Finding Home (29 page)

“Well, a lot of that shit I’d shut out has been coming back to me lately. It’s almost like I get flashbacks. I can taste the latex, smell the fucking rank stink of the johns, remember how it made me gag, how I hated every minute of it. It scares me I could bury this in me so deep and still it comes out.” His voice was strangled, his eyes fixed on a point on the floor.

Megan listened, her heart breaking as she understood what he was telling her.

He looked at her and flashed a quick, mirthless smile. “Maybe I’ll have to talk to someone about it sometime. But not you. I think maybe it’s good that it hurts, but I can’t deal with it as long as I’m here. Even before last night, I knew I needed to leave to sort my shit out. Seeing that guy, your friend Terry, made me sure of it.”

Megan finally realized the truth of her mother’s words. Sean was figuring out his life and she would be a needy, selfish bitch if she kept him from it. She bit her lip, afraid if she opened her mouth, she’d start to cry.

“I understand,” she finally said. “But please, I need to know you’re safe. Please keep in touch. Don’t just disappear.”

“I won’t.” He looked at her one last time, a long level gaze that tore out her heart. “Thank you for everything you’ve done for me.” Then he turned the knob and walked out the door.

Between one breath and the next, he was gone.

The door closed behind him with a quiet click in the empty apartment. Megan stared at it for a full minute before starting to weep.

She covered her face with her hands and sank to her knees. Hoarse sobs wracked her body. She cried until her tears subsided into silent shudders. Then she curled up on her side on the living room floor and watched the patch of sunlight from the window slowly move across the room, marking the passing of the day.

It was a sultry June day, the air redolent of exhaust fumes and the sky a smoggy brown arc overhead. Megan was late. As she walked briskly along the sidewalk toward the restaurant where she was meeting Rossi, sweat trickled down her spine.

She’d cut her hair short a couple of weeks ago and the springy curls that framed her face had melted to damp and straggling tendrils in the humidity. But despite her physical discomfort from the heat wave, she hadn’t felt this good in a long time. It had been a long, painful six months. Only now was she beginning to surface back into normality.

January had been hell.

After Sean left, she moved through her days like a sleepwalker, saying and doing the appropriate things at work and with her friends, but feeling drugged. It was like watching someone else living her life. She constantly though of him, where he might be, what he was doing, how things could have been different, what she should have said or done to get him to stay, how she should never have allowed the relationship to start.

Worst of all were the nights. After three months spent sharing a bed with Sean, Megan found she could no longer sleep alone. All she could feel was his absence next to her, the memory of his warm body, his arms around her, his steady breathing. She’d never felt so alone as she did in her own bed. She didn’t change the sheets for weeks after he left, until she could no longer smell even the faintest trace of him, then she finally stripped the bed one night, sobbing.

Her loneliness was increased by a terrible sexual longing, which hit her at unexpected times. Standing at the checkout at a convenience store, she’d remember a certain look Sean would give her or the sound of his husky voice when he whispered filthy endearments in her ear. The sudden rush of desire made her giddy.

At night, she masturbated to the memory of their lovemaking, ashamed at how hot he still made her, how the thought of him could bring her to orgasm in a few short minutes. Sometimes the release was so potent she cried. Her body missed him almost as much as her mind did.

She was lost. Bereft. For the first time, she truly understood the meaning of the word.

ZY

February had been almost worse.

Sean didn’t call like he’d promised to. Megan’s depression over his absence was compounded by a constant fear for his welfare. She imagined all sorts of terrible scenarios, picturing him back on the streets, ill, beaten up or worse.

Megan visited Charlotte and Greg and spent time with her baby nephew. Little Richard made easy demands of her: he wanted to be held, rocked to sleep, changed, fed. She spent a peaceful afternoon cuddling him and talking with Charlotte and Greg, amazed at how parenthood had transformed their lives. Char’s devoted love for her son had softened her sharp angles, although she still had the power to annoy Megan beyond belief.

“You know,” Megan told Charlotte, “they say motherhood changes women, and I think they’re right. Where’s my cranky older sister gone? You barely even tell me off these days.”

