Finding Never (15 page)

“
Sing,”
India says with a smile. “I can sing.”

“
Ah,
I have to hear it to believe it,” Ty says and India
giggles.
It's not intentional, it's just that Ty makes women feel wanted.
A trick of the trade, I guess.

“
Here
we are,” Noah says, sounding terribly relieved. The river,
known simply as 'Hatchett's' is a winding, sweeping monster of
powerful currents and white froth that hides the river's sharp teeth
from the viewers above. I've seen more than one brave adventurer
torn apart on those rocks, some of whom made it, and others …

“
Fucking
gorgeous,” Ty says, leaning forward over the dash. “Shit
and fuck.” Noah cringes, but India barely notices Ty's
language. It's sort of a …
thing
… in our
family. Beth is already waiting in the parking lot. I have to say
that even though she now drives a minivan, she's still like a bat
outta hell when she hits the road. Darla and Maple are playing in
the grass with Lettie and Lorri while Jade sulks in the shade nearby
like a vampire. Her skin is pale and stretched taut across her face
like she hasn't been sleeping much lately. I need to talk to her
soon, before she becomes a Mini-Me and spirals straight into hell.
Jade couldn't take what I've been through; she would die.

Noah
parks next to my sister's van and we all climb out into the cool, dry
air of winter. It has this bite to it, something that tells me that
a storm is on the way, but for now, the sun is shining weakly above
the trees and everything is peaceful. Things can change real fast
around here; I only hope Ty and I don't get stuck in a cellar with my
family. Tornadoes are not exactly my thing.

“
Never,
look,” Lorri says, racing up to me with a daisy chain clutched
in her hand. I smile and bend down, letting her lay it across my
hair. As she does this, she points at my scalp. “Your hair is
changing color.” Roots. She's talking about my roots.
There's going to be a time here soon where I'll have to decide if I'm
keeping the black and red, going back to the copper, or changing it
up all together. Maybe I should be a blonde? I wonder if Ty likes
blondes. I don't wonder about Noah. What does that say?

“
Just
as pretty as when you left,” Noah says as he glances first at
the river and then at me. The reference isn't lost on me. Not Ty
either.

“
Just
as fucking beautiful,” he says even though he's never seen this
place before in his life. Or has he? Fuck. How would I know? I
have no idea where Ty comes from. He doesn't have any discernible
accent that I can place (not to me anyway), and he hasn't mentioned
anything that might give him away. I stare at Ty McCabe for a
moment, and he stares back at me. “See something you like?”
he asks which makes me roll my eyes and take Lorri's hand. We head
over to the grassy area that fronts the head of the trail here, and I
do my best to smile at Jade. I sort of want to yell at her to get
her friggin' head on straight, but what good would that do me? Jade
is just like me: she's confrontational and she doesn't play well with
others.

“
You
must be one tough bitch to hike in those boots,” I joke, but my
words fall flat. Jade scowls at me.

“
Fuck
off, Never.”

“
Jesus
Christ, Jade,” Beth says in her best mom voice. It's pretty
good, even better than it was when I left. Guess having a kid really
refined Beth's best skills. “Can you be pleasant for thirty
seconds? That would be a God given gift.”

“
Why
are we even here anyway?” Jade complains as she stands up and I
see that her skirt is even shorter than the ones I'm used to wearing.
I say nothing. “So Never can pretend she's part of the
family?”

“
She
is
part of the family,” Beth says and her tone is not
pleasant, like it's been poured from iron or something. My sister
tucks her short hair behind her ear and it immediately escapes,
brushing against her cheek as she bends down and picks up her
daughter. Jade glares daggers at me, further separating us, further
alienating me from any chance of feeling like I actually belong here.

“
Look,”
I say because I'm starting to hurt. When I hurt, I get pissed. When
I get pissed, I kick ass. “I don't know what your problem is
with me. If anything, you owe
me
an apology, but if you want
to just call it even and drop all of this crap, then let's do it.”
Jade steps back and raises her eyebrows like
What the fuck,
sister?

