Finding My Way (43 page)

“Good
Afternoon G & C Printing, Emma speaking.”

“Emma, it’s Tom here
from O’Callaghan & Fitzgerald.”

“Hello Tom.  How
are you?”

“Disappointed
actually.”

“Oh?”  I sent
him the contracts for his account last week and I have sent two follow up
emails, I have been waiting on his response. 
Don’t tell me I’ve
stuffed up my first ever account!

“Yes, I thought I
would have got a call from you by now.”

“Sorry, was I meant
to call?  Did you not get my emails?”

“Oh yes I got
those.  I emailed the contract back to you about ten minutes ago.” 
Well
then, he hasn’t even given me a chance to call him back.  Why is he being
so pushy all of a sudden? 
I quickly open my email account to find his
response.  “I wasn’t expecting a call in regards to anything work
related.  I was kind of hoping that I might hear from you about catching
up for dinner.”

“Oh.”

“But by the sound of
that ‘oh’ I’m guessing I will be remaining disappointed?”  He chuckles
albeit a little apprehensively.  I think of Seth and say the first thing
that comes to mind.

“I’m
kinda
seeing someone.”

“
Kinda
or actually?”

“It’s new.”  I
shrug even though he can’t see me.  I cannot think of a better
explanation.

“I see.  Well
never mind, it was worth a shot.  Do
me
a
favour?”

“What’s that?”

“If things don’t work
out, give me a call, okay?”

“Okay.”

“Well I will leave
that with you.  Have a good day.”

Then he promptly
hangs up before I can say another word.  My heart is thumping hard in my
chest.  Wow.  My luck sure is changing.  All these options all
of a sudden…

The realisation hits
me that I just turned him down because of Seth.  I guess that is my answer
– I am seeing Seth.  Maybe I shouldn’t be so harsh on him, he’s been
nothing but patient and nice to me and me pulling my hand away from him earlier
obviously hurt his feelings.  Maybe I should ask him over for dinner again
like last Monday?

I can’t help but feel
annoyed that Emma still won’t acknowledge, whatever it is that’s going on
between us, while we are at work.  I’m starting to feel like nothing is
going to come of it and I can’t keep pushing her because I will only end up
pushing her away.  We were having a great lunch and then she just turns
cold on me again.  When it comes to home time, I figure if she can be so
casual and nonchalant then so can I.

“Good night Emma.
 I’ll see you tomorrow,” I call out to her as I pass the reception desk on
my way to the elevator.  She’s on the phone so the only response I get is
a look of confusion, or hurt maybe, I’m not sure.  When I enter the
elevator I notice her watching me and I do everything I can to avoid her eye
contact.  She gives me a small wave just as the doors close.

When I get home from
work I quickly get changed and head out for a bike ride.  I’m feeling like
a shit for walking out like that.  This girl is driving me crazy.
 I’m not acting like myself at all.  I hope the bike ride will help
to clear my head.

Ever since the text
from
Em
, I have had a real hard time getting her off
my mind.  Unfortunately, she was running late both Monday and Tuesday
mornings and all she had time for was a quick greeting and a wave.  I
can’t help but wonder if she’s embarrassed about the photo that she sent me in
error and so she is trying to avoid me.  Today however she is patiently
waiting for me to serve customers as she waits in line at the booth.  The
expression on her face is unreadable but I occasionally catch her eye and her
cheeks flush as she tries to fight back a smile while I continue to serve
customers.

“Good morning Nick,”
she smiles sweetly at me when she is finally at the head of the queue.

“
Em
, good to see you my
friend
.
  What can
I get you this fine Wednesday?”

“Oh I… just
this.”
 
She randomly selects a small bag
of jellybeans and holds them up for me.  “How much?” she asks when I
don’t say anything.

“Oh
um, on the house.
  Though you don’t really need them…”

“Is that so?” 
She raises her eyebrow at me with a slightly unamused expression.