“It’s not much fun when you’re depressed all the time,” Charlotte snapped with a little of her old bite. “Seriously, Meg, are you okay? You look so thin and sad. Isn’t it time you bounced back? You have to get over that boy, pull yourself together. Nobody’s worth this much moping.”

Megan bristled. “Nice pep talk, Char. I guess I was wrong. You haven’t changed all that much after all.”

But Greg, who’d become, as expected, a doting dad, let her deal with it without asking questions, just offering cups of coffee for comfort and talking baby with her.

Megan envied their new life, focused around her nephew, a constant source of love, joy, and hard work. Near the end of February, Sean finally called.

Megan came home from work to a phone machine message.
“Hey, it’s me. Just wanted to let you know I’m doing okay. I’ve got a place to stay and a lead on a job. I…” There was a long enough pause she had time to think he was going to say how much he missed her, then he ended with, “I’ll be in touch.”

Megan wanted to crawl inside the machine and reach him somehow, and she wanted to scream and punch him in the facefor not having the guts to talk to her directly. The phone message was the first of several, always left during a time when he knew she wouldn’t be home. She saved and replayed every one over and over.

ZY

In March she started pretending she could cope.

That meant avoiding most of her friends, since they could tell she was just going through the motions.

Sasha was the only one she’d occasionally see for a good cry over a bottle of wine. Sasha, who told her things would look up and yes, Sean must miss her, too. Megan’s life shrunk to eating, sleeping and working. There was plenty of work to keep her busy, since Rossi sent her to cover assignments on a regular basis: a local bake-off or the unveiling of a new neighborhood library. She was now half copy editor, half reporter, and her pay had been hiked in consequence.

For the first time in her life, she had more money than she needed. Not because her pay was so high, but because she had nothing to spend it on. Most nights she stayed home, watching TV or reading, and often with a beer or a bottle of wine to keep her company.

Sometimes she went down to Santa Monica Boulevard. If she saw kids she knew, she’d buy them dinner and listen to their stories. She’d ask if they’d seen Mouth, but they never had. She learned little Elf had killed himself, cut his wrists a few weeks after Ricky was taken into foster care. The boy’s death tore at her already shredded heart.

Other evenings, she forced herself out to the gym or for a run in the streets. She managed not to start smoking again, even though the temptation was almost unbearable. But she clung to these small things as evidence she’d eventually pull out of this funk and get back to being the Megan she knew.

ZY

By April, Sasha stopped being sympathetic.

“You’ve got to get past it. This is getting seriously unhealthy. You’re hardly eating.” She leaned across the café table and patted Megan’s hand. “The boy’s gone. He’s moved on and you have to do the same.”

“I’m working on it,” Megan snapped. “Sasha, imagine what a wreck you’d be if Stevie suddenly left you. It’s not fucking easy to ‘just get over it’.”

“Come on Meg, Stevie and I have been together for four years. It’s a bit different.”

Megan shrugged. “You know what I mean.”

Sasha was silent for a moment. “Well, you’re not going to like this but—”

“Then don’t say it.”
“You took Sean in off the street. You were only with him about three months. How well did you really know him other than the fact he was great in bed?”

Megan bit down on her cheek to keep from screaming at her friend. “I’m just saying, maybe you mistook lust for love.” As if realizing how condescending she sounded, Sasha amended it. “Or maybe you were in love but he was…”

“Just using me?” Megan said tightly. “I thought you’d gotten to know Sean a little bit, but it’s obvious you never did. He wasn’t like that.”

Sasha sighed. “Okay. But any way you look at it, he’s gone and hasn’t contacted you beyond those few phone calls. It’s time to put it to rest and live your life. How about we go to Bar Loco this weekend? There’s this guy at my work you should meet.”

Megan tuned her out. After that conversation, she didn’t talk to Sasha for several weeks.

ZY

May was the cut-off point.

Her friends made a concerted effort to get her out of her shell. James called every day, and even turned up on her doorstep a couple of times, until Megan caved in and invited him to stay for dinner. She got a lecture for the privilege and the promise of more to come if she didn’t come out of her self-imposed exile.