“
Who
the hell do you think you are?” she screeches, not holding back
even an ounce of her rage. “You don't know me. You don't know
this family or what you put us through. You are the world's most
selfish human being, Never
Regali.
” I don't correct
her. What good will that do? I just stand there with Noah on one
side of me and Ty on the other. Both are silent. Both know that I
have to handle this on my own.

“
That
isn't true,” I tell her, trying to keep my voice soft. Maple
is starting to cry. I don't want her to associate pain or tears with
me. What kind of a fresh start is that? “I have thought about
you every single day for the past five years and I – ”

“
You're
a nasty, filthy fucking whore, Never,” Jade growls as Beth
hands Maple to India who takes my three youngest sisters away from
this fight and over to a small play area at the end of the parking
lot. “I know everything. Everything. We all do.” I
stare at her because I'm not sure what she's talking about. How
could they know? Who could've told them? I look over at Ty, and he
shakes his head slightly.
No.
Anyway, he would never do that
to me. Ty isn't like that. “You're a disgusting, diseased,
useless woman. A throw away.” I take deep breaths; I push my
feelings back; I die a little inside.

“
And
you're a spoiled rotten, foulmouthed little witch.” My eyes
snap over to Ty. He doesn't move forward, doesn't raise his voice,
doesn't even look angry. He just says what he says and means every
word of it. “I don't know what you think you know or how you
know it, but I don't give a shit. You need to take a step back and
examine your own life before you start judging hers because to me,
Never is perfect.”

Oh.

My
heart cracks in two as I glance over at Ty and realize for the first
time that maybe this whole thing isn't about deciding whether Noah is
good enough or whether I love him. This is about deciding that Ty is
better, that I love him more, that I can't live without him. I gasp
and turn around, rest my hands on my sister's van, try to breathe.

“
Are
you alright?” Noah asks, obviously a bit out of the loop. I
don't fill him in; I
can't
fill him in and have him look at me
like I'm someone else. At least in Noah's eyes, there is no taint,
no blood, no sign that he knows what I've done or where I've been.

“
Fine,”
I say as a dizzy spell takes over me, and I find myself sitting down
with my head against the tire. I don't know if it's nerves or angst
or anxiety or what, but I can't stand up, not yet. “Just
peachy.”

I
crack open my eyes for a moment and the world spins. Ty is walking
away with Jade and Noah is sitting next to me, rubbing his thumb over
my knuckles. Beth is standing dumbstruck in the same place she's
been this whole time. When she turns and faces me, her face falls
and she starts to get teary eyed.

“
Never,
I'm sorry,” she whispers as she comes over and sits down, too.
“I don't know what's wrong with her. She's just like this all
the time now.” I sit up and try to swallow. It takes me three
tries. I look for a cigarette and practically have a panic attack
when I can't find one. I'm so used to being around Ty that he
carries them for both us.
Ty.
Beth pulls a box out of her
purse and hands me one. It's a freaking Newport, but I take it
anyway and let her light me up.

“
What
did she tell you?” I ask my sister, meeting her eyes, trying to
gauge the truth in her next words. “What do you know?”
Beth stares back at me, and it's that little second of silence that
tells me she doesn't know anything. And neither does Jade. She was
calling me names, calling me on something else, too, maybe, but not
the truth. She was making horrible generalizations, guessing,
grabbing at straws, and the worst part is that she was right. She
was fucking right.

“
I
don't know what you're talking about,” Beth says with a sigh,
and I can see that I've unwittingly revealed to her that I've got a
secret. A big, fat, nasty, bloody secret. “Please don't be
angry with her,” my sister pleads and little lines of worry pop
up all over her young face. This isn't fair to her. Nothing is
fair. The world isn't fair. I hate this kind of shit.

