Finding My Way Home (15 page)

             
“Oh boy I think I just threw up in my mouth,” I whispered. Just as he was about to pull me in for a hug, or at least that’s what I thought he was about to do, Noah came back with James and pulled me back slowly.   

             
“Everything ok here babe?”

             
“Yes honey, Hank here was just saying hello,” I replied sweetly and pressed my back against Noah’s body.  His arm circled my waist and drew me closer, making me shiver with delight.  I was grateful that no one was able to see the goose bumps that were now covering every inch of my body.  “Hank this is Noah, my-”

             
“Her fiancé,” Noah answered for me and shook Hank’s hand.  I looked at Gigi who was about to burst into laughter at the exchange. With my eyes, I dared her to keep it together at least until Hank and his buddy left.  This was the exact reason why I didn’t want to come tonight but it was too late now to dwell on it. 

             
“Well I’ll be damn Bren girl.  I didn’t hear you were getting hitched.  Well congratulations to you both.  Hope to see you around,” he said and winked at me making my stomach turn in disgust.  I couldn’t believe this was the same exact guy I knew back in school.  We watched them walk away and blend into the crowd and I started pulling myself from Noah’s embrace but he only pulled me back. 

             
“Ok love birds,” Gigi giggled and grabbed James’ hand, “I’m going to take this little guy over to my mom’s. Bren I’ll come over later so we can watch a movie or something.  That is, unless your fiancée has other plans for you.”  Before I could say anything she blew us a few kisses, turned around and disappeared in the mass of people. 

             
“I can’t believe you said that.  You know she’s going to taunt me about this for the rest of my life.”

             
“No she’s not.  Ready for more fun?” His smile was genuine, and sexy and just out of this world.  Top that with the deep dimple on his left cheek and I was a goner. “Come on, I want to show you something.”  He took hold of my hand and together we made our way to the parking lot.  It took a while to find his truck in the overcrowded space but I didn’t mind the walk.  There was a faint breeze in the air and it felt amazing against my flushed skin.  We reached his truck, he helped me get in and then he walked around to the driver side.  We didn’t speak but there was no need for conversation, both of us feeling comfortable with the silence, simply enjoying the drive. 

             
I’m not sure how long the ride was but he finally stopped on top of a hill overlooking the fairgrounds below.  We got out of the truck and he placed a blanket on top of the hood then helped me get up on it.  As I lay down I couldn’t help but gasp when I glanced up at the sky; everywhere you looked there were so many stars, one next to the other like a blanket of little twinkly white lights.

             
“So beautiful,” I whispered.

             
“Yes,” he answered and from his expression I knew he was not talking about the stars. 

We sat there, on top of his truck, listening to the faint noise from the fair, while I tried to figure out a way to ask him about his mom.  I was curious to know, well pretty much everything.

“Noah?”

“Hmm?”

“Does it get easier?”

“Does what get easier?” he asked and turned around so he could face me.

“The pain, the guilt, everything.”
I twisted slowly and watched him in the pale light. 

“No Bren, it doesn’t.” He took a deep breath then continued. “It just becomes part of you, stored somewhere in the back of your mind and you learn to move on with your life.”

“How did you deal with-” I couldn’t even utter the words.

“Lots of drinking.”
Noah laughed but I knew he was only using the laughter to hide his emotions. “I did some things I’m not proud of.  I was angry at the world, at God, but then the feelings somehow changed as the time went on.  I’m sure it’s different for everyone but for me these feelings changed from anger to guilt to depression to finally acceptance.”

I swallowed
the sob pressing against my chest as I listened to his voice.  I had the same emotions but somehow I was stuck somewhere between anger and guilt. 

“Bren, I know how you feel and you need to let go of the guilt.  Your grandparents loved you so much and they understood your reasons for staying away.  Sonia would not want you to dwell on the past.  She would want you to be happy.  You deserve to be happy.”

I turned my face away from him and once again looked up at the sky.  Everything he was saying made total sense, yet my heart hurt every time I thought of all the things I’d missed, all the things I could’ve done differently.

