Finding Home (31 page)

“Yes,” she murmured.
“Megan, are you going to be okay to drive?” Charlotte’s voice sounded exactly like her mom’s, disorienting Megan. “Maybe you should call one of your friends to go with you.”

“No. I’ll be okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can. What hospital?” Charlotte told her. “I’ll see you whenever you get here. Don’t speed. Seriously, I think you should call someone to come with you.”

“Maybe.” Megan had no intention of calling anyone. “I’ll be there soon.”

Megan sat for a moment in stunned silence trying to process how her whole world could change in one blink of an eye. She got up and went to the bathroom, poured herself a glass of water and sipped it while staring at the chalk white face in the mirror.

Her ears rang and her vision blackened around the edges. Megan set down the glass and dropped to her knees, pressing her forehead to the floor and breathing raggedly as blood rushed back to her head. Then she sat up slowly.

Maybe Charlotte was right. She didn’t know if she could drive three hours straight all by herself. Megan got her phone and started to press the auto-dial for James since she knew Sasha and Stevie were out of town. But her finger hovered over the keypad and she didn’t press it.

Instead, she went to her bedroom and took Sean’s number out of the drawer of her nightstand. He answered after only two rings.

“Hello?”
“It’s Megan. Can you… You’re probably busy. I don’t know why I called you, really.”

“What is it? Are you all right?” He sounded alarmed. “It’s my mom…”

ZY

An hour later, Megan looked over at Sean guiding the car through the busy Friday afternoon traffic on the freeway. “Thanks for going with me. I didn’t feel like I could drive.”

“I’m glad to do it.”
“I hope it’s not going to be a problem for you to miss work or classes.” “It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”

The sound of his familiar voice, so deep and reassuring, comforted Megan even though her chest was still constricted with grief. It touched her that Sean had dropped everything to come when she needed him. She was embarrassed at her childishness in refusing to call him over these past few days.

They rode most of the way in silence punctuated only by a call from Charlotte updating Megan on where to meet them. The family was no longer at the hospital but at home. Her mom’s body had already been sent to the mortuary. Chris and Megan would have to wait until the visitation to see her remains.

Megan couldn’t believe Charlotte actually said those words “See her remains”. It sounded so clinical, so unbelievable. This was all a dream from which she must soon wake up.

The rest of the day continued in a surrealistic jumble of impressions passing by in a blur. Later, when she thought of the day her mother died, she’d remember Sean’s hand at her elbow guiding her toward the house, the strong scent of Greg’s aftershave when he embraced her, the soft touch of Charlotte’s hair brushing against her cheek as they hugged and Dad’s unfocused eyes when he murmured a greeting. She held on to him for a very long time then sat in the living room listening to the story of Mom’s heart attack and death related in detail not once but twice because Chris and Ben arrived halfway through.

Chris’s eyes were wide and shocked. Ben’s presence barely registered, Megan was so distraught, but her impression was of a dark-haired, slightly-built guy hovering near Chris.

At one point it occurred to Megan she was sitting in her mom’s chair. The blue upholstered easy chair was the one her mom always sat in, just like her dad was permanently attached to his La-Z-Boy. She whimpered.

Sean touched her arm and she suddenly realized he’d been kneeling beside her chair the whole time.

“Okay?” His eyes searched hers with concern.

Megan nodded. “Thanks for coming.”

She couldn’t say it enough. She was so grateful for his presence.

ZY

The days before the funeral were filled with phone calls to make, condolences to receive and neighbors and friends stopping by with casseroles and cakes. Megan tired of hearing “She was a wonderful woman” and “I’m so sorry” over and over. Jamming another lasagna dish into the freezer, Megan looked over at Charlotte, jiggling her baby on one hip while leafing through Mom’s address book on the counter. She was determined to make sure there was no old friend or distant relative they’d forgotten to contact.

“Here. Let me take him.” Megan closed the freezer door and reached for Little Richard. He hadn’t hit the shy stage yet and held his arms out to her with a toothless smile. She tweaked his tiny nose and kissed his round baby cheek. “God, he’s so cute, Char.”

“I know.” Charlotte gazed fondly at her perfect progeny. “Do you know he already has an ear for music? I’m serious. When I play rock, he bounces in time to the beat and when I play classical, he stops what he’s doing and listens. Just wait until he’s old enough to learn an instrument.”