“You’re already sweet
enough.”  I wink at her.  “Thanks for the picture on the
weekend.  It’s my new wallpaper on my phone.”  She gasps and
nervously smiles back. 
I wonder if she even realises that she sent me
the two pictures? 
She moves aside so that I can serve the next
customer.

“Thanks for
these.”  She waves with her hand that is holding the jellybeans as she
turns towards the train that is just pulling in.

“Bye
Em
,” I call out, wishing I wasn’t watching her walk away.

Seth has been evasive
all week.  Other than lunch on Monday, he has only been polite and
distant, acting as if we never even dated at all.  So many times, I wanted
to ask him over for dinner again or lunch, but every time we were even in the
same vicinity at work he found an excuse to go back to his desk, or to talk to
somebody else.  He’s avoiding me and it makes me realise that dating in
the workplace is probably just a bad idea.  Though I can’t help thinking
that if I hadn’t pushed him away none of this would be happening.  I keep
remembering the connection that I thought we had, the feel of his lips on mine,
and I just have no idea how to fix it when I can’t seem to get him alone for
even a few minutes.

He casually walks out
to the elevator with Pete at the end of the day and again gives me nothing but
another courteous goodbye.  It pisses me off.  No, it more than
pisses me off.  So I didn’t want to hold his hand at work, that didn’t
mean I wanted to stop everything.  I’m about to run after him when Julia
calls me into her office.

I know it’s stupid
and childish but I can’t help how crazy Emma makes me.  I did all the
pursuing and she only pushed me away.  I’m not one to play games usually
but if she wants me she knows how to find me.

“So you really are
stalking me now?”  I laugh as I almost collide with Nick as I exit the
train platform.

“Yep.”
 
He smiles brightly back, revealing those sexy dimples that make my heart
flutter.

“Seriously though,
what are you doing loitering around the train station?  Don’t you get
enough of the place when you’re working?”

“I’m waiting for
someone.”

“Oh.”  Of course
he is.  I can’t help but feel disappointed and maybe even jealous of
whomever it is he’s waiting for.

“Shall we?” he
asks, taking me by surprise as he puts his hand out for me to take.

“I thought you said
you were waiting for someone?”

“I was, but now she’s
here.”  He shakes his hand for emphasis.  “Let me walk you
home.”  I take his hand and hesitantly walk beside him.

“Were you really
waiting for me?”  I ask him sceptically after a few steps.

“Yes I was.”

“Why?”

“Why
not?”
  He smiles and actually looks a little shy.  I’ve never
seen Nick shy before.  He looks down at his feet as we continue to
walk.  “We’re friends,” he eventually says and then swallows
uncomfortably.

“Right,” I say with a
nod.  Again wishing we weren’t.  I’ve got to stop thinking this way.

We walk the rest of
the short walk in a comfortable silence and all too soon we stop at the front
of my place.

“Well thanks for
walking me home, I guess…” I say swinging his arm gently between us, he swings
mine back.  “Hey do you like stir fry?  I’m cooking chicken sweet and
sour, nothing flash, just sauce from a jar.  You could have dinner with me
if you like.  Or do you already have plans?”  He doesn’t answer
straight away, I let go of his hand and nervously tuck my hair behind my
ears.  I feel the need to clarify.  “Friends eat together right?”

“Sure.  That’d
be great.  Thanks
Em
,” he says with a smile
and a shrug before shoving his hands in his jeans pockets and following me up
the path.

I watch as
Em
works her way around the kitchen.  Leaning against
the countertop, I find it hard to keep my eyes off her.  She refuses my
help so watching her is all I
can
do.  We relax into an easy
conversation about unimportant things and I can see that being her friend is
something
that I can’t
not
be
.  Quick
greetings at the train station are not
enough,
I need
more of her in my life.

