Finding My Way Home (13 page)

             
“Because he wasn’t going to let it go.  Max has been trying to find you for a long time.”

             
The hardest part was that no matter how screwed up the whole thing was, I couldn’t be mad at any of them.   They were all gone and now the only one left was this stranger who apparently wanted to be part of my life.  I didn’t really remember my mom but my dad’s memory was still fresh in my mind even after all these years. Even thinking about meeting Max felt like I was betraying his memory.

That night my dreams were a multitude of bits and pieces of my childhood.  Good memories that nothing,
or no one could ever take away.  I had to remember them and use them to mend my broken spirit. 

Today was a good day to start fresh so after I changed in
to shorts and a plain t-shirt, I pulled my hair up and started cleaning. I dug old clothes out of the closets and set them up in a pile to donate.  Then I made the beds with fresh clean sheets in all three bedrooms, and once I was sure there was not one speck of dust left, I moved to the living room.

As the hours passed by I started to forget all about the misfortunes in my life and before long I was singing along to the radio.  The doorbell startled me and I froze in the middle of the room, duster in one hand,
my fast beating heart covered by the other.  I tiptoed to the door praying the old floors would not squeak under my feet. 

“I know you’re in there,” Noah said and there was laughter in his voice.  “Open the door Bren.”

Darn it
, I thought. I have managed to avoid him the entire time I’ve been back but today I would not be able to.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the hallway mirror and stopped dead in my tracks.   I looked like hell.  My skin was sweaty and flushed from all the cleaning and dancing around, my shirt had some mysterious stains all over, and my hair was a mess.  There was no way I was going to let him see me looking like this. 

“Go away Noah; it’s not a good time right now,” I yelled while trying to fix my disheveled appearance.

“Stop being so stubborn and open up; I know you’re alone in there.  The only visitor you’ve had was probably Sonia.”

Oh My God.  Was he for real?  One thing was for sure: he wasn’t leaving any time soon.  “Do you have my house under surveillance or something?” I asked as I pulled the door open.  And there he stood looking like he just got out of the shower, fresh and sexy, holding a large box of pizza and a six pack of Coke.  “You know,” I continued, “I could have a man in here
.”  He simply ignored my comment and walked past me. 

“Sure you could.  But then again, I would tell you he’s not worth your time and you should dump him.  I mean he obviously did not have enough brains to at least feed you.  Good God Brenda, when was the last time you ate?”

I turned to close the door, but what I actually wanted to do was to hide from his gaze.  When I finally turned around he was still watching me.  I was starting to feel uncomfortable and without realizing it, I started fidgeting with the hem of my shirt.  I wouldn’t meet his eyes, couldn’t, for fear he would recognize all the hurt and pain I had bottled inside. 

“Never mind.”
When he spoke again his voice was soft and filled with concern.  As he moved towards the kitchen, I followed like a sick puppy whose owner had just returned from a long trip.  I sat down as if in a trance and watched him pile a few slices on a plate then place them in front of me.  He then opened a soda and emptied it in a tall glass.  Once he was satisfied that I was fully taken care of, he sat across from me and took a slice of pizza for himself. 

I didn’t feel like eating but my stomach had a mind of its own and silently thank
ed me after a few bites.  I pretended to be preoccupied with the food but watched Noah from behind my lowered lashes.  He looked so comfortable in my kitchen and his entire presence exuded confidence.  No frills, no drama, no acting; just plain take-me-as-I-am attitude that made him even more attractive.  If that was not enough, his kind heart was sure to get you to fall for him.  Everything about him pulled me in. 

He cleared his throat and I knew I
was caught starring.  I could’ve played dumb but what was the point.  I just shrugged and gave him one of my most innocent smiles.  He shook his head and laughed but didn’t question me any further. 

