Finding My Way (32 page)

“I do?”
 
I know that my cheeks must be bright red as I
feel them heat in embarrassment.

“Yes… happier… like a
weight has been lifted or something…” he trails off looking at me and I can see
that he is trying to make sense of it.

But suddenly it makes
sense to me.  Monday night was when Kat told me about Josh dating
again.  That was when the realisation hit that Josh and I were not ever
going to get back together.  That was when I decided that I was really
ready to move on.  Tuesday was also the morning I woke up on “the
right
side of the bed”, the day of the elevator ride with Seth.  It’s not
until this moment that I realise that maybe Seth’s right.  I never thought
of it in that way before but I can see what he means –

“Shit!” Seth says
pulling me away from my thoughts.  He stands up and peers out the
window.  The train is just leaving Malvern station.  Seth slumps back
down next to me.

“Your
station?”

“Yep,” he bites his
lip trying to suppress a smile.
 
“
Whoopsie
!”

I laugh and give him
a playful punch in the arm.  That’s my word!  “Are you picking on
me?”

“Now would
I
do that?” he laughs back and I join in.

“So
now what?”
I ask.

“Well I guess I’ll
get off at the next stop and wait for a train to take me back.”  He sighs
and we sit in a comfortable silence again, while I try to think of something to
say.

The next stop just
happens to be my stop.  So as the train slows down I put my iPhone back in
my bag and stand up.  Seth stands and looks at me questioningly.

“This is my stop,” I
explain.

I momentarily panic
as I think of Nick.  Then I remember that he was working this morning so
he shouldn’t be working now.  I’m relieved when I see that the kiosk is
already closed.  I let out a sigh of relief; I don’t know how I would have
handled the two of them in the same place.

Seth and I exit the
train and stand at the platform.  He looks at the train schedule on the
screen that hangs from the station roof.

“The next train is
only four minutes away,” he simply states.  I don’t move.  I don’t
know what to say.  “You don’t have to wait, you know.”

“I know.” But I still
don’t move.

“I’m sure that I can
make it this time,” he smiles.

“I’m sure.”  I
say because I don’t know what else
to
say.  I watch absentmindedly
as a train pulls in at the opposite platform.  After a moment, I quietly
say, “Um Seth, I think that you are meant to be on that platform over there.”

He doesn’t move and
neither do I.  I don’t know what to make of it, but all I know is that,
right now, I do not want to leave his side.  We stand motionless, not
speaking for a few minutes.  Eventually we both watch as the train pulls
away.  I turn my head to look at Seth and he turns to me with a
half-apologetic smile.

“
Whoopsie
,”
he whispers, but this time he’s not laughing at me.  This time he says it
in a sensual way, if that is even possible with a word like that!

Then our eyes meet
and it’s like we are the only two people on the platform, just like in the
movies.  Seth looks at me in the same way as he did in the elevator the
other day, the same way he did in his childhood bedroom the other night. 
I feel unable to move, my legs feel shaky and I don’t want to leave.  It
seems neither does Seth.  Breaking eye contact momentarily, I focus my
thoughts.

“I… uh… I live not far
from here.”  I stumble.

“Oh.”

“Do you have plans
for dinner?” I ask cautiously.

“Um no,” he swallows,
“no plans.”

“Would you like to
have dinner with me…?  Um, I could drive you home after, if you like?” I
can’t believe I am doing this.  I contemplate what I could possibly cook
for him, and remember my Mum’s leftovers in the freezer.  “Do you like
lasagne?”

He looks at me for a
moment.  He’s not smiling.  Oh no, he’s not going to say yes.  I
have just made a fool of myself.  I’ve never even asked a guy out before,
and he’s going to say no.  Shit!  What do I do now?

“Um I-” I start to
take back the invitation but he interrupts me.

“That would be
great!” he says, his beautiful smile back on his face.  “I love lasagne.”