“
Okay,”
I whisper because I don't have the strength to cut two people off of
my heart. If I do, I'll bleed to death. My mom, she isn't going to
change, but Jade … she's flippant and angry and full of hate,
but she isn't numb. Numb is so much worse. I look over at Noah who
takes my hand and puts it to his lips, presses the most gentle kiss
across my knuckles. He's this little blip of color in all of this
black and white.

I
glance up and can't find Ty or Jade. I'll have to trust that he
knows what he's doing. He's good with broken people, Ty is.

“
I
guess our hike is ruined?” I say as Noah's dog, Never, starts
to bark from the area of the play structure. Beth says nothing but
gets up to check. Noah, he stays.

“
I
don't see why it has to be,” he tells me as he brushes some
hair from my face. “If you want, you and I could take a short
walk together.” He pauses. “Alone.” I look up
and try to find Ty one more time before I give him my answer.

“
Okay,”
I say with a sad smile. “Okay, I'd like that.”

21

Ty
and Jade are waiting for Noah and me when we get back, lying on their
backs in the grass beneath a massive oak tree. They're not touching,
not even close, but Jade scrambles to her feet when she sees us come
around the small fence with the bitch-Never by our sides. She yaps
at Jade and then starts sniffing around Ty's crotch. He lays there
and doesn't move. I have this really disturbing fear that Ty has
slept with Jade, but then, maybe he thinks I slept with Noah. We're
just going to have to trust each other this time. It's going to be
hard, but it has to be done. There's no other way.

“
Beth,
um, took everyone else home,” Jade whispers and I can see that
most of her makeup is gone. She must've cleaned it off while I was
walking the winding river banks with Noah and discussing birds. And
cars. And vacation destinations. He didn't ask about my secret,
even though I could see that he knew, too. They'll all know now, but
I may not tell any of them. I have to see how things go. I let Noah
hold my hand but only for a little while then I pretended to be more
interested in throwing sticks and stuff for Never to chase. I don't
want Noah to think we're dating again because we're not. We're just,
I don't know, testing the waters or something. “Never,”
Jade begins with a big breath and I fear that Ty has told her
everything, spilled my dark secrets for her to see. I tense up and
can practically feel Noah's pretty eyes trying to pick me apart.
“I'm sorry, but I need you to be sorry, too.” Jade gets
tears in her eyes. Mine remain dry, for the moment anyway. “I'm
sorry I didn't believe you about Luis, but I'm also mad that you
didn't stick around and stand up for me. I wanted you to be there,
Never, I really did.” Jade pauses and looks at Noah like he's
intruding. He gets it pretty quick and moves away … towards
Ty. Nice. I hope they have a really fun conversation about me
behind my back. Or in front of it. Whatever. “So please,
tell me your story.” I blink several times to try to
understand what she's just said.

“
Oh.”
I look over at Ty who I can hear is speaking to Noah but over the
roar of water, can't make out the words.
He didn't tell her.
I
look Jade in the face, search her for a moment and see nothing but
pain and angst. She's just sad, just a lost soul, not a broken one.
I hold out my arms and she steps into them, lets me hold her tight
for just a moment, just one blissful, perfect moment.

“
I
love you,” Jade says to me and changes my world without even
knowing it. Tears come then, finally, like a waterfall, they cascade
down my cheeks and drip onto my sweater. Jade has them, too, and we
both look at one another with pouty lips for a moment before we burst
into laughter. The boys glance back at us, but they both know better
than to interfere. This is sister stuff. You don't mess with sister
stuff. Especially if you have a penis.

“
I'm
sorry,” I tell Jade, and I mean it. I really, truly do. She
nods her head, and I know that although things can't be fixed so
easily, that there's at least a foundation laid for us to build on.
Because of Ty. It has to be because of Ty. What he said to her, I
don't know, but it was something special. “We'll go out for
ice cream,” I say as I take a deep breath. “And I'll
tell you what I can. I can't promise that it'll be everything, but
it will be something.” Jade understands this and nods.