I
ate to the point of passing out; the elastic of my pants was cutting my circulation.  The conversation around the table was light and fun, remembering the good old times.  Not once did Noah ask me about Boston but I knew it was going to come up sometime soon.  For now, I was just happy to be home.  We cleared the table and he took out the trash; a simple gesture but one that didn’t go unnoticed.  Joe had never been the kind to help around the house.  Before I moved in, he used to have someone come in once a week and do the cleaning. The thought of having some stranger clean up after me just wasn’t my thing.  Still, I would’ve loved to have his help every now and then. 

I pushed
away his memory and followed Noah outside.  It was getting dark and the evening was chilly.  I turned the porch light on and wrapped my arms around myself trying to keep warm. 

“Why don’t you put on something warm and I’ll make us some coffee.” 

Did I want to sit outside in the dark with Noah close to me?  You bet your bonbons I did.  We agreed to meet back in ten minutes and I rushed inside to change.  I brushed my teeth, fixed my hair, grabbed a clean shirt and then remembered to put some deodorant on.  By the time I went out again, Noah was waiting for me with two steamy mugs.  We sat next to each other on the old porch swing, looking at the stars and drinking the hot sweet coffee. Our street was always quiet in the evening and tonight was no exception. 

“Can I ask you something?”  Noah turned to face me and I could tell I wasn’t going to like what he had to say.  He didn’t wait for my answer.  “What is your plan now that you’re back?”

“What makes you think there is one?” I asked in return.

“Well because I know you.  You always have to have a plan.” 

He was right but then again, that was the old me.  “Nope, no plan this time.  I am just taking it one day at a time.” 

“One more question,” he spoke again.  “Did you finally read the letters?” 

This time I took a moment to think what the best way to answer his question was.  “Bren you don’t have to answer, I’m just curious.”

“No it’s ok; I’m surprised
you waited this long to ask.”

“I figured you would tell me when you were ready.” He pulled me closer to his side rubbing my arm to keep me warm.  I didn’t want to ruin our evening with talk about the letters.    “And if you’re never ready,” he continued, “that’s ok too.  I’m just happy you’re here.” 

His comment made me wonder if maybe he was looking for more than just friendship.  I wasn’t ready to move on yet and didn’t want to give him the wrong impression.  With that in mind, I started pulling away. 

“Noah, I-”

“Hey, just relax.  My God, it’s not like I asked you to marry me.  You don’t need to over think this and get all freaked out. Friends, ok?”

I allowed myself to breathe again and smiled nervously.  “
Yeah, ok.  Friends. ”

“So tell me about the letters.”

My shoulders relaxed automatically and I pressed my back against Noah. How could I explain the letters?  Was there a right and wrong way to go about it? The truth was I didn’t even know what to make of them. 

“Well, I read them.  They were all pretty short and to the point.  It turns out I have another dad.”  I looked up to see Noah’s expression.  He didn’t disappoint.  His eyes grew
wide with surprise and he just stood there with his mouth half open as if he was about to speak but couldn’t find his voice.  “I know, shocking, right?”  I said and gave a half laugh trying to lighten up the mood.

“Shocking doesn’t really cover it.  What do you mean you have another dad?  As in…”

“Hmm, as in my mom did the deed with another man and oops there I was nine months later.  Another dad.  His name is Max and from the looks of it, he’s been trying to get to know me ever since my other dad passed away.”

“Wow, that’s crazy.  What’s even crazier is that I think I met this Max dude two years ago.  I hadn’t been here for that long and I was helping your grandpa fix the roof.  This suit guy came over and he was arguing about something with Sonia.   Can’t tell you what they were talking about, but I do remember that his name was Max because your grandma kept telling him to leave.” 

I wish
ed that I could say I was surprised but I wasn’t.  From his letters I knew how much he wanted to meet me.  What I couldn’t understand was why nana waited this long to tell me.  I didn’t tell Noah whether or not I had any plans to meet this Max guy; the truth was that I didn’t know if I wanted to meet him.  I wasn’t ready.  All I wanted to do was go on with my life and make something of it.  