She made up with Sasha and hung out with the old gang again, slowly rebuilding her social life. Megan began to look at her time with Sean through fresh eyes and admitted the fact he didn’t call her was pretty telling. Maybe Sasha was right and Megan had read a lot into their relationship that was never really there.

Megan put on some of the weight she’d lost, making herself eat healthy food. She worked hard, focused on her career, and sometimes managed to go a whole day without thinking about Sean.

Her brother called now and then, keeping tabs on her. He was never taken in by her “I’m fine, leave me alone” attitude.

“Hey sis, how’s the job?”
“Chris! What are you doing at home on a Saturday night? Shouldn’t you be out partying with Ben?”

“I could ask you the same thing, but I guess you’re taking it easy, right?”

“Actually, I’m working on a couple of longer pieces for the paper. The job is going well. At this rate I might join the reporting team full time by the end of the year.” Megan was really proud of this, and Chris would understand that.

They bantered amicably for a few minutes, without mentioning Sean. But Chris always asked. “Heard from Sean, then?”

“Not for a while, no. The last message said he was doing okay, new place, new job. I guess it’s time I forgot about him. He sure as hell has moved on.” Her throat constricted.

“Hey, Meg, it’s okay,” Chris said in soothing tones. “He’s probably doing what he needs to do. I bet you he gets back in touch some day. I keep saying that, but hang in there. It will get easier.”

“Yeah,” she snorted. “It better.”

But it touched her that Chris, of all her family and friends, seemed to be the only one who understood how important Sean was to her, and who respected what they’d had. Maybe coming out had made him more sensitive to other people’s relationships, the way they led their lives. Or maybe he just knew her best.

ZY

By June, Megan was ready to take Sasha’s advice and go on a few dates with promising guys, but she couldn’t help comparing them to Sean. Even though a couple were good-looking, fun guys with decent jobs, she never wanted to go further. A few drinks, maybe a dinner date was fine, but as far as getting physical was concerned, no. She just wasn’t interested. It annoyed Megan she felt like that, because she knew from experience that one way of getting through heartbreak was to find a good rebound guy to work it out of her system.

She even got it on with James one epic drunk night, to see whether that would help. They were both wasted, had fun, and ended up in bed at his place. But the sex left her unfulfilled, even though she came. And she couldn’t help but remember the last time they’d slept together, and how already, it had been all about Sean.

Still, it was nice to lie next to a warm body, even if it was the wrong one, and have a cuddle.

While James smoked a post-coital cigarette, he prodded her. “How are you feeling, Meg? Because that was fun, but I’m not sure you were all there.”

She didn’t reply immediately.
“Is this still about Sean?”

Megan groaned. “Maybe. I’m sorry, James. It just feels a bit…”
“Off?” he suggested, his voice gentle. He reached over his shoulder, put his cigarette out in the ashtray by the side of the bed, and turned to face her. “You don’t really seem all that happy. And while I know we’re not doing this with any romantic illusions, I like to think our—whatever this is—is something nice for us to share, right? This time, you were somewhere else. Which is a little off-putting. Also, I worry about you.”

Megan sighed and placed the back of her hand over her eyes, shielding herself from his gaze. She felt embarrassed, and mean, because she’d been using him, and James deserved more than that, even from a fuck buddy.

“Okay, yes, it’s taking me longer than I thought,” she admitted. “Much longer. I knew it was going to hurt, but, oh, James, I didn’t realize how much.” She lifted her hand and peered at him from underneath. “I’m sorry I kind of used you.”

He smiled. “It’s okay, I’m a guy. I can handle being used for my body. But, maybe you’re not quite ready for that.”

“Maybe not,” she sighed. “But I have to start living again, don’t you think? Even if it’s just one step at a time.”

James didn’t say anything, just pulled her to his chest in an affectionate hug. As she rested her head on his shoulder, Megan reflected she was really lucky to have such good friends.

ZY

Now it was the end of June.

She was definitely recovering. The pain was duller and in a few more months, she might actually look at another guy with interest. In the meantime, she could enjoy the fact her career was taking off. Megan crossed the street and entered the Jade Garden Restaurant to meet her boss.