“There are days when I wonder if there was something I could’ve done differently, things I could’ve said to her to keep her safe.  In the end, no matter how much I beat myself up, I can’t change the past.  But I can try to live my life in a way that I know would make her proud.”

He laced his fingers with mine and I suddenly felt like all the air left my body.  I tried to pull away but he only drew me closer.  He turned towards me, his face mere inches away from mine. He leaned in, moving slower until his lips touched mine.  The kiss was everything I expected, urgent and hungry, yet soft and sensual.  I could almost drown in that kiss… almost.

“Noah, please; we need to stop.” I pushed him
slightly and thankfully this time he didn’t try to stop me. 

“Babe, what’s wrong?” he asked, his voice shaky and out of breath.

“I can’t do this.  I am not ready for whatever this is.”  I jumped off the truck to put some much needed space between us.  “I went from being someone’s daughter and granddaughter, to being someone’s girlfriend.  This is the first time it’s just me. I need to be just me for once and figure out what I want.”

“I understand.  Just remember me when you’re ready to move on.” His smile lit up his face and just like that we were back to being old friends, no awkwardness between us. 

“You know I will.  Now will you please take me home?  I have a date with Gigi.”

“Lucky her.”
He jumped off the hood and after folding the blanket; he got behind the wheel and drove us home.

The entire drive I kept thinking about what he said, about moving on, new beginnings, and him waiting for me.  Just knowing that I could always depend on Noah was enough to make the light at the end of the tunnel brighter.  We made it home just as
Gigi was getting out of her car.  She smiled gaily at me but stayed by her car and waited for Noah to say good night.  He opened the door for me and moved closer until his lips were just a breath away from my ear.
              “Have fun princess.  I’ll see you soon.”  He pressed his lips to my temple then waved at Gigi and walked away.  I was afraid to move because my knees were still shaking from his touch.  Damn him and his charm. 

“Need a hand?”
Gigi asked once Noah was out of sight.  “Come on love bird, let’s get you inside and feed you before you pass out on me.”  I couldn’t help but laugh when she dropped my left arm around her neck then circled my waist and almost dragged me towards the house. 

We settled in the living room and while I was getting the table ready for our dinner,
Gigi started pulling out several DVDs from her oversized bag.

“Ok darling. We have the totally eighties collection, The Breakfast Club, Sixteen Candles and Pretty in Pink.  Or we can go with the Twilight Saga.  What does your heart desire?”

“Hmm, let’s see.  Eighties romance or sparkly vampires?  Tough choice but I’ll have to go with the eighties flicks.”

“Did you just say no to Edward? I can’t believe you just did that.  No one says no to Edward,” she joked, a hand over her heart and a very hurt look on her face.  She popped the Breakfast Club into the DVD player then settled down on the floor, her back against the sofa.   She eyed me for a moment and somehow I knew that
we were not going to pay much attention to the movie, but talk about Noah.

“
Soooooo, how was it?”

“What?
The fair?” I asked and nonchalantly took a bite of my pizza.

“Don’t play dumb with me missy.  I saw the way he was looking at you the entire day.”

“What way?” She raised one brow waiting for me to continue. “Oh fine.  It was amazing.  He took me to this spot on the hill and we talked.”

“You talked?
Seriously? You’re both single and hot and alone in the dark, and you’re telling me that all you did was talk?”

“Well actually I didn’t say that.  That’s what you said.”

“I knew it.  You guys are so hooking up.”

“Slow down there Cupid.  There is no hooking up.  I can’t be with him
Gigi.  With him or anyone else.  But the man can kiss, that’s for sure.  I don’t think I’ve ever felt that way from just a kiss.”  Tiny goose bumps covered my arms as I relived the moment when his lips touched mine.  I pushed the memory aside and picked up my plate once again.

“Babe, you have no reason not to be together.  He is obviously still in love with you after all these years.  He’s not like Joe; he would never hurt you.”

Maybe not but what if I ended up hurting him? I had so much baggage to still sort through. 

“Hey let’s just enjoy ou
r movie night and not talk about men.” She shook her head but didn’t press me on. 