I was cold and getting late
so we said goodnight and parted ways.  I knew Noah would wait for me to get in and lock the door before he’d walk away.  For as long as I could remember he always made sure I was ok, even when we were kids.  I guess some things never change.  I took a speedy shower, changed into warm pajamas, and walked to my room.  My nana was sitting in the chair by the window, a beautiful gold shadow, her hands folded in her lap.  Seeing her like that didn’t scare me anymore; I was actually looking forward to having her close to me again.

“Oh nana, I had such a wonderful evening,” I whispered and got under the blanket to warm up.  She appeared at the edge of the bed and started playing with my hair.  I can’t explain
what her touch felt like, but I could feel it none the less. “Nana, what am I going to do with my life? Do you think I should meet Max?”

The glow changed from gold to a light shade of silver and started fading slowly until she was gone. Why did she let me see the letters if I couldn’t talk about them with
her?  Who else was I going to be able to ask about this?  I fell asleep thinking about Max and his family, wondering if I’d ever have enough courage to contact him. 

As I tried to move on with my life I realize
d that no matter how many plans you have, in the end there’s a higher power out there that knows what’s best for you. Even if you don’t agree with His plan.  The days turned into weeks and before I knew it, a whole month had gone by and I still couldn’t decide what my next move should be.  I was getting impatient and yet didn’t seem to be able to do anything about it. 

I was still pondering about the future when
Gigi called me one Friday afternoon.  I hadn’t seen her in a while and hearing her voice instantly put a smile on my face.  There was something about her that simply radiated happiness and it was contagious.  I needed some of that happiness badly, especially today.  I could hear her son’s voice in the background and felt a sudden pang in my heart.  I never gave much thought about having kids of my own but maybe that clock that I heard so many women talk about was now ticking louder than before.  I knew for a fact that I wanted a child, someone to love unconditionally and who would love me back just the same.

“I won’t take no for an answer and that’s that,”
Gigi said, bringing me back to present day.  “So what do you say, will you please come with us?”

“What are you talking about?” 

“Oh my God don’t tell me you haven’t heard a word I said.  Girl sometimes I wonder about you.  I’m talking about the parade.  It will be fun, you’ll see.   Besides it’s not like you have any other plans.” 

I thought for a second and she was right.  I had nothing better to do than stay home and
wallow in my sorrows.  And I was getting tired of doing that.  Growing up we used to go to the parade every year and it was always fun. Before I could change my mind I heard myself agreeing with Gigi.  At least I had a couple of weeks to prepare myself mentally for it.

“So listen, how about we meet for lunch?  My treat.  I want to talk to you about something and I don’t want to do it over the phone.”

Twenty minutes later we were sitting outside on the patio at Pete’s Burgers waiting for our order.  James was playing with his Nintendo, too busy to pay any attention to our conversation.  He had to be the most well behaved child I’
d ever encountered and my heart skipped a beat from all the longing.  Just watching him made me realize what Gigi meant when she had said that he was her life. 

“
Gigi, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.  Remember when you said your grandpa used to come and talk to you?”

“Yeah, he did for a very long time.  Why?  Is Sonia still visiting?”

I thought for a moment before deciding if talking about my nana’s visits with other people was the right thing to do.  “Yes she is but not so much lately.  Honestly, I miss her so much.” 

“My grandpa once said that he
would not be able to come back after I’d healed.  I didn’t get it at first but now when I think about it, after I started putting my life back together I no longer had time to dwell on the past’s mistakes.  He was there for me when I was hurting.  I still feel like he’s watching me sometimes but even if I call his name, he no longer answers.”

The food arrived and while we ate
, I told Gigi everything about the famous letters.  I could tell she was shocked but as always too nice to say anything.  She just listened and every now and then she would nod as if telling me she understood.  Did she?  Would I be able to understand this if it were to happen to someone else?  Would I be able to give advice? 

“
Gigi, what would you do if you were me?”

“Bren I think deep inside, you know the answer to that question.  But I don’t think you’re ready to face all that, especially not on your own.  The way I see it, this is a blessing.  There are many kids out there that don’t even have one parent.”  She glanced at her beautiful son and I felt like such an idiot for not realizing that
talking about my dad would hit pretty close to home.