rear view mirror, I rip it from my front window, then hit my dash with my fist.

Tessa steps back from the truck. I know I’ve scared her; however, right now I can’t manage to care.

“You go in there and tell Kayla that if she wants to do this to me, she is going to have to face me to do it. She doesn’t get to rip my heart out without talking to me face to face. Tell her I’m not leaving this driveway until she does.”

“She’s not going to talk to you Blake. I tried to talk some sense into her, but she just feels what she did is wrong and she is ate up with guilt. By the way, you destroying your truck isn’t going to help anything.”

Guilt? She regrets being with me. She thinks it was a mistake. That hurts worse than her saying she can’t see me. I’ve never shared anything like we shared last night with anyone else. I scrunch up my forehead and look at Tessa, who is standing a few feet from my driver’s side window now.

“I’m sorry I didn’t mean to scare you. Just tell her I’m not leaving until I talk to her. She’s not getting off that easy.”

Tessa walks inside and I wait. She's going to see me one way or another. Shaking my head, I was afraid of this, but I just kept pushing it out of my mind. She was so sure of what she wanted last night. The thought that she would regret it now is shocking, but not unexpected. Deep down, I knew we should have waited

Tessa walks back out with her head down. She isn’t coming out. What am I going to do?

“She’s crying Blake. She won’t come out and see you. She said if you care about her at all, you’ll leave. She can’t face you. She’s afraid of what you think of her and what everyone else will think of her. She really isn’t the type of girl that does stuff like this, you have to know that.”

“I do know that and it’s because I care about her that I have to see her. I would never think badly of her. If I did, why would I even come here? I didn’t have to show up here. Tell her if she doesn’t come out the next thing I’m going to do is rip my radio out of my truck and if I have to I will come in and drag her ass out here. She is going to talk to me.”

“Please don’t cause a scene. My mom is home.”

“Then make sure she comes out. Tell her she doesn’t have a choice. She comes out or I go in.”

Tessa nods and walks back in the house. Closing my eyes as I wait, I try to bring my anger level down. The last thing I want is for her to be scared of me once she finally does come out.

The front door opens and there she stands. Her arms are wrapped protectively around herself. She looks scared, without a doubt broken. I want to rush out and wrap her in my arms, I’m just afraid she will reject me and it will only make the situation worse. She raises her head and our eyes connect through the windshield of my truck. For the first time in my life, I have to swallow down tears that threaten to spill down my face. She looks so sad. Her eyes aren’t the bright crystal green I’m used to seeing. She looks like she hasn’t slept at all and her eyes are red from her tears. It kills me to think that I'm causing her more pain. But at the same time, I can't let her walk away without knowing how I feel. And there is no way that I could ever let her think that I would think any less of her because of last night. It was the most incredible night of my life.

Slowly, she makes her way to the truck. Whereas I sit frozen, unable to do anything that may make her run back inside. Opening the door, she climbs into the passenger seat. Closing the door, she averts her eyes and won't look me. Keeping her head down, she focuses on her hands that she's wringing together in her lap.

I search for the words to say that will take away her pain and whatever else has her acting this way. Why does she feel that I’d just walk away from her after last night? Why does she think I would feel anything negative about her?

“I’m sorry Bla-Blake. I need you to leave. I can’t… I don’t want to see you. I don’t want you to see me like this.”

Her words are broken, just like her. Why is she doing this? It’s like she is punishing herself. “I’m not leaving Kayla. Not until you talk to me. Look at me and tell me why you are doing this.”

She raises her head and looks angry. Good. The anger I can work with. This broken and want to punish and hurt herself girl, I’m not so sure about.

“I don’t have to talk to you. I don’t want to talk to you. I never should have let last night happen. It’s entirely my fault. I’ve ruined any chance we ever had and I’ve hurt everyone involved. I just want you to go and forget about me. Forget you ever met me.”

