Finding My Forever (13 page)

Our skin slaps together. The glass squeaks every time I slam into her. I can’t seem to get enough of her. This is something different than when I was with Chelsea. This is so much better.

I grab her hips, slamming them into me over and over. She slides down the glass, bending at the waist to give me a better angle. She cries out and I know she’s close. I’m beginning to learn how I can work her body. It sings to me and I’m listening loud and clear.

“Oh, Jimmy.” I can barely hear her over the water, but I know what she wants. I reach around, brushing her already swollen clit with my thumb. “Oh, God,” she says as her body goes rigid around my dick. I thrust faster, deeper, until she’s milking everything out of me.

I pull her body flush with mine and stand us under the lukewarm water. We’re breathing heavily. I hold her with one arm under our child, the other between her boobs with my hand holding her face. I kiss her cheek, her ear and nuzzle her wet hair.

“My God, Jenna, what did you do to me? I came in here to take a shower with you so I could be close to you. I want to learn every inch of your body. I need to know what turns you on. I need to know all of you. Will you let me?”

She nods against my shoulder and that’s all I need. She’s willing to let me know her more than just physically. Maybe that’s what I need for her to finally open up to me and let me in.

“D
O
you want a boy or girl?” I ask. My hand rests on her stomach while she feeds me some grapes. We’ve managed to move from the shower to the bed. The day is a lost cause since a thunderstorm has rolled in. Now we’re lying here getting to know each other, while listening to the rainfall outside.

“I don’t know. I really just want a healthy baby, but either one has perks. With a little girl I can dress her in pink with bows in her hair, but with a little boy I can give him a Mohawk.”

“So he takes after his daddy?” I try to hide my smile, but I can’t. She reaches out and slaps me, making me laugh. It’s the first time she’s mentioned something about me that she likes, other than my knob.

“Yes, just like yours.” She hides her face from me and I hate it.

“Don’t do that, Jenna.”

“Do what?”

I hover over her, giving her no choice but to look at me. “Don’t hide from me. We’re married and I’m your husband. I
want
to be your husband. There’s no right or wrong answer when I ask you a question and I want you to ask the same of me in return. I want you to know me, Jenna. I told you that the other night. I
want
to be married to you. Yes, we’re here because of what we’ve created, but that shouldn’t matter.” I move and sit next to her, taking her hand in mine.

“I was married for three years. I was in love and couldn’t wait to start my life with Damien. Shortly after our wedding we were fooling around and I accidently hit him in his… well you know and he backhanded me. We were both shocked. We both cried. He promised never to do it again and I believed him. When it happened again, he said it was an accident. But it started happening more and more and the littlest things would set him off. He’d come home with a pregnancy test and when it would show that we weren’t pregnant, he’d hit me. Everything was my fault. I did everything I could to not get pregnant, and then I sleep with you and bam! I’m pregnant and I’m happy. I’m so happy that I’m having this baby.

“I’m happy that you want to be a part of the baby’s life, Jimmy, I am. I’m just scared and confused. I’m scared to open up and find that you don’t want me. I’m scared that one day, you’ll walk out and not return because you’ll realize that I’m not what you want. Everything here seems perfect, but what about when we are out there in the real world? Is this ring enough to keep you loyal? Because if it’s not, tell me now and we can part and I’ll be okay.”

“I’m not leaving, Jenna. I meant every word when I said my vows. I’m taking this seriously.” I say to her, hoping she’ll hear my words. I don’t know what else I can do to convince her.

“You don’t love me.”

Ah bollocks, she’s got me there. I have to look away because I don’t want her to see the pain that her words cause me. The fact that she said it hits me with such impact. I pick up her hand, kiss her wedding ring and roll our bodies so that we’re facing each other.

“I want to fall in love with you, Sweet Lips. Since the night of Liam and Josie’s wedding, I’ve been trying my hardest to make sure that I’m in the same room as you, or that I can have any excuse to talk to you. I came to Beaumont early because I missed you, but I couldn’t tell anyone that. I need you and I love the fact that you’re my wife. I don’t want that to change.”

I lean over and place my lips to hers. Her hand comes up and tangles in my hair. She holds me to her and I want to tell her that I’m not going anywhere.

“Just so you know, when we get back to Beaumont, I’ll be sleeping in your bed.”

“It’s a queen-size bed, ya know.”

“Good. That means you won’t be able to get away from me in the middle of the night. I like holding you in my arms, but when I woke up this morning you were on the other side. That’s too far away from me.”

“I do like it when you hold me.”

That makes me smile. “Then come here, Sweet Lips.” She snuggles into my arms, her head resting on my chest. Her fingers dance along my pecs, drawing circles and lines over the ridges from my muscles. I want to make her happy. I want her to accept me for me and not the person media portrays me to be, although it’s pretty damn accurate. I can change that. I
will
change that image. I’ll be the man she needs me to be, even if it kills me. The first thing I need to do is to quit smoking. I think this trip has been good for me in that way too.

J
IMMY
sleeps soundly next to me with his arm lying protectively over my ever-growing belly. The sun is just peeking through my window and the only thing missing is the sound of birds chirping. It’s the fairytale part of this whirlwind adventure that I’ll never see, but maybe secretly hope for. I hold up my left hand so the sun can hit my ring just right. The light dances, creating a prism of colors and shapes on my ceiling. I used to do this when I was a child, playing with my father’s watch while my mother washed dishes. I’d giggle each time she’d bat away the light acting as if it was some bug bothering her. I hope to create those moments with my child.

