Finding Never (12 page)

“
Yes,
you can,” he whispers as he slides into me, buries his warmth
deep within my soul, makes me cry out as my hands squeeze tight
around the rusty metal. “Say it.” Ty pushes himself all
the way in so that our bodies are locked together in a swirl of
painful pleasure that makes me bite my lip hard. One, single drop of
blood hits the earth as I gasp and try to draw a full breath. I feel
so full that I don't know if there's room inside of me for air.
There's just enough room for Ty and his twisted, dark, fucked up
beauty. Ty waits for a moment and then begins to move, sliding
himself in and out of me with slow, careful strokes that feel more
like torture than anything else.

“
Ty
McCabe,” I gasp as he starts to breathe heavy behind me. “You
are cruel in more ways than one.”

“
And
Never Ross,” he says through a groan. “You owe me big
time.”

I
stare at the earth through tears and wonder if I'm going to cry every
time Ty fucks me. I hope not, but then you never know with me. You
Never fucking know. Ty's moans pick up in pitch, matching mine,
syllable for syllable, until we're in perfect unison, like some sort
of carnal chorus, crying out our pleasure and pain for the moon and
the stars to hear. Before I know it, I'm saying the words he wants
me to say, and I'm meaning them, fully and completely and without
regret.

“
I
love you,” I say as the heat takes over me and spills down my
skin, singes my heart and burns my soul. “I love you, Ty
McCabe.”

16

Ty
and I are too fucking tired to carry on anymore heart to hearts that
night, so we fall asleep together in my old bed, arms wrapped tightly
around one another. Ty falls into a dead sleep almost immediately,
but not me. I drift in and out for awhile until I decide that it's
just too much trouble and give up. I'm too fucking freaked out at
what's happening between us to let my mind relax completely. I have
Ty's naked body next to mine, every warm inch of it pressing against
my skin. I can hear his breathing and feel his chest rising and
falling. It's such a new, frightening experience that I have a
difficult time adjusting. We did this once before, after we made
love, but my emotions were so up in the air that I can hardly
remember. It's so hazy and foggy and distant seeming.

I
keep my head on Ty's chest, let him tangle his hand in my hair and
stare out the window at the night sky for God only knows how long.
My brain cannot stop imagining possibilities and what-ifs and maybes.
I slip out of bed after awhile, exhausted but conflicted and dig
through my bag looking for something comfortable to wear. I settle
on a pair of sweats and a baggy tee and make my way down the stairs
to find the front door wide open.

My
mother is sitting on the porch steps with a cigarette in her mouth.
I stare at the back of her head for a long, long while debating the
risks of going out there. I close my eyes and touch my chest. I can
still feel Ty's energy swirling around inside of me, and it gives me
just enough strength to make my decision.

“
Still
smoking American Spirits, I see,” I say as I move outside on
quiet feet and sit down next to Angelica the Selfish. She chuckles,
and I can't help but notice how pretty my mama is. Sitting in the
starlight with her copper curls down her back, she looks ten years
younger than she did earlier. I try not to think mean things like
Maybe she sucks the youth out of all the young men she sleeps
with,
but the thoughts come unbidden and sit there as I
reluctantly accept a cig from her outstretched hand.

“
Why
did you come back?” she asks me all casual like. She's still
the only person that hasn't hugged me or cried. I force myself to
think about the lack of dust in my bedroom and know that she has
feelings for me whether she shows them or not. I use my mother's
blue lighter and watch as the lit cherry makes her cheeks glow like
they've been rouged. I turn away from her and rest my elbows on my
knees as I think about an answer to that question.

“
To
piece myself back together,” I respond honestly. “To get
the closure I never had. To find out why a murderer meant more to
you than I did.” I give her no holds barred honesty and watch
her face. She says nothing.

“
Do
you like Darla?” she asks instead as she looks over at me and
examines my face like she's never seen it before. “She looks
just like you when you were a baby.”

“
Where
is he, Mom?” I ask, inquiring about Luis. “Why isn't he
here anymore? What happened?” My mom shakes her head and
tries to stand up, but I grab her hand and plead with everything
inside of me that she'll be a Mom for one second, just one. “Please,
tell me,” I whisper as she stares down at me. The crickets
mark the passing of time with gentle chirps, letting us know that no
matter what is happening to us, the world is still spinning whether
we like it or not.

“
He
tried to touch your sister,” she says, and my blood goes cold.

“
What?”
One single word burning with the world's hottest malice.

“
Oh
for God's sake, Never. That was four years ago, and I don't want to
talk about it.” Mom pulls her hand away from me, but I don't
let her leave. I get up and follow after her, taking my cigarette
along with me.

“
But
I do,” I say. “I want to talk about it.” Angelica
Regali shakes her head and moves into the kitchen. I chase after her
and refuse to let this go. I can't. I just can't. “Who?
When? What happened?”

“
He's
already been dealt with, Never,” my mother says as she pours
herself some Scotch. “It's over and done with. Don't think
you can come riding in on a white horse and save everyone from
themselves. It's not going to happen. Just because you spent time
on the West Coast doesn't mean you know everything all of a sudden.”

“
Oh
fuck, Mom,” I say, throwing my hands in the air. “Are
you really gonna go there? Are you really going to play the region
game with me? This is such bullshit. I'm not trying to save anyone
from anything. I just want to know what the motherfucker did to my
sister.”

