Finding Never (20 page)

“
That's
one sick ass piece of poetry,” Ty tells Noah and then he just
turns around and walks away, disappearing into my bedroom to,
hopefully, put on some kind of shirt. If he keeps walking around
without one, one of my sisters may very well try and jump him. Or
maybe I'm just projecting because that's what I want to do.

I
look at Noah quickly, expecting him to be angry or sad or upset, but
he's just smiling away like all is right with the world. He's too
happy like that, Noah is.

“
I
like him,” he tells me with a smile that says he suspects how
much Ty means to me. At first I think he's admitting defeat, getting
ready to do the hard thing and announce to both us that this will
never work. “Too bad I'm going to have to kick his ass.”
And then Noah leans over and presses the softest, lightest kiss to
my lips before standing up and moving into the kitchen to help Beth.
Crap.
My
stomach rolls over and I barely make it to the bathroom before I
throw up. As soon as I'm done, I go outside and smoke like a chimney
while I try to figure out what I'm going to do.

“
Any
sparkles or butterflies?” Ty asks, coming out the door in a
tight as fuck red tee and baggy ass holey jeans tucked into his big,
brown boots. His shirt says,
Can't
Be Bothered,
but
his dark hair is gelled and styled to perfection and his facial
piercings are different, all small, silver studs, even his nose ring
which has been replaced with a small bar. His rings are all silver
now, too, without any gems other than the beautiful blue one I was
admiring on the bus. “Any fireworks or explosions of light and
sound?” Ty makes this stupid hand motion that reminds me of
jazz hands. Ugh.

“
He
kissed me,” I respond automatically and Ty shrugs. He pauses
at the edge of the porch and slides my cigarette out of my mouth,
sticking it in between his own lips with a grin.

“
And
I sucked you off last night so screw him.”

“
Ty,
Jesus Christ!” I say, but I'm glad he's not mad.

“
You
ready to say it yet?” he asks me as a car turns down the
driveway and my blood goes cold in my veins. Bitch-Never starts
freaking out and comes running around the back of the barn at full
speed like she's a guard dog or something. Could be one if she
wanted. Noah was right: she bites. I have the marks to prove it.

“
Say
what?” I whisper, but I'm too distracted by my sister's car to
say or do much of anything. The white sedan winds its way towards us
slowly, crawling towards a conclusion, holding the last living member
of my family that I need to make up with to move forward with my
life. This has been a slow journey but a worthwhile one.

“
Fuck
Noah Scott,” Ty whispers into my ear. “Say it now or
I'll make you scream it tonight.” I punch him in the arm as
Zella comes to a stop awfully close to the porch steps. I want to
indulge him but I can't, not right now. I need my mind wholly and
completely focused on Ty McCabe when I say it. Luckily, he's not as
easily offended as some. He gets me, as always.

I
start to step forward and find that I'm down the porch stairs before
I even realize that I've moved. Snow is still falling lightly from
the gray sky, resting on my scalp like a halo or something. I brush
flakes from my eyelashes as Zella climbs out of the car with a head
of dyed brunette curls and a face that's red and soaked in tears. I
don't, of course, know why she's crying, but some part of me hopes
it's because she's happy to see me.

For
once, I'm right.

“
Never,”
she says and then she's running and we're throwing ourselves in one
another's arms. She squeezes the life out of me and whispers in my
ear, “You were right.” And that is all I need to hear.
I don't know how she knows I needed that or if Beth told her or what,
and I don't give a shit. All I want to do right now is hold my
sister tight and know that things will be okay. I was afraid of
seeing her, but only because I didn't want to lose the progress I'd
already made. Looks like I didn't need to be. Things are looking
up. They might not be for long, but they are right here, right now,
and I'm starting to understand that that's all I can ever ask for.
“Oh my God, Never,” Zella says as she steps back and
looks down.

I'm
not wearing shoes and my feet are freezing in the icy slush of the
driveway, but I don't care. The relief I'm starting to feel spread
through my chest is enough to keep me warm. For now.

“
Let's
go inside,” she says with a shiver, catching Ty with her eye as
she passes. She tosses me a,
You will tell me about this man or
you will die,
look and drags me inside. When she sees Noah, she
squeals and the two of them hug tight, like the oldest of friends.
“It's like the good ol' days,” she says to me as she
looks at Noah and I standing next to each other. “I always
thought you guys made the cutest couple.”

Ah.
Noah and I exchange a look and then I exchange one with Ty who just
smiles. He isn't worried. Things get awkward for a second, but
luckily I find that I'm easily able to distract Zella by discussing
her hair which she says is the worst dye job she's ever gotten, but
seems quite proud of.

“
I
don't see why you two had to dye your hair,” Beth tells us as
she motions for us all to cluster into the teeny little kitchen that
was never meant for a gathering such as this, but which accommodates
us all without complaint. Things are tight but cozy. It's a strange
feeling but a pleasant one.

The
four little girls get chairs and the rest of us stand. People are
talking all around me, gesturing, firing off questions that hit the
tip of their tongues and disappear into this mass of bodies and
voices and feelings that swirl like leaves in the wind and just when
I think it's all too overwhelming to take in, too much to absorb all
at once, Ty is there and squeezing my hand with his. My anxiety
dissipates in a blip and is gone in a flash, giving me a chance to
look at Zella who's planning on becoming the 'world's best damn
defense lawyer' and Beth who is such a mom now that it's almost
comical; there's Jade who's sad but not lost, India who sings like a
siren, and Lettie who sketches when she thinks nobody is looking.
There's Lorri, the little girl with big dreams of Broadway, and Darla
who will know me throughout her life without a single gap, who will
be Maple's big sister instead of her aunt. And then there's me,
Never Nicholas Ross who was once Never Fontaine Regali, who doesn't
know what she wants to do, but who's in love with a guy named Tyson
McCabe that has a past he won't speak of and hands that can play my
body like an instrument.