“Poor kid,” Megan whispered. “I foresee hours of piano practice in your future.”

Richard chortled at her tickling breath against his ear and hit her in the face with his pudgy fist.

“So, Megan, are you and Sean together now?” Charlotte asked. “Last time we talked, he still hadn’t called you.”

“He got back in touch recently. But we’re just friends.”

Megan’s tone must have been defensive because Charlotte said, “I’m not being negative, only curious. I think it’s nice he came with you. He seems very supportive.”

“Yeah.” Megan didn’t know how to respond to non-confrontational Charlotte. This was uncharted territory for them.

Charlotte flipped a page of the address book. “I’ve been sort of— judgmental in the past. I know that. I freaked out about both you and Chris, but now I just want both of you guys to be happy, as happy as I am.”

“Jesus, are you supposed to be smoking weed while you’re breast-feeding? You’ve never been so mellow in your life.” Megan crossed the kitchen to hug her sister, squeezing the baby between them until he whined. “I’ve been a real bitch to you over the years and I promise to stop. Besides, you’re no fun to tease when you’re not uptight.”

When Megan pulled away, Charlotte was crying and smiling at the same time. “God, Mom would have loved to see us finally getting along. I can’t believe she’s…”

“I know. It’s so inconceivable.”
“Dad’s going to need us around a lot for the next few months.”
“I can come down some weekends.” Megan didn’t want Charlotte to feel the burden of supporting their father would fall on her.

“I don’t know how he’s going to get along without her.”
“He’s got the store and his fishing and a whole community of people who care about him. I think Dad’s stronger than we think. He’ll be okay.”

Sean entered the kitchen just then with a pie. “From Mrs.—” He hesitated over the name. “—Janovitch, I think.”

Charlotte accepted it with a smile and placed it on the counter.

He stepped back and gestured at Richard. “Nice, uh, baby.”
“Thanks.” Charlotte’s smile broadened. “You want to hold him?” Megan expected Sean to get flustered the way men sometimes did about holding small babies, but he said “Sure” and held out his arms to accept Richard. He held the child assuredly, close but not too tightly in the crook of his arm. The baby regarded him solemnly for a moment, but when Sean grinned, Richard reached his fingers out to poke them into his mouth.

“How do you know how to handle babies?” Megan asked.

Sean removed Richard’s fingers to answer. “Babysitting kids in my neighborhood growing up.”

Richard’s hand went right back to his mouth. Sean intercepted the little fist and kissed it. Megan about swooned at the cuteness.

If Charlotte hadn’t been won over by Sean before, the baby love-fest sold her on him. “Sean, I told Megan how sorry I was for the way I acted at Christmas, but I owe you an apology, too. I’m sorry for being so rude and I hope you’ll forgive me.”

Sean nodded. “It’s okay.”

A moment of awkwardness fell. Luckily, Richard chose that moment to release a loud fart. They all laughed while the baby gazed around with wide eyes. Sean looked down the back of Richard’s diaper to make sure he didn’t need a change, and Megan was amazed at his competence. She wouldn’t have thought of that.

Sean carried the baby as they left the kitchen to join the others in the living room. They were going through photo albums, choosing pictures for a memorial display for the visitation.

Megan noticed how haggard her father was. He looked completely exhausted. She went to him and leaned over to rest a hand on his shoulder.

“You want to go lie down for a while? Or would you rather take a walk with me?” Somehow she felt a walk would be more refreshing for him than trying to sleep in the bed he’d shared with his wife for almost thirty-five years, knowing she’d never lie there again.

“A walk sounds real nice.” He patted her hand.

ZY

Megan hooked her arm through her father’s and they walked up the road. It was a balmy afternoon. Bird song floated from the trees and the sky was blue and cloudless. It was the kind of a Saturday on which her mom would have been out gardening, adding some late-blooming plants to her flower beds.

Megan didn’t ask her dad how he was doing since Charlotte had covered that every half hour or so. She walked quietly, waiting for him to talk.

“Remember the time we took that canoe trip up the Rifle River? You and Chris missed the take-out point and had to go an extra three miles ‘til you reached the next one. We told you to stay with the group, but you wouldn’t listen. Had to forge ahead.”