We fell asleep by the third movie, just as the sun was making its way up.  We would’ve spent the entire day sleeping if not for the doorbell that kept ringing.  
Gigi was the first to get up and walk to the door.  Seconds later she returned, a startling look plastered on her pretty face. 

“Bren, I think I just met a younger version of you.”

“What are you talking about?” She moved to the side to reveal a young girl that could’ve easily passed for my twin.  Behind her, a guy with similar features was waiting, hands in his pockets, visibly uncomfortable.

“Oh my God,” I said, my voice so faint I didn’t think anyone actually heard me.

“Hi,” the girl spoke finally.  “I’m Adele and this is my brother, Brian.  Well our brother.”

“Oh my God, oh my God,” I chanted as my entire
body shook uncontrollably.

“Hi guys.  I’m
Gigi, Brenda’s friend.  Why don’t you come on in.”

The two siblings moved as one and took a seat on the sofa.  I still couldn’t find my voice as I glanced in their direction.

“Will you excuse us for a second?” Gigi asked them but instead of waiting for an answer she helped me get up from the floor and together we walked towards my room.  The entire time her hand massaged my back in soothing circles.

“It’s ok.  Just breathe Bren.  It’s going to be ok.”

How could it be ok?  What were they doing here?  I wasn’t ready for siblings and their estranged father. Not this way, not in my house.

“Why don’t you go take a nice shower and I’ll ask them to come back later?”

“Yeah, that sounds good.” 

Minutes later the house was empty again and I was saying goodbye to
Gigi. 

“You sure you don’t want me to stay?  I could ask my mom to watch James for a few more hours.”

“No, I’m good.  Thank you for everything.”

“No worries.  I left their hotel number on the coffee table.  They are going to be in town for two more days so try to give them a call Bren.  They came a long way just so they could meet you.”

“I’ll think about it.  Give James a big hug and kiss for me.”  We hugged one last time then I watched her drive away.

I rushed back into the house and the minute the door closed I yelled as loud as I could.

“NANA!”

At first she didn’t answer but I could feel her all around me. 

              “Where are you?  Oh my God nana what am I going to do?” I kept passing back and forth in the narrow hallway by the door. 

             
“Hush now before you wake up the entire neighborhood.”

             
Unbelievable.  She was worried about the neighbors in a time like this?

             
“Nana this is your mess that you got me into.  How do I fix it?”

             
The light in the room got brighter by the minute, following me as I moved towards the bedroom.  I sat on the bed waiting for her answer.

             
“It was wrong for me to keep this secret for so long, baby girl.  At first it was because of your dad’s wishes.  But later it became a selfish and personal reason.  I was afraid he was going to take you away from us.”  Her voice was faint and shaky and I realized that even now, this mess was still hurting her. 

             
“It’s ok.  Just tell me what to do.  I wanted to wait a while before facing Max but it looks like they beat me to it.” I placed my head in her lap and I could feel her fingers in my hair, like a cold breeze on a summer day.

             
“You need each other baby girl.  No matter what, they are your family.  Nothing is more important than that.  You must give them a chance.  Just go to them.  You’ll know what to do.  Trust me…. Trust me…. Trust me…..”

             
She was gone.  She was gone but so was the feeling of despair, the wondering, and the fear.  I took a quick shower then made the most important phone call in my life.  The conversation was brief and we were meeting for dinner in less than a few hours.  I took extra care in picking my outfit: black slacks and a pale purple silk top.  I wanted to look like I had my life together, like I was in control.  The girl looking back at me in the mirror was the epitome of confidence.

             
I drove to the hotel alone wishing Gigi were with me.  I knew I had to do this on my own but that didn’t change the fact that I was exceedingly nervous.  As I entered the lobby, both Adele and Brian stood from their chairs to come greet me.  They looked as nervous and uncertain as I did.

             
“Hi. I’m Brenda.” The moment the words escaped my lips I realized just how silly that introduction sounded.  Of course they knew who I was. 

             
“Hi.  I can’t tell you how long I’ve waited to meet you,” she said and pulled me in for a hug.  Brian followed, and here we were in the middle of the lobby, the three of us in a group hug. 

             
“Shall we go to dinner?” Brian asked when we finally pulled apart.