Things
are good. Almost, dare I say, perfect. I even smile when Beth hands
me a bowl of hot, peeled potatoes and says, “Mash.”

“
I
hate mashed potatoes,” I tell her, but I do it anyway, if only
because it feels good to participate in this group mentality we have
going on. Zella smiles at me from across the kitchen and I know that
as soon as we get time alone, I'm going to tell her my story, my
whole story. I don't know why, but something about her makes me want
to spill my secrets. She's going to be a damn good lawyer.

“
Never
and I are guests, we shouldn't have to prepare anything. We should
be catching up on the couch with a couple of beers.”

“
Not
at nineteen you're not,” Beth says with a tight-lipped smile.
“Not on my watch.”

“
Alcohol
Nazi,” Zella says affectionately. “You do know that I
drink at school, right?”

“
Sorry,
Zella,” Beth says as she sets a plate of overcooked pasta on
the table. “That's just the way it's going to be. Period.”
I laugh, they all do, but then I get caught on a word, the one that
means end of sentence and woman's menstrual cycle in three tiny
syllables.

Period.
Wait. Shit.

28

It
is so official. I am fucked. I am up shit creek without a paddle.
I am batshit friggin' crazy.

Ty
and I arrived here on the seventh of December. It's now the
twenty-first. We made love on the fourth. I always,
always,
get
my period on the fifteenth. Well, where the fuck is it? I go on my
phone under the table during dinner even though I get bitched at by
Beth. I end up having to freaking ask Lacey to research it for me
and get back to me. Maybe my period is just late? It's never been
before, but it is now. It is fucking now. I text Lacey with a few,
minor details and don't even bother to try and hide the fact that I'm
worried. She sends me some stupid emoticon faces and says she'll
call me later.

“
You
look like you've seen a ghost,” Ty tells me at one point, but I
can't even look at his face. We had sex, a lot of sex, without
condoms, and I'm seriously surprised by this? Wow. Good job, Never.
Way to go on taking control of your sex life. I try to smile and
laugh at my sisters' jokes, try to tell Zella something interesting
about my life, but all I can think about is this.

I
might be pregnant.

I
try to tell myself that
might
is a very important word and
that I can't worry about it yet. Then I start thinking about what I
would do if I was pregnant and things don't seem so rosy anymore.
Abortion? Adoption? Single parent? Family? Which option will I
get? Some of them are choices; others are not. If I am pregnant and
Ty finds out, he could take off. He doesn't look like the daddy type
with his rings and his piercings and his
fuck this and fuck that
attitude.

“
I
don't think the Sharks have a chance,” Noah says in reference
to hockey or basketball or some other stupid sport that I don't give
a rat's ass about.

“
Fuck
the Sharks,” Ty says, and somehow that comment just makes me
sick to my stomach. Or maybe it's just Beth's nasty wheat rolls. Or
the baby. Or yeah, it could be that. I run to the bathroom and
throw up, surprised as fuck to find that Ty has picked the door's
lock and come in behind me. He holds my hair back and tries to be
soothing. “Your sister is
the
world's worst cook,”
he says. “I thought India was bad, but wow, Beth takes the
cake.”

I
don't answer him. Presently, I'm neck deep in toilet water and puke,
so it's sort of not an option. I'm also afraid that I can't look at
him without blurting it out. There's also the possibility that he'll
see it in my eyes. Ty seems to be able to read me like a freaking
book.

“
Go
away,” I moan, but he just sits on the counter and waits for
me. Afterward, we pop out front for a cigarette. I vaguely realize
that if I am pregnant, that smoking might not be the best thing in
the world for me, but I do it anyway because otherwise, I don't know
what I'll do. Run through the house screaming is more like it.
Maybe I should fuck, Ty, you know? Might as well, right? Can't
hurt.

“
Are
you feeling any better?” Noah asks, coming out the door with a
cup of clear soda in one hand and a straw in the other. He tries to
pass these to me, and I stare at him like he's a crazy person. If I
was pregnant with his baby, things might be different. Noah has
money and family ties and he's the perfect sort of dude for something
as strange and foreign as fatherhood. I glance at Ty and watch him
blow puffs of smoke into the air.
Shit.

“
Thanks,”
I say, but I don't take the items. I still feel like shit. Can
morning sickness hit this quick? I pull out my phone and text Lacy
again. There's already a poorly written text waiting for me.

K
nev internet says stress could cause late perid.
I stare at her
misspelled word and suddenly want to choke the life out of someone.
Could be her, could be someone else. Preferably, it's me. I'm the
dumb ass here. Me
and
Ty.

And?
I type.
Anything else?

Could
also be preggers tho.
Wow. How helpful is that?
so glad to
be a dyke 2day.

More
info would be nice, Lacey. I am freaking the fuck out over here, and
I can't get online without getting nagged and bombarded. Hurry,
please.

“
Girl
talk?” Ty asks with his head tilted to the side. “Or can
I be creepy and read it all?” I roll my eyes and ignore him.
Noah, in an effort not to look awkward with the soda and straw,
sticks the striped thing in the cup and drinks it.

morning
scknss can strt as early as 2 wks but usually not. go get a test frm
the stre. luv u grl and cant wait to c u. miss you.

I
sigh and turn off my phone. She's kind of sweet but also kind of
dumb. I slip my phone back in my pocket and start a fresh cig. I'm
going to need a whole truckload of them to survive until I find out.