Finding Home (18 page)

“I want to let you inside, Sam. I want you to help me live more and be more. You make me feel again, and God help me I want—no, need—to feel again.” She wraps her arms around my neck, and I move mine to her waist. Neither of us moves. We just sit and hold on to each other.

“It scares me that I don’t know what to do next. I know it won’t be easy, but I promise you that I will try and be what you need. I just hope my past won’t stop our future, because some days my past strangles me to the point where I can’t breathe. I run back into myself and hide, showing only my surface again.”

That’s when I feel her lips touch mine so softly I hardly feel it. “Ben, I’m scared, too. I have no idea what to do anymore. Every relationship I’ve had ends in disaster and heartache. I made my rule to protect myself from the hurt that messed with my heart.” Pulling back, she places one hand over my heart. “I want you to feel me in here and live again, too. We can help each other find our hearts again, but we need to be honest. I have to know when you feel like running, and I’ll let you know when my feelings begin to terrify me.” She then takes my hand and puts it over her heart. “I need my heart to feel once more and believe in love all over again.”

With that simple gesture, I know I have to kiss her. “Sam, I’m fighting with every fiber in my being to not kiss you right now. Tell me to not kiss you, tell me to back off.”

I feel her hands slide up my chest, stopping at my neck. She grabs onto my hair and grips it firmly. “Why are you fighting it when we both want it? I can’t tell you to stop, because I want you to kiss me. I want to get lost in your kiss and remember how good your mouth feels on mine.”

That’s it. I lose all resolve and my lips eagerly seek hers. Our kiss is gentle at first, but it quickly turns into a hunger so profound that my appetite for her will never keep me satiated.

Fuck, he can kiss! My inner core kicks up a notch from his relentless pursuit of my lips. The constant nipping and sucking have me fighting for air, but I refuse to let go. It’s been too long since a man has made me feel this way, and at this rate, I’ll need a release soon. Just how far I should go remains to be seen. Slow is still the word that keeps racing through my head; I just need to tell my body to catch up.

With diminishing willpower I place my hands on his chest and grip his shirt. My grip doesn’t come across as pushing him away. My body is once again betraying me. I can’t decide if I should beg him to stop or beg him to continue.

Finally, I manage to break free to try and form a coherent sentence. But then he decides to attack my neck, and any clarity I have is out the proverbial window.
Fuck it. Just go with it!

My ears barely register a throat clearing, and it’s not one of ours. Ben hurriedly removes his teeth from my neck and jumps to his feet, taking me with him. I try my best to straighten out my hair and shirt, but it’s no use. The laughter in the darkness tells me it doesn’t matter. We were spotted, and I feel like a teenager getting caught making out.

“Well, well, well, what have we here? A little something-something going on?” I recognize that deep voice from dinner the other day—Gramps. “Well, don’t let me stop ya, I’m just taking a walk. Go right on back to your kissing, if that’s what you call it. It looked more like a mauling there, Ben.”
Oh my God, I couldn’t be more horrified.
I bump my fist into Ben’s arm to get him to say something.

“Very funny, Gramps! As you can see, Sam is perfectly fine with my mauling.”
Kill me now! What the hell is he saying?
“We were just saying good night, right, Sam?” He bumps his hip into my side.

“Ah, yeah, we’re all good. Good night, Gramps. Good night, Ben.” I lean into him, giving him a hug. “I’m going to kill you later. Mauling? Really? What do you two talk about?” Letting go of his neck, we walk to the door.

“My gramps is a pretty cool guy. He’s a bit wild, and if you think you have no filter, well, Gramps will put you to shame.” He gives me a quick peck on the lips and turns to walk away. “Oh, and just to let you know, Gramps has a big mouth. Be prepared for tomorrow.” Thank goodness its dark out and he can’t see the embarrassment across my face. I hear him chuckle as he walks over to Gramps. I watch them make their way to the barn before going in to the house.

Lying back down, I pull the covers up to my neck and wrap myself up like a cocoon. I need to get my body and mind under control. I thought talking to Ben would clear my head, but only confusion clouds my brain. I want to believe what he’s saying, but his words are only a part of him. There are times when I look at him and see a new beginning. Other times I see sorrow and pain. I’m not sure which set of eyes he has tonight.

We did turn a corner tonight with him opening up to me. Though he still hasn’t told me anything about what troubles him. I have no idea if he believes that there could be another person out there made for him, and if that person could be me.

The message I did get is that Ben wants to try, and I think I do, too. My head’s a jumbled mess. Not to mention that my body continually betrays me when I’m around him. The physical attraction is there—there’s no denying that—but it’s the emotional connection that panics me more. Is it too much too soon? I mean, we’ve talked on the phone off and on for years, but we really don’t know each other. But, at this moment, I have to push the fear away because I think I’m more terrified of not taking a chance on us.

I wake up to the smell of bacon and my mouth waters. The cocoon I wrapped myself in last night is long gone. Half of the covers are on the floor, and one of my legs twists around the sheet. Carefully, I get up without tripping and falling on my face. I take stock of the room and the mess I’ve left. I still haven’t put things away, but the bacon is calling my name.