             
“Yes.  Dinner sounds great actually.”  The restaurant inside the hotel was very quaint and the small room was almost empty, aside from two other families eating already. We placed our orders and there were a few awkward silent moments as we all tried to figure out what to say next.  There were so many questions yet I didn’t know what was appropriate to ask on our first meeting.  Do I ask about their father?  Do I refer to him as my father?  Would they get offended if I didn’t?  I mean, he was a stranger to me and no amount of DNA was going to change the fact that my one and only father was the one that raised me.  The one I lost years ago.  The only one that I truly loved.

             
“You’re probably wondering what we’re doing here.” I looked up at Brian as he spoke and tried to smile.  If they were trying, then so could I.

             
“A little, yes.  I was still thinking up a plan on how to contact Max.”

             
Adele looked at her brother as I mentioned Max’s name then she turned towards me, taking hold of my hand.  “I can tell you were shocked when you first saw us but dad’s been looking for you for years.  You’re going to laugh but I actually went to Boston not too long ago because I wanted to meet you so badly.  We almost ran into each other,” she laughed, “but I chickened out the last minute and ran the other way like a crazy person.”

             
“We’re here actually because of dad. His birthday is next month and there’s nothing he wants more than to meet you.”

             
“My birthday is next month too,” I said more for myself. “The fifteenth.”

             
“Yes, we know.  You guys share the same birthday.”  What are the odds, right?  I mean, everything so far has been nothing but crazy so finding out that he had the same birthday shouldn’t surprise me.  If I thought about it for too long I was going to burst out laughing so instead I turned my attention back to the two siblings.

             
“Brenda,” Adele spoke again, “I understand you just found out about us but we grew up talking about you and dreaming of this day.  It would be the ultimate gift if you would come out for a visit.  Dad would love that.”

             
The waiter brought our food giving me an excuse not to answer.  We started eating while they told stories about their childhood, about their parents.  I wanted the evening to end because it was all becoming too much to handle but they seemed happy to have me there, even if I didn’t contribute much to the conversation. Adele ordered dessert and Brian and I coffee.  Every now and then I would glance at the large wall clock counting the minutes I would finally make my exit. 

             
“Look guys, I really appreciate what you are trying to do.  The thing is I had this whole plan into place.  When and how I was going to contact Max and honestly, I’m not ready.  So much has happened to me since my grandmother died and when you add finding out that you have another family out there somewhere, it does become quite overwhelming, don’t you think? I wish I could tell you right now that I’ll be visiting next month but I would be lying to you both. I can however tell you that I’m glad I got to meet you and I will do my best to contact Max.  That’s all I can give you for now.”

             
Adele gave me a small smile. “I understand and that’s more than we could have hoped for.  Just know that even though we never met, we always loved you and always thought of you as family.”

             
Adele’s gentle words touched me to the core.  She was so genuine and so amazingly comforting that you instantly felt connected to her.  Brian paid for our dinner and then they both walked me to my car.

             
“We’re leaving tomorrow afternoon so maybe we can meet for lunch?”

             
“Sure.  I’ll give you guys a call.”  I hugged them both then got into my car and drove away.  Without thinking, I reached for my phone and called Gigi. 

             
“Hey there.  Everything ok?” she asked.

             
“Can’t talk for long but can you tell me if Noah’s still at work?  And if he is, I need to know what time he closes and how do I get there?”

             
Twenty minutes later I was parked in front of a very undescriptive building. Trying not to over think my decision, I walked up and opened the heavy door. The overhead bell rang, to announce my presence.  The inside was just like I imagined; walls covered in drawings, heavy binders set on a large square table, a red sofa in one corner and what looked like a receptionist’s area in the other. 

             
“I’ll be right with you,” Noah yelled from the back.  I held onto my handbag for dear life looking around me, afraid to touch anything. I don’t think I’ve ever felt as out of place as I did at that moment.  Noah’s face came into focus as he turned around the corner.

             
“Hey Princess, what are you doing here?” His smiling face was strikingly beautiful in the soft light. I wanted to reach out to touch him but held my bag tighter instead.