After fighting with
my Dad about getting a ‘real job’ yet again, this afternoon, I wandered the
streets aimlessly and ended up in front of
Em’s
apartment complex.  I knew she wasn’t home and so after hesitating for
just a moment I decided to meet her as she got off the train from work. 
Her wisecrack about me stalking her caught me by surprise, I like her sense of
humour, but she wasn’t that far from the truth.  I could easily become her
stalker, I think I’d follow her just about anywhere, which is seriously creepy
and I don’t understand what the fuck is going on with me.

Our friendship is
firmly becoming a reality and I have to constantly fight back thoughts of
something more with her, something physical.  I don’t do relationships and
she doesn’t see anything happening between us.  I really need to pull my
head in.

“Can I at least set
the table?”  I ask rounding the bench to her side of the kitchen.  I
don’t wait for her response and open the cupboard where I already know she
keeps all the plates and bowls.  I grab two bowls and then a couple of
forks out of the cutlery drawer.  Before I get to the dining, table she
stops me.

“Over here.” 
She motions with her head and I obediently stand beside her.  I can smell
her perfume and feel the warmth emanating from her body.  “A little
closer,” she says holding up some of our dinner in a large set of plastic
tongs and I focus realising that she is actually trying to dish up our food and
not get closer to me.  I hold one of the bowls closer to her and can’t
stop myself from leaning into her side.  I am constantly trying to find
ways to touch her.  With one bowl filled, I place it on the counter and
hold the other up, leaning closer still.  Her breath hitches a little and
I quickly dart my eyes in the direction of her face to catch the blush flooding
her cheeks.  I love that I have that effect on her.  Even if we can
only be friends now, it does make me dream that maybe someday…

I find it hard to
focus on what Nick is saying as I watch him pile up his bowl for the third
time.  He’s actually scraping the wok clean and I realise that it gives me
immense pleasure to be the one feeding him.  I’ve missed cooking for
someone else.  Not that I’m all that good at it or anything, but still
it’s nice to have the company and I’m glad he’s liking the food enough to go
back for more.

“What?  Did you
want some more?” he asks when he notices me staring at him.  He walks
back to the table.  “Here have some of this.”  He holds his bowl in
front of me, fork at the ready to pass some into my bowl.

“No thanks, I’m
full.”  I wave him off.  He shrugs and sits back down, then continues
to talk around mouthfuls of food.

“So anyway, that’s my
plan.”

“So your plan is to
have no plan?”  He’s been filling me in on the fact that he wants to
travel the world.  He’s saving to go to Europe as soon as he can. 
Starting in Greece where his family is from and where to after that he will
decide as needed.  “How long will you go for?”  I ask thinking that I
will miss him.  I barely know him and yet I know that I will miss him.

“No plan, remember?” he
says sarcastically with a wicked smile that again makes me blush. 
“So for as long as the journey takes me, or until the money runs
out.”
  He chuckles.  I watch as he takes another mouthful of
food.  I watch as he chews, and I watch as he swallows,
god he’s sexy
. 
“Have you ever wanted to travel?”

“Yeah,” I clear my
throat, “one day I will, I guess.  I’m just focusing on my career at the
moment.  I envy you though, being so brave as to just go somewhere
completely foreign on your own… I don’t think I could do that by myself.”

“I just want to get
lost… go somewhere different, experience new things, there has got to be more
to life than the tiny bubble we live in you know?”  I nod.  I do
know, sometimes I wonder about that myself, but I don’t think I could do what
he’s doing.  It is a romantic notion though to just let everything go and
throw caution to the wind.  “But for now I just have to keep saving.”

“How much money could
you possibly be saving while only working part time at the train
station?” 
Shit that sounded so snooty.
  “I’m curious; I mean
no offence, I just-”

“None
taken.”
  He winks at me again and so I believe him.  “It’s not
my only job and I plan on picking up work as I travel if needed.”

“You have another
job?”

“Well it’s more of a
hobby that pays at this stage… I’m a DJ.”  His eyes flicker over my face
as if he’s bracing himself for my reaction.

“Really?
 
Like for parties and stuff?”  I ask excitedly, I think it’s pretty cool.