As I search for some clothes, I remember something that Ben said last night.
“Gramps has a big mouth.”
Shit! Maybe if I unpack first, I can avoid everyone downstairs? Yep, that’s a good plan.

I try searching in my pile for my yoga pants.
Shit, I really do need to unpack.

My stomach growls like a traitor to my plans, but I need to get this done. Bit by bit I make piles of shirts, pants, and shorts. Next, I divide up my bra and panty sets, my one true indulgence. I firmly believe you could be having the crappiest day on the planet, but underneath all the shit, you look and feel sexy.

Opening the drawers, I come across some random t-shirts left behind and old clippings from papers and magazines about wine, sports, and stuff. I remove them and place them off to the side to give Ben later. When I reach the bottom drawer, I make out something in the far back corner. I reach in and pull out a frame placed face down. My heart rate jumps and my stomach feels like it’s doing flip-flops.

This is one of those movie moments when you find something big and you’re afraid to see what it is. You don’t want to turn it over, but you can’t help yourself. You have the overwhelming need to see. The piece of the puzzle to help fill in the blanks for all the questions you’ve been wondering about. It’s time for the big reveal.

My hands begin to sweat and shake. I know whose picture is on the other side, and my heart is totally fucking with me right now. Do I want to see how they look together? Can I handle it?
I haven’t a clue.
The reality is Beth’s just a person who I’ve heard about. Finding and holding this picture in my hand makes her real to me. My moments together with Ben and the obstacles we face become valid. I don’t want to look, but I have to.

Slowly, I turn the frame over, and I’m met with the most beautiful blue eyes. Her hair is long and straight, strands of blonde and light brown woven together. Her skin is golden, perfected by years of being in the sun. She looks like a true California girl. As I stare at her, it occurs to me that we look nothing alike, and I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I glance again at the photo and examine every aspect of it. She’s smiling so brightly at the camera, and Ben’s looking at her with such love.

I flashback to last night and how the old couple looked at each other. Ben has the same look in his eyes—love. Now that I’ve seen her, I can understand how hard it’s been for him. What they had was special. I can’t compete with that. Is it even a competition when your opponent is a ghost? A memory he’s been hanging on to all this time? I place the frame to the side with his other belongings and try to finish unpacking.

I hop in the shower, hoping the scalding temperature will burn some sense into my emotional abyss. I go through the motions of getting dressed and make my way downstairs. I’ve done my best to avoid everyone and the awaiting firing squad. They don’t disappoint.

“Well, look who finally woke up. I almost went up there to pounce on you, but Benny wouldn’t let me.”

“Good morning, Jenny. Sorry I’m late for breakfast. I didn’t sleep great last night, and I really needed to unpack my things.”

Jenny moves toward me, and I put my arms around her while she gives me a quick peck on the cheek. “Is the bed uncomfortable, or are you not feeling settled yet?”

“No, I’m fine, just adjusting to the new bed, room, and life. No big deal, right?” I try to lay on the sarcasm to hide my worry. Seeing him with Beth makes everything too real. I can feel his eyes on me, and I don’t want to look.
Don’t look. Don’t look. You looked.
Shit, he looks good.

“Yeah, cut her some slack, Bean, she’s had a lot of changes.” He takes a sip of his coffee, winks at me, and continues, “I had to practically tackle her so she wouldn’t bother you.”

I give him a timid smile and pray no one notices anything. “Thanks for stopping her. I really need to catch up on some sleep. I have a lot on my mind.” I try to shift my eyes and break contact with Ben. After seeing how he looked at Beth in the picture, I’m frightened of how he’ll look at me. Will he ever look at me that way?
No heartbreak rule, Sam. Remember it.

The scraping of a chair brings me back out of my thoughts. Gramps is getting up to leave the table. “Well, I can appreciate catching up on some sleep. At my age, sleep doesn’t come easy. You must be exhausted with all the changes and such.” He gives me the same wink that his grandson perfected. It must be a family trait. “Oh, and when you’re up half the night kissing my grandson, extra sleep is definitely required.”

My face must be turning red because I can feel the heat spreading down my body.
And I thought I had no filter!
Gramps lets it all out. I feel a pair of hands whip me around so fast it practically causes whiplash. “What? You’ve been kissing my brother! You’ve got to be kidding me.”

I can’t quite tell if she’s happy or pissed. She pulls me into a hug and then shoves me back.
Happy
. “I knew it. I knew something was going on. Mr. I’m-Not-Interested brushed me off.” Her mouth curves upward as she points to her brother. “So tell me all about it ... wait, no. I don’t want to hear about it. He’s my brother. But we tell each other everything. Shoot.”

I turn around and notice all eyes on me like there waiting for an answer. I take a quick glance at Ben, who suddenly seems to be devouring his coffee mug. I try to open my mouth, but funny little sounds come out. I probably sound like a babbling idiot.