“
If
you cared,” she says, spinning around with her glass of alcohol
raised between us like a shield. “You'd have stuck around.”
I see red, bloody, violent, angry red. I want to scream, but I want
to keep this conversation away from my sisters, so I don't. I take a
deep breath and imagine Ty. Somehow, that works, and I start to calm
down.

“
Who?”
I ask, certain that at least she'll give me that bit of information.
My mother sighs and glares at the tip of my cigarette like it's the
devil come to take her home to where she belongs.

“
Jade.”

“
Did
he rape her?” My mind is so cold right now, so empty behind
all of this red rage in my vision. It's a strange place to be, and I
don't like it. It makes me afraid of myself, afraid of what I might
do. My mom doesn't answer, just stands there and drinks her booze.
I stare, and I wait, and I wait. Jade was Luis' biological daughter
which makes this all the more disturbing to me. I start to pace.

“
No,
Never. He didn't get that far.” I spin around. One question
hangs from my lips.

“
Why?”

“
Because
he got caught. We already pressed charges, Never. He spent a few
months in jail. What else do you want me to do? Go punish him
myself?”

“
I
want you to tell me exactly what happened, and I want you to tell me
you're sorry, that I was right, that I've always been right and that
you were dead wrong.” Tears start to spill down my cheeks
again. “I want you to tell me that you love me, Mom. Here's
your chance. I am giving you a one time, get out of jail free card.
Help me move on. Be my mother for once.”

Angelica
looks me right in the face before she breaks my heart.

“
I'm
sorry, Never, but I can't. I can't right now.”

And
then she moves away and I fall to my knees on the linoleum floor,
shattered to pieces and desperate for help.

Thirty
seconds later, Ty walks in and saves me from myself.

17

“
Oh,
Never,” Ty says, sitting down beside me. “Fuck.”

I've
stopped crying which is a bad sign. I go to that empty place inside
of myself, the one that always used to cry out for pretend love, and
try to get a hold of myself. Ty doesn't wait for me to say anything
or explain, he just reaches out and pulls me into his lap, squeezes
me tight against his bare chest and holds me there. I cling to him
and breathe through my nose. I want to get better, I want to change,
I want a life where I don't cry at night, where I stop pushing people
away, that I can live without regrets.

“
She
doesn't love me.” The statement is simple enough to
understand, but Ty shakes his head.

“
She
does,” he explains as I try to push back from him. He won't
let me. Somehow, in this moment he knows better what I need than I
do.

“
Did
you fucking hear that conversation?” I ask, and Ty nods.

“
I
see a woman who's afraid, afraid to love, afraid to admit to her
mistakes because then she has to take the blame for the pain in her
daughters' lives, and she isn't strong enough for that.”

“
How
do you know that?” I ask him. “You just fucking met
her.” Ty lets me move back and stares at me with dark eyes.
Something is coming, something big. “Don't,” I say
before any words can come from Ty's lips. “Stop.”

“
When
I was twelve, my step-father tried to rape me.”

“
Ty
… ” He isn't ready for this, and I don't want him
spilling his secrets because he feels sorry for me. That isn't
right. If I let him do that, I'll be as bad as Angelica.

“
Luckily,
he didn't quite make it all the way, but … ” Ty nibbles
his lip ring and sighs. “The point is, my mom didn't believe
me.” He pauses. “Sorry, scratch that. Let me rephrase
it. She knew I was telling the truth, but she didn't want to admit
that to herself.” I put my hands over my ears and close my
eyes. Ty cannot open himself up for me or his heart may fall out. I
can't have that happening. I don't want him to slide back because
I'm having such a hard time moving forward.

“
Stop,”
I whisper in the quiet dark of the kitchen. “Don't break
yourself into pieces for me.”

“
Never,”
Ty says as he gently but firmly moves my hands away from my ears. “I
will do whatever it takes to make you better, even if it means
destroying myself in the process.”

“
But
why?” I whisper.
You're not worth it,
rings through my
head, but I push it back. That's not Ty, not anymore. He was just
reacting to me back then; now he's reacting for me.

“
I
told you, Never, I fucking love you.”

“
You
don't even know me.”

“
Bullshit.”
Ty drops my hands and looks at me with an expression that says he's
not taking any shit. “Don't be stupid, Nev. You know better
than anyone that that's not true. You're the only person in the
world that's ever known me. Maybe we haven't known each other since
high school,” I notice the slightest bite in Ty's words, the
slightest punch of anger for Noah Scott. “But that doesn't
fucking matter. Relationships can't be measured with a clock or a
calendar, Never. It's about getting each other. You get me, and I
get you. That's the only thing I give a shit about.”

“
I
don't deserve you,” I say and mean it. Ty smiles and pulls me
into his lap, lifts me up and carries me like some fucking fairy
princess up the staircase to my perfectly preserved bedroom. When he
lays me down on the bed and climbs on top of me, I forget my worries
and think about nothing but him.

18

Ty
and I both wake to the sound of shouting in the hallway.

“
Fuck
you!” Jade screams at the top of her lungs. I know it's her
because I was often on the receiving end of her fits. When Jade gets
really, really ticked off, her voice cracks and gets brittle like
she's not only a chain smoker but also a hundred years old.

“
I
am not having this conversation with you.” Beth.

“
Yeah?
Well, what's new? You never have conversations with me, Beth. You
tell me what to do, chastise me, talk down to me, but you don't ever
just
ask
me what I'm doing or why. I'm twenty years old, and
I don't need your permission to do a damn thing.”