Megan laughed. “We were so burnt and dehydrated and hungry. It was the most miserable experience of my life. I haven’t been canoeing since, it was so traumatic! But good old Mom had no sympathy whatsoever. She just slapped a tube of aloe ointment in my hand and said, ‘Maybe you’ll pay attention to your dad next time’.”

He chuckled. “That was your mother.”
“Jesus, Daddy!” Megan was stricken. “I didn’t think. I’m sorry.” “Megan. It’s okay to talk about her. We need to.”
“How can you be so calm?” she asked. “You’ve been like a rock for the rest of us.”

“Well, I suppose partly because it hasn’t sunk in yet, but also…” He paused. “I’m going to tell you something I’ve never told anyone but your mom. Something that happened to me in Viet Nam in ‘67.”

Megan looked at him, intrigued. He never talked about his experiences in the war.

“You know I got shot?”

She nodded. She’d heard that much.
“I was lying there waiting for my transport. It took a while because there were a lot of us and only so many choppers. I started to feel really strange, not like I was about to pass out, but kind of light. Then I just lifted up and out of my body. As clear as I see you now, I could see myself, the other guys, the whole countryside around us and the sky all at the same time.” He frowned, concentrating on the memory. “It was more than seeing. It was a kind of—perception. I felt this presence with me and wasn’t afraid at all. It was indescribable, beyond words.”

“Wow,” Megan whispered.
“I’ve never forgotten that experience. I don’t know how much time passed, but when I came back into my body, the stretcher was on the chopper.”

He squeezed Megan’s hand in his. “I don’t know how good of a job your mom and I did with you kids’ religious training, but I wanted you to know what happened to me. I know without a doubt there’s some kind of life beyond this world and your mom is there now. I’ll miss her like hell, but at least I know that.”

“Wow,” Megan said again. “Thank you for sharing.”

Dad unlinked his fingers from hers and put an arm around her shoulders, giving her a squeeze. “So, how are things with you these days?” He changed the subject. “Enjoying your work?”

“Yeah. I’m writing a lot more and, while it might not be the most interesting news in L.A., at least it’s a beginning.”

“How about this young man you keep bringing home with you? How’s that going?”

Megan couldn’t believe it. He’d never quizzed her about a boyfriend in her life. “Sean’s just a friend. We used to, uh, date, but now we’re friends.”

“Hm.”

She glanced at him.

He smiled as he gazed at one of the neighbor’s yards.
“What?”
“Well, honey, once you’ve been head-over-heels in love with somebody, you don’t go back to being ‘friends’. It doesn’t work that way.”

“Who said I was…? I never…” she stammered.

He grinned wider.
“Cut it out!”
“I’m old. Not blind or stupid. When you visited in February, I could tell you were pining.”

“All right. Quit playing the wise old codger. You’re freaking me out, Dad.”

He laughed aloud and Megan thought she hadn’t heard anything sound so good in days.

ZY

The next day there was a private viewing for their family before guests arrived at the funeral home.

Megan and Chris approached the coffin together. Megan’s heart pounded.

“This is strange. Really strange,” Chris muttered to her as they stood in front of their mother’s body. “What a fucking weird custom.”

“I know.”
“How long do we stay here?”
“I don’t know.”

Their hands were clasped together tightly. Megan had an image of them as Hansel and Gretel, like in the picture book their mom used to read to them. She remembered watching her mom’s face as she did the scary witch-voice with an accompanying scowl. Megan remembered her smell, the softness of her lap and the sound of her voice.

“This is not Mom. She would hate this,” she whispered to Chris.
“I know.”

Together they moved away from the coffin.

The afternoon passed in another blur of faces half remembered from Megan’s childhood and voices she couldn’t quite place. She looked at her dad, who wore the suit he’d bought for Charlotte’s wedding six years ago, accepting condolences from yet one more family friend. If he could do it with such grace, she certainly could, too.

She shored up her smile and turned to greet Mrs. Janovitch.

ZY

That night, Megan tossed and turned on her bed, dry-eyed and sleepless despite her exhaustion. She was numb, and her mind wouldn’t accept her mother’s death. There was no way someone so alive could cease to exist.

There was a tap on her door, then it opened and Sean was silhouetted in the frame. He closed the door and came to sit on the edge of the bed. He reached for her hand in the dark and held it securely between his two warm palms. “Long day, huh?”