It’s like there are
other forces at play here.  The fact that Emma worked back late… I missed
my train… I’ve never really thought too much about fate and destiny before, but
now…

And the song she
played on the train in that eerie ‘Garden State’ moment, the movie being a
favourite of both of ours, that song to me, was like her letting me know that
she is ready to move on from the relationship that she was in.  The fact
that I didn’t actually notice this woman, which is a crime in itself, until she
was ready to show me her perfect smile…  I just might believe in destiny
after all.

I hold Emma’s hand on
the short walk to her apartment.  It feels so good, so right and I cannot
hide the smile that keeps creeping over my face.  We talk a little more
about music and when she asks, I tell her about my parent’s weekend away. 
When we get to her apartment I find that she lives alone and I’m jealous. 
Her apartment is not overly large, but it’s homely, well furnished, neat, and
it suits her.  Of course, what makes it even more appealing is that she
has it all to herself.  This girl has her shit together.

Emma directs me to a
bottle of red wine and some glasses while she sets about heating up some
lasagne and making a salad.  I pour us both a glass and hand one to
her. 
When my fingers brush hers, our eyes meet and I
instantly warm at the thought of kissing her again.
  I watch as she
swallows and blushes and I wonder if she’s thinking the same as me.

“Feel free to put
some music on,” Emma interrupts my thoughts as she places her glass on the
counter and turns her attention back to the salad.

I take a look around
the room and find a small stereo near the TV in the corner.  It’s on a
large bookshelf that is full of books, DVD’s and CD’s.  Looking through
her collection, I’m thrilled to find that we have even more things in
common.  I select a CD from the shelf, put it in the player and press
play.  Jumping when it starts and quickly adjusting the volume from the
deafening pitch it was set at.

“Ben Howard?” Emma
questions me with an eyebrow raised and a smile on her face.  Of course,
she probably thinks I chose that one just because of the train ride and that
I’m trying to impress her, but the truth is I actually really enjoyed the song
she showed me earlier and I
do
want to hear more.  And not just to
impress her, truly.  Not sure what to say, I just shrug and walk back
towards her in the kitchen.  Leaning over the counter I ask if I can help
with anything but she refuses.

“So I have a very
important question for you,” Emma says seriously a moment later.  I give
her a nod, not sure where this conversation will lead.  After a moment she
simply asks, “
Butch
?”  I know instantly that she is referring to my
sister’s nickname for me and I chuckle, albeit a little embarrassingly. 
She smiles at me and presses further, “Why does
Tahlia
call you that?  And why do you call her princess?  What’s the story?”

“Well it’s not a very
exciting one…”

“I’ll be the judge of
that,” she says taking a sip of her wine.

“Well you see the way
Tahlia
dresses and acts, she’s a bit of a tomboy
really… so I call her princess because she is the opposite of that.”  Emma
nods and we smile at each other.

“So I can assume that
you aren’t really butch either?”  She chuckles.

“I’m offended. 
You don’t think I’m butch?”  I feign shock.  She laughs again and it
takes me a moment to recover.  She is just so beautiful, especially when
she laughs.  Embarrassingly I go on, as I find it hard not to be totally
open and honest around her.
 
“
Tahlia
caught me… crying,” I stumble over the word as I
feel the heat rise to my cheeks. 
Why am I telling her this?
“…while watching something on TV and decided I was anything but
butch
so
that’s when I started calling her princess.”

“Cute.”  Emma
says as she catches my eye again and this time she’s the one that blushes.

“And don’t even ask
what I was watching, I honestly don’t remember.”

After a moment of
silence Emma asks, “Is
Tahlia
okay?  I mean,
does she have nightmares a lot?”

I watch as Emma
washes her hands in the sink.  It’s not my story to tell but I have the
feeling that
Tahlia
wouldn’t mind, she and Emma got
along so well after all.  Emma grabs our plates of lasagne and heads over
to the table next to the kitchen.  I follow with the glasses of wine,
place them on the table and then head back for the bowl of salad.  When I
sit Emma passes me a knife and fork.

“Sorry, it’s not
really my business…” she trails off.