We’ve been home barely twelve hours, coming straight to my… our apartment from the airport. We both fell, albeit without grace and tact, into bed once we walked in the door. Honestly, I didn’t expect Jimmy to stay. I thought the excuses would start tumbling out of his mouth the minute the taxi pulled up in front of my building. But he didn’t. He stayed. He asked what side of the bed was his and undressed in front of me. We pulled back the comforter together, turned off the bedside lights at the same time and burrowed deep next to each other. He held my hands in his, his thumb roaming over the top of my ring until my eyes closed. I felt his lips press against my forehead just as I was drifting off. And I don’t know what to think about all of this. It seems to be too much too fast. I know he’s not in love with me, nor am I with him. But a small part of me wants us to be even though I know it’ll never happen. Someone like Jimmy can never love someone like me.

Jimmy pulls me closer, he’s waking up. Even though it’s only been two weeks of sharing a bed and each other’s bodies, I know him. I know what each look means. I know when he wants to be with me. I know when he’s tired, hungry and even when he wants to be left alone. I know most of his expressions except for one and that one lingers in the back of mind. Is he hiding something? I can’t figure that out yet and it kills me. Part of me wants to hate that I know all of this about him and the other part, the part that I shouldn’t listen to, wants to hold him in my arms and never let him go. That part wants to build a life, a home and family with him and trust that everything is going to be okay. Sadly, we’re back in the real world and my heart aches knowing that my fantasy is short lived. He has a life in California and he’ll be returning there, and as much as I hope it’s to just pack his clothes and return, I feel otherwise. What if I’m not enough to keep him interested? I’m going to get fat, bitchy and hormonal. He’s
Jimmy
. His reputation is less than stellar. The stories from Liam and Josie are enough to write a novel. He’s young and probably doesn’t realize the mistake we’ve made by getting married. Or the mistake I’ve made by giving him my body repeatedly.

My fingers move back and forth along his arm. The action seems natural, like it’s something that I should be doing even if I’m thinking my marriage is going to fall apart at a moment’s notice. Jimmy’s lips press against my temple, my cheek and then the side of my lips before he snuggles into the crook of my neck. If he acts like this, then why isn’t it enough for me to accept that he’s here for all the right reasons? His hand spreads out on my bump, his fingers start to tap along my skin. I’m curious as to what song he’s playing, but am tongue-tied and not able to ask. It’s stupid. I’m stupid. My feelings are stupid and I’m starting to hate that every image I have of Jimmy is tainted even though he hasn’t given me a reason to feel this way. But my head… it’s telling me to run and run fast.

I close my eyes and mentally run through everything that has to be done today. First, find my parents and share the good news with them. I can’t believe I let Jimmy take me away for two weeks and didn’t once call and check in. I know I’m an adult, but under the circumstances, I’m sure my parents are worried. They don’t know Jimmy like I do and they’re here to see me, to make sure everything is okay and I just upped and left. What kind of daughter does that make me? At some point we need to share the news with our friends. They’ll be happy, right? Of course they will, they’re our friends and Jimmy and I are having a baby. Everyone will be happy.

I need to stop thinking so negatively. I’m having a baby and I thought I was going to have to do this alone, but now that’s not the case. He’s here, by my side, and that’s going to have to be enough for now.

“What’s going on in that pretty little head of yours, Sweet Lips?” Jimmy kisses my neck, moving toward my ear. He pulls me closer as if he thinks I’m going somewhere. If he only knew that’s the fear I carry with me where he’s concerned.

“Life,” I say with a shrug.

Jimmy rises up on his elbow and moves my hair away from my face. He leans forward and kisses my nose. He pulls back slowly, his hand trailing down my side. “Don’t frown, beautiful. I love your smile and you should be happy.”

“Why’s that, Jimmy?”

Jimmy moves over the top of me. He leans on his arms, keeping his weight off of me. I fight the urge to pull him down on top of me, to feel him against me.

“Wifey, I never want to see you sad. It’s my job to make you happy and if I’m not doing my job then I need to kick my own arse. Now tell me, what’s with the frown?”

I fight the urge to shrug and roll my eyes. He’s trying and I owe it to him to try as well. I take a deep breath and look him in his eyes. “I feel like crap for being gone for two weeks while my parents are here… or were. For all I know they’ve left because I disappeared. I should’ve called and checked in or something.”

He moves to my side, but keeps his leg in between mine. His hand rests, again, on my stomach. He’s doing everything I’ve always wanted my husband to do, everything I imagined. The caring caress, the eagerness to touch and feel his child. It’s what I want so why do I continue to have doubts?

“You were on your honeymoon. I think you’re mum and dad will forgive you.”

I shake my head. “They didn’t know I was getting married, Jimmy. Heck, I didn’t even know. I should’ve called them.”

“So why didn’t you? You had your phone and there was a phone in the room. You could’ve called and told them, but you didn’t. Are you embarrassed about me?”

His question takes me by surprise. I shake my head, vigorously. “Why would you ask such a question, Jimmy?”

This time he’s the one shrugging. “If you’re worried about your parents, you could’ve called them, but you didn’t. If you’re regretting getting married, just tell me. I’m a big boy, I can handle it, but you should know that I’ll be here for you and the baby.” He kisses me quickly before extracting himself, leaving me with words caught in my throat.

H
E’S
sweet. He’s caring. He’s good looking. He’s sexy. He’s my husband and I’m about to introduce him as such to my parents and best friend. My eyes are riveted on him as he walks in front of my car. The jeans he’s wearing accentuate his ass and I giggle at myself for even staring. But I can stare and touch because he’s allowed me free reign over his body, as I’ve allowed him. I shouldn’t feel nervous about what we’re about to do. We’re adults and we’re pregnant. We’re being responsible, albeit sudden and rash.

Jimmy opens the car door and holds out his hand, waiting for me to place mine in his. When I do, he tugs lightly, encouraging me to get out of the car. I take my place beside him and we walk hand in hand to Josie and Liam’s house. We don’t knock, no one does. When we step in, laughter rings out from the living room.