Now I’m angry. “And what Kayla? You go back home and continue to stay in a relationship that you hate? Can you so easily forget me? I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as you think it will be. You forget I’m the one who was there. I’m the one who knows what we both felt and shared. I’m the one that felt your heart racing and saw the content happy look on your face. I’m the one you were asking to kiss you and not stop.

You, just like me, said you had never experienced anything that strong or that special. I could never forget I met you. You have changed me forever. I feel like you’re a part of me and forgetting, you would be forgetting myself. You haven’t ruined anything baby. The only way you can ruin it, is by pushing me away. I don’t care how hard you try; you’re not getting rid of me that easily. Don’t do this, I’m telling you. I’m not going to let you go.”

“You don’t think I know that! I was there I’m the one that’s sitting here with my heart torn into pieces.” She’s pointing at her chest and yelling at me. “I’ve made a mess of everything. I’ve given myself to a man I don’t really know while I’m still engaged to another one. I’ve gone against everything I’ve been taught and believe in! I’m not blaming you. You can walk away. This is all on me.

Just walk away, Blake. I can’t be with you. My life is so screwed up. I’m screwed up. I need to get my life back on track. Don’t think I’ve changed my mind. I’m still going home and I’m ending things. I’m going to just move forward alone. I’m going to graduate, and maybe go to Florida. I have to move out when Tessa starts college anyway. It’s better this way.”

Like hell she’s moving to Florida. “Damn it. Listen to me. Do you not hear anything I’m saying? I don’t want to walk away and I’m not going to. And just so you know. You know me better than anyone else ever has. You know the real me Kayla.”

Okay, I’m going to try another tactic. Pushing her like this, fighting back and forth like this, was not going to do us any favors. Slowly, I inhale and let it out.

“You promised me a week. My week isn’t up. I still want to spend this time with you. And I’ve been thinking a lot since I dropped you off last night. I just didn’t expect to get this kind of greeting from you today.”

“How can you still want to spend a week with me?”

I’m shocked. Can she not read me at all? “Kayla if you’ll give me a chance, I’ll explain everything I’m feeling. I just don’t want to scare you, but at this point I guess I have nothing to lose. You’re determined to push me away no matter what I say.”

She is looking down at her lap again and her tears are still falling. How she can have any tears left is beyond my comprehension. I’m just going to go for it.

“Look at me Kayla. Please.” She turns in the seat and so do I; we are now facing each other. “I may be making a big mistake by doing this, but I don’t care anymore. I’ve got to make you understand.”

I reach up and gently wipe the tears from her cheeks. She’s beautiful. My broken girl. Yes,
my
broken girl. I take her hands in mine and rub my thumbs across the top of her fingers.

“I’m still living at home right now. I’ve never been in a hurry to move out. I never saw the need until now. I’m going to build a house on the five acres of land I already own. I want you to come here after you graduate. I want you here with me. I don’t want you to go to Florida. That’s too far and my heart couldn’t take it. If you want to, you can stay here now. You don’t ever have to go back. We can go get your stuff today. I’ll take care of you Kayla. All you have to do is say the word and it’s done. Please say you’ll at least think about this. I’m going to build the house, regardless of what you say because I know this is supposed to happen. I just need you to realize it. You are a part of me. You’ve touched my soul and there will never be anyone else that will touch me the way you have.”

She is just staring at me. I can’t tell what she is thinking. I can see shock there, but I’m not sure what else I see. After a long, tense few moments, she finally speaks.

“Have you lost your mind? Are you on drugs?”

I laugh. “I don’t do any kind of drugs. I might drink and not even a lot of that. And never at this time of day. I may in fact have lost my mind, but if that’s the case I don’t ever want to find it again. I want you Kayla. I want to be with you forever. I want you to see that we are meant to be.”

She crawls across the truck seat and into my lap. Thank you, God. Letting out the breath that I was holding, I wrap her in my arms and breathe her in. She feels so tiny in my arms. Kayla is curled up like a cat and I love the way she feels here. I love her. Of course, I won’t tell her that, not yet anyway. I have told her in every way I can without actually saying the words and that’s enough for now. When Kayla finally speaks it startles me a bit.