“No, it’s fine. 
It’s just that other than family, it’s not something I’ve ever talked about
with anyone.”  I take a deep breath and stare at nothing.  “It
happened a while ago, nearly a year, my parent’s house got broken into. 
Mum, Dad and
Tahlia
were all fast asleep in
bed.  A man came in through
Tahlia’s
window.  She woke up to find him leaning over her.”  Emma gasps and I
turn toward her.  “She froze and apparently so did
he
. 
It took her a moment to scream and when she did, he tried to cover her mouth
with his hand. 
But  
Tahlia’s
pretty tough, she bit him and kicked him in the balls.  The guy bolted
back out the window.”

“Oh
my god!
 
Poor
Tahlia
.”

“Yeah well don’t let
her hear you say that.”  I chuckle humourlessly.  “She’s a tough
cookie but it has affected her confidence greatly.  That’s why I stayed at
my parent’s this weekend.  She’s become a bit of a homebody and she doesn’t
have sleepovers at girlfriends like she used to.  In fact she lost a few
friends because of it all.”

“Lost friends?” 
Emma questions.

“She won’t talk about
it with anyone and she never even told her friends what happened.  She
kind of just cut herself off from everyone for a while.  Didn’t want the
sympathy I guess.”  I’ve never understood it.

“I don’t know what to
say, I don’t want to downplay it but she’s lucky nothing worse happened.”

“I know.  It
just makes me so angry you know?  Some idiot spent all of a couple of
minutes breaking into the house and he managed to change
Tahlia’s
life dramatically.  I just wish I could do more to help her.  I
haven’t been around for her enough, supported her enough...”

“Don’t say
that.  The way you comforted her the other night…”  Emma shakes her
head, our eyes meet again and I can see the sincerity in hers.  “You are a
great brother…
Butch!”
  And just like that, the
mood is lifted.  Emma smiles a breathtaking smile and I can’t help but
smile back.

“Okay sometimes I get
teary when I watch movies, so what?  I’m man enough to admit it.”

I quickly seek out my
glass of wine as a distraction to break contact with Seth’s deep brown
eyes.  Given the topic of the conversation we just had, is it wrong that I
am so turned on right now?  He’s just so damn sexy, I can’t help feeling
attracted to him when he looks at me like that!  He’s even sexier when
he’s embarrassed!  The nicknames that he and his sister have for one
another are cute, but a man that can admit to crying, I
love
that!

“
Mmm
this is delicious,” Seth nods appreciatively as he eats a mouthful of lasagne.
 I find it hard to take my eyes off him as he eats.  Wow, was it only
yesterday that I was watching Nick eat in that exact same spot?  I flush
with embarrassment that I am thinking of Nick while I have Seth in front of
me.  How do girls ever juggle two guys?  Not that I’m really doing
that am I? 
Yet
, anyway.

“I can’t take the
credit.  You’d have to thank my mother for the lasagne, I just heated it,”
I say as I pour us both another glass of wine.

“Thanks Emma’s
mother,” he says looking to the ceiling, then back to me.  “Well you
heated it perfectly,” Seth says thoughtfully.  “And the salad is great too.”

“
Aww
thanks,” I say sarcastically.  He really is sweet though.  “I don’t
cook that much these days, I find it hard cooking for one…”

“I know what you
mean; it’s just not as much fun if you’re the only one eating it.”

“You like to
cook?”  I try not to sound too surprised.

“I do actually. 
I used to cook for my roommates, but we tend to eat separately these
days…”  He focuses intensely on me, “I’d like to cook for you.”

“I’d like that
too.”  I really like the sound of that.  Not just that he will cook
for me, I’ve never had a man cook for me before, other than a barbeque, but
also that he’s tentatively making a future date for us.

Seth tells me a
little about his roommates and how he is thinking of looking for his own place,
it makes me glad that I have my apartment.  I’m just lucky that I got this
place at such a steal.  I know of similar apartments that are rented at
about double what I pay.  I couldn’t afford to pay much more than I
already do.  I would hate to have to share too, particularly with someone
who uses the living room as a rubbish tip.  I don’t know how I would cope
with that, I like to keep things tidy.