             
“I am here on business.  I want to get a tattoo and I want you to be the one to do it.”  He laughed wholeheartedly at my outburst, as if I had made a joke.  “I’m serious.  If you don’t want to do it I guess I can take my business somewhere else.”

             
“You’re serious?  Come on Bren.  This is something permanent.  Did something happen to make you decide on this?”

             
“For your information I’ve been wanting one for a long time.  Are you going to do it or not?”  He watched me closely, rubbing his palm over the back of his head as he was trying to decide if I had lost my mind.  He moved past me and locked the door and I knew that I had his full attention.

             
“Ok Bren.  I’ll go along with this.  What did you have in mind?”

             
“I want Psalm 23:4 under my heart.  The exact words.”  I took a piece of paper from the receptionist desk and wrote down the words for him:
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me
.

             
“Are you sure about this?”

             
“Yes, I’m sure.”

             
Together we made our way toward the back where several cubicle-style areas were set up with long tables.  I watched him with curious eyes as he set up the area. I’ve never seen him looking so focused and I could tell he took pride in what he was doing. 

             
“Ok, I’ll need you to take off your shirt and lay on your side.  I’ll tell you right now, this is going to hurt like crazy. So I’ll ask you again, are you sure about this?”

             
I was no chicken.  I could do this, or at least that’s what I thought until he drew the first letter.  Saying it hurt like crazy didn’t even come close to describing what it felt like.  It felt like thousands of needles were poking me from every angle and by the fifth word I was ready to throw in the towel. 

             
“I told you but you didn’t listen,” Noah laughed.  “You can’t stop now.  And here I was going to suggest we add an angle or something with color.”

             
“Oh shush and finish this already before I pass out.”  It didn’t take a long time to be done but for me it felt like an eternity.  One thing was for sure: there were no more tattoos in my future.  At least not for a long, long, time. Everything was hurting. As I went to look in the full length mirror, my heart skipped a beat.  The font he had used made the words look even more beautiful than I expected.  Tiny tear drops gathered in the corner of my eyes and I blinked them away.  The crying days were over now.  It was time for new beginnings and happy times.

             
“Wow Noah.  I love it.”

             
“Was it worth the pain?” he asked as he walked up to me.  I watched him in the mirror but he didn’t notice.  His eyes were leaving hot trails over every inch of my body, making me feels things I haven’t felt before. 

             
“Yes it was,” I said finally. His hand traced the tender spot just below the tattoo making me quiver with need. “So how much do I owe you?”

             
“This one is on the house.  Let me cover this up and I can go over what you need to do to keep this clean.”

             
“Come on, that’s not fair.  I am a customer so I should pay.”

             
“Babe you’re so much more than a customer.  Come, it’s late and I want to go home.”

             
That night I tried my best not to turn in my sleep from fear that I’m going to mess up the tattoo.  I couldn’t believe that I actually did it.  I had wanted one for the longest time but somehow it was never the right time. I was truly starting to turn over a new leaf.

             
The next day I woke up early and called Gigi to tell her all about last night’s dinner.  She almost squealed when she found out I was meeting Adele and Brian for lunch and before I could object she invited herself to tag along.  Maybe it was better to have someone with me.

             
She picked me up and offered to drive us to the restaurant. 

             
“So I got a tattoo last night,” I said nonchalantly.

             
“Say what? Tell me you’re kidding,” she laughed but her foot slammed on the brake as I started lifting up my t-shirt. “Oh my Lord, what have you done with my friend?”

             
“Oh come on drive.”

             
“You’re lucky I am dying to see that gorgeous brother of yours or I would turn around right now.  A tattoo Bren?  Never did I think I would live the day when miss perfect here would do such a crazy thing.”

             
For the rest of the drive she continued to taunt me about the tattoo as if I had done something unheard of.  She was one silly specimen but I loved her too much to be mad.  The restaurant Adele picked out was one of the best in town and I was actually looking forward to eating there.  Gigi parked right next to their rental and after she checked herself in the mirror one last time we walked in together to meet my siblings.  They were already seated and they both smiled the moment they saw us.  Brian especially when his eyes locked in with Gigi’s.